The Shatner/West Incident (1334 hits)
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Rating: 1.86 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-11-16 16:48:08 EST
(Have a good weekend, everyone.)
The Shatner/Sagan Incident http://www.ubersite.com/m/109488
The Po Po'aono Room, Los Angeles, California
December, 1969
William Shatner was getting a buzz on and feeling pretty tipsy from the glowing blue crap he was drinking (and trying to ignore the fact that the glowing blue crap was reminding him of all the weird outer space crap they would eat and drink on The Show and the fact that he had gotten fired from The Show after The Show was cancelled a few months back) when the front door to the bar opened wide, letting in a gust of damp, chilly air.
The reason he often slipped inside this tiki bar near the corner of Santa Monica and El Centro (he'd begun sneaking in here back when he was shooting The Show on the Paramount lot not far away) was that no one knew him here, and no one wanted to know him here. No one wanted to know anyone here. That was the beauty of the place. He could get his knob spit-polished by some anonymous floozy at the end of the bar or argue politics with any of the red-nosed, sallow-faced losers swaying on their barstools or just lose himself in fruity blue and gold and red drinks until the rum in those tall glasses kicked his ass into happyland. Anything was better than trying to face the bitter reality of the fact that The Show was over.
When people came and went, they did it with stealth. No one inside wanted to be seen slipping in, and no one inside wanted to be seen coming out. When people came and went, they opened the door just a crack, and slipped through. Especially on a cold, gusty, rainy night.
"Now that's a downpour," the newcomer said. He was wearing an ascot. Shatner hated ascots. The man took off his hat (his pansy hat, Shatner thought, his jaunty pansy hat, and the only things in this great world that should exhibit any jauntiness are a pair of naked tits and a cock rubbing between them) and then slipped off his dark blue raincoat, whirling it like a cape before hanging it on one of the tiny square wooden tiki heads on the coat rack.
Raindrops slid from the coat and spattered everywhere, gleaming orange dots appearing on the bar in front of Shatner and reflecting light from the fake tiki torches in the place at the same time icy drops splashed against the back of his neck. Shatner tensed up from the shock of the cold.
The newcomer put a hand on Shatner's shoulder and said, "Sorry, chum. How thoughtless of me." The man wiped away the raindrops, his fingers grazing Shatner's razor-shaved neck.
"Whoa, pal," Shatner said, pulling away and turning around. "If you want a lavender joint... I think there's onedownthestreet."
An old guy who smelled like onion skins slid off a stool beside Shatner. He was short and his few remaining teeth clicked together when his feet hit the floor. He wandered off in the direction of the men's room.
The newcomer took his seat.
Shatner looked at his glowing blue drink. He was losing his buzz. I feel... sad, he thought.
"No offense intended, my good fellow," the newcomer said. "Barkeep, a pink panties cocktail, s'il vous plait!"
When the newcomer glanced at Shatner, Shatner said, "Fag?"
The newcomer looked shocked, and unnerved, until Shatner pointed to the half pack of Lucky filters the old man had left behind.
Shatner reached out and grabbed the pack, shaking one free. He lit up and took another sip of his drink. At the end of the bar a blonde with hair like a swirl of butterscotch winked at him. Gunsmoke was playing on the TV over her head. She was wearing a long white sweater against the chilly night and her chest looked like distant snow-covered hills, but Shatner's titty radar started pinging. There's gold in them thar hills, he thought. Shatner smiled and gave the woman a subtle nod, knowing he had positioned himself on his stool so a single bar of light from the mirror behind the bar illuminated his eyes with the flickering orange-yellow light of the fake torches.
The newcomer was watching him in the mirror behind the bar. The bartender set down a drink that looked like it was made out of bubblegum.
"A fan of Marshall Dillon?"
Shatner looked at the newcomer in surprise. "If Arness walked in here right now, I'd clean his clock. Gunsmoke. I've got somethinghecansmoke, all right."
The newcomer gave Shatner a dreamy smile. "James is over six feet tall, friend. Tall dark and handsome, the way the ladies like them. I think you might find yourself reaping the whirlwind if you were to instigate anything—"
"I'vegottapiss," Shatner said, hopping down from his stool.
Shatner paused by the blonde. Her cable-knit sweater covered the tops of her thighs. She was wearing high white boots. Between boots and sweater was nothing but smooth nylon-covered thigh. She was either wearing a miniskirt, or hotpants. Either way, the sweater and boots combo were really getting him charged up. He smiled again, the cigarette dangling from his lips as he slid one hand along a leg as golden smooth as a desert dune sculpted by the wind. She winked at him, and he went into the men's room.
Inside were a sink, a urinal, and a stall with no door. As Shatner passed the stall he saw the legs of the old timer who had been sitting beside him. The old man was passed out on the bowl, snoring away. He flicked the cigarette into urinal. It protested with a tiny hiss.
"Arness..." he said. "That goddamnedsonofabitch." He unzipped in front of the urinal and gave his dick a shake. He was annoyed, and too tense to piss. He hated tall fuckers like Arness, and Nimoy. The fuckers. Thought they were above it all. Well, wait until they got in a scrap with a Montreal Jew who spent his youth fighting gentiles who wanted to beat the crap out of him, then they'd see who's who.
Christ, he missed The Show. He missed it bad. He was still having a hard time facing the fact that he was out of a job.
He gave his dick another shake and burped, tasting rum and blue curacao. He heard the door to the men's room give a little creak and then open very slowly, as someone quietly slipped inside. The blonde took the hint. They always did.
Shatner felt his dick growing in his hand. "The... Amazing... ColossalMan," he whispered.
He turned and waved his half hard pecker, giving it a spin like a party favor. "Whatdoyouthinkofthis, sweetheart?"
The newcomer pinched his lips together. His eyes were huge. He turned and began washing his hands at the sink.
"Thought you were... someoneelse," Shatner said. He turned back to the urinal, waited a moment, and then cursed. Now he couldn't piss because he was as hard as a stone. "God... DAMMIT!"
The newcomer dried his hands on a piece of paper towel. Then he stepped forward and held out his right hand.
"I'm Adam," he said. "Adam West."
West's eyes darted up and down.
Shatner looked over his shoulder. "Areyoufucking kiddingme? GETOUT!"
West gave a little jump and backed out of the room.
Shatner shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He still couldn't piss. He stuffed his semi back into his pants and went back to the bar.
"I know you," West said as Shatner took his seat. "You were on that little space show. Captain Clark, I believe?"
Shatner gripped his drink with both hands, his mouth closed, his jaws making chewing motions. He was going to hit this guy. He was sure of it.
"I was on a show as well," West said. "One of the biggest hits in years. I was Batman. And Bruce Wayne, of course.
"Neverheardofit," Shatner said. That was a lie. He'd watched a few minutes of Batman once, figuring that someone at the studio must have hired some long-haired hippie goofs just to get them off the streets and put them to work —filthy bead-wearing potheads, the lot of them— on that steaming pile of a show. The entire program was like watching someone on a bad acid trip, which could be a good thing if the viewer were on acid as well, but most of the television viewing public didn't want to turn on, tune in and drop out. They just wanted a brief escape from reality. Unlike the free-loving, draft-card-burning young people who got so much attention these days, the average American had to get up for work the next morning. But he had to admit the sight of Julie Newmar in a catsuit and stilettos was something worth seeing.
West looked astonished, then petulant. He hid his face behind his garish drink for a moment.
"Well, Captain Clark," West said in a prissy tone, "I suppose I should ask for your auto—"
"Kirk," Shatner said, whirling to face the man. "Kirk. Kirk. KIRK!"
"Yes," West said. "From the show with the pointy-eared man. As I understand it, the pointy-eared man is quite famous."
Shatner's lips were mashed together and trembling with a sudden skyrocketing rage. GodDAMNit, he thought, Nimoy didn't even like being Spock! I'msofuckingsickofSpock!
"Why don't you carry your littleflowerass out of here," Shatner said. "This is a bar for real men."
"You can't stand the fact that I'm more famous than you," West said, sounding for all the world like a jealous girlfriend. His voice took on a schoolyard singsong quality. "More FAYmous, more FAYmous, the man in the cape is more FAYmous, the man with the ears if more FAYmous, little Captain Clark isn't FAYmous!"
Shatner was getting really pissed. Who the hell did this pansy think he was? This is MY place, Shatner thought. MY refuge!
"I'm obviously... thebiggerstar," Shatner said, trying to keep his cool. "My show lasted longer than yours."
West chuckled. "My show had a considerable roster of lovelies over the years, many of whom were quite enamored of me."
Okay, now Shatner was in home run territory. When it came to bagging ass, he was Hollywood's premier cocksmith. Shatner gave West his patented quiet laugh. "Hahaha. The list of women who came on The Show that I didn't bone? That's... theshortlist. When the ladies came on The Show... theyreallycame. And at least I didn't run around in tights all day, with an adolescent boy in his undershorts."
West leaned back on his bar stool and sneered. "My gut didn't stick out of my tights, little man."
Shatner felt his entire body shake. Everything turned white-hot for a moment, as if the sun had just exploded and set the world on fire. He launched himself off of his stool. "LIES!"
Shatner grabbed West by the throat and both of them tumbled to the floor.
"Aw, come on guys," the bartender said, "Don't ruin my joint."
"Is thatwhatyouwanttodo?" Shatner asked, straddling West and choking the man. "Do you want to ruinmyjoint, nancyboy?"
West twisted and threw Shatner to one side. He shoved Shatner, and stood up.
Christ, Shatner thought as he flopped onto his back, he's strong for a fairy.
West looked down with a little smirk curling the corners of his mouth and raised a foot. When he stepped on Shatner's genitals, Shatner screamed so hard spittle flew from his lips and cords stood out on his neck.
"GET... OFF... MY... SHIT!"
"I should kill you," West murmured in an absent, reflective way. "I should crush you like a bug."
"No," Shatner gasped. "IwannaLIVE!" He snorted and hocked up a wad of phlegm the size of a baby's fist. He spit it up into the air and onto West's ascot.
West took a step back, gaping in horror. "You FOOL! This is SILK! I'll have to get it DRY-CLEANED and—"
Shatner rolled to his feet and hip-checked West into the bar. He popped West in the face with his fists, one-two one-two, having to reach up a little as West was a bit taller. He stepped back, and then threw himself into a flying kick, pulverizing West's testicles.
West began slumping to the floor. "Oh... my... little... chums."
Shatner gave West one more smack to the side of the head, then he and the bartender dragged the man out of the bar, into the rain. They threw West's coat and jaunty hat outside and closed the door.
When he returned to the bar Shatner found a fresh drink waiting for him. He eased himself carefully onto his stool. The blonde in the sweater sat down beside him.
Shatner gave her The Look. "Want to drink with a bum?"
"A bum," she asked, feigning shock. "You're a bum?"
"I got fired a while ago," he said, sounding sheepish. "I'm... I'm out of a job."
"Oh, don't worry about that," the blonde said, leaning close to him. "I've got a job for you."
Shatner smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-11-21 12:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Slightly better than the Shatner/Sagan incident
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-19 16:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"When it came to bagging ass, he was Hollywood's premier cocksmith."
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Best line in the whole story.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-19 08:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shatner's a funny guy. he and bruce campbell now make their living being charicatures of themselves.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-19 08:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-19 08:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2007-11-18 21:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story. Have any longer stories that you haven't posted on uber but wouldn't mind sharing?
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http://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.asp?bookid=13981
Makes a great Christmas gift for the whole family!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-19 02:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IDIC
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2007-11-18 21:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story. Have any longer stories that you haven't posted on uber but wouldn't mind sharing?
Submitted by OscarZAcosta (user info) at 2007-11-18 11:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahh! Ahh! I'm innocent! It was Jack! It was Jack!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-18 10:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-18 10:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-17 16:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so fucking trippy.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-11-17 02:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll read it tomorrow. At work.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-11-17 02:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wtf, I'm not reading all that.
Shatner. +2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin' outstanding.
nice work jackie.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your portrayal of Shatner is almost as amusing as his portrayal of himself. Pure gold.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-16 17:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you've never heard ol' Marshall Dillion say
Miss Kitty have you ever thought of running away
Settling down would you marry me
If I asked you twice and begged you pretty please
She'd of said yes in a New York minute
They never tied the knot
His heart wasn't in it
He stole a kiss as he road away
He never hung his hat up at Kitty's place
Fuck you, Toby Keith. Fuck you kindly with a speculum and a jar full of fire ants.
(((((
He " road" away????????????
C'mon, Gasmo, I always thought you was smarter than THAT???
wELL, MEBBE KNOT. . . .
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-16 19:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-16 19:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"hopping down from his stool"
***
i like subtle...but, his fondness for horses and his round, cherubic, apollo-type face could have been excellent additions to the story
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Two great actors, and greater MEN.
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm, now that's good Shatner!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kitty was gay you know, she lived with her lover right down the street from me.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-16 17:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd pay to see that fight
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-16 17:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you've never heard ol' Marshall Dillion say
Miss Kitty have you ever thought of running away
Settling down would you marry me
If I asked you twice and begged you pretty please
She'd of said yes in a New York minute
They never tied the knot
His heart wasn't in it
He stole a kiss as he road away
He never hung his hat up at Kitty's place
Fuck you, Toby Keith. Fuck you kindly with a speculum and a jar full of fire ants.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-16 17:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 16:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are fucking hilarious, despite the fact that you're stealing my patented word "cocksmith," motherfucker.
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Agreed. It is outright theft, but it was the only word that fit.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 16:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are fucking hilarious, despite the fact that you're stealing my patented word "cocksmith," motherfucker.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-16 16:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got to take a Shatner.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-16 16:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved that shitty acting.