Me, myself. (740 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by orph (View user info) at 2007-11-14 06:10:28 EST
I woke up and gently nudged my leg off me.
Then I really woke up, and looked across the fluffy white pillows. Lying next to me was me; rather surreal at 6.00 in the morning. It was me, but older, a bit more haggard, yet with a more relaxed, worldly way about me. I looked quite cool. Not at all like the hopeless case that I had become.
I didn't have the heart to wake me up, so I tip-toed quietly into the kitchen and cooked bacon and eggs - my favourite breakfast, with thick toast and barbeque sauce. I came out of the bedroom to join me, drawn by the smell of the bacon wafting through the house.
I ate breakfast sitting at the table, whilst I sat on the nearby settee. I loved it, and so did I. Afterwards I washed up and dried the dishes, whilst I got ready to go out. I didn't know what the day held in store, but I did, so I showered and got dressed and left, and waited out front for me to join me.
I didn't speak much walking down to the shops, but I couldn't shut up - so many questions. Why was I here? Am I from the future, or is this just a hallucination? Did I have secret information for myself, which necessitated the crossing of space and time to let me know?
It turned out that I was just as confused as I was. But I decided to make the best of it, and went around to check up on old friends that I hadn't seen in ages, but were the same ones I'd spent yesterday with down at the pub. I kept asking questions, until eventually I was told to shut up and listen, as I explained what I knew.
Apparently, I'd been out the night before, with my wife (I can't believe I'm married!) and seen a film, before having a late dinner followed by a romantic walk through the park home. I'd made love to her, and satisfied had fallen to sleep, and then had woken up next to me.
I couldn't believe I'd ever lived the way I did now - crap job, shitty little flat, and gone out drinking all the time, pissing away what little money I'd had. I admit that I looked at myself with a bit of disdain. I stood there reflecting on my life, whilst I stood next to me, shaking my head and wondering how to get back to my life, and away from the loser that was me.
I'd been standing there in the one place for so long I'd forgotten why. The traffic whizzed and blurred past me, whilst a man in a scruffy uniform yelled, asking whether I was getting on or not, and asking whether I was getting on as well.
"Oh, that's right, I'm at the bus stop," I remembered, and shook my head at the driver, who stopped yelling, shook his head back, and called me a wanker, and then gave me the finger. I called me a less than savoury name, and kept walking.
The thick fumes of the bus filled my lungs as it pulled away, and I thought I really should have caught that bus, but I'd never been good with confrontation, or even public questioning, and hence, I remained on the footpath. How did I ever get out of this?
*
The game is all there is.
Yes, there's also famine, war, pestilence and suffering immeasurable, but not on Saturday.
Civilisations could crumble into dust, the land could heave and form new continents, and the second coming could arrive to the fanfare of angelic trumpets, but if the game is on, does it really matter?
The world's population, or at least those fortunate enough to have access to a television, take a collective, orbit-wobbling breath, and settle down for and hour and a half of glorious action every weekend. The endless debate begins over every minute aspect of the ground, the teams, the weather, the gossip, the injuries - it's all the game.
The rival fans voices begin, low and terrible in their multitude, but rousing and spine-tingling as the chorus of thousands resonate around the stadiums. The pack mentality is in full swing, and to be a part of it is like heroin pulsing through your veins. There is nothing else, and will be nothing else for the next ninety minutes.
Yes it has sold out, and yes, it will eventually eat itself, but all love it and none can live without it.
*
Whenever I feel down I think about football. I used to do that as well, but I grew out of it, and made something of myself. I caught up with me and we walked to my friend's house.
I knocked on Dave's door, and hugged him like the long lost friend he was. I just said hi and asked him if he'd had a good sleep. Dave seemed to like me more than me, and they had heaps of catching up to do. I just sat there.
Susan came around after about half and hour and I jumped up, kissed her passionately. I was shocked. She was a bit surprised to say the least, as she doesn't like me very much. But I started talking to her, explaining what had happened, and showed her my wedding ring and photos of here from my wallet, and she seemed to start remembering things that hadn't happened yet.
We are married where I cam from, and soon I was snuggling up with her on the couch, as though this morning had never happened. I was so cool, yet I myself was such a sad pathetic specimen.
I made plans with Susan, filling her in on what was yet to happen to her, but that I'd already lived through. I knew so much about her, and she warmed to me with every passing moment.
No one was taking any notice of me; they were all to excited about how I'd come back for a visit, and were making plans, calling all my friends, and getting ready for a great big welcome home party.
I slunk off, left without saying goodbye. I packed my things and caught the first train out of town. No one would miss me, as I was back; better than ever before.
I stayed, and lived my life, as it should have been.
![mirror9screen[1].jpg (79 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1195038628262818762/1/mirror9screen[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ksj3888 (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the story reminded me of these ads that are playing here to try and get us to stop binge-drinking, apparantly kiwis have a problem with alcohol. *shrugs* whatever.
basically, the ad is of sober 'you' spending the night out with drunk 'you' , i guess the intention is to shame you into being all responsible and shit and not beat your kids.
I'm not too sure if this review has any relevance, cos i'm hungover.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very well done. as always.
just read "the time traveller's wife" and reading this was like a surprise of a lost chapter.
that's a compliment.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very cool but i agree:
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever stuff, but kind of depressing really.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Made me smile" actually works here. Although it was kind of depressing, I read through it with a bemused half-smile on my face.
That's another way of saying I'm tweaking on Adderall and read through it really fast.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes i think you could safely label him gay.. he's having sex with dudes who aren't even his former self. Whether or not he's into it for documenting their distressed state after the fact.. he still has sex with dudes that aren't himself.
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What about the bummed dudes? Do they have to meet a certain struggle quotent to be considered non-gay?
This sort of information is really important if you ever go to an Ubercon with Method and still be able to go to heaven afterwards.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes i think you could safely label him gay.. he's having sex with dudes who aren't even his former self. Whether or not he's into it for documenting their distressed state after the fact.. he still has sex with dudes that aren't himself.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea i can agree with that.. because that point, its hard to argue you're really in it for the 'time travel'
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Yeah exactly, it's all about context.
OR IS IT? I mean what if there's a dude, a real fucked up, nasty, cruel, dark 'n' twisted dude, who gets off on degrading and humiliating people? And what if he abducts young dudes, fucks them in the arse, then dumps their unconsious body out in public and stalks them with a video camera afterwards just sort of eating up their distress? Is he gay, even if he's just in it for the humiliation & sadism?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea i can agree with that.. because that point, its hard to argue you're really in it for the 'time travel'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's still sex with a time traveler. I think it's only technically gay if you repeat the experience. Like, you have sex with yourself, then build a time machine to travel through time screwing yourself to find out when you were best at fucking.
That'd be pretty gay.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What if you don't push back, just do circles? Is that gay?
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think the same rules apply - it's only gay if you push back.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you travel back in time to have sex with yourself, is that gay?
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It's been argued that actually it'd be a once in a lifetime oppurtunity.
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What if you once had sex with an older woman who insisted on having the lights off while the fun was happening, then later you discovered time travel, had a sex change (operations/hormones/makeup/all that), and traveled back in time and had sex with yourself without your past self knowing who you were? Would that be ungay? And which of yourselves, if either, would bring the condoms/buy the takeout Chinese/leave before the other wakes up?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you travel back in time to have sex with yourself, is that gay?
----------------
It's been argued that actually it'd be a once in a lifetime oppurtunity.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tempted to go a la uniter and give you 1.5 but that would make me a giant wailing cunt
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you travel back in time to have sex with yourself, is that gay?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And your withered cock has the rank smell of a rotten skunk corpse and the texture of the fetid, mouldering innards of a dead badger.
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Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orphelia, I swear to Ahmet that your cunt smells like it's home to a colony of dung beetles and like a flamingo vomited in your canyon like gash.
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Get a trashbin outside a fast-food chicken place at 3:00 am, you two.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 08:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about a newt's perspective of geophysics. I think that has a great storyline all over it. Or, a horrifying tale of a deja vu insomniac.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-14 08:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks sico - but i'm having a bit of trouble thinking of things to write about, and work is flat out, so no time.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And your withered cock has the rank smell of a rotten skunk corpse and the texture of the fetid, mouldering innards of a dead badger.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orphelia, I swear to Ahmet that your cunt smells like it's home to a colony of dung beetles and like a flamingo vomited in your canyon like gash.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sico, you diseased squirrel cock, do not defile Orphs posts with your insults of me. This post is worthy of serious comments only, you stinking pile of rotten otter spunk.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orphelia's just mad because her cunt is waffling and could use a good stick rogering.
Berty, LEARN how to spell you heathen. EXHILARATING :)
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading, but although I've never taken heroin I fail to see how it can be anyting like being at a football match. Unless maybe you're watching Forres Mechanics v. Clachnacuddin.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to personally kick whoever's ass doesn't meet this post with a +2. Did you read this shit? It's not 'shit' that was more of a colloquialism than anything but this is shit is fucking fantastic. Let me further this by saying Orph is THE shit!
You continually awe me with your capability and whenever you post I actually read whereas others would be lucky if I skim their post.
1 thing though ;) here--->her cam---->came ? That's how I read it anyway.
Don't get your asses kicked.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe they meant refreshing to read a good post on Uber?
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Maybe they should have used a different word, like 'stimulating' or 'exhilerating'.
Also you should totally do sexual healing on Poor Little Orphan Ben.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe they meant refreshing to read a good post on Uber?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Refreshing?
It's a post about how he wants to disapear and be replaced with a better version of himself. That's like going to see some guy smashing kittens' legs with a hammer so they wail and crawl brokenly about and turning to your friend and saying "isn't this nice?".
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-11-14 07:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice read, refreshing.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a refreshingly good read.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it more on the second read.
And yeah, it is kinda depressing.
Good show.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever stuff, but kind of depressing really.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this relates to my theories on self-taste
i am inspired
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-14 06:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and Irene?
Yeah!! what do I win?