Jumped Up Bitches Get My Goat (816 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BillyGoat (View user info) at 2007-11-26 05:29:05 EST
A space finally opens up on aisle 23. I've been eyeing the cashier for what seems to be eternity as she makes her final checks before opening the till. She does take it oh so very seriously, twiddling that button, slotting the key, pressing this and that.
I'm fuming. It's not a bloody 747 love, get on with it!
The light finally turns on and the number 23 is illuminated to its full brilliance, giving me the green light to go, go, go. My cart carriers down the linoleum floor seemingly pulling me to the cashier, weaving through buggies, little snotty nosed children and their equally snooty lardy-dah parents. The trolley skids and I have to plant my foot down to achieve maximum traction before taking the frozen foods hairpin. Speed is momentarily lost at the hairpin and the extra time allows me to see an approaching rival darting and dodging down a perpendicular lane, towards the same till.
The gauntlet has been laid and I will not lose. So I rev it up to the max, give it an almighty push and skid and slide my way to the finish line. The trolley comes to a halt when it hits the sidebar on the conveyor ricocheting onto my belly. I wince a little, but a very satisfied voice in me shouts- I won! woo-hoo! fucking result! making it all better. My head is bobbing about, in time with the singsong and I'm grinning like a mother fucker.
Now I'm perfectly aware that I look like a twat behaving like this in a big supermarket. But you know what; they can look as much as they want coz I couldn't care less. I hate fucking queuing and I'll do anything to avoid waiting in line like a cabbage, breathing in the fumes of unwashed bodies on a Sunday afternoon.
I want them to keep staring, so they can feel the full force of their cowardliness. Secretly they are kicking themselves because it should have been them in this position. But oh no, it's all about dignity and etiquette, this side of town, so they just pretend not to be fussed. But I know that bitch eyeing me up is ready to fucking explode with envy.
Once I've finished setting the goods on the conveyor, I notice that the look on people's faces is not of envy, but it's of astonishment with a big dollop of disgust peppered by mild disbelief. It's at that moment when I feel warm breath diffusing across my shoulder blades. I had been too engrossed in my celebration to notice that someone was standing behind me.
I turn around. And blam! There she is, 5 foot of sag, giving me the dirtiest look ever. Yes, folks, I committed a cardinal sin in these here parts: I cut up an old lady and now she stands sombrely behind me.
Fuck, I am cornered and I know I can't get out of this situation with any kind of dignity. Now they are really lapping it up. No doubt, I will be the talk of the town around the dinner tables tonight. Sunday roast is going to be livelier than usual and I bet these cocksuckers are going to milk the story for all its worth.
So I try a little charm to soften the blow.
'Sorry madam, I didn't mean to...' I apologise sensing the crowds' eye on me
'It's alright, son, you obviously have somewhere important to go to, can't have an old lady hold you up, can you now?'
What was that you silly mare, I want to yell at her. Tell me off, please. Show them how much of a bad boy I have been, don't back down oh please. Come on you pathetic little c..
I shake my head, feeling slightly deflated at her ineptitude to tell me off.
I try and hurry the cashier by looking at the watch and making those inpatient noises. She notices and asks if I need some help with the packing. And then it hit me. Let her do the packing, so I can stay that bit longer, so that the mob-yes the mob- know that I'm not ashamed of what I did. In fact I have no reason to be.
So I say yes, yes lady I need help with the shopping, and in fact you know what, why don't you do everything, totalling up and packing. So I stand back, smug as a kite [God knows what the correct simile is] and let her do all the work.
Oh I can feel the heat now. What were a few murmurings are now audible four letter tirades. What were twitches have turned into accusations, expressed as flailing arms in my general direction. But I take it in my stride - cool as a cucumber.
Fuck you! Who the hell are you to judge me, you pampered assholes?
The old lady that was standing behind me has given up and gone to the next isle where some goody two shoes-yogurt knitter has offered her to skip the queue. Maybe she thought I'd be ashamed.
Far from it love. Far from it.
Meanwhile the cashier has rung up the total. Her face has that disapproving look that demands some explanation as to what I think I'm doing. I look at it and don't give it the time of day. I pay up and make my way to the exit.
But before I leave, I point to the little slogan situated above the exit that reads "try something new today". The irony is completely lost on them, and I don't waste my breath trying to explain. I pick up my shopping and tell them collectively to fuck off.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-28 14:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-28 14:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-27 23:33:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 03:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Serving the public destroys your will to live
-----
This is true. Customer Service made me hate people. I can barely answer the phone at home without shuddering.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-27 18:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
guy pushing trolley: don't worry love i'll hose you down <nudge,nudge, wink wink>
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 18:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha below
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-27 16:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
caption: fuck that Bombay badboy was hot!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 04:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That lady in the trolley appears to be surrounded by Pot Noodles.
Numb bum is an occupational hazard btw.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-27 04:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
if i had that in my cart, id rush too.
before it makes up its mind...
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-27 03:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wouldn't either, my bum is too sensitive. it would be numb in less than an hour
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 03:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely as usual.
I took work as a cashier while pregnant. If I had stayed longer than 9 months, I would have turned into one bitter, mean person. Serving the public destroys your will to live.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-11-26 13:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-11-26 13:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:30:22 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just discovered that post 113377 has a rating of 1.33 on 7 reviews.
You may also be interested to know that, at one point, post 1337 had the same rating: 1.33 on 7 reviews.
That really is quite leet isn't it?
jesus christ.
get a life cock boy.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. i'm going to try this out tonight.
Submitted by SanDee (user info) at 2007-11-26 08:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
especially the \"5 foot of sag\"....
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-26 07:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just discovered that post 113377 has a rating of 1.33 on 7 reviews.
You may also be interested to know that, at one point, post 1337 had the same rating: 1.33 on 7 reviews.
That really is quite leet isn't it?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-26 07:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw. I came.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i conquer
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But of course, except for when he's not, Phallic's always right.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Phallic's right.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-26 06:37:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes, Our Usual
Shopping Hijinks On Unbearable 'Line Days': A
Rant's Actually Productive. Enraged Diatribes
Help Everyone Relax
Did you get any subliminal messages from the above response?
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-26 05:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i've always wanted to use the self checkout tills but i always think i'm gonna fuck up and will require the help of said pimply 15 year old, who will be undoubtedly laughing his ass off.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-26 05:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lines, or queues if you must, are truly annoying. I have a little theory that states that we only age while waiting.
In my local supermarket there is a self-checkout lane. Since it is practically impossible for the average supermarket patron to figure out how to/be bothered to scan their discount card, weigh produce and enter a code designating what the produce is, scan barcodes on packaged items, bag their groceries, acknowledge a total, pay by tucking cash or a credit card into a slot, and leave the store all without the help of a pimply 15-year-old, I use that lane and very rarely wait.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-11-26 05:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll let you do my shopping too.