A Glimpse of the Internet In The Future (1036 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.35 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grar'xawiax The Troll, Internet Tough Guy Extraordinaire (View user info) at 2007-11-20 08:23:04 EST
AS SOME OF YOU MAY BE AWARE, I SPENT MUCH TIME IN THE FUTURE BEFORE RETURNING. I ACTUALLY POSTED ON UBERSITE IN THE FUTURE, BUT YOU JUST HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET. CAPS IS REALLY STARTING TO BOTHER MY DENDRITES. While in the future, I witnessed much. I can give it to you only in small portions, as the whole of what I experienced would simply overwhelm the senses and lead to synapse misfires (that's science talk for MAKE YOU ZOMBIES. Thrilla. Thrillaaa.). In the future, the Internet has changed from its current form. It was one of the first things I investigated when I arrived in the future. After much asking around and having much knowledge imparted to me by The Imparter of Knowledge, Emeritus I linked all of the changes to a single catalyst: Megan Meier's suicide.
A short recap of the story for those of you who do not visit Internet regularly: Megan's BFF got pissed at her. Megan's BFF's mom made a Myspace account (the popular social networking site) to see what Megan was saying about her little Pumpkinhead. Megan's BFF's mom said some pretty mean things, like "You sound like a thirteen year old girl" and "I would rather masturbate to horse porn than have sex with you" and Megan made herself dead.
For some reason (I was not able to determine this in my research), Megan's mom and pop got royally PISSED OFF, and in addition to suing Megan's BFF's mom (who probably wasn't invited to the death celebration) they lobbied for "internet reform." (I'm not making this shit up: http://www.foxnews.com/wires/2007Nov20/0,4670,InternetSuicide,00.html ).
Since I am from the future, and I am feeling especially altruistic today, I can tell you what this led to. After years of legislation, the Bill of the Internet was signed into the Law of the Internet. The Law of the Internet is enforced by overprotective parents, ultraconservative old people, Internet badasses (guys with really small penises operating out of basements, the locations of which are currently unknown), and machine code. There are also police cars on the Internet, which is why data rates are so shitty in the future. I traced this specific clause of the Law of the Internet to demands made by Mrs. Meier's, Megan's mother.
Said Meier, "You cannot, absolutely cannot, as an adult, pose as a 16-year-old boy on a computer and play games with someone." This resulted in the very first clause of the Law of the Internet: "No adult, as defined by federal and state statutes, may pose as a 16-year-old boy on a computer and play games with someone. Absolutely not." Thankfully, very few adults actually pose as 16-year-old boys on computers--its actually rather uncomfortable. BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS! Clever folks will note that there is a loophole in this law that allows adults to pose as 15 or 17 year olds. This clause wiped out most teen chatrooms, as well as half the userbase of Second Life.
Mrs. Meier became a beacon of hope for people everywhere who said "There oughta be a law against that." Now, there COULD be a law against that. People realized that every time a teenager had sex, committed suicide, got in a fight, shot shit up, swore, shunned religion, or ignored mom and pop's advice, someone else was to blame and a law had to be made to protect their children. As you can imagine, this led to the outlawing of violent video games, moving picture shows, bubble gum, liquor commericals, drug dealing, murder, scantily clad attractive young women in sexually suggestive poses, potty words, and eating pancakes with an axe while wearing a flannel shirt and pissing on sleeping bears from a tree, which was deemed too manly an activity to be practiced by teenagers.
In the future, everything is against the law, so everything you do is illegal, and we are all criminals. The justice system is overloaded with cases, so no one is prosecuted. Society is on the brink of collapsing into a full-fledged civil war. Canadian Mounties line up on the border to welcome waves of angsty teen refugees who are yet too sensitive to fight and have firm, supple breasts. Former inmates, toughened by "The Gauntlet," an underground gladiatorial street combat competition run by a philanthropic drug-crime syndicate called Smack for Schools, hire themselves out as personal guards but accept wages only in heroine and alcohol. The King of America revives Project jAnus (yes, that's Project [-(Anus^2)]^(1/2). forget it, just ignore it) with the help of An Evil Council which he dupes into compliance with the assistance of a long-forgotten insane clone posse which was banished into The Darkness (too emo?) for sucking too bad. When the nation's righteous police forces are mostly killed in a string of mysterious terrorist attacks involving airplanes, laser beams, and giant robots from the last war, the people are brought to their knees by the King of America. Only one man can save us, and he is judge, jury...and executioner!
So do you guys think my screenplay will be any good?
User Reviews
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-20 17:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a tool Yozz.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-11-20 17:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick
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Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-20 17:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2007-11-20 16:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well you see, the thing is I had a real idea when I started. About halfway through I completely forgot it, so I just finished it up with a vision I'd had (the one where I watched Judge Dredd again last night) and the rest is history. OR THE FUTURE?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-20 13:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-20 10:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-20 10:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't do much for me. Sorry mate.
nor me, except of course the part about firm supple breasts. a big fan of breasts i am.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-11-20 10:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The part about the firm supple breasts is gonna work - the rest is shit.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-20 10:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't do much for me. Sorry mate.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-11-20 10:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
he is not judge judy the executioner
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great!
But lay off the speed. This made my brain ache after the first paragraph. This may have something to do with extraordinary hangover.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems the future is just how I imagined it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaahhaa... etc.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-11-20 08:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-20 08:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-11-20 08:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!