Money & Beauty = Lameness, Apparently. (1446 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.66 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2007-11-16 18:00:07 EST
So.
I stumbled across this ad while I was perusing my usual bookmarked websites...How To Eat Babies, Date Jesus, and Rate the Roadkill. You know, everyone's regular favourites. Click on the link.
http://www.seekingmillionaire.com/
If you're too lazy to do a little clicky-clicky, I'll sum up: it's a dating website that is exclusively for rich and attractive people. More specifically, it's for rich (and presumably ugly) people to locate attractive (and presumably poor) people. You can specify that you are a wealthy man looking for an attractive woman, or vice versa, etc etc.
"DATING WEBSITES: While there may be many dating websites to choose from, SeekingMillionaire.com is the only dating website to focus on two important things - WEALTH and BEAUTY. If you are just ordinary, other dating websites will probably work for you, but if you are wealthy, attractive or beautiful, and you value these same qualities in your partner, then SeekingMillionaire.com is the premier website designed for you."
First off. What. The Fuck. I had always kind of figured that if you're leaking money from every orifice, the sex/relationship aspect of your life pretty much takes care of itself. The very existence of this website throws my entire paradigm out of whack.
(Sidebar: much like the David Copperfield debacle that is in the news right now. That dude is rich enough to buy islands, he's a famous celebrity, AND he knows how to manipulate the dark arts, and he decides the only way he should be meeting girls is to arrange an elaborate cloak-and-dagger system where he has a team of assistants scouring his shows for attractive women, profile them, and then dupe them into spending time with David so he can fly them to the Bahamas and rape them? THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! Let's see if you can say 'Abracadabra' and make the FBI disappear, you unbelievable moron)
How is it that rich dudes have a hard time finding hot chicks to, you know, do stuff to them? I mean...seriously? You must look like a goddamn C.H.U.D. if you're a millionaire and you can't find a gold-digging wench without assistance from teh all-powerfulz intarweb. And even THEN, there's always whores! Which is basically a more honest (and in the long run, cheaper) version of what you're looking for on this damn website.
Come ON, people! The tag line for this website is "The premier dating website for rich, beautiful, and wealthy singles" but it would be a lot more accurate if it said "The premier dating website for hot shallow bitches who like debasing themselves for equally shallow rich dudes in exchange for monetary compensation." That doesn't flow off the tongue, though. Unlike a millionaire's spooge.
I did some poking around and the website has some interesting members. For example, this lady from California who makes around $200 000 a year. She looks like the kind of woman who can really take a punch, if you know what I mean, and by the sound of her self-description, she's taken one too many already. In her words:
"Description: I REAL SINCERE PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT AND WHO HE WANTS IN LIFE. TRUSTWORTHY, AND LOVES TO LAUGH!"
Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you, lady? You think your problems in finding a man might have something to do with the fact that you can't string a sentence together and you yell all the time? And I'm not even going to bother pointing out the significance of you referring to yourself as a 'he.'
And there's this fellow, who describes himself as a: "Ssshh! Super smart strong sexy spiritual handsome hunk. Ssshh!" Okay dude, don't shush me, I'm not even talking, let alone telling anybody 'secrets' about how super smart, strong, sexy, and spiritual you are.
Mister Shushy-Pants also goes on to say: "Seeks smiley sensuous siren for significant stretch of sizzling secure happy harmony. (ssssshh!;)"
ALL RIGHT, stop fucking SHUSHING me already! And what's with the constant alliteration?? Does every word you say have to start with an S? And don't freakin' shush me and then WINK PLAYFULLY AT ME! You think that makes your weird alliteration-Tourettes syndrome cute and endearing somehow? You're a super stupid silly shushy face. SHHH!!
I must say though, browsing through this site, it seems like the wealthy men put more effort into their profile than the women. The men have this detailed story about themselves and map out what they want, and the women seem to have a vague paragraph at best, or only a single line. And the men seem to be genuinely seeking women for serious, meaningful relationships (as long as those women are hot).
The attractive (but not rich) women on the other hand, are more verbose. And they're all stupid, tent-pitching hot. Let's take this girl from Omaha, who says:
"Description: Truthfully, I've never done anything like this before. I guess I wasn't aware there was such a fine science (read: exact dollar amount etc. attached) to it. Maybe I'm a wide-eyed naive youth, but I'm just looking for some sort of "magic" and have been through too many guys who haven't treated me right (read: like a princess!)"
Hmm. "Like a princess." Well, not to be judgmental (read: i'm about to get super-judgmental on your ass), but perhaps you haven't found that 'magic' because what you're really looking for is to have money thrown at you all the time. And there's a fine line between wanting to be treated like a princess and being treated like a whore, which I'm not sure is being fully grasped here.
And okay, time to move on from the 'Beautiful Female' page, because looking at all those ridiculously hot girls is starting to hurt me a little. On to the hunky men.
Here too, I find the men are way more upfront about things. Like, flat out, "I want to be your arm candy" type of thing. How bizarre. Can you imagine saying something like that to someone's face? Like, strutting up to a wealthy lady and saying, oh, I don't know, what this Ryan guy said: "I am very presentable and make a fine dinner/travel/theatre companion...I'm looking for a mutually beneficial arrangement, hopefully longterm." Dude, for serious? Stop, stop right now, you're just...too romantic for any woman to handle.
Also, the overwhelming majority of the men on the "Attractive Male" page are in their early twenties, gorgeous, and very, very gay (except for this one 55 year old guy looking for a wife...i think he put his profile in the wrong group). Maybe it's true what all the ladies say, and all the best (read: hottest) men ARE gay.
Anyway, the entire thing leaves me with a tragic and humorous taste in my mouth...like licking a dead clown. Perhaps, based on all these lonely rich and beautiful people, I should re-evaluate my opinions on how money can, indeed, buy you happiness, and how life is so much easier when you're smokin' hot. Maybe these obscenely wealthy and stunningly gorgeous people deserve my sympathy, and not my scorn.
Or maybe the inability of these people to find loving relationships has something to do with the fact that they are seeking them out on a website designed to pair you up with people who's primary interest is money.
I think Lil Jef, a very pretty 22 year old homosexual puts it best: "I have to be truthful... coming for malibu im use to the good life.... and ied love to have someone... not take care of me but watch me and make sure i am taken care of...."
I'm sure that we all noticed that Lil Jef just basically said he'd prefer to be treated like a pet rather than an invalid or, god forbid, a person, so instead I'd like to point out that Lil Jef spelled "I'd" as I-E-D. It's not a typo. The "e" is waaaaayyy on the other side of the keyboard from the " ' ".
In summary, fuck all the rich and beautiful people. If you're rich and/or beautiful and can't find the whorish date you're looking for, you don't deserve the face/body/wallet you were blessed with.
the-caes-is-blessed-neither-with-unbelievable-beauty-or-any-money-whatsoever-but-at-least-he-can-spell
p.s. those websites i mentioned in the first line are actual websites. for a summary of some internet weirdness, check out:
http://www.gotorion.com/orion/worst.php
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-25 20:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-25 20:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-25 11:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And hey, what song is the title from? Who sings it?
-----
California Song, by the Mountain Goats.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-20 22:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this the other day but didn't rate. I don't know why. It was funny, though. Here you go.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-20 01:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at most of this.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-19 14:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And also: I can't BELIEVE that I put up a picture of a comic book about gay French man-whores and nobody has said a SINGLE THING about Caulaincourt yet.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-19 14:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-19 07:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Which begs the question what you were doing searching for dating sites to begin with...
********************************
Looking for a rich and attractive widow that I can gigolo my way into, of course.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing. Write more fiction, though - I've missed your stories.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do write some more and while you're at it convince Kre8rix to write too. he used to put some good shit up.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-19 07:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Which begs the question what you were doing searching for dating sites to begin with...
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-11-19 07:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, a caes sighting.
I will be spending the next 60 minutes laughing at this millionaire website. Thank you.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2007-11-19 04:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a C.H.U.D. reference. That's a +2. It also got me thinking about the phrase "Treat me like a Princess!" which may or may not be the material of my next post. And it was an all around good post.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-19 02:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jared already did this
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-18 20:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That sounds awful. Then again, LA is supposed to be the World Headquarters for Superficiality, isn't it? Still.
I hope you were kidding about the dumpster. Actually, no I don't.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-11-18 17:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm just glad that these people have websites where they can be honest about what they want, and where they can find each other without annoying the rest of us.
Here in L.A., there are nightclubs that cater to rich guys looking for beautiful-but-poor girls. There's one next door to my friend's tattoo shop, and sometimes when we're drunk, it's fun to pick on the women waiting in line outside the club. (The men don't have to wait.) Some of those girls are as delusional as the people on "American Idol" when it comes to assessing their own beauty. The doorman culls them like a fruit picker, tossing the ugly ones into a Dumpster before they can get in the door.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-18 10:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-18 01:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-17 23:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Bubba.
Why not, indeed? I dunno. I guess I don't really have the time or drive that I used to have. Thanks for the encouragement, though. I'd still like to...just have to find the right frame of mind.
*******
How about a major treatise on why old fuckers like Bubba piss off the youngsters on this site? Pissing them off isn't really that difficult, as we all know.
Seriously, Caes, I want to see some of your excellent prose. You and Jack Mc C are two of my favorites.
WRITE SOMETHIN' you fazy lucker. . . .
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-17 23:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Bubba.
Why not, indeed? I dunno. I guess I don't really have the time or drive that I used to have. Thanks for the encouragement, though. I'd still like to...just have to find the right frame of mind.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-17 21:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caes,
Just trying to play the part.
I, however, remember quite well when you used to write stories, and they were very good.
Why not do some more?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-17 05:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-17 03:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever posted that DL link -- Ballare? Christ, that's messed up. I have never really understood how a man can have copious amounts of anal sex with other men, repeatedly, over a period of months and years and still vehemently deny that they're gay. That was a really interesting article.
----
yeah it was vaguely appropriate and I'd just read it so I figured, who else should read this too? ubersite! yeah!
glad you enjoyed reading it, I thought it was fascinating
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-17 03:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and isn't it interesting that the majority of attractive men who are looking for rich partners are homosexual? I find that very telling. I'm not exactly sure WHAT it's telling me...but it says something, that's for sure.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-17 03:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Bubba, you have a mad hate on for Lisa.
Circe, thanks for going to bat for me there. How are you?
Wildman, no worries. And even if I had made it up, I wouldn't try to 'distract' people with a gay joke at your expense. OMG YOUR GAY LOLZ
Whoever posted that DL link -- Ballare? Christ, that's messed up. I have never really understood how a man can have copious amounts of anal sex with other men, repeatedly, over a period of months and years and still vehemently deny that they're gay. That was a really interesting article.
Manic! Awww, thanks...I miss you, too. Hope you're doing well.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-11-17 02:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thorpe should go in under "attractive males" on this site, just like his hot or not picture.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-16 22:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not reading this right now, but your links are enough for me to label this "nice links" and come back later.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-16 22:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love that this guy is calling me immature when he's double my age.
*****
RIGHT!!!! Double yer age would be what, about 28? FUCK YOU. LISA,
you ignorant twat. You are younger than ALL of my underwaer, you ignorant cunt. . .
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love that this guy is calling me immature when he's double my age.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I went to Atlanta to meet William, an attractive 35-year-old black man on the DL who asked to be identified by his middle name. I met him in the America Online chat room DLThugs, where he spends some time most days searching for what he calls ''real'' DL guys -- as opposed to the ''flaming queens who like to pretend they're thugs and on the DL.'' William says he likes his guys ''to look like real guys,'' and his Internet profile makes it clear what he isn't looking for: no stupid questions, fats, whites, stalkers or queens."
http://tinyurl.com/2nght2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad CR, i totally missed the scrolly selection
http://ugly.ru/
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-16 21:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't make it through this without wanting to vomit.
I also just want to say that I had a hilariously witty, snide comment right here but I erased it out of maturity, thank you.
*****
OUT OF MATURITY????? Holy sheepshit, Lisa, maturity is NOT your forte', sweetie!!
You, Madam, are a fucking fool, and that is a fact!!!
You blow, you suck, and you eat shit!
PLEASE stop trying to show your ugly ass on the site, you dumb twat.
PLEASE???
Thxokbye, dumbcunt....
:) :) :)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, the overwhelming majority of the men on the "Attractive Male" page are in their early twenties, gorgeous, and very, very gay (except for this one 55 year old guy looking for a wife
*****
I don't understand why you had to make this up?
The overwhelming majority of the men are in their late 30's and early forties and not gay.
There were only 2 in their 20's and that was @ 26 and 27.
___________________
Uh, dude, he was talking about the 'attractive males' page. Which I just looked up.. on the first page alone, we have:
30, seeking women
19, seeking men
26, seeking men
23, seeking men and women
19, seeking men
26, seeking men
48, seeing women
18, seeking men
18, seeking men and women
21, seeking men
Seems like an overwhelming majority of young and gay to me.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't make it through this without wanting to vomit.
I also just want to say that I had a hilariously witty, snide comment right here but I erased it out of maturity, thank you.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caeser!
What the fuck is up bro!?!??!
I'm in the middle of a project and I need your help. This is huge....bigger than ATP, and I could use your particular creative genius...email me
Kre8rix.at.gmail.com
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And for the record, creepy as it maybe be, I have always found the extreme examples of the baser parts of human nature to be very interesting. This is narcissism in one of its purest forms.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<sigh> I have REALLY missed your posts.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-16 20:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, the overwhelming majority of the men on the "Attractive Male" page are in their early twenties, gorgeous, and very, very gay (except for this one 55 year old guy looking for a wife
*****
I don't understand why you had to make this up?
The overwhelming majority of the men are in their late 30's and early forties and not gay.
There were only 2 in their 20's and that was @ 26 and 27.
Just doesn't make any sense unless you didn't think anyone was going to click on the link and peruse the canadates.
Now...here is where you may the gay-joke at my expense so you can distract people away from your "made-uo" demographics.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 19:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-16 19:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can dress her up any way you like, but a prostitute is still a prostitute.
====================
Amen sister.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-16 19:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I get a kick out of women (or men) who chase a man just because he's got money.
Like the website you described.
Sure they may paint themselves as funny, articulate, intelligent, and so on and how they are looking for a successful man because he "knows what he wants."
Yeah right.
You can dress her up any way you like, but a prostitute is still a prostitute.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-16 19:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi Lish.
Yeah it's kinda creepy...it makes me feel uneasy.
And Ebola/Director, you'll notice that the lamest, most forward, blunt, girly and insecure shit on that site is written by gay men. It's a weird culture.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You think your problems in finding a man might have something to do with the fact that you can't string a sentence together and you yell all the time?"
===
This made me laugh a lot.
I ended up on that millionare site (or one like it) recently. Coincidentally, I think I was googling something uber-related when I came across it. Knowing that this level of shallowness actually exists makes my skin crawl.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Relationship I am Seeking
I'm Seeking: Men
For: Marriage, Long-Term Relationship, Short-Term Relationship, Fun
Description: Im looking for a real man in every sense of the word. I have ambition and drive and plan to be successful someday. I am usually attracted to men in their late 20's to early 40's because at that point in their lives, they know enough to carry on a decent conversation, but still like to have fun. Ideally, I would like to meet someone to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Practically though, I am interested in offering companionship and intimacy in exchange for some major spoiling and TLC.
=======================================
THESE ARE DUDES!
HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA. Fucking Nancy boys. Are there that many rich older faggots out there?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HAHA HA HA:
"My turn to be pampered."
Relationship I am Seeking
I'm Seeking: Men
For: Long-Term Relationship, Short-Term Relationship, Fun, Friendship
Description: I want a mature adult. I'm tired of immature sluts. I want someone that can carry a conversation. I want someone that just doesn't want to have sex with me. I want someone that is kind. I want someone that isn't afraid to poke at me or himself. I want someone who is just amazing.
===============
This was from a DUDE.
HAHAHABWWWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAAAA!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember when you used to write stuff.
i sort of did, too. once. a long time ago.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buying your spouse. Must make people proud.
Not much different really, than one of those mail order russian/asian/latin american bride sites.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Har har har
I'm not getting tricked into THAT again. Though it's a pretty good idea and I hope the unexpected help comes from France. Or the mole-people.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a great idea for a Pandemic-style series. You can add to it. See, it is about 15 years from now and through a series of circumstances which I will detail later, the USA is preparing to invade Canada for natural resources, but since the American economy has collapsed they are now the weaker country and America gets unexpected help in the war to come from
Oh. Wait. You don't want me doing things like that anymore.
A couple of girls at work were looking at that site and cooing like pigeons. When they told me what it was I said, "So, would money trump small or malformed genitals?" They just stared at me.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the idea my best guy friend once cooked up while in the throes of a drug binge - he called it Roll-a-Ho. I wonder if the millionaire website needs advertisers.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-16 18:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, remember when I used to write stuff? Nah, me neither.