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Submitted by orph (View user info) at 2007-11-15 08:49:54 EST
I used to go down to the stray dogs home on the weekends. I'd run in, flustered and out of breath, crying and asking whether anyone had seen my dog. Once the friendly, caring people there had calmed me down, and wiped away my tears, they'd lead me out back to the kennels.
I'd peruse the howling and scurrying canines with a watchful eye, and eventually pick out a cute lovable ball of fluff and vigour and claim him for my own. After hugging him, rolling on the ground and rubbing his belly, I'd stand up straight and demand that they put him down immediately, explaining that I'd already given away all his toys and things, and didn't like to leave loose ends lying around.
I could only really get away with at once or twice a month, before the staff would chase me out, screaming obscenities as I scampered down the street.
Animal lovers have no sense of humour.
It was some time after this that I was strangely excited to discover how awesome I was. I'd walk around doing awesome things, seeing awesome stuff, and meeting awesome people. Of course, awesomeness is a relative quality, and not many shared my own sense of what, or what did not constitute the labelling of awesome.
I once met this guy who was fairly cool, and he'd let me kick the snot out of him on a regular basis. I used to give him a real walloping, and once even smashed his nose flat across his grizzled old face. But he always demanded we have a drink afterwards, and then try and convince me he really was my long lost father, and that the beatings helped him heal the pain that he felt since abandoning me and my mum.
I never had the heart to tell him that I lived with both my parents, never visited, let alone lived near Bristol, and that my name wasn't Tommy.
Twice, no I think it was actually three times, I'd helped the woman who owns the off-licence close up on an early Sunday morning, and twice, no it really was three times, I'd crack her across the back of the head with a wooden mallet. I'd then have my way with her, rob the till and as much booze as I could carry, and haul it all back to my place. I then used to run back, give my self a few scratches and cuts, and lay down amongst some broken glass.
The third time I realised the old bag was getting off on it, and had moaned a little too loudly - dirty cow. I never offered to help after that.
My colours are all starting to run together. I have a lot of green nowadays, not so many clear blues or reds as I used to. I should maybe get my glasses fixed, but vision costs money, and since I stopped working at the store, money is short. I suppose you could say I was vibrating within a state of flux. Or you could say I was a no hope loser without a future and not much direction. Again, like awesomeness, it's all degrees of relativity.
I'd thought of going to gaol for a while, but realised it probably wasn't for me. You can't really leave when you want, and after the initial excitement, it probably would have gotten quite lame. Although, to live at the bequest of Her Majesty has a certain ring to it, so it won't be completely wiped off my list of awesome things yet to do, but it will only be done under my terms.
I used to ask Annie constantly if she was OK; like as soon as I saw her, then every thirty seconds afterwards, and I'd couple it with a little dance. You can imagine my disappointment when that black and white guy made a song about it. But from then on, I got her to refer to me as a smooth criminal, and then I'd kick her in the head.
Space pirates are pretty awesome.
God spoke to me the other day, and everything made sense. Although I couldn't understand a word he was saying, everything clicked together, and I and the universe were one. I'm sure it was God, but it could have been the noise a pneumatic drill makes at six in the morning, as it cuts up the road outside my house? Regardless, it was divine, and I saw rainbows and stars and a bright light blur.
It's also strange that the guy who sings down at the local jazz club is not more popular than he is. He's there every night, warbling away as he picks at his metal-stringed guitar, singing about all the women that have left him, the men that have cheated him, and the money he's lost. The more I think about it, the more it is a shame that he's not a big star. But then again, he is a terrible singer.
I created a save point behind the traffic lights, right next to the park. Whenever I fuck anything up, and need to have another go at it, I just reload, and I'm dropped next to the lights. They're always green, and I can walk across the street.
Just like that.
There, I did it again.
When I finally went home, everything was dark. The lights were off, that's why everything was dark. I turned them on, and off, then on again. I always do that. The room was strewn with feathers, and a large green lizard sat in the middle, chewing my brother' arm, digesting, what I assume, was the rest of him.
I turned the lights back off. Then I flicked them on again.
Just some guy with a sword, slashing at the thick upholstery drapes that cloaked the window. He looked at me, and I looked back at him.
Then, he spoke, "I've completed my review of the functional spec. Many of the comments relate to changes from the most recent round of workshops in Coventry (where some changes to the Business Process were identified). I hope the project issues can be resolved soon and we can press ahead."
I just turned the light off again - I hate being bothered by work when I'm at home.
One more flick before I go to bed - boring, just the front room of my house, with my parents sitting comfortably by the fire place, reading and chatting as I smelt dinner cooking in the kitchen.
Nothing a lizard and a man with a sword can't fix.
The more I think about it, the more awesome space pirates are. They are just rocketing up the awesome charts at the moment.
And maybe elephants.
![surreal_hand[1].jpg (54 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/119513459479002274/1/surreal_hand[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by BokTiet (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Aren't you a cunt for sore eyes. You inbred mother fucking piece of shit. How about you go lick ass instead of posting shit like this!!!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-16 23:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really can't imagine a word that would adequately describe how much I love this.
"God spoke to me the other day, and everything made sense. Although I couldn't understand a word he was saying, everything clicked together, and I and the universe were one."
And yes, you're definately awesome.
1.5 billion shades of awesome
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-16 15:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-11-16 10:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-16 05:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Until this post I though MJ was asking Eddie if he was OK.
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-16 04:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a nut job.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-16 00:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wonder that there is another keyboard under this one and that the order of characters on the lower keyboard is different and that, as a result, everything i write on the internet is mindless gibberish or, optimistically, amazing profound prose that i am not aware of.
Submitted by ksj3888 (user info) at 2007-11-15 23:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy...
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-11-15 23:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-15 16:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-15 12:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unwell (user info) at 2007-11-15 11:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was awesome.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Class A work here. I'd rim you if you were close enough.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, Poor Little Orphan Ben, this was great and all but best leave the crack pipe at home less this becomes a habit eh?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If God had a pet lizard, I might consider religion as a viable option.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-15 08:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice words and pictures