Boris Belarus (516 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.67 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by QuinnTheEskimo (View user info) at 2007-11-11 09:37:58 EST
Boris walked into the college bookstore looking for a snack. He set off the electronic bell which made the pretty redhead behind the counter smile up at him. Instantly his hands went into the pockets of his sports coat and he hustled behind some kind of school spirit cardboard display.
He hated when the redhead was working in the bookstore. She was pretty and her prettiness made him feel awkward. He felt as if she were judging his every movement and decision negatively. When the dark-haired hippie guy or the fat lady were working he had no worries. He'd grab a soda and a bag of chips and be on his way; but the redhead, she always made things difficult. Boris felt awkward dropping the bad of chips and the soda on the counter when the redhead was there. For some reason he only felt comfortable buying trail mix and a bottle of water when the redhead worked, the fancy kind without M&M's or peanuts, the kind of trail mix with the gross leathery fruit and walnuts. Who actually likes walnuts, or any nut for that matter?
He already knew, without a doubt, that the girl hated him. He knew she thought he was creepy and weird and he hated her for that. He could tell from her forced smile when he walked in the store, the way she pretended not to watch him as he pretended to shop. She was waiting for him to steal something, he knew she hated him, knew it for a fact.
Slowly, so as not to look like he was making a break for it with a coat full of college bookstore booty, he made his way to the snack aisle. A whole aisle of tasty treats, none of which Boris would be able to enjoy today, at leas not with the redhead there watching his every move. He stood and tried to look thoughtful and introspective until he realized that no one normal became thoughtful and introspective when deciding what trail mix to buy.
He glanced towards the redheaded cashier, and for a moment they made eye contact. Boris dropped his gaze to the floor, his hands sliding quickly back into his pockets.
But no! Now she'll think he was touching himself, and surely that is a worse sin than stealing! She'd watch him even closer if she thought he was some kind of pervert! His ripped his hands from his pockets violently, and his arms flailed above his head for a moment. His eyes shot back to the redhead. Had she noticed? She wasn't looking directly at him. Boris squatted down and hid in the snack aisle, considering his options.
He wanted to run away and escape the pretty redhead that always made him so anxious. Unfortunately, fleeing the scene was not an option because she'd surely call the police if he behaved so suspiciously. He contemplated buying his trail mix and leaving, but now he was far too nervous to approach the counter. What if she confronted him with her suspicions?
"Were you touching yourself over there?" She would ask, staring him down.
"I... Well, you see..." He knew he would stutter and stammer and look guilty. He imagined the redhead had a big boyfriend that beat up weird guys in dress slacks that touched themselves in bookstores. "I wasn't touching myself!" Boris could hear himself screaming as he imagined the boyfriend hitting him again and again with different blunt object. Clearly the buying trail mix was not an option.
Perhaps he should cut his losses, just walk out of the bookstore and abandon the idea of a snack. He didn't like the idea of missing out on his between-class snack, especially after sleeping in and missing breakfast, but the idea of surly boyfriends with a passion for smashing bookstore cretins were more unpleasant and walked carefully away from the snack aisle.
As he neared the door the redhead spoke. "Didn't find anything you liked?" She asked with the helpful and concerned tone of someone who was clearly two-faced and a liar. "Are we out of trail mix?"
Boris was completely still, then, slowly, trying not to seem like a thief or a rapist, he said, "I didn't see any."
The redhead stood and walked over to the snack aisle. She was barefoot and made no noise as she walked by the postcard rack, or the big coolers full of soda and energy drinks. Boris noticed the flaw in his lie! When she found that there was plenty of trail mix she surely would jump to some wild conclusion that he was hiding something! She would accuse him of stealing and call the police for sure now. He would declare his innocence as the police handcuffed him, but to no avail. "That's what they all say." Boris imagined the officer saying. Or maybe the cop would say, "Save it for the judge, scumbag!"
Boris was frozen with anxiety. His mind wrestled with the idea of prison. He could never survive in a place like that, not ever. He'd be mocked and beaten and raped and he'd be forced to take his own life by hanging himself in his cell with his underwear! What a violent way for his life to end!
"There's the trail mix!" The redhead said, sounding pleased. Pleased perhaps, at the though of Boris's gruesome suicide daydream.
It was a moment before Boris answered her. "Oh, good. I must have overlooked it." He said it too loud and too fast.
"Did you want to buy a bag?" The redhead asked.
Again there was a pause before he answered, "Yes."
He followed her slowly to the counter, watching her every movement for a sign of treachery. This friendliness had to be false. Boris knew, he knew for a fact that the redhead was feigning kindness, probably to lure him into some kind of trap! Clearly she was planning on framing him for some horrible misdeed she had committed.
"Ninety-nine cents, please." The redhead chimed sweetly. Too sweetly. She was certainly up to something. She couldn't hide her evil plans from Boris Belarus!
Boris handed her his wrinkled dollar, and she handed back a penny and the trail mix. "You have really nice ears." She said which made Boris jump nervously. He could never understand why people complimented his ears. All his life he'd heard about his ears, all the way back to his first day of school when his mother had pointed them out after she'd slicked his hair back with too much gel.
"Nice ears? Why not compliment me on the pleasant taste of my stool?" The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to think the sentence through. This was what he always thought after someone complimented the pleasantness of his ears. He felt the two were equally ridiculous compliments, however, to have actually spoken that question aloud, and to the redheaded cashier that had been looking for a reason to bother him since he came in!
It was too much for Boris Belarus to handle, and so he quickly left the store, his coat flowing behind him. He left so quickly that he hadn't seen the cashier's reaction, nor heard her shouts of "Hey! You forgot your trail mix!"
As soon as he was out of the bookstore he ran all the way to his next class, but the door was locked. Nearby was an uncomfortable cement bench and it wasn't until Boris sat on it that he realized he had left his trail mix behind. However when he weighed being without a snack against the ideas of being beaten by an angry boyfriend or tortured into suicide in prison, going hungry didn't seem so bad. He crossed his arms and closed his eyes, waiting for his next class to begin.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:47:18 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post on the front page. I read it again. I've known guys like Boris. A couple, anyway. I even hired a guy like that for a temporary position a couple years back. This guy had spent several thousand dollars on web-based dating service sites. (Whatever the fuck you call 'em.) He couldn't act normal...well, ever...but especially when women were around. I just wanted to slap him. In any case, he pretty much freaked everybody out and wasn't asked to continue working for us. I hope he's not a Uberer.
_______________________________
After reading this I tried to remember where i was working a two years ago, because I was positive you were talking about me, except for spending money on internet dating.
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Haha, yeah, reading the reviews I kept thinking, "Man, people sure are talking a lot of shit on a character obviously based on Quinn."
I still love you.
Heather's fucking annoying anyway.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this.
good stuff.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-13 06:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-12 15:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's a Russian. What the fuck do you expect?
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Actually, he is from belarus. im thinking hes going to be a recurring character in a series of somekind.
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Belarus means white russian, so you are both kinda right
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-13 02:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-13 00:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have clicked on so much SHIT today and constantly complained to myself about how terrible Uber is these days and then BAM, the least hitwhore name on the front page is also by far the best post.
This reminds me of my Uber phase about 2 years ago of writing short fiction with the least hitwhore titles ever. I had an average rating of like, 1 point a billion but dick all hits. Such a shame, this was gooooood.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post on the front page. I read it again. I've known guys like Boris. A couple, anyway. I even hired a guy like that for a temporary position a couple years back. This guy had spent several thousand dollars on web-based dating service sites. (Whatever the fuck you call 'em.) He couldn't act normal...well, ever...but especially when women were around. I just wanted to slap him. In any case, he pretty much freaked everybody out and wasn't asked to continue working for us. I hope he's not a Uberer.
_______________________________
After reading this I tried to remember where i was working a two years ago, because I was positive you were talking about me, except for spending money on internet dating.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-12 15:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's a Russian. What the fuck do you expect?
________________________
Actually, he is from belarus. im thinking hes going to be a recurring character in a series of somekind.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-12 21:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bookmark +2.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post on the front page. I read it again. I've known guys like Boris. A couple, anyway. I even hired a guy like that for a temporary position a couple years back. This guy had spent several thousand dollars on web-based dating service sites. (Whatever the fuck you call 'em.) He couldn't act normal...well, ever...but especially when women were around. I just wanted to slap him. In any case, he pretty much freaked everybody out and wasn't asked to continue working for us. I hope he's not a Uberer.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-12 16:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-12 15:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a lot of your stuff is real fun to read
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-12 15:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
weeeeee!!!!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-12 15:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's a Russian. What the fuck do you expect?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-12 15:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-11 20:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most enjoyable. I smiled at least three times. Boris needs to have a drink and relax.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-12 14:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-12 13:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like Boris.
He should be segregated.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-12 10:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is brilliant.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-12 09:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boris seems a lovable young chap.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-12 01:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i agree, lungfish.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-11 20:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most enjoyable. I smiled at least three times. Boris needs to have a drink and relax.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-11 13:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude... what?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-11 13:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seems like something I've read before.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-11 12:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like walnuts.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-11 12:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate trail mix
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-11 11:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sane
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-11-11 09:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck indeed.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-11 09:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
different blunt object.
blunt objects.
i meant it to be plural.
Seriously, i re-read this thing like, nine times. WHAT THE FUCK?!