Evil, Evil Women (1668 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.01 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ChaosJester (View user info) at 2007-11-29 05:55:56 EST
It seems that posting about sex has become all the rage recently, so allow me to regale you all with one of the more...unusual experiences I've had in that department. I'm sure a number of you jokers can top this; after all, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of different people that I've actually made the Tantric Rapez with and Lord Knows some of you out there get around. Still, this just struck me as pretty disturbing at the time. Anyway, here goes:
Many, many moons ago, I happened to be spending a significant amount of time in a random Southeastern-Asia country. Amazingly enough, I had also recently managed to acquire a girlfriend; let's call her Rachel. She wasn't exactly a brain surgeon and I wasn't all that terribly interested in her except as a not-bad-looking fuck toy. Still, she was sweet enough, in a ditzy sort of way and I became rather fond of her as time went on.
Anyway, we'd been seeing each other for a few weeks. Because of my reasons for actually being in-country, I usually only had a few days at a time to spend with her, but one makes due. One fine weekend, I discovered that I had a few days to myself, so I called Rachel and asked if she felt like hooking up. She seemed unusually hesitant, but eventually agreed to meet me in a few hours.
Later on that day, we got together for dinner, then went carousing about in numerous bars and clubs. As our relationship was almost entirely physical, we both knew where this was going, but earlier she'd asked if we could wait for a day or so before commencing with the Happy Fun Times. She wouldn't say why, and I didn't feel like being a dick about it, so I acquiesced. I'd rented a nice little bungalow for the next three days and wasn't in any particular hurry.
So, the night is filled with much dancing and heavy drinking. Eventually, we stumble back to the bungalow and collapse onto the bed. Remembering my promise, I prepare to roll over and lapse into intoxicated slumber. Eventually though, it percolates through the fog enveloping my mind that Rachel is giving me increasingly urgent messages that the Sexy Time needed to happen. That was more than enough encouragement for young ChaosJester. With a dexterity that only massive amounts of Tequila can bring, I slithered out of my clothes and proceeded to tackle ol' girl.
Around an hour (actually about thirty seconds) later, things wind up to the natural conclusion and we're both lounging on the bed. It being a tropical environment, I decide that I need a quick shower to wash off the sweat pooling on me. Now, remember, it's late (or early, depending on how you look at it) and the sexxin' happened almost entirely in the dark, so I'm pretty much blind (plus I'm still pretty wasted).
I remember stumbling over to the bathroom, bumping into things repeatedly and finding my way mostly by feel. I turn on the lights, look into the mirror and proceed to screech like a little bitch. There, gazing back at me, was a gore-covered creature straight out of my nightmares. I was absolutely covered, from head to toe, in something that looked remarkably like blood.
As soon as I recover my wits, I turn on the light in the bedroom to see if I'd managed to commit homicide. There, blinking in the bright light, lay Rachel, looking for all the world like I'd taken a butcher knife to her nether regions. Seeing my aghast expression, she smiled sheepishly and explained that she hadn't wanted to make fuck because she'd been on her period, but then she'd gotten too drunk to care. Evidently, getting wasted while experiencing "that time of the month" makes the flow even heavier than normal.
Anyway, after trying to sort out my conflicting emotions (I mean, on the one hand, I was covered in menstrual fluid--blech. On the other, fucking while covered in blood is almost cool, in a strange and creepy way), I hop into the shower and watch, fascinated, as the water running off me turns red.
Needless to say, I had a fun time explaining to the resort staff why there were smeared, bloody handprints all over the walls of the bungalow.
So, my question to all you Uber-nauts is this: (For the doodz) Has a chica ever pulled a fast one on you like this? (For the wimminz) Have you ever fooled some hapless fellow into leaping into a situation when caution would dictate a slower, more reasoned approach?
Cheers...
User Reviews
Submitted by T_M_U (user info) at 2007-12-26 19:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's so hot
Submitted by The.Masked.Assailant (user info) at 2007-12-05 01:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fake
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2007-11-29 21:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why couldn't you smell it?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BAMBI!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for trying. Foalfucker.
(See next to my bad sense of humour, yours looks amazing).
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps, but I think Slothsucker rolls off the tongue easier...
Get it?
...
Yeah, I know I'm not funny, but at least I try.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know any sloths to suck. Hurty calls me the Uberwhore. I think this is nearer the truth.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What? You mean you aren't?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Slothsucker?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You, sir, ran a red light.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe she realized you are a pseudorapist and dropped a load of blood out of fear. You know, like squid ink or something.
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HA!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BLARF @ squid ink.
...
You rock my socks off, wee NAMBLA-bait.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe she realized you are a pseudorapist and dropped a load of blood out of fear. You know, like squid ink or something.
Hey, it happens.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you like ketchup on your fries?
Submitted by bigdicrick (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail the RED BARON!
You can't trust anything that bleeds for 3-4 days and doesn't die.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
jealouz below...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I HEREBY TITLE YOU "THE RED BARON".
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
noonie puking on the first available surface is no new trick in her repertoire, dude.
she's a notorious lightweight.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Misleading title, but a moderately amusing anecdote.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
READ MY COMMENTS I'M BEING ALL SELF DEPRECATING
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Yes, yes, very nice.
My STD stories will fuck you up.
Seriously.
But I'll be good gawdamned if I mention them here.
Thankx for sharing, tho.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
READ MY COMMENTS I'M BEING ALL SELF DEPRECATING
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ATTN: Fugly Men.
Noonie's drunk and we all have a shot now!
...
That's right, que up. We'll all have a go once she pukes on her desk and passes out.
Patience...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'ms orry. today is drinking day at the office. we have started out the day with m imosas. wine for lunch and cocktails for the afternoon. don't expect too mch coherent thought from me today, as if anyone ver did.
sincerely
noonie.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
she didn't pull a fast one you know, you both were just too drunk to care.
RAINBOW KISSES FOR EVERYONE!
*************************************
Relax, Noonie. I wasn't really upset after I got over the suprise. Nor did I think she purposely tried to decieve me. I was just trying to be funny.
:(
I also neglected to mention that, after the shower, there was more Sexy Time...much more. At least 45 seconds worth.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
she didn't pull a fast one you know, you both were just too drunk to care.
RAINBOW KISSES FOR EVERYONE!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
is this a piece of living IN THE DARKEST DEPTHS OF HUMANITYS ARMPIT? ( spooky noises spooky noises spooky noises )
not such a crazy story, baldy.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
right...
whatever, i give up. guys are stupid about periods.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:48:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Because it would be completely impossible for a new user to this site to think that you are an arsehat. I've read some of your stuff - it's not bad, but you are a whiney poof.
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Meh. I've been called worse by far cooler users.
Post some stuff before you try to wear the Big Boy Pants.
...
And I like being a whiney poof.
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
***********************
Hmmmm...
I wonder who this is/used to be.
-------
Because it would be completely impossible for a new user to this site to think that you are an arsehat. I've read some of your stuff - it's not bad, but you are a whiney poof.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Periods don't bother me. I just lay a black towel down so that the sheets don't get stained, and make sure not to go too quickly otherwise it squirts out. Plus, I save money on lubricant that way.
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That's the way you do it.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Hmmmm...
I wonder who this is/used to be.
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid me, read the comments.
come on, ya must have tasted it if it was all over yer face.
it's like licking a piece of iron, or sucking on a wrench (yes, i have. where else will you put a tool when you need three hands?)
was she black? if so, then black wings.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's a fucking awesome picture.
And I've had much worse happen in bed, it's just a little womb lining, that's all...
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so, did you get your wings?
those smears on the sides of your cheeks when you eat a grrl on the rag.
i'm in the mood to read something like this so +2
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Periods don't bother me. I just lay a black towel down so that the sheets don't get stained, and make sure not to go too quickly otherwise it squirts out. Plus, I save money on lubricant that way.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and in answer to your question, I don't 'do' periods.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
better than most of your stuff.
i'll do you one better. I'm in Korea and my platoon is just beginning its month long field training but I had to head back to base because of a certain pain that came about when I urinated....
doc gives me some meds and says 'this may change the color of your piss' and I think nothing of it. That night, back in the field, I'm pulling the 2-3AM guard shift and stop to take a nice piss right outside the door of my buddies hummer.
in the morning we're all standing around smoking and shavin when someone says 'holy fuck who's leaking transmission fluid?' and everyone mills around and what not.
not tranny fluid but my piss, huge puddle, frozen over looked exactly like transmission fluid orangeish-pinkish color.
god I love stds
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sico is on the rampage today then?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Collective 0 from me....kk?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Now FUCKING DIE, FAGGOT GAS PUMPER!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here here.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't whine about my rating, bitch. I was just saying is all.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jaysus...
Who shat in Sico's cereal again?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh for fuck's sake, you whinging faggot. So what? You made some pizza? I won't even try to upstage you here because just about every sexual episode of mine has been like a novelty porn. By the way, I owe your mom child support. I'm your dad.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Creating your own uber euphemism for sex by borrowing from someone who may be funny and/or entertaining does not make you funny and/or entertaining. i.e. "I've actually made the Tantric Rapez..." NO! Now I will finish reading and may change my rating accordingly.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i read the first sentence and it said you were going to tell me about a time when you had sex and instantly i saw you sitting in the corner, bleeding from the ass and crying
so i shot myself and died
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once a girl was pleasuring me with her finely manicured hands and 'accidentally' dug her nail into the tip of my penis causing a deep cut in my foreskin and causing me to leap about the room and finally hide in the bathroom wanting to cry with blood dripping from my penis.
I win.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did you get your redwings? have you?
*****************************************
Perhaps I wasn't explicit enough earlier.
Not only did I get my blood wings, but my Entire Fucking Face was bloody.
...Yum (gag).
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, +2 not emo!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Have done (and like you said creepily enjoyed) similar. And worse, but there's no way in hell I'm telling uber.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm familiar to waking up to a bloody mess and wondering what the fuck happened, only to realize it was period sex the night prior.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-29 06:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was going to be a stupid fucking emo post. thank you for not posting another one of those.
did you get your redwings? have you?
a buddy of mine tells me this story all the time. he woke up one day covered in blood. he checks his body all over, no cuts or scratches. his bed, carpet, clothes, all covered in blood. he checks his room for dead bodies; finds none.
apparently the night before he fucked a girl on her period but, as he is the biggest fucking lush in the world, had absolutely no recollection of it.