Never Let A Comedian Give You Sex Tips (927 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.84 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BillyGoat (View user info) at 2007-11-12 19:23:24 EST
"Recycle the pussy," shrieks Chris rock as he crescendos to his climax, barely bringing a smile to my face. My boredom has reached previously unseen levels and I regret taking the day off. The cold weather is getting me down even more and the electric heater is just taking too long.
"Turn old pussy into new pussy," he shouts once more rattling my brain with his voice. Usually, I'd be chuckling away, but today he just aint bringing it and i turn the stereo off before another ear bashing.
I turn to the internet hoping to find something to while the time away. The antivirus software has been scanning for ages, so it takes a little longer to download the webpage, giving me time to contemplate the current stale patch in my life. The job is good and pays very well, but it's not very stimulating. When I return from work, I inevitably end up in the pub talking about the same old bullshit with the same old faces. You can see the strain in their faces as they fish around for something new to talk about. Closer to home, my sex life is not in ship-shape condition either. Don't get me wrong, we do it 3-4 times a week-more than average, I'll have you know- but it's getting all too familiar. What's that they say? Familiarity breads contempt. I'm not at that point but give it a few months...
So I'm mindlessly meandering through the trudge that is ubersute. Each click is laboured, with expectation levels at an all time low. There is been a sudden influx of new users who have diluted the quality and now it's even harder to find the wheat from the chaff. As if to hammer this point home; the fist link has a girl shitting in a glass and proceeding to eat it and I think to myself, can this day get any worse? My last hope for escapism has let me down and I'm left on my own.
I slump back onto my bed and my mind winds back to Mr Rock and all I can hear is a continuous chant of "recycle the pussy," the bastard is in me and I can't let him go.
Maybe he's right; it's time to recycle the pussy, and bring something new to the relationship. Make it spontaneous and unusual. Tow the boat, why don't you.
Now I set to exploring the many avenues on how this excursion from the banal could be achieved. I try to recall the many porno flicks I have seen, and nothing stands out. We could dress up, but that involves too much work and it takes away the surprise element. Or role play master and servant but I don't wanna get whipped. Maybe rubber or strap-ons, gas masks even? Maybe, maybe, maybe...what?
And then it hits me, why not anal? She hasn't done it and I sure as hell haven't done it. It will be a first for both of us and who knows, this could be the beginning of a whole new adventure in our sex life.
After deciding, I set to creating the mood for the special occasion, making sure to download her favourite album, light the candles and put a few rose petals on the pillow, all a bit cliché, but we all get clues from somewhere-right. I survey my creation and I have to say I'm mightily impressed. This should be good way to kick start any stagnant relationship. I settle back waiting from my sweet cherry pie to arrive.
Time goes by and I'm almost down to twiddling my thumbs, until I remember that I have forgotten the lube. Normally, I wouldn't worry because it doesn't take much to get her moistened, but today is different. The last thing I want to tear her up and leave her unable to walk tomorrow.
So 15 minutes before she arrives, I'm scrambling for lube in the pharmacy. I don't bother to read the label; I choose the cheapest one, as I'm not planning on making anal sex an essential part our sex life. It's a one-off, a gimmick, a tester session, if it works, then, who knows-it might be a regular feature.
I arrive 5 minutes before she does and set to oiling up. I'm not sure how much to spread or if she should be the one lubing up.
She comes in and hurriedly closes the door. She greets and hugs me as per usual and proceeds to change in the bedroom.
I'm right behind her and she is slightly taken aback when I slip my hand down her panties and begin to massage her butt. She yields quickly though and turns around in preparation for the traditional blow-job before the missionary. But I say nay! Keep your back turned coz today we'll do it different.
I bend her over and slip her panties down. My hand makes the usual journey to the moistness but falls short at the starfish, whereupon I proceed to massage with my thumb. A few drops of saliva make the job easier and I'm soon in rhythm. She hasn't complained this far, so I guess its all good or maybe it's because the other four fingers are caressing between her legs.
She flinches, however when I slip the thumb into her rectum. I can feel the clenching reflex and I dread to think if she has smeared any residue on my thumb. I stubbornly persevere and I think I have breached the wall of china when I hear her moan, slow at first, but increasing in frequency with every rub. Her grip on my finger has loosened and the crease of her bum is getting moister. I withdraw my finger-still clean- and place it against her and she rubs herself against it.
The time has come, for me to take the plunge and so I pull my dick out, reach for the lube and apply a final coat before I go in. I put the head on the starfish and she back up onto it. The entry is laboured at first but after some adjustment, I'm in.
The first few thrusts are greeted with approving grunts and I have to say I'm enjoying this far more than I expected. I bring her legs slightly closer so she has a tighter grip on me. The increased pressure on my penis is amazing and it takes me to another level. I'm thrusting like a madman and she is replying with more cries, working her way into frenzy. The night couldn't have gone better.
***
20 minutes later, we are in our underwear, watching TV. Whilst simultaneously, chatting away without a care in the world. I almost wanna do it again, because I enjoyed it so much. She too; she can't stop talking about it. If only I could personally thank Chris for such a brilliant night. She's fidgeting on the sofa and so I jokingly ask if it burns. She says yes and we laugh.
An hour goes by and she has fallen asleep but something is not right. She can barely keep still and her hand periodically moves to her butt area, as if to scratch. I notice her face is flushed and that she's taking deep gasps when she breathes.
She rotates so that her back is to the ceiling and I see that her butt cheeks are bright red. I'm confused; my mind is racing trying to recall all that's gone before. A minute passes, then I remember her saying something about being allergic to a type of lube, but which one?
I run to the bedroom, grab the lube, reach for the phone and dial 999.
Maybe recycling the pussy wasn't such a good idea afterall.
Damn you Chris for putting ideas into my head!
User Reviews
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-21 09:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hurty. i had an allergic reaction to some cream once and my skinned burned more than it itched.that why the character makes as if to scratch, but because she;s asleep, she can;t distinguish between the two sensations.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-21 07:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-21 11:59:31 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch!
My inflatable lady has a similar problem sadly :-(
==========
You fucked her in the ass and now she's itchy?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-21 06:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch!
My inflatable lady has a similar problem sadly :-(
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chris Rock? Pffft. His half-assed comedy pales in comparison to my genius!
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
all i have to say is always read the label
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:53:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shouldn't this post be called "remember what your woman is allergic to?"
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-13 09:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Allergic reactions suck. Should always pay close attention when she includes the words allergy and sex in the same sentence. Very close attention!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-13 09:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
acrilicious
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-13 09:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-13 08:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-13 08:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i read never let a canadian give you sex tips.
that's funnier
did you know;
canadians are considered the masters of manger(that's french, ya rednecks); i.e. oral sex.
well, it's true
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-13 05:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What are the two best things about having anal sex with your wife?
It hurts and it's humiliating.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-13 05:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Usually, I'd be chuckling away, but today he just aint bringing it and i turn the stereo off before another ear bashing.
============
I am going to read the rest of this, but honestly, the concept of Chris Rock "bringing it" is fucking laughable.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2007-11-13 05:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chris Rock is NEVER wrong.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-13 02:05:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-13 11:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 19:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anal sex is fucking fantastic. Fortunately I had my first rectum plunge at the age of 16. Bad luck on the lube though, bet you were in the shit in the morning.
----
Coach told ya it would improve your vertical leap didn't he?
---
You know, I just realised I actually mis-worded that horribly. My intention I guess was to say I 'gave' my first rectum plunge?
------
So how was he?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-13 02:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
~CAULAINCOURT APPROVED~
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-13 00:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU PEOPLE HAVE BORING SEX LIVES AND IT DEPRESSES ME
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not good enough for a 2, or a 1 for that matter, but you're trying.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Really?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-12 23:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-13 11:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 19:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anal sex is fucking fantastic. Fortunately I had my first rectum plunge at the age of 16. Bad luck on the lube though, bet you were in the shit in the morning.
----
Coach told ya it would improve your vertical leap didn't he?
---
You know, I just realised I actually mis-worded that horribly. My intention I guess was to say I 'gave' my first rectum plunge?
******
The Latin for that is: Backus Pedalus. . .
:)
:)
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-13 11:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 19:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anal sex is fucking fantastic. Fortunately I had my first rectum plunge at the age of 16. Bad luck on the lube though, bet you were in the shit in the morning.
----
Coach told ya it would improve your vertical leap didn't he?
---
You know, I just realised I actually mis-worded that horribly. My intention I guess was to say I 'gave' my first rectum plunge?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Buttfuckers are second-rate, especially Wildman.
See the point, assfuckers??
:) :)
:)
:)
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-12 22:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
got a bit of a chub
******
yep, no doubt
Submitted by franzferdipants (user info) at 2007-11-12 21:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-11-12 21:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That will teach you not to lube her up with spit
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
got a bit of a chub
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-12 20:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 19:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anal sex is fucking fantastic. Fortunately I had my first rectum plunge at the age of 16. Bad luck on the lube though, bet you were in the shit in the morning.
----
Coach told ya it would improve your vertical leap didn't he?
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-12 19:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anal sex is fucking fantastic. Fortunately I had my first rectum plunge at the age of 16. Bad luck on the lube though, bet you were in the shit in the morning.