And The World's-Biggest-Badass-Of-The-Year Award Goes To....... (1616 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.66 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2007-11-25 13:49:01 EST
http://news.yahoo.com/s/wyff/20071125/lo_wyff/14683234
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A Kershaw County, S.C. farmer has recovered enough to recount how he had to cut off his own arm to save his life.
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Sampson Parker talked to WIS reporter Dan Tordjman, and explained that after he got his hand stuck in a piece of farm equipment and a fire broke out around him, he had no choice.
"If I was going to die here, I was going to put up a fight, and that's basically what I did," says Sampson Parker.
Parker was working in a field on his farm when he noticed a cornstalk stuck in rusty mechanical picker.
"I went up with my hand and the roller that takes the shucks off the corn had grabbed the glove and pulled my hand into the rollers," Parker said. "The more I tried pulling my hand out, the farther up my hand went."
On his knees, his hand stuck in the picker, Parker tried calling for help, but no one answered. "Would've probably have passed out before anybody got here," he said.
Parker?s hand went numb as about an hour passed, and he used a rod to jam the machine.
He made the decision to cut his arm out of the machine. He used a John Deere pocket knife and started to cut away his fingers.
But before Parker could get free, the rod caused the machine to spark, and burst into flame.
With his right hand still caught in the machine, Parker used his left hand to try to fight back the fire that was spreading in the grass around him.
"My skin was melting. It was dripping off my arm like plastic, plastic melting. I realized I was in trouble," he said. Parker said he grabbed his knife again.
"And I just jammed it into my arm, just like that, just started cutting away from the bone -- just dropped," he said.
Badly burned and bleeding from his severed arm, Parker drove to the road in front of his house. At that moment, a firefighter from Kershaw passed by.
Firefighter Doug Spinks said, "My biggest fear was this guy is going to die on me right here and there's nothing else I can do, other than what I've done."
Spinks wrapped Parker?s arm and called for help.
Parker said that Spinks saved his life.
"I'm just thankful I was there," Spinks said.
Now Parker said he is moving on, and is not bitter about what happened.
"(I) came down here, had a prayer with God and the corn picker and me. Made it easier. Made peace with it," he said.
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Excuse me, but this dude didn't pass out ONCE while his arm got caught in heavy machinery, his skin was melting off, and as he was breaking through his own bone to save his ass?
This guy is so fucking badass, I bet he could punch any one of us in the nuts (or cunt)..... with his phantom arm........ from his hospital bed. I bet he finished shucking that entire field of corn with his one good arm once he came home, then lifted the rusty death machine, twirled it around on his finger like a Harlem Globetrotter, and then kicked it over a mountain.
This guy would rather CUT OFF HIS OWN FUCKING ARM than pass out and die painlessly. Fuck that, if it were me, I'd smash my head until I was knocked unconscious. Not ONE of us has anything on this guy.
A toast to Samson Parker: Badass Extraordinaire.
User Reviews
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-19 02:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 06:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uniter just made my week
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-11-28 05:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, I did that once. The arm grew back within a couple of months.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 03:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. But kick ass Uniter review.
Poor Bubba.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-11-26 12:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Uniter's review.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-26 12:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uniter almost posted something did you see that?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*which took hours to get there and get him to an HOSPITAL.
sorry
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool story.
my ex's father got his arm caught up in the differential of a large forest skidder.
it litterally tore all his forearm muscles from his elbow and turned his arm into a stretched out piece of gore.
he couldn't climb on the skidder to get on long range radio frequencies so he had to drive in a pickup trucks for half an hour, with his arm dangling off.
not only did he have to fight passing off, but some asshole moose walked into the forest road, blocking the way. he tried pushing it slightly with the truck (those things are massive and will wreck your vehicle if they trip on your hood) and it wouldn't bulge. so he had to get out the truck, scare the shit out of the rebel moose by screaming at it and throwing rocks at it awkwardly.
he drove some more to a nearby camp. where he called for an ambulance, which took hours to get there and get him to an ambulance.
to this day, his doctor still call him "my miracle" because 1. he didn't die and 2. his arm almost completly recover with only minimal scarring and loss of strenght.
i kinda miss that guy. too bad his wife and daughter were shrews.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-26 09:01:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass indeed.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-26 05:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha! it never gets old, quint. it never gets old.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-26 00:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's nothing. I knew a guy that once gnawed off his own arm after he woke up with it stuck under Method's Mom. True story.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-25 23:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2007-11-25 19:19:49 PST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not ONE of us has anything on this guy.
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Umm actually I once had a lumber puncture, that wins. Well ok it doesn't but it smarts a little.
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Putting nails into boards doesn't hurt!
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Pwned!!!1!
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-25 23:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-25 11:39:00 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
some dude in Utah did that except he was trapped with his arm in a crevice and he spent two weeks or something trying to find the right leverage for his arm so he could snap the bone and then cut it off while he was starving to death
and I was thirty kilometers away happily camping
.......................................................................
Yeah, except that guy was a total dipshit in that he didn't tell any of his friends or family where he was going... he would just split for a couple of weeks here and there and this time it bit him in the ass. Obviously a cell phone wouldn't have helped him while he was stuck under a rock or whatever, but at least if his family were expecting him home on, say, Tuesday, then by Thursday they would know something was up and send a rescue team out or something. Duh.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2007-11-25 22:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not ONE of us has anything on this guy.
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Umm actually I once had a lumber puncture, that wins. Well ok it doesn't but it smarts a little.
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Putting nails into boards doesn't hurt!
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-25 21:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN: Phallic_Cymbals
Americans cut off their arms sans pain killers in order to remain strong, defend the free world, defeat terrorists, kill the Red Menace, invade oil nations and generally be better than everyone else in the world.
Now you know.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-25 20:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's one of these every year. Doesn't stop it from being great.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-11-25 19:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uniter just made my fucking week
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-25 19:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
http://youporn.com/watch/94716
NSFW
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-11-25 19:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good uniter review
I'm vaguely in shock
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why, do you have a tail that falls off and wiggles around when you're startled, confusing and disorienting your enemies, you uppity prick?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is it with Americans and lopping their own arms off as soon as trouble rears it's head?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uniter just made my fucking week
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 17:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THAT'S NOTHING!
AP - A man has recovered enough to recount how he had to gouge out his own eyes to save his sanity.
The man explained that after he accidentally clicked on http://www.ubersite.com/u/Bubba2341, he had no choice.
"If I was going to die of boredom, I was going to put up a fight, and that's basically what I did," he said.
The man was working on his computer when he noticed a link to a web site he didn't recognize.
"I clicked on it and saw a bunch of shit that looked pretty harmless. I was about to leave when I accidentally rolled the cursor over username Bubba2341 and I must've clicked by accident. I read a few of his shitty posts and they were so goddamned awful I kind of went into shock or something," he said. "The more I tried to stop reading, the more his inane blather burrowed into my brain. It was like my intelligence shut down."
On his knees, eyes stuck to the monitor, he tried calling for help, but no one answered. "Would've probably passed out from lack of funny before anybody got here," he said.
His mind went numb and he made the decision to gouge his eyes out. He used a John Deere pocket knife and started to cut away his eyelids.
But before he could get free, the mouse sparked, and burst into flame.
With his eyes still glued to the monitor, he tried to fight the fire that was spreading around him.
"My skin was melting. It was dripping off me like plastic melting. I realized I was in trouble," he said. "Even more trouble than reading this Bubba feller's attempts at humor." He grabbed his knife again.
"And I just jammed it into my eyeball, just like that, just started gouging and digging in there," he said. "I felt immediate relief, until my remaining eye strayed to one of Bubba's reviews. So I screamed and gouged out my other eye. Goddamn that felt good."
Badly burned and bleeding from his eyes, he ran outside in front of his house. At that moment, a firefighter passed by.
Firefighter Doug Spinks said, "I saw this guy with no eyes and burnt flesh, trailing a mouse cord, and knew immediately he'd been on ubersite. Third one this month."
Spinks told him a few jokes that were actually funny and called for help.
Parker said that Spinks saved his life by reminding him that humor still existed in the world.
"I'm just thankful I was there," Spinks said.
Now the man is moving on, and is not bitter about what happened.
"I made peace with it," he said. "Now that I'm blind, I'll never run the risk of reading another one of Bubba2341's unfunny reviews ever again. Praise Jesus."
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thats funny right there I don't care who you are. Lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies in New Guinea.
/LTCG
this guy wasnt badass, he was dumbass.
at least he and the lord and the corn picker made peace with it.
:(
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Actually, I just wept quietly to myself while I held on to the wall for about five minutes, before returning to finish the workout using solely my upper body, because I'm a man. The girl in lane two just kept swimming, and there was never a shared word between us.)
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Story of my life.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 17:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THAT'S NOTHING!
AP - A man has recovered enough to recount how he had to gouge out his own eyes to save his sanity.
The man explained that after he accidentally clicked on http://www.ubersite.com/u/Bubba2341, he had no choice.
"If I was going to die of boredom, I was going to put up a fight, and that's basically what I did," he said.
The man was working on his computer when he noticed a link to a web site he didn't recognize.
"I clicked on it and saw a bunch of shit that looked pretty harmless. I was about to leave when I accidentally rolled the cursor over username Bubba2341 and I must've clicked by accident. I read a few of his shitty posts and they were so goddamned awful I kind of went into shock or something," he said. "The more I tried to stop reading, the more his inane blather burrowed into my brain. It was like my intelligence shut down."
On his knees, eyes stuck to the monitor, he tried calling for help, but no one answered. "Would've probably passed out from lack of funny before anybody got here," he said.
His mind went numb and he made the decision to gouge his eyes out. He used a John Deere pocket knife and started to cut away his eyelids.
But before he could get free, the mouse sparked, and burst into flame.
With his eyes still glued to the monitor, he tried to fight the fire that was spreading around him.
"My skin was melting. It was dripping off me like plastic melting. I realized I was in trouble," he said. "Even more trouble than reading this Bubba feller's attempts at humor." He grabbed his knife again.
"And I just jammed it into my eyeball, just like that, just started gouging and digging in there," he said. "I felt immediate relief, until my remaining eye strayed to one of Bubba's reviews. So I screamed and gouged out my other eye. Goddamn that felt good."
Badly burned and bleeding from his eyes, he ran outside in front of his house. At that moment, a firefighter passed by.
Firefighter Doug Spinks said, "I saw this guy with no eyes and burnt flesh, trailing a mouse cord, and knew immediately he'd been on ubersite. Third one this month."
Spinks told him a few jokes that were actually funny and called for help.
Parker said that Spinks saved his life by reminding him that humor still existed in the world.
"I'm just thankful I was there," Spinks said.
Now the man is moving on, and is not bitter about what happened.
"I made peace with it," he said. "Now that I'm blind, I'll never run the risk of reading another one of Bubba2341's unfunny reviews ever again. Praise Jesus."
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-11-25 16:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-25 16:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That ain't nothing.
I was out on my morning run when some homeless woman decided to have a baby on the sidewalk.
I like to see you stand there nonchalantly as some life-form cannonballs out of an unkempt bush towards your face.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-25 16:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm more bad-ass than this guy.
Why, just this morning, I pulled a splinter out of my index finger using nothing more than a sewing needle, a blowtorch and plastic explosives.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-11-25 16:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No offence, but I think this dude had it worse than Ralston. This guy was fully conscious when he did his DIY amputation. Ralston was dehydrated and delirious, and admitted his hand was already dead. He probably felt very little, though I don't know.
Either way, they're both fucking hard. Fire all around me, flesh melting from my arm? That's a quick stab in the neck and a twist of the blade for me... 2 minutes to midnight.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-11-25 16:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is where newts pwn humans.
regeneration ftw!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-25 15:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pah, i've cut my arm of heaps of times
there's nothing to it - the whole thing is overated.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-25 15:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bovice (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
okay I dramatically overexaggerated but he's got his own wikipedia article so he's gotta be semi-famous
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aron_Ralston
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I read his book. After being trapped in the canyon for 3 or 4 days, drinking his own piss, hacking his own arm off, and hallucinating, he walks a few miles through all the canyons before he gets airlifted to the hospital.
Ralston wins.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
okay I dramatically overexaggerated but he's got his own wikipedia article so he's gotta be semi-famous
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aron_Ralston
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
some dude in Utah did that except he was trapped with his arm in a crevice and he spent two weeks or something trying to find the right leverage for his arm so he could snap the bone and then cut it off while he was starving to death
and I was thirty kilometers away happily camping
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, but when i make a poo it's epic in comparison
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pfft. this guy was way tougher. granted, the hard part was done for him.
http://www.johnsbook.net/main.php
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly how this guy feels. Last week I got a terrible calf cramp while I was swimming and, instead of simply slipping away and drowning, I decided to flail and bitch as loudly as I could so the other swimmers could pull my candy-ass out of the water, particularly the buxom thing in lane two, who had to adminster a kiss of life when I pretended I had some water in my lungs.
Yup. This is directly applicable.
(Actually, I just wept quietly to myself while I held on to the wall for about five minutes, before returning to finish the workout using solely my upper body, because I'm a man. The girl in lane two just kept swimming, and there was never a shared word between us.)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-25 14:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh come on you get stiched back up! Its all gravy baby.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a baby, that hurt.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not ONE of us has anything on this guy.
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Umm actually I once had a lumber puncture, that wins. Well ok it doesn't but it smarts a little.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-25 13:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OD