Bob's Curse (Part 1) (578 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.41 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ChaosJester (View user info) at 2007-11-15 07:46:26 EST
The Return of Bob: http://www.ubersite.com/m/112970
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Hey, funny hat man. You hot?
Bob just think you look droopy. This IS desert, after all. Bob thought you get used to heat by now.
You know, Bob getting laid by Big Bertha in brothel last night when he has curious thought. Well, first thought that Big Bertha needs to cut back on eight-course dinners. But then Bob thinks that Bob tells you many stories over the months, yet Bob doesn't even know your name.
What? That really what father call you when you born?
Oh. That explain it. No self-respecting father would call son that. Name sounds like something foolish woman thinks is romantic and dashing. Really just gay.
Don't get angry funny hat man, it not your fault mother give you dumb name.
...
Okay, okay. Calm down. Bob sorry he say your name gay. Is not gay at all. Anyway, you want to hear story now?
All right, story begin...
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So, after Bob, Snort and Thunder leave haunted forest, many days pass uneventfully. We wander around, catch dinner, make camp, sleep. Is nice to see new things again, but boring. Snort plays game with Thunder: while horse sleep, Snort creep over and puff hot air on hooves. Eventually, Thunder wake up and run in circles while hooves smoke. Snort rolls on ground with laughter until Thunder kick him in head one night and knock young dragon out. Snort not like to play game after that.
One day, Bob and Friends walk through pleasant field of wild wheat. Sun shines, wind blows. Is good day and everyone enjoying being outside. Suddenly, hear woman scream. Snort perk up head at prospect of excitement, then galumph off in direction of sound. Bob and Thunder follow.
Soon, Bob see what cause woman to scream. Sees cluster of thirty-or-so dirty villagers surrounding large pile of wood. On top of wood, elf woman tied to pole. Wood pile starts to smoke and villagers dance about in religious ecstasy; scream things like "Burn the Witch" and "Death to Wicked Elves". Much hand waving and hair tearing.
Snort pauses short distance away and looks at Bob. Villagers so concerned with elf-burning that they do not even notice dragon. Bob thinks for minute, then notices that elf woman pretty good looking. Thinks maybe elf woman be grateful to Bob for saving her. Also, Bob acutely conscious of how long it's been since anything female lets Bob make Happy Fun Time with her. Bob thinks all this, then tells Snort to rescue elf lady.
Snort puffs self up, unfurls great wings, then streaks through astonished crowd, squalling baby dragon war-cry. Villagers disappear shortly afterwards, and Snort snaps pole that elf woman is tied to off. Trusty friend brings woman, still tied to pole, back to Bob. Bob notices that elf-woman cursing angrily instead of screaming now. Is good; anger means that woman not too badly burned, just scared. Snort plants pole in ground next to Bob, then sits next to her, panting happily like dog. Bob takes moment to appreciate how pretty elf woman looks whist tied up. Yum.
In case you never see elf, allow Bob to describe. Elf people really short and wispy, with light blond hair and long, pointed ears. Pupils slit vertically, like cat, and skin white like goat milk. Elf lady have violet eyes and high cheekbones; very pretty. Unfortunately, elf women have breasts like young boy, i.e. none to speak of. Still, Bob prepared to overlook major flaw; it been looooooong time. Bob waits for few minutes while elf finishes cursing. Takes longer than thought; Bob impressed with elf lady's repertoire of insults. Soon though, pretty lady splutters to stop and looks at Bob expectantly.
"Well, stupid Man" elf says, eyes flashing, "whatever you're planning on doing to me, make it fast; I'm on a schedule."
Bob cocks head to side. "Schedule to get burned to crisp?"
"No, you enormous jackass. Those idiotic simpletons who had me tied up BBQ-style thought I was trying to 'hex their crops' or some such gibberish. Assholes. All I wanted was to buy some food to replenish my supplies. I've been traveling a long time and this was the first sign of quasi-civilization I'd encountered in a while."
Bob becoming disappointed; elf woman starting to sound like Queen Bitch and Bob knows from prior experience that Queen Bitches don't usually like getting laid unless they already holding Man's balls in palm of hand. Bob sighs, then walks over to elf woman and cuts her free.
Elf woman rubs hands to restore circulation, kicks pole viscously, then looks at Bob. "So," she says with one raised eyebrow, "what's next, sheep-fucker?"
Bob purses lips and glares at elf woman. "Nothing next, Queen Bitch. Bob thinks you irritate him and probably more trouble than worth, so he takes friends and leaves while he can. Good luck with schedule." Bob turns to go.
"Bob, huh?" Queen Bitch starting to sound speculative, so Bob starts to walk faster; Bob wants nothing to do with elf machinations. "Wait, Bob," Elf woman says, "I've got a proposition for you." Bob not stop; Bob thinking only of putting as much space between him and elf woman as possible.
"All right, jerk-off. You asked for it." Elf woman chants something that makes Bob's ears curl and Snort starts sneezing violently. Bob feels magic swirl inside his guts and knows that something Unfortunate has just happened. Bob stops, then walks back to elf woman, who looks smug.
"What have you done to Bob, Queen Bitch?"
"First off," elf woman says haughtily, "my name is Trishimynxta'lithanita, but I know that Men are too stupid to remember it. Call me Trisha. Next, I've cursed you with impotence. Either you help me or that sad little finger of flesh you've got betwixt your legs will become as purely ornamental as the three brain cells you've got bouncing around your cavernous skull for the rest of your short, mortal existence."
Bob is not happy right then. Bob flexes hands and begins breathing hard. "Bob thinks that maybe curse will be lifted if Bob simply squishes little elf."
Trisha shrugs shoulders. "Could be, but are you willing to be celibate for the rest of your life if you're wrong?"
Bob slumps, defeated. "No." Snort licks hand in consolation.
"Good," Trisha says, smiling. "Now then, shall we go?"
Bob sighs. "Go where? What you want Bob to do?"
"Oh, right. I forgot. I need you to kill my husband."
Bob not surprised by this. Elf woman seems like sort of person who goes through men like Snort goes through goats. When Bob only nods, elf woman becomes agitated.
"Wait. Don't you want to know why I need my husband dead?"
Bob shakes head. "Doesn't matter. Maybe husband sleeps with other, more agreeable elf woman. Maybe Queen Bitch needs money and has large Life Insurance Policy on husband. Bob not care as long as Queen Bitch give Bob's balls back once job is done."
"I told you to use my name, Bob. And I am NOT a Queen Bitch!" To Bob's surprise, elf woman starts to cry. "He...he took my only son and my thrice-damned Father won't do a damned thing about it!"
Bob does not like to see women cry. Dramatic wailing is fine; just means that woman is enjoying self but doesn't want everyone to think so. Silent tears not good. Snort doesn't think so either. Young dragon gives Bob reproachful look, then slinks over to elf woman and curls around her comfortingly. Bob a little jealous at this; Snort never does that to anyone but Bob.
Trisha wraps arms around Snort's neck and softly sobs on smooth scales. Bob feels awkward. After few moments, elf woman dries tears and stands up. "That's a good friend you have there, Bob. She's very kind."
Bob nods. "Yes, Bob thinks tha—wait. Snort is Boy dragon, not Girl dragon."
Elf woman laughs. "You mean you didn't know? Well, isn't that interesting. No, my bulky new acquaintance, your ward is most definitely female."
Bob looks at Snort. Snort looks back at Bob.
"Oh, she doesn't really understand the difference herself, right now. She's barely more than an infant, after all. Still, she'll figure it out soon enough and then you'll have quite the handful to deal with, indeed." Trisha chuckles quietly.
Bob rubs bridge of nose. "Fine. Bob burns that bridge when he comes to it. Anyway, why, exactly, do you want husband dead?"
Elf woman gives Bob strange look. "Are you simple? I just said that he took my son away. I need you to kill him so that I can get him back."
Bob rolls eyes. "Bob understands that part. What Bob meant was 'why' husband stole son? Among Bob's Tribe, mother raises son until boy is ten summers old, then father teaches son how to hunt, fight and be a Man. If elf father is just doing this, Bob thinks Trisha stupid for wanting him dead."
Trisha sighs, sits on ground. "Well, if you want the whole story, you should probably get comfortable." After Bob sits down and leans against Snort, elf woman continues. "My father is the King of my own Tribe. While my Grandfather was a wise and good ruler, my 'dear' father is not. Shortly after he was crowned, a representative of a neighboring Tribe that happens to be our bitterest of enemies came to his court to propose an alliance.
'The agreement was simple enough: our two peoples were to cease hostilities. To symbolize this pact, I was to be married to the King of the other Tribe. I wasn't particularly dismayed by this; after all, it is the way of royalty to marry for political gain. Still, as I learned shortly after being married, my 'husband' was an exceptionally cruel bastard. I suffered many, many indignities while enjoying his hospitality until a few years later, I managed to become pregnant.
'Once my husband found out that a child was coming, everything changed. I was well cared for and began to be treated like a human being again. Unfortunately, after my son was born, I realized what my husband's plan had been all along. The day after Cyric came into this world, Diego, the slimy fuck, threw me out of his house with a message for my father: the two Tribes were friends no longer, and if my father dared to strike at him, Cyric would be sent back home in pieces.
'I crawled back to my father's court and told him what happened. After thinking about the situation for all of five minutes, he decided to take no action against Diego. When I called him a coward and vowed to go back and rescue my son, alone if need be, he banished me from his lands, magically binding me so that I could never set foot in my home again.
'For the last few months, I've been skirting around my ancestral lands to get back to Diego's Kingdom. Once I get there, I'm going to take back my son and claim the rat-bastard's testicles as my own. And now, you're going to help me."
Bob nods in appreciation. "That good story. Bob doesn't think he will mind holding this Diego down while you slice off his giggle-berries. But," Bob said shortly afterward, "You do promise to lift the curse once your son is free, yes?"
"Oh, of course."
All right, then," Bob says. "Let's go then."
As Bob and Trisha mount Thunder and begin traveling, Bob look back at elf woman. "And it NOT 'finger of flesh'. It Oliphant trunk holding apple. Just so elf woman knows."
"Whatever, Tiny."
User Reviews
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-11-16 23:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not cursed.
fuck off.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-16 23:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehheh...
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-16 15:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-16 04:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-15 16:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
had to print it,
read it on the shitter
heard someone laughing in there later
I'll have her sign on and +2 ya too
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And Bob's already committed Regicide, even before he had a dragon.
Whatever happens you can be sure that Bob will TOTALLY ruin somebodies shit.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Brdn_Nkd made me smile.
As for the whole 'furry' bit (or is it 'scaly' in this context?), well, who knows what the stars foretell...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Barry read this tale too. Barry think same as circe and add that chaos set lofty goal for chaos. Barry referring to dumb barbarian who supposed to commit regicide. Barry hope future installment include raunchy scene of interspecies relations. Readers of Survivor series compelled barry to write scene like that when barry wrote it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can certainly bet your dick that I didn't read any of that.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82593
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmm...
Good point.
*rethinks writing style*
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I understand that, CJ.. the affectation part of it.. but it's simply that direct quotes often don't work with a first person story-teller style narrative.. at least not in a short piece like this, where you don't have time to forget that it's being TOLD to you by a specific person.
**any advice rendered by circe or her subsidiaries is given on the assumed understanding that shes an idiot who has no clue what she's talking about half the time**
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad you like Bob, Circe, but the tonal shifts are actually intentional. Bob is a *lot* more sophisticated that he likes to pretend and his narrative style is more of an affectation than not.
Also, it's hard as hell for me to write like a cro-magnon so I sometimes just get careless. I'll de better next time.
:)
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Argh!
I was a bit rushed at the end, so I didn't proofread as much as I usually do. Those too-close-together "thens" are *really* grating on my nerves right now...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read all the Bob stories.
I really, really enjoyed them.
One tiny little thing... This story is being narrated, and I really like Bob's voice. But when the elf princess is talking, she's quoted in full and she speaks very differently from Bob. I'm not sure Bob would remember every single word she said as precisely as that.
Maybe try "Elf bitch tell Bob about wicked father and evil husband, and then she say something Bob never forget, because it so strange coming from pretty elf mouth: 'Once I get there, I'm going to take back my son and claim the rat-bastard's testicles as my own.' It sound pretty when she say it, though."
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-15 08:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i give you +2s from here on out do you promise never to post another gay thing on this site again?
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You've got a better shot of asking the sun to set in the East.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-15 08:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i give you +2s from here on out do you promise never to post another gay thing on this site again?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-15 08:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Emo Boy!