Waking Up Thinking Your Girlfriend Just Shit The Bed Can Be Incredibly Awkward. (1241 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.65 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by phuzzygish (View user info) at 2007-11-14 09:56:13 EST
And makes for some pretty interesting moments the next morning, that's for damn sure.
Now I'm a pretty heavy sleeper. A combination of alcohol, rastafari mountain cabbage and an incredibly large Parma ham and smoked mozzarella pizza from Colcacchios will do that to you.
So imagine my surprise, and incredible grumpiness, when at stupid o'clock on a weekday morning I get woken up with Sam poking me in the ear.
Not even in a good way.
She's poking, and prodding, and flicking and annoying. So I open my eyes, get ready to say something incredibly male and insensitive, and realize she's sort of pointing at my pillow. So I turn my sand-crusted ogies to my pillow, and see some dark streaks running down the material. I figured this probably warranted a little more attention than a grunt and a turn-over, so I did most men would do when faced with dark streaks on the pillow in the middle of the night...
I sat bolt upright, and freaked the fuck out.
Well, I was about to. It was going to be a fantastic little "HOLYSHIT MY NOSE MY FACE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HOLY SHIT MY NOSE MY FACE MY PRECIOUS* HOLY SHIT" type affair, complete with hysterics and metrosexual hand waving.
I didn't get the chance to have my little plutz in the end, because I looked at Sam instead. Sitting up in bed, arms outstretched like a war-zone orphan near death begging for food and redemption, or something equally metaphorical and emotional. A look of pure angelic confusion covered her face, along with great flipping wodges of brown stuff.
It was in her hair, all over her hands, covered her pyjamas, and spread all over the sheets.
So I flipped out good and proper at this point.
After a short time screaming like a Nancy Puff and leaping from bed to chest of drawers to boudoir-thingy, I stopped and considered something. Even though I may have spent a good part of my formative years with a humidifier trying to re-open my nostrils after an unfortunate trampoline accident, I can still smell shit, when shit happens. And I couldn't smell shit. At all. In fact, there was a sort of warm, cocoa-type aroma, but that was about it.
To cut a short story long, it turns out my darling dearest has a bit of a sleepwalking problem. And a 'wake up in the middle of the night hungry yet still asleep so I'll just grab this big chocolate bar, rip the cover off and take it to bed with me forgetting to actually eat the goddamn thing, instead falling asleep with it in hand and squidging it all over all and sundry instead" type problem.
Which I suppose isn't too bad, considering she has full control over her bowels as well. And insists on doing any and all housework to make up for it, including the washing, ironing and back waxing.
God I love her.
She presses my shirts like a legend.
* Not that I'm arrogant or vain or a misogynist sexist pig or anything. Not me, uh uh.
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-15 02:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
btw, does the end of apartheid have a holiday marking it?
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April 27th - Freedom Day. It was the day we had our first free, fair, and completely uniracial elections in 1994.
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cool.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-15 07:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sleepwalking, bedshitting, not agreeing to threesomes with her hot friend...whatever dude. I'd still boot her ass.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-15 02:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking outstanding.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-15 02:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
btw, does the end of apartheid have a holiday marking it?
-----
April 27th - Freedom Day. It was the day we had our first free, fair, and completely uniracial elections in 1994.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea i remember when i shit the bed *chuckles at memory*
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2007-11-14 15:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A precious family memory to cherish through all the years to come.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-14 15:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:47:24 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
btw, does the end of apartheid have a holiday marking it?
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Its called "Happy Click-Click Day" or "Clickmus"
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-14 15:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-11-14 15:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People with sleepwalkin sickness will kill you when you least suspect it
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
choctastic
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
make the woman sleep outside.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
btw, does the end of apartheid have a holiday marking it?
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm Tony Danza! Who else would I be?
My bestest friend in the world, Michael Jackson, showed me Uber one day, and my life has never been the same since. I've just been too busy to break out of occasionally browsing the site until now.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Who are you Tony Danza? Who are you?
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
orphelia - just remember that I'm the boss, and everything will be allll good. Groovy, indeed, dare I say it.
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where did the guy below come from?
------------------------
The '80s.
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Damn straight.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine you'd have smelled a thick "good morning" of heavy beef, vinegar and cauliflower had she actually done the deer. Or the deed even. Stupid fingers.
Always trust your nose. In fact, your nose might have caught it before your waking mind, possibly turning whatever dream you were having at the time into a Brown Vision.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Before I even read this, I was almost certain one of us pissed the bed on Saturday. We woke up naked and sticky, the blanket and top sheet were on the floor kind of wet. It might have been a whole lotta sweat, as it didn't smell particularly piss-ish, but I don't know... Remember, just because others drink alcohol doesn't mean you have to, too!
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny.
you always have good "titles"
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed
Good luck washing that shit out
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Thirty in a few weeks, actually. What has a guy from Taxi gotta do with this post??
Why register all those years ago and come out to play now?
Am I being dumb, Berty? Take me under your wing and mould me into an intelligent human bean, please.
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... It's a blast from the past Pheely. It's like Catchphrase, just say what you see.
Submitted by Constitution (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Thirty in a few weeks, actually. What has a guy from Taxi gotta do with this post??
Why register all those years ago and come out to play now?
Am I being dumb, Berty? Take me under your wing and mould me into an intelligent human bean, please.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my question is where is the remainder of the chocolate bar? if its smeared all over, could it be....that maybe, you are just not enough anymore and she reached for the wrong "bar" located in the night table drawer.
nothing intended, just a thot.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But he registered years ago and popped up to review this? (No offence Phuzzy)
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Jesus Pheely, I thought you were, like, 28 years old. How can you not understand the significance of Tony Danza?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But he registered years ago and popped up to review this? (No offence Phuzzy)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good tale, and you told it well.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where did the guy below come from?
------------------------
The '80s.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where did the guy below come from?
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This happened once to me on an episode of "Who's the Boss" - it was great.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-14 11:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually the thing that drew me into Ubersite was reading witty banter between Apollo, Dervel, Paul Hibbert and 'Honorary Englishman' Rad1101.
I dunno though, Uber is a different animal when you've got the English, Aussies and other commonwealth folk on. It's all about the banter. Later on all the seppos come on and it changes into, well, something altogether more diverse to be honest.
Wouldn't it be weird if a whole bunch of Chinese came on and started doing loads of posts in chinky! Shandy would be the only user who'd be able to converse with them.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeh, that's it. Write a response to every review and you'll hit most heated. Then, when someone random finds Ubersite and looks at the "Most Heated" list they'll see how much of a blog it is and never fucking come here again...
</spite>
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hahaha..yeah
because pictures of dudes flicking their nut is what keeps people in the seats
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They say when someone says mean things it means they really like you :)
CUNT LIPS!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a great writer when you get your thumb out your ass, Phallic. But if you think I give a flying fling at a rolling tiara about what YOU think I should do on MY posts, you're sorely mistaken.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitter Zebra below
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeh, that's it. Write a response to every review and you'll hit most heated. Then, when someone random finds Ubersite and looks at the "Most Heated" list they'll see how much of a blog it is and never fucking come here again...
</spite>
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why, you struggling to find dates in RL?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You like cock, dont you.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a firm believer in corporal punishment when deserved. My little soldier is big on discipline.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It shall be done. And no striking. But what is your policy on administering the occasional spank?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
after she falls asleep tonight get a jar of pasta sauce and a stuffed animal.
toss the sauce about and tear the animal to shreds and go back to sleep.
in the morning wake her up crying, asking her "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY HAVE YOU DONE"
turnabout
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Blumpkin -1 repost.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you could write a sitcom about your bedroom hijinks. I'll guest star. It's settled.
DEAL.
You get paid in confectionary, and no striking.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe she shits chocolate. Ever think of that?
===
HAHAHAHAHAAA
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank God I'm not the only one.
I thought I was alone.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reposted comment
Such delightful stories you write.
I've done this sleep/eat walking thing. Once I woke up only to find a half eaten plate of spaghetti next to me in bed. My hair was in it and the whole bedroom smelled of garlic.
I don't even remember getting up and fixing it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Well? WHO WINS IT?
I CAN'T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but now you're in my OTHER tribe.
The one where we do pointless stuff to fix errors nobody else cares about because if you leave the error uncorrected it makes your head hurt.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:59:08 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
And the "Unnecessary Repost Award" goes to...
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 10:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought i was ALREADY in your tribe... :(
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You may post about inane domestic occurrences but at least it's usally entertaining.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And the "Unnecessary Repost Award" goes to...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You reposted because you fucked up the italics.
This makes you one of my tribe and thus, entitled to much love.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Reposted from the original, to fix italics and edit a paragraph.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.imagepoop.com/images/well_at_first_i_was_like.jpg
