Hitting the town with Michael Jackson (556 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.85 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tony Danza (View user info) at 2007-11-14 16:00:53 EST
Hi Uber chums!
It's me, your friend Tony!
It's tough being an older actor nowdays. Sit-coms just aren't cutting it anymore compared to this "reality TV" crap, I'm too old to take up boxing again, and my talk show bombed after ONE season! ONE STINKIN' SEASON! I tell ya, these big shot young producers just don't appreciate the witty genius of me, Tony Danza, nowadays. So instead, I've attempted to showcase my talent and make it big on Broadway. After all, I've been in the entertainment business for over 20 years! I should know lots about entertaining!
But no one seems to be enjoying my Broadway show and this makes me sad! So, yesterday, I climbed into my humvee and drove down toward Michael's old Neverland ranch, ignored the yellow "FBI - do not cross" tape, busted on through it, and made my way into the back garden.
Alas, Michael wasn't there! Oh, how I wished for my old friend to appear! But apparently it would seem that the federal authorities have a closer, more watchful eye on him than back in his heyday. Can't say I blame him for going into hiding. You would too if every time your hair caught on fire, a camera crew was waiting for you in the bushes, just ogling for a view of that famous nose.
So I started heading back toward my old stomping grounds in the Bronx. Was I going to have to attempt to make it as a housekeeper again? It was certainly seeming that way. After all, I did cut a good jib as Mr. Goodmop for Angela all those years! I haven't seen her in ages now, but boy oh boy, have I been keeping tabs on Samantha! I'd clean her hardwood floors anytime now...
...mmmm....Alyssa Milano's hardwood floors....
...wait, where was I? Oh yes. Heading back to the Bronx. Damn agent. I really do need to fire his pasty ass.
Let me tell you Uber friends, I drove home in a daze! I hadn't been this depressed since Danny Devito left the cast of Taxi!
And then, pulling into my drive, I saw it! The answer to my wishes! A pink limo with vinyl-covered seats and personalized California plates "CPTEO" and a bumper sticker sporting the words "You've Got A Little Friend In Me!"
Jacko was here!
Michael and I first met through Danny Pintauro, at the Olsen Twin's 5th birthday party (You know, back before they sucked dick for a living. Hmm I wonder if Mary-Kate throws up after giving head? I'll have to ask Uncle Jesse) and have been firm friends ever since! Why, Mikey's even confided in me with a secret once or twice and asked for an alibi, how cool is this guy!
Anyways, Michael was here and he wanted to party!
He sent Prince Michael Junior, Paris and Blanket over to R. Kelly's house; he's always reliable as a last minute babysitter.
Soon Mikey and I were pounding (ha, pounding!) back the brews, well, in his case, wine coolers. After three or four, I was ready to hit the town.
Now don't get me wrong, Jackson is a great guy, but he can be a bit flaccid after a few drinks, a bit like David Bowie, just not as transsexual. Michael started complaining that he needed to find his facial mask and sequined glove before we could leave, but I'd sat around long enough waiting for his half-drunk ass, so I threw him over my shoulder, flung him into the back of my hummer, and off we went.
We ended up at the Viper Room. Obviously we got in for free and even got to skip the line, since Mikey and I are huge celebrities!
As soon as we got in, I hit the bar and Michael hit the dance floor. Man, you should have seen his moves! He was moon walking all over the place and doing that thing where my feet stick to the floor and I lean over. Too bad for him that the trannys were the only ones paying attention to him! All the REAL women like Angela Lansbury and Susan Sarandon were too busy trying to grab my butt and buy me drinks by the bar.
By about halfway to closing time, Mikey and I were well wasted; I'd lost count of how many times I'd had to drain my main vein in the little boys room. That's when things started to go wrong!
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Jacko's bitch ex wife, Debbie Rowe, on the other side of the bar. I'm still mad at her, for trying to gain custody of two of his children, after she heard rumors about him and the false child molestation charges. She was there with that asshole, David Hasselhoff, of Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical fame.
Now David and Michael have come to blows before, but this time, I was there to protect him. This time he had nothing to fear.
"Be cool," I whispered to Jacko; "I've got your back."
David started making his way over to our side of the bar. Mikey and I quickly downed out tequilas and stood up to face him.
Before David even had a chance to speak - CRASH - I smacked him over the head with the barstool - THWAK - sequined glove to the groin - BAM - David was down like the little girly man he is.
Debbie looked on in horror, but Michael just grabbed his crotch and gave her a rhinestone middle finger. Who's bad? That's right, we're bad, bitch!
Bouncers advancing on us, we made our way quickly to the exit. We jumped into the hummer and made our getaway!
We were almost in the clear, but then I got pulled over in Brooklyn for speeding in a school zone! Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have listened to Michael when he suggested that detour!
But, then I remembered as the cop walked towards us, hey, we're celebrities! Why, the police didn't even breathalize us, not even after Jacko threw up on the one officer's shoes and tried to grab his baton.
Michael and I made it back to my place and continued to party! 36 beers, 17 wine coolers, 8 bottles of tequila, some Alyssa Milano porn (I'M NOT ASHAMED, DAMNIT) and 26 prank phone calls to David Schwimmer's house (Mikey's idea) later, we decided to call it a night.
Being rich and famous sure does kick ass!
Until next time Uber boys and girls, I love you all!
Your friend and The Boss,
Big Tony
P.S. I did NOT say "Fat" Tony. I said BIG Tony. That alter is such a ripoff artist!
P.P.S. Pay no attention to Michael's version of this story. He was way too drunk and doesn't remember it in the vivid detail that I do.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-16 15:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-15 16:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 nipple
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
---------------------
I'll give you two hints. His name starts with an "M" and his mother is a whore.
--
Pound for pound I get more laughs out of Quint's one-liners than out of any other attempts at humor on uber.
So he's sort of the Anti-Shlong.
---------------------
How do you know that I'm not Shlongy? Or Method for that matter?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-15 12:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a solid +2 if you'd voicewhored the entire thing as Tony Danza.
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 nipple
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
---------------------
I'll give you two hints. His name starts with an "M" and his mother is a whore.
============================
MUDWHISTLE'S MOM IS NOT A WHORE
whores don't give it away for free.
Submitted by ShonkyAdonis (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wasn't great, but it definitely made me smile.
Then again, who doesn't laugh at Tony Danza?
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Or was it too? I think I've failed at life more so than you Danza.
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to even.
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm way to wishy washy today.
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Posted my msg than saw the pic. You still suck but here you go.
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was so fucking bad. I couldn't even find a line that would make this -1 worthy.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-14 21:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 nipple
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
---------------------
I'll give you two hints. His name starts with an "M" and his mother is a whore.
---------------------
I fuckin love this guy
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-11-14 21:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Die.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-14 21:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway, but looking at them just
makes me puke. . .
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack; Shlongy is thinking about stealing Quint's schtick.
I have more Uber penache than he does. I think Shlongy could pull it off.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 nipple
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
---------------------
I'll give you two hints. His name starts with an "M" and his mother is a whore.
--
Pound for pound I get more laughs out of Quint's one-liners than out of any other attempts at humor on uber.
So he's sort of the Anti-Shlong.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The fact that AM's mujambos are implants doesn't faze anyone? Don't give me that "If they exist, they're real" crap...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Buahahahahahahahahaha
Quint's schtick never grows old.
I wish SHLONGY came up with that character.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 nipple
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
---------------------
I'll give you two hints. His name starts with an "M" and his mother is a whore.
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Beeb, I will pay you your money when you give me back those naked pictures of me with your sister. They weren't hurting anyone, were they?
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
-------------------------------
I made the account a few years ago during Jacko's trial, had trouble getting it verified, and forgot all about it until yesterday when Michael e-mailed me and showed me some of the funny stories that were submitted recently. Now that I'm in an unsuccessful Broadway show, I have PLENTY of time to surf the internet from my home in New York. True story.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERES MA MONEY BITCH!!!
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Came back again to give another +2 to the pic of Alyssa Milano. One of my first boner memories as a teen male.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to suck on her nipple with the shirt on.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i would like to do naughty things with her.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I won't CT
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 nipple
who makes an alter then keeps it in reserve for two years!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahahahaha...I remember when Michael did this story. Nice twist, whoever you are (we ALL know you're an alter, don't play dumb, but don't fuck this one up).
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 16:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry it's taken me so long to post. Life on Broadway is a demanding, bitchy mistress.