A brief letter to my future wife (1202 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2007-11-09 10:48:13 EST
Dear ____
I'm sorry I left the toilet seat up again, I know how much you hate it. It's only a small mistake though, right? It's no different from you leaving it down, after all, relatively speaking. I took the dog to the vet yesterday, while you had the kids at soccer practice, I hope it's alright. Remember that night in Paris, when I told you I loved you, and the stars sparkled like a celestial crown around the Eiffel tower? Well, the dog had a vasectomy. Ha ha. Just kidding. He's dead. Turns out he had an inoperable tumor in his brain. I thought this would be the easiest way to break it to you.
Remember that conversation we had, when you said that I needed to work on my conversational skills, and learn to respect your delicate, feminine emotions? Well, I've thought long and hard about it, and have decided you were right. I'm sorry. But not sorry enough to tell you that it's over bitch, I know you're fucking the mail-man again. Whore. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS FUCKING OVER.
I know you've been banging him ON MY BED. Do you know what bed cost? SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS and my gentle, thumping heart. Every time his dick slams into you it's like a penis shaped dagger through my heart. When I first heard about it it was like a million penis shaped daggers repeatedly stabbing my soul.
Oh, as you'll see by the mess on the floor I've shaved your cat and died it orange. Because that's what pain feels like _____, it feels orange.
Oh, kids, fuck you too. What have you ever done for anyone? I hope this house is attacked by killer bees and the undead and you have to go on some violent flight for your lives where one or two of you die, I'm looking at you Rick and Lucy, before finally thinking you've found safety only to die, Sameul L. Jackons style, like, maybe instead of getting eaten by a shark you get stung by a shitload of pissed off bees, and the zombie tries to eat your leg but he only kind of bites you, and you think you got out scot-free but then some ancient shogun brought to life by an evil curse plummets from above and decapitates you. That would rock.
So, in summation: Fuck you guys.
P.S. We're out of milk.
Love, your future husband.
XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo
User Reviews
Submitted by idodeklair (user info) at 2007-11-20 21:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-13 05:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocks.
Submitted by Adaman (user info) at 2007-11-12 03:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
saved for future use. a template for all breakup letters.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-11-10 16:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to print this, you never know...
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I first heard about it it was like a million penis shaped daggers repeatedly stabbing my soul.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-09 23:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:42:10 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you marry me, I won't fuck the mailman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever find what you were looking for?
And how did you get the cat into the build a bear shirt??
------------------
huh?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-11-09 23:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I might as well just save this for future time's sake.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was like déjà vu all over again
Submitted by Nietzsche (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, kids, fuck you too. -this is funny
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-09 19:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-09 18:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you marry me, I won't fuck the mailman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever find what you were looking for?
And how did you get the cat into the build a bear shirt??
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you marry me, I won't fuck the mailman.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what an amusing post looks like.
It looks orange
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So do my balls
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it feels orange
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-09 14:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-09 13:09:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this'll work.
---
I'm not happy to admit this, but you were in my dream last night.
We were sitting in front of an 11" tv set playing some sort of fighting game. You were controlling Milla Jovovich and I was some Conan guy. You were wearing a white t-shirt and there were beers, many beers.
Bizarre. Absolutely bizarre.
You SHOULDN'T be happy about that.
But thanks for giving me Milla, just the same.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, give muddy a hand here, peoples. He's using the joke I made on myself. Come on...guys.......give...........him......
....
....
guys?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed at my penis
===
we've all laughed at your penis
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
If I was the hugging type, I'd hug you.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is probably better than yesterday
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:21:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
swoon?
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed at my penis
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm moist.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never received a love letter before....
So when are we getting hitched?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sold.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a deeply moving tribute
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a dream last night that i stole a corvette that belonged to a friend of mine (he does not own a corvette, mind you).. in my dream, i 'woke up' and went outside to see the vette in my driveway so i raced around town trying to bring it back to his house before the sun came up.
then i REALLY woke up and 2only like 45 minutes had gone by since i fell asleep.
i sitll went outside to see if there was a corvette in my driveway.
Submitted by Jester_and_Traxx (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this'll work.
---
I'm not happy to admit this, but you were in my dream last night.
We were sitting in front of an 11" tv set playing some sort of fighting game. You were controlling Milla Jovovich and I was some Conan guy. You were wearing a white t-shirt and there were beers, many beers.
Bizarre. Absolutely bizarre.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this'll work.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
copy
paste
now i have plans for this weekend.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do this as the wedding toast.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shweet
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pain is SO orange.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed at penis shaped dagger
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed at penis shaped dagger