cunt (787 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 1.59 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by briokid666.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2007-11-29 00:27:01 EST
Dancehall
I stepped out of the club to light a cigarette and escape the pressure of the crowd for a moment. The night was cold and overcast, and few people were on the sidewalks. A bum dressed in many layers of ratty coats strode by and offered to sell me a handmade sweater-cap.
"Sorry, man, I'm broke as all fuck." I lied.
I had plenty of money, but happy hour was over inside and I only had enough left to get maybe four good stiff drinks.
What a bastard.
This guy is actually doing something for the handouts that others only beg for, and I waved him off for a couple vodka sours.
I was craving sour drinks that night for some reason. Usually I'm a straight brown liquor man, but girl drinks were just too appetizing, like when you usually enjoy a thick t-bone, but for some reason you just want to order that mandarin salad. Or when you're scanning through the radio and you leave it on the gayest song ever. And then a minute into it, you realize what you're listening to and change it in a homophobic panic.
The bum offered his wares to the guy working the door, who promptly bought one for five bucks and put it on, glaring at me sarcastically. The bum wandered off to the unforgiving dark.
"Thanks for making me look like the dick, Buddy." His name really was Buddy, by the way.
"You are a dick, I know you ain't broke, and you don't even have a hat on."
"You make a good point, but never mistake a bum for an entreprenuer." I replied, "That guy might've just run a scam on you."
"Oh well, I would buy this thing in a store for five bucks...dick."
"Go to hell."
I strolled up the sidewalk and watched people crawling over the city for a while. A young fat man sat in a brightly lit deli and crammed a vegetarian sub into his maw. Poor deprived dieters. A middle-aged couple walked toward me, leading a toy dog on an extending leash. I could tell they were married by the way they avoided physical contact with each other. They passed by me and stared straight ahead, bypassing any greetings I might've had to offer. I smiled and nodded at them to no response. I even for a moment pondered passing between them to show what kind of rift had fallen between them, but thought better of it when I realized the potential of a violent confrontation.
A silver car crept by with a low whine and turned left in front of me when I got to the next cross street. The window rolled down and a pretty blonde stuck her head out. She had an older looking man with her. They were listening to really generic dance music, probably on the radio. There was a glittering sticker on the rear bumper that read "Roxy."
"Hi, do you know where Main street is?" She asked and bit her lip.
I froze up for a second at her unbearably cute mannerism,but recovered in time to say
"Up two streets, it's the one with train tracks running down it, it's the only two-way."
"Railroad tracks?"
"Yeah, they built some crazy rail system through the middle of downtown for commuters and shit. It's called 'Lightrail.'"
"Wierd. Well, thanks, bye."
"No problem."
I kept walking and thinking of all the things I should've and could've said to her. Why the fuck do girls go after the dumbass with the shiny car and loud stereos playing god-awful music? Why won't a girl ever come up to the guy wearing a black hoodie standing near the back with a notebook under his arm? But I know deep down that it's not the girl who won't come to me, it's me that refuses to go to the girl. It's my fault that the assholes that like stupid music and never read a book in their lives are the ones that approach the pretty girls. One day, a beautiful green-eyed girl with a bettie paige haircut and a plaid skirt will come up to me while I 'm writing at the bar and say something like, "I can't stop looking at you, can I give you a handjob in the bathroom and then take you home?" That would be the shit. I walked southbound on Fannin street and watched my black suede shoes try to step exactly between every crack.
I needed another drink, so I made another turn and headed back to the club.
I nodded to Buddy and headed inside. The club I like to frequent plays dancehall, hip-hop, and reggae beats, mostly underground stuff. It's actually an underground club, below street level. I walked in the front door and headed down the spiral stairs toward the guy behind the register. The pulsating beat and drowning basslines got louder as I made my way down. The porous black walls were coated with flyers and schedules, and the steps were sticky with spilled drinks.
I held up my stamped hand as I passed the cash register and made a beeline to the bar. The red, green, and white spotlights danced about over the DJ booth, occasionally catching me dead on as if I were escaping from a party prison. Black girls did slow skanks with their heads lolling around and their eyes shut in intense sublimity. They looked stunning with the lights reflecting off of their smooth skin and their long necks swaying gyroscopically. The white girls were in circles, shaking their asses and laughing and waiting to be approached. They wore hiphugger jeans and backless shirts, with their hair whispering and catching on their earrings. So many girls, so little nerve. I ordered a whiskey and coke.
My friend, the guy I showed up with, John Smith, walked up to me and sat down in the adjacent barstool.
"Where'd you go?" He asked while sipping rum.
"Out for a walk. I needed open space." I said, taking a long pull off my drink.
The crowd had filled out in the short time since I had left, and a new dj was spinning a remix of a popular radio hit on the turntable. The kids were into it because it gave them a chance to sing along. A few more bodies drew closer to the dj booth to really grok on the bass.
"Fucking sean paul again, that's like the third sean paul remix I've heard tonight." said john sullenly.
"Yeah, if I wanted to hear this shit, I'd get drunk at home and listen to the shit-ass radio." I agreed.
"You wanna go smoke out the car and listen to soemthing good for a while?" A tempting offer, but I couldn't take my drink outside, so I told him to wait till it was drained.
Just then the girl from the silver car stepped into the club alone with her arms crossed over her chest and looked around nervously. She was statuesque in her vulnerability, and I kept waiting for her cradle-robbing man-toy to come lumbering in after her, perhaps with a huge caveman club on one shoulder and necklace made of human ears dangling from his neck. He never did come in. The girl spotted me and walked over to the bar, smiling with relieved recognition.
"Hi, I'm glad I found somebody I've met at least once before." She said.
"Well, we never met officially, my name's Bill, this is my friend John." I stuck my hand out and grinned easily, feeling the whiskey doing it's charming little trick.
She shook my hand weakly with just her fingers like most females do, and said,
"I'm Destiny, I saw you walking down here just a few minutes ago and the guy at the door filled me in. My boyfriend and I got in a huge fucking fight because he got lost, so he kicked me out of the car."
"Where are you from?" I asked, killing my drink and ordering another, no tip.
"I'm from Dallas, but I never come down here for anything, so I had no idea what to do, but you seemed nice enough to help me out a little. I wish I had some cash for a drink."
What a line. I couldn't believe she was trying to scam a drink off the best drunken scam artist in the joint. I ordered her a screwdriver. She slugged it down like a champ and I bought her another. I could tell it was going to be another visit to the atm machine. We made small-talk for an hour or so, mostly about stuff like how much of an asshole her boyfriend was and how much she loved sean paul and how she spoke too often and with little regard for the retarded bile that came spilling out of her mouth, blah blah blah.....I never came out and said that she was in dire need of a fourth-grade education, I just smiled and nodded and got the both of us good and stinko until john absolutely had to smoke some narcotics. We finished our drinks and went upstairs to his ride.
She was off on a rant about her boyfriend again and I was getting to the point that I was too hammered to give a flying fuck about getting laid, so we stuck her in the backseat and cranked up some killer rude boy shit. We decided to drive up the road to show her the Lightrail train pass through. John loaded his glass piece up with about a half a gram of really colorful hydroponic chronic and drove along with his knee on the wheel, simultaneously lighting the pipe with his hands. True skill. Ninja shit. I swayed along and bobbed my head with the music. The lights of the city twisted by on imaginary pathways burned into my retinae. A bum with a lion's mane of dreadlocks pushed a wheelchair stacked high with boxes full of God-knows-what down the sidewalk, seemingly unaware of the world around him. Was the world dead to him or was he dead to the world? Only the bums of the planet really know what's going on.
As we approached Main street, we saw the tracks flooded with police lights and the train sitting dormant. We approached slowly while stashing the glass in a panel behind the stereo face. There were fire trucks and ambulances scattered everywhere.
"It must've hit a car pretty bad, there aren't any tow trucks." John said matter-of-factly.
"Get closer." I said.
We crept up to the perimeter of the police barricade to get a look at the victim, like any good red-blooded americans would. There wasn't much left of the car, but I did notice an oddly familiar flashy sticker on what was left of the rear bumper, it said "Roxy."
Apparently Destiny saw it too, because she was out and running in no time. We watched in disbelief as she charged screaming at the devestation. The cops bum-rushed her and subdued her while she sobbed uncontrollably. A uniformed penis approached our car and asked if we knew her. John got nervous and claimed that she had just bummed a ride to meet her boyfriend and that we were on our way home. He shined his flashlight into the car at me. I couldn't stop gaping at the girl convulsing on the curb with a blanket draped on her shoulders and a lady pig trying to console her. He let us go.
As we were driving home, I made a comment about his explanation to the cops.
"If you think about it, we really did just give her a ride to meet her boyfriend..."
"Jesus, Bill. That's some heartless shit." John replied with a slight grin.
I smiled and looked out the window at a man selling hats on the corner.
"Yeah...hey, pull over, I need a hat..."
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-11-30 11:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was really good!
and a +2 cause I'm from Houston too.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-29 21:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
houston?
i live there.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-11-29 21:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was gonna be urbane's snatch.
+2 for it not.
I'll read it later.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2007-11-29 20:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, even if you are a girl-drink drunk.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really really really really enjoyed this. Well done.
On another note, I've been in quite a few car accidents, not when i've been driving, but in a car with other people. Is that normal do you think? I'm talking about 15 car accidents.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bigdicrick (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for the republicans
+2 for the good read
+2 for killing the boyfriend
So did you hit it?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 03:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not certain why I didn't hate this.
+2 for you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one of my new favorite authors here.
Submitted by Unwell (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...drove along with his knee on the wheel, simultaneously lighting the pipe with his hands. True skill. Ninja shit."
Ninja potheads are the best.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fiction or fact dude? Either way, it's solid.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
I also agree wit HBTS but saying AT Machine just sounds odd.
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oooh, yeah-Automated Teller MACHINE-good call. I'll change it now. See? This is why you guys are here.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title.
Fucked if I'm reading the rest of it though
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 05:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
IN MY RAGE I FORGOT TO -2 YOU.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 05:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was a solid -1 until this:
atm machine
Don't you know what ATM stands for you fucking retard? I can't stand it when people do this.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-29 04:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I good idea fro a story. Could flow better but still quite readable.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 03:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not certain why I didn't hate this.
+2 for you.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-29 03:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, that cat's got it
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol'd @ below
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read there but there were some words and they looked like they were well-organized and there were lots of them
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stilted.
there ya go.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
can you say?: stilted