Shitty Gifts (793 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.27 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryuu.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-11-26 14:06:06 EST
After reading loki's latest post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/113362), I got to thinking about all of the lousy, lackluster, lamentable lame gifts I've been the not-so-proud recipient of...
Christmas - SNES version of Mechwarrior 3050
Terrible. The only game I had my heart set on was NBA Live 97 and my jerk uncle stuck me with this awkward robot game that I'd never even heard of. I'm sure it was the same ridiculous $50 as all of the other new Super Nintendo games so why did my mother's brother stick me with this? Do both of us a favor next time - give me $20 instead and call it even. You won't need to chase out to fail and I won't need to cry after opening such a disappointing gift. I know it's the thought that counts and since you didn't think, it doesn't count.
Birthday - NES version of Yoshi's Cookie
What young, heterosexual boy in his early gaming days would want to indulge himself in a puzzle game? Not I, says the young, heterosexual boy in his early gaming days. This cart got sufficient playing time logged into it, but that was merely because I could annihilate Karate Kid and Karnov playing blindfolded with one hand wrestling a crocodile. The only thinking I should have to do is finding the sniper rifle or perfecting Ryu's hadoken fireball, you know what I'm sayin'?
Birthday - Nature Walk
On a warm summer morning, when the sun was threatening to bake the great outdoors in just a few hours, my wonderful girlfriend decided that on my twenty-first birthday that it would be a fantastic present to drive to St. Croix State Park in Wisconsin and...fucking walk around. While in normal circumstances, this wouldn't be such a bad thing, that day happened to be an exception. You see, readers, it'd been a gorgeous week to be a basketball player in Minnesota and I'd played my ass off every day after work. So much playing, in fact, that my shoes were starting to fall apart, becoming soleless (get it?!) and very unkind to the bottom of my feet. When I took my disgusting shoes and socks off on the night prior to my birthday, the bottom of my feet looked like they'd been doing some hardcore shuffle dancing on top of a cheese grater. Consequently, walking around any more than was absolutely necessary made me a very angry human being. The nature walk did not go well.
Christmas - Shirts from my Uncle Ray and Aunt Pat
I have one younger brother and two older brothers. My Uncle Ray and Aunt Pat would get us shirts every year. Four boys, one type of shirt. We were lucky on the years where they actually picked out different sizes of the shirt! These were not normal, decent shirts, either. They were the tackiest things a person could possibly find. Send in ten Ramen box tops, get four shirts FREE! And of course every year on Christmas that we'd drive an hour over to visit them, we'd have to wear the shirts. A quartet of retards clad in the same shirt. A-fucking-dorable.
Christmas - Spongebob Crap
Somehow, word got out that I mildly enjoyed watching Spongebob Squarepants during the time that I spent living with two of my younger cousins. Everyone that knew me jumped on this bandwagon, threw off the horse that was pulling it, fist raped it and then loaded it up with Spongebobesque junk and gift wrapped it for me. True story. Over the course of just a few years, I've received no less than the following: Spongebob boxers, a Spongebob blanket, a battery-operated talking Spongebob, four stuffed Spongebob toys, Spongebob candy, Spongebob air fresheners, Spongebob car floor mats and a Spongebob snow globe. The horse is dead, folks. I realize that you don't like me so please don't bother getting me anything.
Birthday - Unicycle
If you don't believe that a bad birthday present can alter the personality of a thirteen year old boy, forever scarring his soul and corrupting his sunny disposition, you yourself have never received a unicycle for your thirteenth birthday. I remember sneaking into my parents' room when they were gone with one of my older brothers and finding the large box it came in. Since there were no other upcoming child birthdays until December, it looked like I was fucked. Again, I found myself with tears trickling down my pouting face, trying to convince myself that this hideous one-wheeled vehicle, rode by freaks with big feet, red noses and drinking problems was not to be my fate. I was wrong. My parents tried explaining later on after I'd opened it that they gave me a unicycle for my birthday because "We thought it would give you a challenge", but reading between the lines, I knew it meant "We don't love you anymore, get a job and move out."
User Reviews
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-11-28 15:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea why this got such crappy ratings, especially compared to most of the shite being posted lately. It was short, to the point, amusing, and the last one on the unicycle made me laugh out loud. +2.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-28 14:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where is this icarus? you're in st. paul I'm in Madison WI some other kid is in milwaukee. there are actually a few sconnies on here. I think there was a female sconny on here too. Ubercon madison? fun city to drink and have frivilous fun. I'd offer my couch/floor/air mattress.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, the post was supposed to be more for fun than anything else. I didn't throw a fit for any of the gifts that I got and at least attempted to feign happiness. I didn't stop to realize how much pent-up childhood angst would surface from the folks reviewing. Christ!
I live in St. Paul. It's a whopping SIX degrees here right now. Going to take a break from work soon, go out to the parking lot and steal shit from people's cars by using my erect nipples to cut through their windows.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 08:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Unicycles are terrible and the people that ride them are freaks.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-27 07:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-27 00:40:02 GMT (#)
Ranking: -1
You whiny little bitch!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-27 07:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just how excited did you get......
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-27 07:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For my 7th Birthday party my dad kicked me out for being too excited. My friends carried on with the party whilst I stood outside watching.
Submitted by OscarZAcosta (user info) at 2007-11-27 06:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For my 11th Birthday I got a wrap of speed, man I was the lucky one on our block, my friend Pierre, he got an ounce of peanut butter, times were tough. Fucking smooth peanut butter, I mean who the FUCK eats that.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 03:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-11-26 22:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-26 22:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh YEAH?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82313
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-26 19:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You filthy, whiny whore. You know what I fucking got on my twelfth birthday?? World War 2. You try explaining that one to your classmates, you dirty, slimy tramp.
Classmate: I got Leggo Pirates for MY birthday! What'd you get?
Lil' Icarus: Hitler.
So what part of MN/WI you in? Not too many of us on here.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-26 19:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You whiny little bitch!
For my 11th birthday, it got to 5pm before i'd recieved anything and i was moping around when mom came up and said "i bet you're wondering what you get for this birthday".
My eyes lit up, she grabbed my hand and said "you get your parents undying love".
Little did i know the Tax office had miscalculated mom's casual rate and we owed $3000 in extra tax that we did not have. We didn't go to the beach that christmas and all i got for my birthday was "undying love". Apparently mom cried herself to sleep for a few weeks after that birthday and i ended up getting a slot car set, but still...
I wouldve KILLED for a fucking unicycle.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-26 19:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Method's Mom once owned a unicycle. She used to take the seat off and ride it down bumpy streets.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-26 19:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You, sir, are an ungrateful little bitch.
This was fairly entertaining to read, however.
bitch.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-26 16:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for whining.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you're a spoiled little cunt aren't you?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was ten when my grandmother sent me and my brother these matching radio/walkly talkies for christmas. Fucking excellent right? A radio AND walky that attaches to a boy's best freind? My grandma never really was in touch with cartoons but you'd think that being pink and purple would have clued her in to the fact that two boys were not going to be overly excited to get heffalump or some shit radio thingies. don't remember what exactly they were but they were promptly exchanged. g-ma had the right idea they were just too fucking girly. ah the 80s.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-26 15:16:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess if you said "I want a video game", then the disappointment rests with you for poorly communicating your wants. If you said "I want *this particular* video game", then the disappointment is on your benefactors for ignoring your wishes. Either way though, as you have pointed out, a disappointed one is you. Funny old thing, life: It's what you make it.
"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And find somebody who's life has given them vodka, and have a party." - Ron White
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course I told people what I wanted! Christmas and your birthday serve as two annual reminders when you're young to get used to disappointment because that's what life is about. A disappointing job, a disappointing spouse and finally disappointing kids that you can buy unicycles for.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you ever tell anyone what you wanted for your presents? See, 'cos that goes a long way in helping them decide what to buy. Or at least have them check with Uncle Kreskin.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
already planning my yearly trip to Goodwill
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah man, I don't know if I'm getting asshole reviewers or if it's really that bad. Schlongy's always good for a -2 but other than that...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tough crowd today, man.
i'm still on vacation. time for more wine.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At least you didn't get a "Bag of Broken Glass".
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh?
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-26 13:14:54 CST (#)
Ranking: -2
Now, you can start another list.
Call it "Shitty Posts" and use this one as "exhibit A".
----------------------
Ya, what he said.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Now, you can start another list.
Call it "Shitty Posts" and use this one as "exhibit A".
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
A loki-esque post sucks but you aren't loki...sooo...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-26 14:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When are you going to buy the rest of the bike?
http://stupid-ideas.blogspot.com/2004/11/things-not-to-do-on-unicycle.html