Tantric rape, quiet women and small plastic bags (2672 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.75 on 123 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Berty (View user info) at 2007-11-27 09:13:52 EST
I've often wondered whether it would be a good idea to just make a film that was a three hour gun battle with kung fu and stylish posing with firearms and BLAT BLAT BLAT as the dude's poncing along, heads exploding and wibbly bits on the floor.
No plot. No real characters, just a 3 hour gratuitous gun battle.
Then I remembered the internet and went looking for something similar to see if were any good, I found those Madness flash animations on NewGrounds and quite frankly it was wank.
In a way it's sort of like spending an entire day in bed screwing your girlfriend. It seems like the best thing to do other and it is pretty sweet for a while, but 4 hours later your tired, your dick hurts, the bedding is screwed up into a giant knot, your hungry and you're both covered in itchy bodily fluids. Worst though is that it's boring. But maybe that was just 'cause that girl couldn't suck cock for toffee? I don't know. I've read stories about guys abducting girls of the street and subjecting them to a "24 hour sexual assault" and I was just like; 'fuck man, how can they do that? Don't they just want to sit down for a bit and watch telly for a while? Maybe read a book or just have a fucking conversation maybe?'.
The only conclusion one can draw is that these weird motherfuckers are some sort of tantric rapists. Beat the woman over the back of the head, chuck her in the back of the van, drive to the loockup, pull down her pants, jam a dildo up there whilst she's groggy and then spend the rest of the afternoon stroking yourself and saying "ommmm". Personally I'd be happier playing Mass Effect and smoking cigarettes, but then I guess I'm an unimaginative guy.
They say ('they' meaning old wives prone to telling tales) that variety is the spice of life but the more life I get the more I disagree. I think tedious monotony is the spice of life. Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
Doubtlessly you disagree and for you people hurling yourselves over the top of your ruts and into no man's land, braving the machine guns of uncertainty and the mortars of calamity is where you thrive. Good luck to you I say, but does that mean there's something wrong with me? Is it normal to be so complacent?
I dunno. When I was a kid all I wanted to be when I grew up was comfortable and free of hassles, but I was a child of divorce so maybe that's just me. Maybe that's what happens to all kids whose parents split; they become boring wastrels. I never had any ambition, which is probably why I'm so bad at everything.
It's weird, whenever I go wandering around in the real world I see similar people. Other men of various ages with daft hair and clutching small plastic bags (that's how you spot us, the bags) shuffling around trying desperately to get back to their bolt holes and away from this terrible maelstrom of the unknown that is the outside world. It's always men as well, these weird semi-hermits. I occasionally see blimp like women who may be in the same boat, but they're never on their own.
I reckon they never leave the house, women like that. Sometimes I fantasise about this vast, untapped sexual resource of quite women. Now that'd be a woman I really COULD lie about in bed fucking for 8 hours, just as long as now and then we could take a break so I could go back to Supreme Commander and she can do her jigsaws or whatever. Two people living in their own worlds, just nice and close together so they could go and visit whenever they wanted to.
They don't exist though, they're as real as the Easter bunny. You've got three kinds of women in the world: regular women, fat and unhappy women and screwed up women (which comprises rape victims, skag heads and general crazies, all of whom can be found in nightclubs).
That's not true actually. There are quiet women, they're just all married. See, unlike guys who're either perfectly regular or are born with bits missing from the inside of their heads women progress into that state. They have monotony thrust upon them and many can't handle it. Heck, most guys can't handle it (hence all the suicides) so they start buzzing and thinking and before long BAM! Off they go into university or some other guys bed or something and that's that. Some love it though, and find it to their liking.
That's cool and all but dang, it don't half mean that quiet women are older. I have no beef with older women, they generally have all sorts of amazing qualities, but sometimes you can't help but stare over at some space and want it to be filled with some pink, fresh, ripe, flesh that wants nothing to do with the world or life as we know it.
That ain't what any of us really want though. I guess we've all got our places, out parts to play. A man who's a recluse just wants to solitude and quiet, same as a lady recluse. I just wish it was cheaper to rent a van, a lockup and Sting's Tibetan Chants on DVD is all.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-15 15:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was performing a search for the word "small," hoping to come up with a post I'd never seen before...
This was at the top of the bunch.
You're an odd duck, by the by. And I mean that in the best way possible.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty old Chap,
I'm still around....this is the first time in months I've had a chance to be bored and look at this site. Engineering, booze, and rugby consume my life :(
Submitted by MrTangent (user info) at 2007-11-30 01:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic article. I enjoy your writing immensely.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2007-11-29 20:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with you Berty. I haven't been outside in three days and don't plan to for two more, when I'll have to buy some food or start eating the furniture. I don't even want to go out on the balcony.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 22:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the very same, none other than Imran Khan, the bowling all-rounder who lead the pakis to world cup victory
then in retirement married some sort of minor arsistrocarat called jiemmimeia
then got mixed up in poliitics
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-28 14:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 08:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Lion Lahore... Isn't that that chap what made a rather inspirational speech to the BBC whilst he was on the run in Pakistan? I think he was arrested a week or two ago.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-28 08:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm game for building it (i have a variety of small and large hammers), whatcha got?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-11-28 07:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this why you eat Mushy Peas? Something to do with maintaining mediocrity because it's safe.
For some reason mate I was convinced you were older than me. Now I'm all sad and old feeling. I did actually have a point when I first pressed review but I can't remember what it was now so I'm just going to make a cup of tea instead.
Oh and does anyone know someone who can make something that I've just invented? It's amazing, you'll love it, but I can't work tools. Short fingers, you see :(
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 07:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
righto then, i revert to my previous statement
WE NEED MORE INDIANS, SRI LANKANS OR EVEN PAKIS
people who understand the difference between the Lion of Lahore and the Rawalpindi Express.
PEOPLE WHO CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT IFRAN PATHAN'S MYSTERIOUS OMISSION.
actually, the Lion of Lahore has been in a spot of bother lately. last i heard he was either in hiding or on a hunger strike.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 06:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Also whenever I dance with young, white, american women the extreme right become very upset. So I feel vindicated in using words like 'babylon' and refering to my own feet as a seperate entity, e.g. "Me feet is needing some socks, Babylon."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 05:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll have you know I'm distinctly Norman and consider myself a representative of all ethnic minorities everywhere, even the Welsh.
So there.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 05:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the lion of lahore?
any true paki would instantly understand the reference
you're exposed, bertram - you are nothing but a swarthy anglosaxon
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 05:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lions and whores? Hmmm...
Terror and bashfulness?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 05:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, i'm still not convinced of your paki credentials
here's a test: what do lions and whores mean to you?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 05:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought you were just a bit swarthy
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 04:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 03:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BUT YOU ARE A PAKI???????!!!!???
--------------------------------
I should have thought the answer to that was obvious.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-28 03:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BUT YOU ARE A PAKI???????!!!!???
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-28 03:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what about pets?
what's the role of pets in all this?
------------------------------------
Er, what's the word... surrogate? Like as in a surrogate child or wife? No, surely that would mean using its womb.
I guess to say that it's companionship and a bond where ordinarily you'd have a person, but I'm not really a 'pet' person.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-28 02:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-27 22:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the bit about tedious monotony. It resonated quite well with some thoughts I've been having lately.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-11-27 21:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what about pets?
what's the role of pets in all this?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-27 19:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wunhunded
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-27 18:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-11-27 17:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For this:
Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-11-27 17:48:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is way existential.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 17:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113419
remember darling, you like me.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-27 16:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to know us ladies fit into such easy catergories.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:12:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow I guess
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...And, just because I'm camping here and there ain't a good gawdamned thing anyone can do about it, I'd like to mention that I just bought the Puscifer album.
Fucking Sweet.
Seriously, this is like the personal soundtrack to my wet dreams.
I also had NO idea that Maynard used to be a soldier long, long ago.
Makes sense, though.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
vagina is stretchy and will mold to fit the penis. loads of men are slightly curved for various reasons in some direction or another. sometimes even diagonally!
you can still work with it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:09:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not son's older friend?
what have you done to the younger one?
===
All sorts of things. O:)
----------------
HERE'S TO YOU, MRS. ROBINSON
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have nothing of worth to add to this.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not much to tell except it looked like a banana, but not upwards, more... rightwards :( I wasn't quite sure how to handle it as well, considering my mouth doesn't also curve to the right, nor does my vagina, unfortunately
he didn't even forewarn me, just dropped his pants and expected me to act as though it was perfectly normal
-----------------------------
Well according to channel four the best thing to do is to screw sideways and use the curvature to get at the G spot whilst using the curve of the base to stimulate the clitoris.
Channel Four knows everything.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I realize, before even typing this, that NO ONE wants to hear this, but my little (emphasis on little here) fellow used to curve a bit to the side.
It doesn't anymore and I don't really know why...
Sweet mysteries o' life.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright if I must be perfectly honest my last few sexual encounters were entirely unsatisfactory, one had a severely curved penis and another said 'fuck' with every. single. thrust. occasionally tossing in a 'fuck my cock, fuck it hard' for variety
and now you know.
********************************
...And knowing is half the battle.
G.I.JOE!!!
WOOOT!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 13:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet. 4:30 pm, camwhore of berty, comin up.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not much to tell except it looked like a banana, but not upwards, more... rightwards :( I wasn't quite sure how to handle it as well, considering my mouth doesn't also curve to the right, nor does my vagina, unfortunately
he didn't even forewarn me, just dropped his pants and expected me to act as though it was perfectly normal
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I hereby grant you carte blanche Katy, whatever that means.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and he's completely ignoring the question so i'm assuming that's a no.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Canadian, actually... we're only slightly smarter but our accents are prettier
-------------------------------------------
Ace. Tell us more about the bendy bone you found, that sounds like a funny story.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well i'm not allowed to without permission.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good show bertrand
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DO IT INION, DO IT!!
WOOO BERTYWhore!!!
I may be a bit too lonely....
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Canadian, actually... we're only slightly smarter but our accents are prettier
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
At this rate we're going to have to make a cardboard mask of my own face for Ballare.
haha do it!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't find my fucking pants fuck I gotta go to work where are they?
---------------------
Ah, an American. Well bang goes another relationship.
Probably for the best really, cucumber is a horrible food.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're not ugly berty.
post the picture. if you won't, do i have permission to?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't find my fucking pants fuck I gotta go to work where are they?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is an awesome picture of me. I almost looked heroic in the picture..
At this rate we're going to have to make a cardboard mask of my own face for Ballare.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was that an invitation to do a camwhore for you? i gave you such a lovely picture and you haven't posted it. why not?
ps ballare - he's got good hair. your kids would be well proud of their mops.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE cucumber!
Alright if I must be perfectly honest my last few sexual encounters were entirely unsatisfactory, one had a severely curved penis and another said 'fuck' with every. single. thrust. occasionally tossing in a 'fuck my cock, fuck it hard' for variety
and now you know.
---------------------------------------------
Someone should do a post about curly cocks.
*stares at Inion*
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wettings and knighthoods maybe.
:D
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to know the story behind that conclusion about whiskey.
----------------------------------
Why? How could it possibly end happily? It is not a story that ends with weddings and knighthoods.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE cucumber!
Alright if I must be perfectly honest my last few sexual encounters were entirely unsatisfactory, one had a severely curved penis and another said 'fuck' with every. single. thrust. occasionally tossing in a 'fuck my cock, fuck it hard' for variety
and now you know.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to know the story behind that conclusion about whiskey.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Also I don't drink Whisky. It makes you incontenent.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright Ballare, I know I said casual but you seem about as excited as if I'd offered you a half eaten sandwich consisting entirely of cucumber.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha Berty I thought you wrote, 'chocked full of whiskey'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get why people think I'm old, I'm 24. I'm not even a cynic, I am chocked full of whimsy.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like monotony... fully committed to it. Just looking for someone to be monotonous with..
sigh
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shouldn't be too hard
the sex, I mean
his penis too I suppose
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well that's good. you'll only owe him a tenner for performance.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah he offered first
I don't mind, I'm not completely unfortunate looking
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he's young and virile.
or at least young.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if ballare's offering i do believe the right thing to do would be accept graciously and leave £20 on the nightstand.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
--
Come to think of it, me too. However, I am not a blimp-like woman.
-------------------
Wicked. We should do casual sex and stuff.
----
Maybe, if you're not dinosauresque in age.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty wrote this:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1790416
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Accident.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:08:19 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The more time I waste on this site, the more awesome you appear to be.
I just +2ed a blog?
Whatever.
---------------------
Shucks.
Also I am not clear on what the current deffinition of a blog is these days. I thought it was like a diary, but online and read by people. Is it different now? Is it now the meaningless plastering of one's thoughts across the internet?
Dang. I'm gonna need a new shtick.
-----------
Man, I don't even know. You just gotta keep on keepin' on, or whatever it is the kids are saying these days.
Oh, and have casual sex with Ballare. Have you read some of her horror styled short stories? I bet she's kinky.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not son's older friend?
what have you done to the younger one?
===
All sorts of things. O:)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The more time I waste on this site, the more awesome you appear to be.
I just +2ed a blog?
Whatever.
---------------------
Shucks.
Also I am not clear on what the current deffinition of a blog is these days. I thought it was like a diary, but online and read by people. Is it different now? Is it now the meaningless plastering of one's thoughts across the internet?
Dang. I'm gonna need a new shtick.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
--
Come to think of it, me too. However, I am not a blimp-like woman.
-------------------
Wicked. We should do casual sex and stuff.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-11-27 12:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The more time I waste on this site, the more awesome you appear to be.
I just +2ed a blog?
Whatever.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
--
Come to think of it, me too. However, I am not a blimp-like woman.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not son's older friend?
what have you done to the younger one?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hadley- She knows me as her older son's friend of many years. If she had any idea, she'd probably pray the rosary until she figured out a way to get a restraining order.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm a big fan of the a boring life, quite possibly because mine was never that way as a child but I don't think that is the case because i remember even back then longing for ease and order.
I equate my polar opposites (read: my mom, sister, and pretty much any female I know and a lot of the males) to hurricanes. They blow in, fuck shit up, and blow out again.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I should have put a cartoon at the bottom. I shall do that next time.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to recap...things are fun in moderation.
quite revolutionary
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Married? Am...bition?
I'm over 30 and the closest I am to marriage at the moment is occasionally waking up next to a 22 year old who is never going to be Mr Sacrilicious.
-----
His mom won't sign the permission slip?
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2007-11-27 11:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your style.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think tedious monotony is the spice of life. Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
_____________________
I agree utterly and unreservedly.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes you have to go to really extreme measures to have something so small and comforting.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forced myself to finish reading this and my initial presumption was off to a degree. This was like fictional blogging which I'm not certain if it's worse or better. For the benefit of the doubt and for the non-feigned ignorance I will bump you a point. Don't make me regret it, sir.
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Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the title, but the rest was just http://www.blogspot.com rubbish. Everyone here knows this but are reluctant to tell you lest you tongue lash them, asserting your internet nobility on them, and effectively drowning us in your Peter North-like glob of man knowledge. You dig?
===========================
*stares into camera, voiceover done by much older Berty*
It was then that I realised just how much Sacrilicious looked like Winnie Cooper and my entire online career collapsed into pervese 'The Wonder Years' fanfic.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forced myself to finish reading this and my initial presumption was off to a degree. This was like fictional blogging which I'm not certain if it's worse or better. For the benefit of the doubt and for the non-feigned ignorance I will bump you a point. Don't make me regret it, sir.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the title, but the rest was just http://www.blogspot.com rubbish. Everyone here knows this but are reluctant to tell you lest you tongue lash them, asserting your internet nobility on them, and effectively drowning us in your Peter North-like glob of man knowledge. You dig?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, I think he's the bees knees.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
It's only forbidden if you get caught.
Then again, all that rage has to come from somewhere, might as well be from sexual frustration (something I understand ALL too well).
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 10:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot of women seem to be born craving stability and the long term. There is probably some sort of reason going back to cave dwelling times but I can't be bothered to look it up.
You remind me of my "husband."
-------------------------------------------------
Awww, you must love your husband a lot.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot of women seem to be born craving stability and the long term. There is probably some sort of reason going back to cave dwelling times but I can't be bothered to look it up.
You remind me of my "husband."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CJ, interesting factoid: It is forbidden for Shaolin monks to touch women. THat is why Kitara always beat Liu Kang, even though he was much better than her.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Send pics to yeastmonkey.at.hotmail.com please Circe. It's a good idea though, always best to keep it in the Commonwealth.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He does. She is one tall blonde thin terrifying woman. She scares the shit out of me. I'm, you know, short and round and decidedly peasant-looking, and she's a fucking Valkyrie after the Atkins diet.
*I* have a sister though. She's pretty awesome and she smells nice. And she has freckles across her nose and big blue eyes and she laughs at all my jokes.
I can send her over for you, if you can give me a day you'll be home. I'd hate for her to sit on the front step in a box for hours on end.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*nods head serenely*
Perhaps, Qui-Chang-Berty.
Still, I bet Shaolins get the MAD poonannie.
Bhuddists prolly just sit in the lotus position all day thinking about ways to commit auto-felatio.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have momentarily ran out of things to say to the humans, but they need to know i was here in case they get lonely or scared or confused.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, i enjoyed this a lot.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CJ it is the difference between Buddhist monks who seek enlightenment through contemplation and simple, peaceful acts and Shaolin monks who seek enlightenment through acts of incredibal violence. It's just two different paths to being a fat, bald dude in a towel.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd marry Circe but her Husband is Dutch and I just can't compete with that. I mean the guy can speak 4 languages, earn big money and my funniest joke is nothing compared to him simply saying the word "Intestine" in a Dutch accent.
Circe, does he have a sister or something?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Death is life! NOISE! WOOO!"
GET OUT OF MY HEAD DAMN YOU!!!
:)
Seriously, you don't get off on being scared outta your wits? My, you just don't know what you're missing...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been out of town for the last three weekends.
I am looking forward to a weekend of drinking myself blind witht he same old friends telling the same old stories and having the only "new" thing be whichever movie I decide to live through with my big screen.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I aspire to be like you, Berty. I'm growing my hair out and smoking a lot more.
Soon.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's what I mean CJ. You're an ACTION MAN! If anyone was going to be involved in a three hour gun battle for no reason at all it'd be you, and you'd love it. Me, I'd be all "Oh man, this is dangerous and I might get my Goddamn BALLS blown off! I'd better hide" but you'd be all like "Death is life! NOISE! WOOO!"
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O-man has obviously whiled away many hours thinking about this...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Any tantric rapist worth his or her salt should listen to Sting's "Desert Rose" on loop throughout the 24 hour period. I dream of raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayeyayayyyyyyne....
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Married? Am...bition?
I'm over 30 and the closest I am to marriage at the moment is occasionally waking up next to a 22 year old who is never going to be Mr Sacrilicious.
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You've just got to get some friends together and do a sort of ghosts of christmas routine on him, only instead of Christmas it'd be his life without you in it, all cold and vacant and smelling of unwashed dishes.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think tedious monotony is the spice of life. Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
_____________________
I agree utterly and unreservedly.
Even though you no longer acknowledge me.
Oh woe.
-------------------------------
When I was talking about there being no quiet women I thought "hang on, what about Circe? Ah, but she's married though. Been married for years to maniacs and dutchmen." and that's what prompted the next paragraph. YOU my dear, are the ultimate woman whom all men should aspire to be like. Women, of course, should aspire to be like me. Then the world would be sorted.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+Fucking2 Tantric Rape
...
But, you knew that was coming, didn't you?
Also, quiet normality is all well and good for some, but not I.
No, I'm not really happy unless there's something unpredictable/chaotic going on.
Of course, when there's nothing like that actually happening, I get these terrible urges to CAUSE them...which is one reason why I can't go back to Japan.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty accurate Skrappy. I have the soul and lung capacity of an old, cancerous man.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think tedious monotony is the spice of life. Whenever I've had lengthily periods of tedious monotony I have awoken with a smile and been filled with a sense of enormous well-being, safe in the knowledge that nothing terrible and/or upsetting was going to happen. When different things are going on all I can think about is how tired and cold I am.
_____________________
I agree utterly and unreservedly.
Even though you no longer acknowledge me.
Oh woe.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Married? Am...bition?
I'm over 30 and the closest I am to marriage at the moment is occasionally waking up next to a 22 year old who is never going to be Mr Sacrilicious.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I read your stuff, I picture it being spoken by a mid-50's guy in a gravelly been-smoking-unfiltered-Pall-Malls-since-he-was-15 voice, bit of 2-day stubble, old weatherbeaten hat. No music is playing and the air is heavy with stale smoke and beer. He's been drinking since 9:00 am and it's now 3:00 am. He's the only one left in the bar and he's just realized something that he thinks needs to be told to someone.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubersite is my nightclub.
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You're a married woman aren't you? It wouldn't matter anyway you have ambitions and plans. We'd be terrible for each other, and our children would be hideous.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I overslept and was 2 hours late for work. My plea for a raise is looking like it's going to be in trouble.
but YES! I went out there, looked at them walking around on their legs with their marvelous bodies and terrible outfits! They look majestic from afar but mount the kerb, drive up to them and look them in the eye and you SEE, you SEE just how cheap and scared they really are!
Also their arses jiggle with too much celulite when they run, still what else can you expect from women shopping at 10:45 in the morning?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubersite is my nightclub.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-27 09:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you been outside today yet Berty?