Tainted Thanksgiving (882 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.66 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by write-of-way (View user info) at 2007-11-22 16:34:44 EST
Have you ever had a holiday experience so jarring it forever changed the way you felt about that day, no matter how you try to get past it?
Every brood has its holiday traditions, and mine is no different. But I have definite misgivings each year at our family dinner because of what happened three years ago. This is why Thanksgiving will never be the same for my family.
It started off pretty spectacular, actually, with a good old fashioned scrogging in my new kitchen. I don't know about you, but whenever I move into a new domicile, I like to christen each room with my seed. Fortunately, I was engaged at the time, so my territorial dominance had the proper receptacle for my seminal sovereignty.
The fucking was great, don't get me wrong. It's what happened immediately afterwards that will haunt my Thanksgivings evermore.
We stared at each other slack-jawed, panting and slick. It was one of those rare times when you actually cum together, I mean right at the same time. This occurrence has been, in my experience, exceedingly rare outside of cinema. Nothing happens like it does in porn. I was lucky enough to be with two girls at the same time once, but one of them was asleep and the other was too scared to make any noise. She kept stoppin' her bobbin' to see if her friend was awake and my valiant erection finally died resentfully mere inches from her neglectful mouth.
I found out much later her slumbering friend had only been pretending to sleep, hoping we'd lose ourselves to passion so she could join in once the action got too hot to stop. There's nothing worse than a tentative lesbian. You've really just got to hold your nose and dive in. Now that we'd actually gotten engaged and moved in together I seriously doubted I'd get another chance at a three-way. Something about that ring dampens the adventurous spirit. Nothing happens like it does in porn.
When I finally caught my breath, I let my cock slide out of her real slow just the way she liked it. She locked on my eyes and held her breath until the final plop, which I found incredibly sexy. If it weren't for the task at hand I do believe I'd have given her another go right then.
This was only the second time we'd fucked in our new place, and the first time in the kitchen, and I noticed the curtains over the sink behind her were actually pretty sheer. Better get something a little more opaque. The next door neighbors were elderly, forties, at least, and I wanted no coronary accidents on my conscience.
She hopped up onto the counter and crossed her ankles demurely.
"Check the turkey, turkey."
I turned to check the oven and it was cold. I had hit the knob in the door frame when I moved it in, and I must've cracked it or something, because it obviously didn't catch on the spindle when I turned it on earlier. Shit.
"It's cold."
"What time are they getting here?"
"Depends on traffic, I guess."
My parents were driving in from out of state. First time to meet the fiancee. First Thanksgiving with the girl who's fucking their son without the benefit of clergy. There were a lot of firsts that day.
"Should we nuke it?"
She shrugged. "Maybe to start."
"Okay." I don't know why I was asking her anyway. She knew even less than I did about cooking a turkey. We bought all the side dishes at the grocery store, so we could just heat them up, but she really wanted to show my mom she could do all the things a mother never thinks her daughter-in-law can do. About a week ago I broached the possibility of just going out to a restaurant and she could hear my mother's shriek through the phone and across the room. "Who goes to a restaurant on Thanksgiving?" The implication, of course, was sluts who shack up with my son and don't even know how to cook, that's who. Families without traditions.
I pulled the pan out of the oven, wondering if the turkey would even fit in the microwave, and turned just as she reached past me to light a cigarette on the stove. My elbow hit her arm, and she dropped the lit cig against my chest. I instinctively shoved the pan to arm's length so the cigarette wouldn't fall on the turkey, knocking her backwards over the chair, still slippery from our sweaty fuckfest. Meanwhile, the cigarette bounced off the side of the pan and caught in my pubes, flaring painfully against my blue-veined johnson.
I panicked and dropped the pan, managing only to catch the bird itself. I thrust my burning norris into the soft, cool stuffing, feeling immediate relief. I fell back against the oven and pulled the bird hard against my pelvis to grind its cool skin against my smoldering nethers. It was at this moment my parents walked in with my younger siblings as I stood there, apparently fucking the Thanksgiving meal they were scheduled to consume.
My lovely betrothed collapsed forward onto the floor, laughing so hard she couldn't breath, causing her back to convulse and raising her hindquarters, which gave my family a lovely view of her recently plundered wonders. I suppose this qualified as another one of those things a mother never thinks her daughter-in-law can do, although I don't know if it was on my mother's list.
Needless to say, we ate Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. Another first.
To this day, my little brother lights up like a candle whenever he sees his auntie, and I can only imagine the fevered loads inspired by that fateful holiday. I'm pretty confident, from the gleam in my father's eyes every November, that my mother's sex life picks up quite a bit during the season, also. Nothing like the knowledge your old man's plowing your mother a bit harder whilst thinking of your wife to really get you into the spirit of the season.
Every brood has its holiday traditions, and each year since, my father tries to tell the story of the first time he laid eyes on his future daughter-in-law, but before he can get to his favorite part, Mom scolds him for mentioning the 'tainted' Thanksgiving.
I doubt she understands the gales of laughter from her husband or the furious blushing from my wife, but of course I can't be sure.
Once things settle down, we eat.
Ham.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-11-22 17:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True story or not, I laughed :)
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-11-26 12:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 12:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-25 00:56:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I put on my robe and wizard hat
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-23 13:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-23 07:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew. Squidgy.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-23 06:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-23 06:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-23 05:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably a lie, but hilarious nevertheless.
Submitted by write-of-way (user info) at 2007-11-23 02:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sac - Hadley is on the right track. Auntie is just a colloquialism, but perhaps I should've used another term which would have been less confusing.
Steak - I've never seen that movie, but food is often associated with love and sex and fucking a Thanksgiving turkey is actually a really old idea, certainly older than the film you mention. In any case, this is based on a true story, with some exaggeration. I did fuck my girlfriend in the kitchen while we were preparing Thanksgiving dinner, and my johnson did come in squishy contact with the main course. We were high and it seemed pretty funny at the time. My family didn't actually walk in on us, however, but ate in puzzled silence as my girlfriend giggled throughout the meal. At one point my mother did compliment my girlfriend on the delicious stuffing, which I attribute to politeness and not the taste of my cock.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-23 02:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wasn't this essentially stolen from "Not Another Scary Movie 2"?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-11-23 01:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-22 21:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But I'm confused about one thing..unless I read it wrong, why is your wife your brother's auntie?
-----
Not to put words in the dude's mouth, but I have a cousin who is about 22 years younger than me. He started calling me "Unkie" when he was 2 and everyone thought it was cute and didn't correct him. So, despite the lack of children from my brother, I am Uncle Hadley to this day.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-22 23:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-22 23:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-22 21:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you started a new tradition, awesome.
But I'm confused about one thing..unless I read it wrong, why is your wife your brother's auntie?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-22 19:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha nice ending.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-11-22 19:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fact? Fiction? The world may never know. Nor may we ever care. I got a semi-erection imagining your girl bending over with the phrase "plundered wonders." Tou-che.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-22 18:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That pic was me earlier today, hand up a turkey twat.
Saccy and Ghola, take note.. .
:)
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-22 17:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been cooking and drinking for four hours. +2s for all.
ps, didn't read it.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-11-22 17:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True story or not, I laughed :)