I Can Bearly Handle Men's Bullshit Anymore (22092 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ballare (View user info) at 2007-11-21 23:35:08 EST
Okay so last night I was at this house party. There was music, and people, and booze and stuff, typical party fare. The bros were poundin' and pumpin' it, the preps were judgin' and jammin' it, the goths were being generally indifferent and vaguely suicidal about it all, and I - of course - was rockin' out with my cockin' out.
But I digress.
I'm sitting here getting smashed on wine coolers when I notice someone out of the corner of my eye. He catches my attention, somehow: I glance his way and noticed that people were avoiding him; doing everything in their power to make it clear they wanted nothing to do with him. But not me. With my buzz on, I pass over his rather unattractively dishevelled appearance, rearrange my boobs and fluff my hair and strut on over to chat him up.
We're making small talk, but it's not long before we're in the closet embracing each other atop the coats, all up in each other's grills. He's voraciously caressing my sides and kissing my neck - rather wet kisses. It's, well, it's more like he's licking my neck. He's... he's licking and biting my neck? It was becoming rather repulsive, and I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I start to push him away, but, maw gaping, he presses himself on me. His tongue lolls. His furry hands shove me back against some awkwardly sharp coat hangers. His calorie storage hump felt hard and awkward under my grasping hands.
That's when I realized: this wasn't your average closet make-out partner. IT WAS ACTUALLY A BEAR.
I screamed in terror and tried to push the hulking, panting beast off of me. It let out a monstrous roar and slammed its paw - easily the size of a small cat - across my face, snapping my neck like peanut butter Brigitte. Brittle. A brittle twig. I don't know, cracked my neck like somefuckingthing.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched motionlessly as it continued its enraged mauling on the helpless closet. It's torn up the coats like Hurricane Katrina and splintered the weak wooden door with a slam of it's giant furry paw.
Party patrons scattered, screaming like a small child in a microwave. Not that I'd know. Uh, anyway, there's screaming, and the bear became furious, dazzled by the lights and sounds and cologne of the prep party-goers. He ran out the open front door, stood on the lawn, shaking his great mitts skyward, where the Northern Lights danced.
Suddenly he vanished as a beam of light came down from that atmospherical anomaly and returned him to his home in the wide verdant forests of British Columbia.
User Reviews
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2008-04-18 17:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OML I drink wine coolers! We could be sisters! Ah yee hee, shamone!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-18 17:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was about to -2 this, but as I read it, the pure ridiculousness of the affair made me laugh out loud.
Well done.
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-04-18 17:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting. i liked how descriptive you were with his taking advantage of you. sounds like you enjoy a good rape fantasy. i work in a prison and could hook you up with some guys that could make your fantasy a reality. some haven;t shaved in quite some time and actually do look a little furry
Submitted by icanbecool (user info) at 2008-04-18 16:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This section makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
"I - of course - was rockin' out with my cockin' out.
But I digress.
I'm sitting here getting smashed on wine coolers"
These are mutually exclusive concepts.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-11 12:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha no fuck you
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-03-10 13:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My own post that made B@W now feels slightly less accomplished. I guess in the Special Olympics, SOME retard has to go home with the gold medal, right?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the range of ratings on this is stunning
I'm still not sure why BartBart our lord and master put it up on B@W though
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno, this post makes me feel like my one B@W post is lesser than I thought. I guess the judging is more random than previously suspected.
Submitted by KindaLikeJesus (user info) at 2008-01-01 00:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
THIS MADE B@W
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2007-12-08 09:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want some of that acid
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-12-04 15:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ursine peener. Word.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-12-04 15:24:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha what the fuck?
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You slut you.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess I don't understand or appreciate, how this is B&W worthy but I do understand the concept of a referee's "make-up" call that you sometimes see in the game of football.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I digress is the last thing one should say before a long rant.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-28 13:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just found this.
Dude... what?
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for British Columbia
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-28 11:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-28 00:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-28 00:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this game is fucking messed up
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/verysimple
_____
That last level is a bitch because you start seeing white everywhere!
Thanks for sending me blind!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-27 19:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-26 11:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this the guy...er...bear?
http://www.losanjealous.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/downnout.jpg
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At first glance at the title, I was set to dock a point for misspelling "barely", but then I thought, "nah, it's Ballare, might be a play on words." Good thing too - this was pretty damn funny.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good, possibly the best thing you've ever written. It's not like a magnum opus though so don't go dying thinking your work here is done.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W sweety. Yay!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I never rated this before because I didn't like it but it had a perfect +2. Congrats on B@W, though!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
B@W? random
thanks bartbart..?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:01:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-22 05:24:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should check out a book called Bear or possibly The Bear
or possibly something else
anyway, it's about a bear that plays jazz saxophone and fucks humans.
there's another more realitic story about a woman who encourages a bear to lick her cunt.
that might be called Bear as well. Or The Bear. Or possibly something else.
***
That made me laugh harder than the post.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2007-11-25 12:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite possibly the perfect post.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-25 10:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA B@W!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-11-25 09:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-25 07:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting B@W choice. Congrats.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-25 07:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting B@W choice. Congrats.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-25 03:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-24 22:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should've climbed a tree.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-11-24 18:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we've all been there.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-11-24 17:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-11-24 13:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyed this at work, and forgot to rate. Funny stuff.
Submitted by OscarZAcosta (user info) at 2007-11-23 13:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey fresh prince of ballare,lets shoot up some dope in my cadillac.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-23 13:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I DIDN'T REALIZE THE CAPS LOCK WAS ON. OH WELL, ITS NOT LIKE I CAN DELETE IT NOW.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING BOSH
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
screaming like a small child in a microwave.
_______________
Line of the week.
I need to find a way to slot that in next time I talk to my therapist, my mum, my kids, and the chick at the store where I'm going to buy my new microwave.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome+Title
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
[lust]
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-22 07:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-22 06:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should check out a book called Bear or possibly The Bear
or possibly something else
anyway, it's about a bear that plays jazz saxophone and fucks humans.
there's another more realitic story about a woman who encourages a bear to lick her cunt.
that might be called Bear as well. Or The Bear. Or possibly something else.
_____
This made me Laugh Out Loud (LMAO).
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-22 06:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should check out a book called Bear or possibly The Bear
or possibly something else
anyway, it's about a bear that plays jazz saxophone and fucks humans.
there's another more realitic story about a woman who encourages a bear to lick her cunt.
that might be called Bear as well. Or The Bear. Or possibly something else.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-22 05:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what BEAR faced cheek
oh im funny
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-22 05:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WUV WOO
WUV WOO was a code in age of empires II where a canadian caped bear would come and shoot his laser gun at the little men. I feel like the WUV WOO bear would have gotten more pussy than yogi.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-11-22 05:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking bears
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 04:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There you go, sweety.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-22 04:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-22 01:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sure, why not.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-22 01:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IOREK!!!!!
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-11-22 01:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-22 00:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
....This was fan-fucking-tastic.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-22 00:24:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What?
Okay I miss those days.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-21 23:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://flickr.com/photos/jasonshogreen/358014505/in/set-72157594480436667/
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-21 23:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that bear is queerspeak for hairy man and that Ballare is spanish for "The Castle of the Weevils" but the rest of this was total gibberish. Work on your pronounciation. -1.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-21 23:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-11-21 23:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, this shit was awesome.