Outdated Software Reviews: Paint (907 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2007-11-09 21:26:04 EST
Every so often a product comes along that really makes reviewing outdated software worth every single penny I spent on a higher education. Once in a very great while a program re-emerges that is SO revolutionary, SO brilliant in it's simplicity, so elegant in its user interface; that it touches the imagination and I don't think I'm too bold to say the very soul in such a way that we just sit there; rooted to our swivel chairs in stunned silence thinking to ourselves...
"I am human. I can feel. I can... create."
Some people review outdated software for their entire lives without experiencing a moment like this. Oh sure, people on the outside think it's all fun and glamour, like, "hey, three stars for windows XP! Pour me a martini." Or, "I think Frogger is great. Who wants to go bowling?" Well, that's not how it is, my friend. It's a cut-throat business demanding long hours reviewing programs like minesweeper, calculator, internet explorer, or (god forbid) hot dog; and there is enormous competition in the field.
Here I am on my third review being asked to cover Microsoft Paint. Wow. What can I say dear uberers... What an honor.
With it, I think I will retire from the field of outdated software reviewing; recently I've received some serious pressure to stop from a certain special-interest group named HOFOSEWRIF, or Homos For a Serious Writer's Forum, so regrettably this will be the last of the series. What a way to go out though, really.
Honestly, I don't consider myself worthy to give MS Paint (nickname) a review. You should ask Forthewin or Squattail, maybe. Or perhaps that guy Tom Monkey; he uses it a lot I think. I can tell
you that if you have some actual talent and a few hundred hours on your hands you could create the most famous post on uber of all time; something like, oh... http://www.ubersite.com/m/84167. Or if you want to make some real art that's better than sex or jesus you could do something like this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91995. Or you can complain about how Powerade doesn't respect your intelligence. (http://www.ubersite.com/m/91787.) Or you could create awkward hand turkey theatre. (http://www.ubersite.com/m/101164.) Even a blithering idiot like Little Sally can be funny with some well-calculated control-print-screen action! (http://www.ubersite.com/m/98973) There really isn't any limit to what you can do with MS Paint.
And hey man, if you're not into "broadcasting" your work, you could just wile away hours drawing crappy mustaches on political figures, like so:
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-13 15:54:18 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
apollo, do you really have nothing better to do with your life?
if i were electro i'd send you a picture myself just to get the 500 bucks. """
i've got loads to do, I'm just fucking rich.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-12 11:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-11 12:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be NOTHING on Uber without Paint
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-11 06:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that sucks dude. I saw a great Richard II at classic stage company. Michael Cumpsty played the title role. Michael Cumpsty is one of the best; extremely underrated.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-11 01:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried, but they wouldn't accept my review. Filters. At least I now have an account with IMDB that won't let me speak my mind. Awesome.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-11 01:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to create an account with IMDB right now to let them know just that.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-11 01:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCKING HELL IF THAT WASN'T THE WORST SHAKESPEARE PRODUCTION I'VE SEEN SINCE THE BBC'S RICHARD II AND TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II HEY...I HAVE AN IDEA...LET'S TAKE A TRIED AND TRUE COMEDY AND TURN IT INTO A DEEP MEANINGFUL TRAGEDY AND LET'S HAVE THAT WANKER JOSEPH FIENNES WHISPER HALF HIS LINES THAT WOULD BE AWESOME RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR NO IT WAS BLOODY WELL TONS WORSE THAN RICHARD II AND I SPENT 7.99 ON THIS CRAP
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-10 23:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay...so I've never seen a Pacino movie I didn't like, until tonight. It's an utter disaster. I'm determined to get through it, though. Maybe.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-10 13:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't want to live in a world without software that made this possible.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87807
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-11-10 13:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can even fuck up your shot at UberMadness!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98458
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-10 11:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dirty sanchez
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-11-10 09:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Layers are for people who have no plan!"
Amen.
You forgot the 2 rabbits. The 2 rabbits exclusively have their discussions in MS Paint. http://www.ubersite.com/u/St_Jimmy/l/2_rabbits
Always have, always will.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-10 05:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OM NON NOM!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-10 03:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish - The Third Man is one of the greatest films ever. You really are too cool.
Submitted by Little_Sally (user info) at 2007-11-10 02:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
better luck next time...
I know i'm into you
I don't know what to do
When we talk I feel like I died twice
Boxers use it's fists
Hockey players break their wrist
You break my heart when you try to play nice
Like a detective without a case
I magnify what you say and
Test the implications
It could be you or it could be through
Before it even begins
I'm a fish swimming without fins
Better luck next time
Maybe we could have a go
With another kind of love
One that carries on
Better luck next time
Guess I've only one regret
That I didn't get to know you better than I did
You tell me that you're mine
Are you just being kind?
Let's not stretch our imagination
When you look in my eyes
Always get them butterflies
My knees get weak with anticipation
And if I might have a slip of the tongue
Will the fun disappear?
Is the binding coming undone?
You keep me waiting within your grasp
But I can't tell what you feel
And I'm too afraid to ask you
Better luck next time
Maybe we could have a go
With another kind of love
One that carries on
Better luck next time
Guess I've only one regret
That I didn't get to know you better than I did
Better luck next time
Maybe we could have a go
With another kind of love
One that carries on
Better luck next time
Guess I've only one regret
That I didn't get to know you better than I did
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah fuck it. I'm going to go watch "The Third Man" for the 50th time. They call me Mr. Happenin'.
(there were almost some more stupid words down here)
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Paint is NOT outdated, nor will it ever be.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate how it's obvious I had a few more gay things to say below, but thought better or it.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Da, konyechno.
I've only some beer.
Don't mind me. I'm just waiting for Tupac: Live at the House of Blues to start. It's on STARZ-Black-People.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'll give it fantastic. But that's all i'll give it. Also I've got premium russian vodka on hand. Nice, right?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Awesome" maybe? I mean, if you're looking for that very particular, hard-to-come-by word.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i just don't know what to say about that picture, lung.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-10 01:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*ahem*
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98860
And there's more where that came from.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-11-10 00:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-10 14:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The best thing ever made in MSPAINT is here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35708
-----
agreed.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-09 23:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
agreed.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-09 23:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Habeeb is the patron saint of MSPAINT.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-09 23:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes thank you for linking habeeb. how could I have left him out?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-09 23:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck Forthewin, and his queer mspaint spam masterpieces.
The best thing ever made in MSPAINT is here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35708
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
penii
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Paint is great.
I would say "except for the complete lack of control over where the marks are made,"
but I think that's a personal problem related to my longstanding syphilis infection.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i still use a 98 photo ed
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course I could just watch it and find out.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-09 22:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shouldn't ask you this, but... Is the Pacino version of "Merchant of Venice" any good? I bought that last week too.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-09 21:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have been a 2wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo but randomly tapping on lappy keyboard thing makes bad thing happen.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-09 21:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-09 21:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AGDEASDG REHGQREGPEQDJV a IUDSo9sa8ytc
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-09 21:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Paint, No Taint. That's what the kids say.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-09 21:30:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MS Paint... It's what's for dinner.
<speciallywhenyacain'taffordphotoshop>
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-09 21:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha I knew you were working on something.
Personally, I use a bootleg version of Illustrator CE.