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Submitted by Danger_Ranger (View user info) at 2007-11-15 09:03:52 EST
I/we, buried my mother on the 25th of July, 2007, around 3 o'clock.
She was gone, disappeared in her hearse. Dad had been very forthright, "I lost it at Aunty Nao's burial, I'm not doing it this time." (Nao was his sister, short for Naomi and she'd died suddenly during a routine check-up for her/their hereditary heart condition - we're all adopted so it's cool, no offence Dad). "I was fine up until the grave" he continued, "I've lost it at my mothers' and at so many others, I'm fine right up until then, at the service and shaking hands, but I just can't take the graveside."
So we watched Mum disappear around the corner, I stood next to Dad, my boys broke away from their mother and sidled up to me, I touched Dad on the elbow in a non-gay way, and my kids flicked glances at me like perfectly normal heterosexuals.
Three generations, resplendent in armani suits and appropriate childrens' funeral attire.
Her birthday was only three days ago - the thirteenth. On the fourteenth a year ago, she rang and said "d_r that biopsy? Well it's malignant but we'll get through it."
At Christmas, we were all conspicuous in our presence. Christmas, birthdays, mothers'day/fathers' day had always been a logistical nightmare - for the siblings, we're kind of dispersed.
But last christmas we were all there. I walked in, shook Dads' hand (Dad always profers his hand - old school), then watched Mum use every 'skerrick' of energy to push herself up from the divan in the family room, for the boys' sake.
She was ghostly white, I had only seen her a few weeks before, and I'm sure my reaction belied my smile.
"hey mum..."
"Hey d_r, hello boys, merry christmas.." kiss kiss.
"Hi Gran, where's our presents?"
jesus.
So we ate, laughed about stuff and everyone of us, kept looking at Mum on the divan and begged her to eat something.
Dad rang me late June and said Mum's going back into hospital..she won't be coming out.
I took the boys up the next weekend, we visited her on the Saturday, she was all smiles and hello boys, they were a bit wtf is going on and even more wtf is going on as we trudged off to the elevator.
The carpark was a nightmare.
"Is Gran going to die Dad?"
There were tears and lots of uncomprehending anger on their part, it was awkward and extraordinarily unfair for them. We made it into the car and I angled the rear-vision mirror before reversing.
"Noah - Dad's upset too." dumb, selfish, horribly inappropriate, but you had to be there.
"I'm sorry Dad, it's *not* fair, I don't want Gran to go."
this is hard to type.
I kept switching the mirror from Noah to Calum, apologised for not being upfront earlier/said gran's going to heaven/it's cool to cry/but be brave for Poppy because Poppy's being brave/and i'm really sorry I wasn't more upfront.
'heaven'.
shrugs.
Their mother and I are basically atheists - one thing we actually agreed on. weighing up garden of eden on one hand and the big bang theory on the other. what. fucking. ever - sue us.
My mum had a profound faith, which strangely made it easier. Noah, bless his heart, is all arts and crafts. Give the kid a pipe streamer and a glue stick, and you've got instant mcgyver. He's obsessive. I have a filing cabinet with printer paper in the second drawer, if I had a dollar for everytime I've yelled "IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE PAPER CAN YOU CLOSE THE FREAKING DRAWER."
Walk into the kids room, and Noah has hand-drawn pictures of pokemon taped all over the underside of his bunkbed (one of those things with a desktop built in under it).
"i'm not necessarily certain i was the last kid in your filing cabinet dad.."
[glued on pipe cleaner whiskers drop off freshly drawn pokemon...]
"erm okay."
Noah came home one day, and announced he was quite keen on church.
The ex rang me - perplexed and worried, "Noah wants to go to church, wtf?"
"liek omg...."
"I KNOW. Where the FUCK did he get THAT from!???"
:( "maybe arts and crafts?"
"jesus you're RIGHT. He's gone all pipe streamer on us."
So some flanders kiddie has got in his ear and said "well you know noah, at sunday school we make stuff."
"You're taking him" I said.
"I CAN'T GO TO CHURCH I'M.......i'm.......i'm...."
"satan?"
"NO I'M BUSY."
"sleeping in?"
Luckily for us the flanders kid mentioned a sermon, and made it sound like school. pretty fucking close call though. At christmas when Mum was sick, her sister Nancy dropped in. Noah was all hey Gran can you/we make pom-poms? You know those things that sit on top of spooners' beanie?" (Ducky is adamant north americans call beanies touques or something - pronounced 'talk'. Fucking hell that's pretty dumb. talk? 'There's a talk on my head. Do not talk to my hand, talk to my talk, besides my hand is wearing a speak. all your talks are belong to us. good grief.)
Anyway Nancy says hey Noah, let Gran rest for a bit, I'll make the most brilliant pom-pom you've ever seen, nearly as good as the ones Gran makes...
Today is/was the 15th of November, one day - a year later from finding out my mum was sick. I rang my dad, "So how did it go?"
"It's good and it's bad. Pancreas, kidneys and lungs are clear, but this c-919 or c911 (or whatever the fuck it's called, ttom could probably explain it), when I was first tested I had a count of 300 and the oncologist told me today a week later it was 400, well now it's like 800, but I feel pretty good and even went for a surf today."
I've received three calls from my brother tonight, who is my best friend, and have ignored every single one of them, because I'm afraid of what he's going to say.
This started out as an eighty force post apollo, 'eighty force versus liverpool fc and on top of that the impossibly unwieldy transforming machine', next time maybe.
grimace.mp3 (3 MB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-27 20:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that's fucking bollocks.
so people can't write about personal interpretations of experience? Who the fuck are you to tell us what we can and can't write about?
---
im not 'telling' him anything. im questioning his decision to write about it, and whether it is fair to both his family, and the deceased themselves to have their lives splayed out, as it were, for the reading pleasure of a bunch of random strangers. (who have shown more than once in the past to be more than capable of misusing information of a personal nature to fuck with peoples lives 'irl' - by the way) he, you and all the rob bergs of the world can write whatever the fuck you like. im not losing any sleep over it. however, i also have just as valid a case to ask whether the decision to do so is wise, and properly motivated.
youll note in my response i raised the point, then moved on to some criticism of a literary nature, which was just as long and more detailed and had much more time spent thinking about it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-26 12:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-15 21:41:22 CST (#)
Ranking: 1
without the fuckaround pisstaking i spend on berg, i just find this sort of post in bad taste. would your mother liked to have had her experience paraded to randoms on the internet? even if she wouldnt have minded, does she deserve it regardless? i mean the personal touch makes for interesting reading, i suppose; but really, its not personal, its you being personal about other peoples (your family's) personal life, and not just your own.
aside from that, it could do with a re-do. the bit with the ex could do with dropping the internetisms, and use actual dialogue - it would be much funnier (as the last couple of acidic lines to her were). further, the actual tragedy of your mothers loss kind of gets lost in trivia. the bit about your kid was too distracting. id probably alos lose the 'this is tough to type' line - make the story itself say that. so theres my criticism.
beyond that, if this is in fact biography, i am genuinely sorry for your loss. i almost lost mine a year or so ago. while i cant empathise, i can imagine.
that's fucking bollocks.
so people can't write about personal interpretations of experience? Who the fuck are you to tell us what we can and can't write about?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-21 20:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
D_R this was fucking shit-hot, mate.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-11-17 22:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks to you, i did more for my 94yr mum today than i have in months
she can still move around on her own which amazes me
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-17 01:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In my opinion, there is nothing about this post that is 'in bad taste' in the least. There is very little I have less tolerance for than when someone who has not experienced something opines about someone who has experienced it, and how they 'should' react to that experience. Sharing your thoughts at will, and devoid of censorship, is an important part of dealing with any emotional situation- especially when the rest of the time you may feel the need to censor yourself for the sake of your children. If catharsis can be found on a forum, so be it.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-16 22:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-16 15:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by bruzwuld (user info) at 2007-11-16 14:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-16 10:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotcha, D_R. I'm glad you're not offended by *him*. At any rate, sorry about yer ma.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-16 08:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
nearly lost* yours iddqd - good fucking grief. 'beer'.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-16 06:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, and one more thing. Hadley?
AFC North:
1. Shitsburgh
2. play-off bound Browns
3. art modell
4. bengirls
You ever had a dog called Cincinnati hadley? No. I didn't think so. Don't mock my passion you meat pocket, not from down there at 3 and 6, especially with your gay rowr we're all nasty tigers strip.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-16 06:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
for what it's worth I'm not offended in the least by iddqd. His critique was pretty much spot on, and void of malice. I typed what I was feeling, on the fly. It *is* all over the shop, I don't think my father would be offended, and if my kids read this in 20 years time I'm pretty sure they'll just think well now we're older we can see how that carpark scene must of really sucked. I'd had a shit day and wrote what I was feeling. It was about my dad and circumstances, not my mum. I've posted about her before. And Sam I'm relieved you only nearly yours. Well done her and you and yours.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-16 04:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cant imagine what this is like, I hope your memories are sweet.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-11-16 04:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-16 03:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and you log in to garner pity and push your pathetic lip-service armchair activism attitude. not to mention lap at the testes of every possible individual who will pay you the slightest bit of attention.
but it looks like you might be able to make another friend here, thanks to me, so i cant be all bad.
is it time for you to 'retire' once more? how long did you hold out this last time, 2 weeks?
well done.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
iddqdqddqddqdd:
Cynicism is usually pretty funny to me, but seriously, do you always have to be that way? I would like to apologize on D_R's behalf for not tailoring the details of his mother's tragic death to your discerning sensibilities.
---
Yup.
He's a petty, miserable, obnoxious human being who enjoys logging into this degenerate little website as 'iddqd' to eagerly prove just how cuntish he can be.
See, I figure he has a damaged soul - and that is a pain far more devastating than any he can inflict with his sour words and detached arrogance.
I would pity him - but I firmly believe he deserves it.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cynicism is usually pretty funny to me, but seriously, do you always have to be that way? I would like to apologize on D_R's behalf for not tailoring the details of his mother's tragic death to your discerning sensibilities.
---
to begin with, my response was not cynical. further, i did not ask him to tailor the details of his mothers death, i questioned the motives and the... correctness (for lack of a better word) of writing about it in this forum (in the general sense). next, i gave valid criticism about the writing and nothing else in the second paragraph. finally, i offered sincere condolences.
but here i am explaining myself to what appears to be a woman, or at least female. what a fool i am.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for sharing. My thoughts are with you and your family.
It. just. sucks.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mother has cancer too. Lame.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-16 01:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
iddqdqddqddqdd:
Cynicism is usually pretty funny to me, but seriously, do you always have to be that way? I would like to apologize on D_R's behalf for not tailoring the details of his mother's tragic death to your discerning sensibilities.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 00:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really sorry to hear that hoss. Death sucks. I really loved my first wife and when she died I was devestated. I don't think I could endure that again.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-15 22:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
without the fuckaround pisstaking i spend on berg, i just find this sort of post in bad taste. would your mother liked to have had her experience paraded to randoms on the internet? even if she wouldnt have minded, does she deserve it regardless? i mean the personal touch makes for interesting reading, i suppose; but really, its not personal, its you being personal about other peoples (your family's) personal life, and not just your own.
aside from that, it could do with a re-do. the bit with the ex could do with dropping the internetisms, and use actual dialogue - it would be much funnier (as the last couple of acidic lines to her were). further, the actual tragedy of your mothers loss kind of gets lost in trivia. the bit about your kid was too distracting. id probably alos lose the 'this is tough to type' line - make the story itself say that. so theres my criticism.
beyond that, if this is in fact biography, i am genuinely sorry for your loss. i almost lost mine a year or so ago. while i cant empathise, i can imagine.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-15 16:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-11-15 14:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's pronounced 'tewk' ranger, with a bit more of an oo sound...not 'talk'.
I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now.
damn canadians
sorry man
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-15 16:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, this was splending first run of the 'emotion chip' we had installed, obviously some kinks need to be worked out of the software, dial down the 'cheese' a little bit, and we may have a good prototype to roll out to the other robots.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-11-15 16:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry man
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-11-15 15:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was unnecessarily nasty about my ex here. Old witchy-poo was fantastic when Mum was sick, it was for 'comic' relief only. Thanks folks for your kind words. manic you can let go now.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-15 15:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you should beat up FALLEN. he said 'I'm sorry' which, obviously, means that he is responsible for everything.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-15 15:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
peace brother, peace.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-11-15 14:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<hug>
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-11-15 14:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's pronounced 'tewk' ranger, with a bit more of an oo sound...not 'talk'.
I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
sorry.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peace
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-11-15 12:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aye
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-11-15 11:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-11-15 11:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It could be worse, bro. You could be a Browns fan.
Oh wait...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kris Kristofferson once said of John Prine: There's more meaning in one line of a John Prine song than in the entire catalogs of other musicians. (Paraphrased)
I feel the same about some of your posts.
===
Great quote, and what a wonderful use you made of it, lf.
I also find this to be true about some of your posts, d_r.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry man.
your kids sound great.
ex can't take them to church cos she's satan...
that's impossible, cos i married satan.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-15 10:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hi Gran, where's our presents?"
jesus.
-------
children are so simple.
i hope somehow you see things their way at some point.
i'm sorry.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny ol' thing death. I think being around the dying is the worst bit, I mean what on earth are you supposed to say? It's so awkward.
...
Heavy. My thoughts, such as they are, are with you.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kris Kristofferson once said of John Prine: There's more meaning in one line of a John Prine song than in the entire catalogs of other musicians. (Paraphrased)
I feel the same about some of your posts.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been thinking about you lately, D_R.
Watching my mom suffer for so long, and then losing her, was an unbearable, life-changing thing. But having to explain it to your children, and support them through it while you're grieving yourself, takes strength I'm not sure I wouldd have had at the time.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post would have stood on its own without the attachment. Damn dude.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this bit was brilliant
"I CAN'T GO TO CHURCH I'M.......i'm.......i'm...."
"satan?"
----
we're atheist I guess but man, religion or faith certainly makes it easier to explain it to kiddies doesn't it?
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My thoughts are with you.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-15 09:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry, love.