I'm never drinking with my sister again (1559 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.17 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <uberaj.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-11-13 19:24:13 EST
I love my sister, but I hate hanging out with her. It's sort of the opposite of going to your grandma's house.
Grandma's house- Milk and cookies.
My sister's house- A few stale saltines and a half-full Old Style Light in the fridge.
Grandma's house- The smell of potpourri strewn about over the back of the toilet next to the doily covering an extra roll of toilet paper- just in case Grandma's little guy needs an extra dry rump.
My sister's house- The smell of her boyfriend's stale farts and unsightly body hair all over. All over.
Suffice it to say I don't pay her visits too often. But I have been going down to her town a few nights a week lately to stay with our brother- who currently has no roommate and still hasn't come across a miraculous cure for paralysis. But her boyfriend called me the other day to let me know that he was going to be out at the bars for his birthday.
His 27th birthday.
I'm not saying that 27 is old, but 27 is too old to be running around at college town bars with a bunch of drunken underage idiots who don't know how to act. That's a more fitting job for a 23-year-old; which is why I decided to make an appearance.
In conjunction with staying at my brother's place, I also have to put him to bed some nights. This gave me a nice excuse not to go out early and make small talk with a whole bunch of people I didn't know. But it also ensured that by the time I got down there everyone was going to be completely shitfaced.
Taking into account the latter, my roommate and I decided to go get something to eat and have a few beers in advance so we wouldn't have many more to go before we could better tolerate the "I LOVE MY BROTHER" bearhugs my sister is notorious for. After we got done eating, I called to see where they were going to be headed later on that night. If there's one thing I hate, it's talking to a bunch of drunk people at a bar where they can't hear you- If there's another thing I hate, it's talking to those same drunk people on the phone.
"Where are you guys?"
"WHAT?!"
"Where are you guys going to be at 11 when I come down?"
"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU IT'S LOUD IN HERE!"
"Maybe you should step outside or into the bathroom real quick so you can hear me."
"WHAT?!"
"Jesus Christ."
"HANG ON, I'M GOING TO WALK OUTSIDE REAL QUICK."
We met up with them at about 11, and I knew right away that there wasn't going to be enough booze in the entire world to help me deal with the situation at hand. Two of her friends had their coats on their arms-
"We're ready to go."
"Hang on, we're going to do one more shot- WAIT GUYS MY BROTHER IS HERE!"
After the obligatory bearhug and googly-eyed-happy-to-see-you drunk look, I asked where her boyfriend was.
"He's outside. He's an asshole, he shoved me down."
"Did he shove you, or are you just so drunk you fell?"
"I'm not drunk, I'm just upset. HE SHOVED ME!"
It was at this point that I decided I needed a few drinks before I could deal with all the drama that was unfolding.
"Let's do shots!" my sister shrieked in my ear. She's like the Cookie Monster when it comes to drinking. "C is for Cuervo, I'll drink it 'til I puke!
After taking a few shots at the bar and having a drink, I was starting to feel the effects. I walked outside to wish her boyfriend a happy birthday, and saw that it definitely was time for them to go home. His eyes were half-closed, he was bumping into everyone, and he was drinking water out of a big cup that had fake bling spelling out "Ho fo' sho'."
We went back into the bar and my sister came up to make conversation, bringing with her one of her friends that was ready to go- wearing the most sour expression you can imagine. She looked like the Trix rabbit would if those bastard little kids would finally give him a bowl with poop floating in it. It was the most cartoonish frown I have ever seen.
"I thought we were going to leave."
"You've got to meet my brother first- AJ this is Jen- she's cute- here Jen, you switch me places and stand next to my brother."
"Hi. You look like your sister."
"Hi. You look like someone crapped in your cereal."
"Don't be an asshole, it was a compliment!"
"Don't be a psycho, it was an observation."
"Jen's a stripper!" my sister piped up.
"Really? Do they have a mandatory draft now?"
"Fuck you!"
"Not even if you paid me."
At this point the uglier of the two girls that were ready to leave came up.
"What's going on?"
"Her brother's an asshole!"
"What'd he say?"
"He asked if strippers had a mandatory draft."
"Fuck you!"
"Listen, ladies- and I use that term loosely- it's not that you're ugly, or that I'd even mind seeing you naked, but I just can't imagine anyone paying you for it. I'll give you a dollar if you stop with that goddamn frown, though."
It was an instant after this that intense pain shot up my spine and something warm started trickling down my leg.
I got kicked in the scrotum by an ugly stripper wearing stilettos.
I'm never drinking with my sister again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2007-11-30 00:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Aaaaaaaand my dick JUST now exploded. Thank god for that, if anything.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-11-15 15:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-11-14 05:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Love how it's always the ugly little guys who think they're too good for chicks. I mean, I'm hot and i would have screwed them both.
And your sister, even if she was my sister.
***
haha
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sure as hell got sick of seeing my last shitty post on the front page too. +2 for helping to push it aside.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to post again tomorrow regardless of whether this is off the front page, damnit.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-14 15:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy drinking stories. drunk people are always highly entertaining
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:28:29 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knocked this out in about ten minutes at the end of work. I just got sick of seeing the same posts on the front page for three days.
Now someone please start fighting about why someone else rated something a certain way.
---
I tried.
:(
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Pfft, this is your oppurtunity to grab the spotlight and to be all "KINGS OF UBER ARE WE!" sort of dealio. Dominate the front page! Control the ideas of lowlife scum on a global scale!.
***
One post a day, n00b.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knocked this out in about ten minutes at the end of work. I just got sick of seeing the same posts on the front page for three days.
Now someone please start fighting about why someone else rated something a certain way.
---
I tried.
:(
------------------------------
Pfft, this is your oppurtunity to grab the spotlight and to be all "KINGS OF UBER ARE WE!" sort of dealio. Dominate the front page! Control the ideas of lowlife scum on a global scale!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knocked this out in about ten minutes at the end of work. I just got sick of seeing the same posts on the front page for three days.
Now someone please start fighting about why someone else rated something a certain way.
---
I tried.
:(
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:05:25 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Really? Do they have a mandatory draft now?"
If you actually said that, it's one of the great lines ever.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I drink to make other people interesting.
That's my excuse too!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-11-14 04:42:05 CST (#)
Ranking: -2
Love how it's always the ugly little guys who think they're too good for chicks. I mean, I'm hot and i would have screwed them both.
And your sister, even if she was my sister.
***
I resent being called little.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knocked this out in about ten minutes at the end of work. I just got sick of seeing the same posts on the front page for three days.
Now someone please start fighting about why someone else rated something a certain way.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Reasonably Believable Drinking Analogy +2
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Anecdote?
__________
I had "anal" on the brain... too much 2girls1cup and meatholes, apparently. Sorry.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She looked like the Trix rabbit would if those bastard little kids would finally give him a bowl with poop floating in it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I drink to make other people interesting.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-11-14 08:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"C is for Cuervo, I'll drink it 'til I puke!
I had a friend in high school that lived by that mantra.
And AJ? If you have a pissed off woman coming at you wearing stilettos you're aloud to fight back. Those bastard heels should be considered concealed weapons.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-11-14 08:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fag is this, chaos_ching?
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V
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
_______________________
Because it was (just barely) worth reading and I really had nothing to say about it...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 08:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was perhaps the most boring thing that I have ever read. I kept waiting for a punchline or an...anything. Normally I enjoy your shit.....nevermind, who cares? This was fucking a deplorable shit heap.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
If that's how you look after drinking with your sister, then yes, it is time to stop.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 05:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AJ, why do you subject yourself to this sort of rape?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-11-14 05:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Love how it's always the ugly little guys who think they're too good for chicks. I mean, I'm hot and i would have screwed them both.
And your sister, even if she was my sister.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 04:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmm... Ok.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-14 03:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shenanigans
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-14 02:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-13 21:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You probably could have lost your virginity, Manute, if you weren't such a wiseass.
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hahaha. Manute.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
those girls sound quite sophisticated if they understood the 'mandatory draft' reference so quickly
i'm still not quite sure i understand
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I'm with this guy. I mean I guess I got it after i finished the story but I would have been left scratching my head if somebody said that to me.
Submitted by franzferdipants (user info) at 2007-11-14 01:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-11-14 01:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think the "kicked in the raisins" look is becoming of you.
I like that "mandatory draft for strippers"
Ha ha
p
l
u
s
2
f
e
r
you!
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm pretty sure half of Ubersite would contest the idea that acting like a drunken teenager in your late twenties is a sign of immaturity.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by bart (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not saying that 27 is old, but 27 is too old to be running around at college town bars with a bunch of drunken underage idiots who don't know how to act."
Fortunately it becomes ok again when you turn 32.
===
Still OK again at 34. He just left my apartment.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Reasonably Believable Drinking Analogy +2
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Anecdote?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fag is this, chaos_ching?
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V
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-11-14 00:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not saying that 27 is old, but 27 is too old to be running around at college town bars with a bunch of drunken underage idiots who don't know how to act."
Fortunately it becomes ok again when you turn 32.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-11-13 23:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH FUCK I MEANT TO GOVE THIS A +2
GO HAWKEYES WOO!!!!
BAHAHAHAHAHA
GO ILLINI WOO!!!
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-11-13 23:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WAIT LIES THERES NO BOOZE IN IOWA...
THERE IS NOTHIN IN IOWA....
OMG ALERT THE MEDIA A BLACKHOLE HAS BEEN DISCOVERED
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-13 23:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what trickled?
--
I'm kinda curious as well, did you piss yourself when you got scrotum kicked?
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-13 23:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Really? Do they have a mandatory draft now?"
If you actually said that, it's one of the great lines ever.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what trickled?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG WHAT A CUNT.
Seriously though it sounds like a super high-class time.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whiteboy
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wasted potential
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-13 22:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-13 21:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
yawn
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-13 21:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You probably could have lost your virginity, Manute, if you weren't such a wiseass.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You shoulda hit it...
...beggars can't be choosy.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Reasonably Believable Drinking Analogy +2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But...you're like eighteen feet tall. That must have been one leggy stripper.
Strippers are fiesty, you know. You should have known better. Awesome post, though.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR IT, AJ
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that an alligator shirt?
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a223/spartanguy/lacoste.jpg
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-11-13 20:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the exact frown you're talking about. I used to take French with a girl who always looked like a snooty rich old woman being harassed by a beggar.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
those girls sound quite sophisticated if they understood the 'mandatory draft' reference so quickly
i'm still not quite sure i understand
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and he was drinking water out of a big cup that had fake bling spelling out "Ho fo' sho'."
________
and where do I get one?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:33:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your sister too
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I learned that lesson after doing cocaine with my sister.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i haven't read this yet, but i'm assuming you rooted her?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-13 19:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That sign in the background is stolen. I put the 'star' in 'gangstar.'