SPT A heartwarming adventure (844 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 81 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (View user info) at 2007-11-29 07:15:14 EST
Let me regale you with a story that will make you smile, wince and of course shout 'Booo yah'
Oh yes its time for EI's swimming adventure.
It was a dark Tuesday evening....... To be honest, most evenings are dark so don't get sucked into my world of attempted deception.
I tend to go swimming after work, when the pretty ladies go, not the serious 'Get outta my way ladies. I really wanna swim and to be honest I don't appreciate you staring at my boobies under water'
I hate those ladies.
So I go when the ladies who want me to stare at their boobies are swimming, then I can amaze them with my stroke. Heh. Recently the lady at reception has started chatting me up, remembers my name and once when I forgot my goggles, said I could borrow hers. She's 50 but meh I just will imagine im Shlongy. Anyway I digress.
The pool was split in half, one side was children getting their lessons and the other side was me and the general public strutting our strokes, me attempting to do a rolling turn, failing and getting loads of cholrined water up my nostrils.
I noticed by the side of the pool a mother and child watching and waving to someone in the pool. When out of the blue the 4 year old child sprang into action, took her 'spidey' back pack off her shoulders and ran, ran like the wind towards her sister in the other pool. The mother put down her copy of 'hello' and stood dumbfounded. Unfortunatly as the child ran towards her sister she tripped, stumbled and fell into the pool.
Like a superhero I sprang into action, ducking my head under water I sprang up into the air like a dolphin, with the child in my arms and handed her back to the waiting mother. I awaited the heartfelt gratitude that was bound to come my way...............
'Cheers mate , she's a right bitch when she's had a tub of smarties'
Oh well I guess next time I will wear my tighter pants.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-20 13:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
A hard earned lesson, SON!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-24 14:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-03 19:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
liked it immensely. wanted it to be a bit longer, i acutally thought it would be longer, considering you're such a 'talker'
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-01 08:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your username always amuses me.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-30 07:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why isn't this a perfect 2??
It has it all, the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, and a hero protagonist that leaves nothing to be desired.
I may bring swooning back in vogue.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 07:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Orph has so much taste its scary, next someone will be nominating this for B@W and shlongy hasnt even reviewed it!!
Oh and Drogos holding out on me, he has my basis for the story and so on. Over a week now.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 07:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Em, perhaps you could give Orph a few hints. Heaven knows, he needs them.
When is Drogos post?
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-30 07:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best thing ever posted on this, or any other site, ever.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She has a nice sports car so I probably would. i would imagine i would get jiggy with all the. female staff who work there and teh only one who I wouldnt get jiggy with, i already have......
Now thats a interesting story
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you mean Drogo? is that an insult
--
I could see how you may think that me old chum, but actually i mean it as a strange compliment. You see how do they let someone as 'Important' as yourself swim in the same pool as floating water babies who may piss and shit around you so ruining your graceful whale like swim?
It just beggars belief. Dont they know who you are?
p.s would you do the receptionist?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you mean Drogo? is that an insult
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hurty is so grumpy at the minute, apparently the police arrested him whilst he was 'working' last night *wink wink*
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cant believe thay let you swim in a pool with kids
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
: )
>yeesh<
BOOO YAH!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see Hurty got out the wrong side of his cardboard box this morning.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Plans? What? Like I'd want anything to do with you pair of retards.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scrap any plans, Em. Hurty is on now. If we don't include him he will only sulk.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
possibly....
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Pinky and the Brain?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Im not that old that I have horny nails! Blimey. You know I think its only you and I on this site, how exciting, we should take over Uber.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody computer. Here have another anyway!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And, oh, he is no longer a baby but a toddler. Actually, that is kinda sad. Oh well!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And, oh, he is no longer a baby but a toddler. Actually, that is kinda sad. Oh well!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to keep your feet sweet if your gonna be wearing flip flops. No horny, thick, yellowing and crumbly man nails.
You get to sit on one of those high chairs. Cool.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well im highly qualified to become a lifeguard then, the excitement! I just want to have one of those floats and jog down the side of the pool.
Congratulations on your baby walking.
When will you learn?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another one! I am ok.
I put my baby to bed last night a crawler, this morning he was walking like a pro!
RE becoming a lifeguard. At my pool, they are all pervs.:)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww arent you sweet Orphelia lady, hows tricks then??
Submitted by Eugene_Luther (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And an extra one for you, lovely :)
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bigdicrick (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I keep my kids locked in the cellar. Smarties are like crack for kids and possibly midgets. I love midgets, I am so going to buy one for Xmas.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So like every other night then?
Yes, Daddy.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This summmer when I was lifeguarding we had some guy cramp up at the deep side of the perimeter log line. He was all, "HELP! I can't... I ca... HELP!"
About four of us saw it happening and we're all thinking to ourselves, "Jesus fucking Christ, you're a grown man. You can, and you'd better." Two of the guys looked at each other like they were about to rock-paper-scissors to see who dove in after him when I took it upon myself to do so.
I'm a heroic savior.
Little kids are way easier to drag out, though, and you get gratitude from milfs and hot older sisters.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about you do my bidding and make yourself?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about you MAKE me?
(Come).
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Lishy how about you say "come" some more?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:00:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well she was referring to her daughter but she didnt actually say it to her kid.
I feel ill, whose going to feed me grapes and dress up in a nurses uniform?
===
I always have grapes and come from a nursing family, it comes naturally to me. You can repay me by helping me to overcome my lifelong fear of diving into water headfirst.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
alright ive read this now.
im a lifeguard, and this summer i made more baby pool saves than usual. i had like 9, where some dumbass 2 year old tries to walk into the 1.5 feet deep water and falls face first and drowns silently. moms dont pay attention, i spring into action and save their children, and they look at me like i was the reason the kid fell down. fuck those bitches. i kept telling myself i was going to let the next one drown but i am a hero by nature.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ha
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN: SEXY GHEY MENZ
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well she was referring to her daughter but she didnt actually say it to her kid.
I feel ill, whose going to feed me grapes and dress up in a nurses uniform?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did that mom really call her kid a bitch?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ain't no alter.
Submitted by OscarZAcosta (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
doped up mo fo
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The problem I have with the rolling turn is that I end up coming off sideways not front on, its hard for me to practice in a public pool too where either serious swimmers are or in the main pool where kids and families are. I know I can swim fast but I cant turn, or dive for that matter but thats less of an immediate problem.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:29:46 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be a pool lifeguard at a YMCA many years ago. That experience led me to have a pool at my house today. That way when I swim, it's not in the collected effluvia of 1000 2nd graders and incontinent geriatrics. Public pools do not contain water. It's human soup.
----------------------------
Likewise. Except for me it was at a city/high school pool between high school and college years, and then part-time during grad school at a local fitness center that is much cleaner than the Y, but still revolting to a lesser degree, nonetheless.
EI, the trick to the rolling turn is to start the turn a good two and a half metres before you get to the wall...that way you don't whack your ankles on the edge of the pool when you lift your legs out of the water.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PLUS you get free swims, it costs me £3 per swim.
Oh and women lifeguards are generally quite hot.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Skrap,
You must realise that If I could afford my own 25 metre pool I would have one, the public baths is nasty but the best option and it is just across the road from me , so handy too. I am thinking of becoming a lifeguard for a few extra quid.
And yes I am guilty of your tick list but attempting to be funny?? I nailed that baby!
--------
You nailed each item, hence the +2. One needs only attempt witty banter, not necessarily achieve it as you did.
Lifeguarding is shitty work. A lot of boredom and responsibility for no money. However, you do get a whistle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KhXbtUldqg
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
from the NewsMutiny site
"Have you suffered long term
mental anguish as a result of
extended exposure to the music of
The Offspring? You may entitled
to $$$ from a recent class action
lawsuit - 1800-MKIT-STP "
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Cheers mate , she's a right bitch when she's had a tub of smarties'
-----------
HAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought a few people may think I was actually REALLY superman so I had better point out that I cut and pasted MY head onto supermans body. I know you cant tell. BUT im not lying.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
really?
i thought it was you all the way around
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats my head on supermans body by the way!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well I was just thinking...you know...on the off chance
the content of that website needs to be on this front page TODAY!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Like Hurty could do a decent post
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Skrap,
You must realise that If I could afford my own 25 metre pool I would have one, the public baths is nasty but the best option and it is just across the road from me , so handy too. I am thinking of becoming a lifeguard for a few extra quid.
And yes I am guilty of your tick list but attempting to be funny?? I nailed that baby!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ATTN HURTY!!1
please do a post about this
http://www.newsmutiny.com/pages/Farts/ChristianColoring/ChristianXmasColoring.htm
Holy fuck do I wish I found that earlier today
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
has the term 'shitdick' ever been so literal?
http://www.delawareonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071127/NEWS/711270347/1006/NEWS
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whats one of those?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SPT label... check.
Attempted witty banter... check.
Shlongy namedrop... check.
The word "boobies"... check.
I used to be a pool lifeguard at a YMCA many years ago. That experience led me to have a pool at my house today. That way when I swim, it's not in the collected effluvia of 1000 2nd graders and incontinent geriatrics. Public pools do not contain water. It's human soup.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:05:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a bit harsh. I was a hero.
=========
Haerophile.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It must be stuck in the Christmas email backlog
I put 5 minutes of effort into this post and no one appreciates it, what the hell do I have to do to get some respect around here!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lying.
The English can't swim. I know this, I watched that movie that showed me. With the sailors that drownded.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I SAID I LOVE YOU DIDN'T YOU GET THE EMAIL?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a bit harsh. I was a hero.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 08:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Paedo.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
freaks have feelings too
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just opened this to say im off to my combat water survival test for rotc, but then i caught the part where you said this is about swimming. good. my comment is relevant (maybe) so +2.
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:18:52 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
right, listen...you're a freak so what makes you think I want to read anything fucktabulous story you have to tell?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bahahaha!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who'd have thought, Morrissey a racist!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I shit my pants once and didn't get a simple "thank you."
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha No Comment - as if!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Muddy i respect you. respect you like the brother i never had oh and never wanted.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh muddy its a tale of a heros adventure, come be happy for me!
You know you dont really hate me.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
right, listen...you're a freak so what makes you think I want to read anything fucktabulous story you have to tell?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 07:18:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My hero...
(dreamy sigh)