The Hatred of Blue (299 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mayh3m (View user info) at 2007-11-21 04:43:02 EST
Before I begin, know I wrote this drunk, tired, and with no editing. It was in my head, and it just typed itself out. -2 away, but I needed to get this out. I know "not a blog" yada yada, but this is the only place where no one knows me IRL (sans one, but they're cool), and I feel as if I can post these thoughts here, okey dokey? Anyway, enjoy, or don't, but just know that I enjoyed typing it.
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"Hey Jess, this is your mother, it's 2:33 on Wednesday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, and it made me really nervous- well, it made me nervous for the baby, but you sounded nervous too. I just wanted to make sure you were really okay, and also that you checked in on the baby's medication. You know I love y'all, so take care honey, I know you're under a lot of pressure...See ya.."
All I had to do was block out those thoughts of her, the ones that crawl around like pests leaving more in my head. I couldn't though; They constantly dropped little reminders in my head that play over and over again as I walk these lonely hallways, drive down the roads that were once full of music and laughter, and breath the air we once shared. It just all happened so suddenly, like that moment right before you cum while watching a porno. It just happened, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It burned as the bullet passed through my brain, and caused internal bleeding on my brain. My last thought was of you, and how far I'd be from you now, glad that you weren't the one that tried to reach out to me.
I feel bad, knowing that people will hate me today for what I've done. They'll hate me, questioning why I did it at this time, at this date, and at this hour. Why I didn't wait until the baby was with someone that could take care of him while I blasted my brains all over his crib. They will try and rationalize what I did, saying that weaker people would not have kept going after the first month, but they'd just be lying. I'm a pathetic loser- I know this. I sat at my computer every night- anytime I'd go out, I'd fail the school of Mystery so miserably that I'd always come home alone, look at my son, and be so pissed that I allowed myself to have a son with a heartless bitch that I was conned into thinking that she loved me (long sentence, I know). I hated going to work so much that I lost my job, and while I got a new job, one that's perfect for me, I still found things to complain about. And then, I'd go to that stupid website, post my stupid thoughts, and then go to bed, still alone, while that bitch was already resting next to another man. You wanna know WHY THE FUCK it's so easy for her? Because the only thing that she has of the baby is that fucking scar on her stomach. I hope he gets a good look at it each time, and I hope one day his fucking dick falls off. I hope she gets aids, and I hope she dies. I wish I could watch her wither away in pain, for all that she did. But like my friend said, if she died right now, she'd die not understanding what she did was wrong.
I understand though, so as life falls away from me tonight, I'll die knowing. This was the only option, I had no other choice but to end it all now. No point in bothering more women with my nonsense, friends with my ideas that never come to fruition. Thanksgiving, Birthday, Christmas- This year, 2007, they were all supposed to mean more because for the first time I'd have a family to enjoy them with. Now? All I had to look forward to was a shitty meal, a drunken birthday with "friends" that don't put out, and a Christmas where I sit alone watching a baby that throws up on me every five fucking minutes. I won't lie- I don't want a son, not at this age. I don't want the life I have now, I don't want a girlfriend, a baby, or friends- I want a fucking family. I hate God so much for what he's done to me, but then I realize he didn't do it- I did, and I hate myself for it. I caused my own prison- I did all this to myself. All you out there reading this now will -2 me, saying "stop being emo" but fuck that shit, ya know, this is life, this is real. It's easy to say "ya know I won't let it get to me" but you try being alone, away from a person you love, watching your child, that looks exactly like that person, wake up everyday and smile at you. It kills on the inside each morning. But there won't be any more mornings after this.
These are just some of the last thoughts that raced through my head. I didn't quite understand what was going on though. I was watching myself on the bed, dead, with blood dripping out the bullet hole as the glass window behind me laid in pieces on the floor. My body was lifeless, so when I looked down for my feet I had none. My son was there, next to me, crying his heart out because the bullet and broken mirror noise spooked him. I reached over to pick him up, but I had no hands. I could only watch as he cried. I could only watch as my body twitched. My phone rang- it was my mother. She must have called at least 3 times before she finally left a message. I wonder what she said. I wanted to thank her for all she did for me these last 5 months I was alone.
I knew it was her that would hate me the most. She's hate me for all the things I didn't do for my son before I left. She's hate me, and wait until the day she died to meet me again and finally show me what good I missed out on. She would have every right to. I was sober for 3 whole months thanks to her. Drinking was the one that that tore us apart, causing me to run away from my problems (and the baby) to another city. In a sick way, I sorta saw this exit as a "thank you" to her, since I did it with no alcohol in my blood. Emotionally I've always been waging wars on myself, and she never doubted my warped opinions on my relationship with my ex. She always made me compliment myself when I would question my looks, or personality- like a good mom should. Now, though, I'll fly so far away that she'll never have to waste time with me again, nor will I have to cross her mind ever again.
As she arrived at my house, she saw the blood, heard the baby, and felt the tug of a million mixed emotions. Hate, guilt, anger, disappointment, sadness, remorse, sympathy, and many, many more. She knew what would happen next. With the divorce not final, the baby automatically went with my ex, and she never would see the baby again. My ex took him away, to her new home, where she took ill care of him. I saw every night as she fucked during the baby's tears. I heard every welp of the baby for me, for his grandmother, for his old life. He now was indeed the victim- thanks to me. I tried to reach for him, but I had no arms to carry him. I tried to sing him to sleep, but I had no voice in which to comfort him. I tried to not watch the horror, but I had no eyelids to protect my sight. I watched as she was a day-mother, watching him for a few hours during the day, and then getting so stressed with him that she would toss him in a toy...It was funny, because I hated what she did, yet I did the same thing. Now that I was gone, however, I couldn't do anything for him. My family spent every dollar of theirs trying to get the baby, but nothing helped. She won, simply because I proved I wasn't fit to watch him with the biggest exclamation point.
It continued like this, for another 5 months, until one day I stopped in to see my ex doing giving the baby a bath. As he watched her with an angry look, she looked back at him, and in that instant I knew what she was thinking.
You are your father's son. With a sad heart, I had no choice but to sit idle and kick myself for letting her do what she did next. Holding his face in his hand, she drowned him under the hot water. The temperature scolded his skin, and his cries for help were drowned by the sound, and the fullness, of water down his throat. My son would soon join me, and I had no choice but to wait for him to cross over. In the moments before he did, I finally heard him speak. He looked straight at me, as if he knew all the mistakes I made that led to this moment. He showed me that just like he was a baby, I was also never a man by doing what I did. I finally broke free of my comatose state and reached for him. My ex turned, surprised that I was there, alive. I turned off the water, and lifted him away from her. As I saw his brown eyes cry and held his burned face in my hand, I cried tears of blood and yelled "MAKE IT GO AWAY! JUST BRING BACK MY OLD MY LIFE, MAKE ME SMILE AND SHINE JUST LIKE IT USED TO BE!" as I fell down to the ground. My son's body went limp, but he turned to me, and though he was but 10 months old, I saw his lips moving, as if he wanted to say something. I moved in closer, but my ear to his mouth, and he did whisper something:
"How could you do this to me?"
As he crossed over to my side, I knew he hated me. I looked at my ex, and knew she hated me. I flew away, back to my mom, and saw her face, in her place alone and said, and I knew that she hated me too. All this hate- it's too much to swallow. I hated myself, most of all, for continuing to make poor decisions. Feelings that were so intense that I did the worst thing possible, and gave up. I wished that I could go back, and take that that one choice. Forget all the other choices I made. Sticking with my ex, taking the good things for granted- all that was in the past. This choice, I had to live with forever. I couldn't just wait it out, and see what's good for me unfold. There was no going back from this choice, nothing I could do in the future to change the course, because I did the one thing that ends the façade known as choice: I ended life.
With nothing else to do, and with my newfound ability to interact with objects, I went back to my room, with the phone still laying in the place I left it 5 months ago, and played the message my mother left me.
"Hey Jess, this is your mother, it's 2:33 on Wednesday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, and it made me really nervous- well, it made me nervous for the baby, but you sounded nervous too. I just wanted to make sure you were really okay, and also that you checked in on the baby's medication. You know I love y'all, so take care honey, I know you're under a lot of pressure...See ya.."
User Reviews
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-11-21 13:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops, I forgot to mention I was drunk when I wrote this. This is why you don't drink and ubersite alone :P
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-21 10:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-21 09:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It just all happened so suddenly, like that moment right before you cum while watching a porno"
I liked this line.
Hope you feel better.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-21 09:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no one knows me IRL.....
"hi Jess..."
Ok, so you are Jess.
just saying.
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not sure what comment to insert here, but you have a responsibility to your kids. No it's not easy but you made them, you deal with it. Everyone wants the pussy but they are never ready if someone gets preggers.
what the fuck do they teach kids in schools, do they not cram birth control and condoms at you 24hours a day anymore?
wow, grumpy old man there for a second. I'll be on my porch shaking my cane at the kids on my lawn, if anyone needs me.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-21 09:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*blinks*
That was rather...raw.
All I can say to this is something I said on a different post yesterday....experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-21 05:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You dissappoint me.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-21 05:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I want a child very much.
It boggles my mind that others feel repelled by their offspring.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-21 05:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i couldn't read this.
children are sacred to me.
all this would do is get me mad, even though it's fiction (fucking hope so...)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-21 05:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel better for getting it off ya chest I hope.