A day in my life (Old Norse style) (776 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MonkeyswithBeowulf (View user info) at 2007-11-29 09:51:10 EST
The Day, Fresh.
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I awoke in the frosty morn,
My woman gone to make butter,
My belly empty, and my bladder full,
I bade good morn to the chamber pot.
My mind, sluggish with sleep,
Did not take notice of the lion at my feet,
My fall to the floor shook the hall,
My howl scared the beast away.
I took great strides, in the course of the chase.
The lion, cornered, swung wildly at me.
My hand worked swiftly at its task,
The foul thing was evicted.
Swiftly, I made ready for my day.
I wore my steel skin,
And readied my pen for battle!
Lo, a great fight I foresaw!
I took leave of my keep,
Making toward the jousting lists.
Here, I battled bravely against all contenders,
Having won, I made for the market.
In the merchant's crates, I found the early meal.
Greasy and great, it fills my heart with warmth,
I parted with my silver in grief,
I took my leave with a light pouch.
Off across the deer road on my steed,
A billowing dragon put to flight.
My purpose lay clearly ahead,
To earn meager riches, by merit or wit.
Middle day
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Finding my Lord's hall bleak,
I made great efforts to embolden my men
"Though we are denied mead,
Are we not well compensated for our allegiance?"
My song fell on deaf ears,
The mead was what they desired,
Not the promise of future treasures,
Nor pretty words from a fool.
Grumbling and grating,
My shield men went back to their tasks.
My whip cracked over their heads,
And they trudged onward dutifully.
There followed a long period of tedious labor.
The Dwarves in the mountain halls would be jealous!
There was much rejoicing as the noon bells rang out,
Our hearts sang with glee!
When the middle meal came,
I again persuaded my mount to bring me home.
There I found that my lion had made a kill,
One small sparrow lay limp at my door.
The hounds, barking, demanded a great feast!
The kibble was poured, and their hunger was sated.
When night fell we would be at ease,
They would rest at my feet by the fire.
The grain barrel empty, I fled with great haste,
Back to my Lord's kitchen, where I should be fed.
Arriving only to find the kitchen empty,
The maids already having taken their leave.
It was all for naught that I should have returned!
With great distress, I returned to my place,
And with heavy heart I chastised my carelessness.
Now, I too desired a draught from the cup.
Fortune smiled upon me this day,
My man Ben, sly and with good foresight,
Slipped a flask to my workshop,
I drank with much delight, my morale returned.
End Day
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My men and I, accomplishing little, took our leave.
We flew from this place and our troubles.
Finding our mounts, we departed with great haste.
"To home and hearth men! For warmth in soul and belly!"
I arrived to my castle, tattered from the daily battle.
My wife had arrived from her tasks early,
And my place at the great table had been set.
We ate with laughter, as we listened to the great bard tell tales.
After we had supped and drank from the golden cup,
I lay her down in my bed, and had my way.
REJOICE! My seed has (not) been spread!
There followed a moment of dullness of the mind.
When I awoke from my light slumber,
My hearth and my pipe called out to me!
I took up the pipe, and stoked the fire,
My hounds, Fenrir and Nim, lay at my feet.
I smoked in peace as the wolves outside sang their moon song.
My wife lay spent in the bed, and I soon would join her.
The scald's songs spent, I bade him take his leave with a push of my finger.
My hounds I set out to keep the night-watch, and I retired.
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Epilogue
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As I sat at my hearth, smoking my pipe,
In the great hall of High Falls,
I brought up in my mind all manner of great thoughts,
By which way I should regale you all today at this great Über-hall.
I do not claim this tale as my own,
For it is shared by all great men and women of this world.
My first thought upon reviewing my tale was:
"Oh shit, mine originality hath been trounced resoundingly!"
I know not how many others have told this tale,
Nor how many others have told it in this manner.
The nerd-road below leads to one which came to mind.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110040
Included below is a previously shown portrait-sluttery,
Though this time it is clear, for thy masturbatory pleasures.
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-12-04 14:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beautifully done
Submitted by LegoSockPuppet (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and you do look all saxon-thug in that pic
Submitted by LegoSockPuppet (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn hun, this is really good. But what about me making butter or something?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About three years I imagine? Seriously, the poem was pretty excellent. I hope everyone who rated read it. If not, their loss, the foos!
You are consistently good.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And shaveth the goate. It is very gayeth.
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Twas nay gay at the time.
I haven't had it for years now.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And shaveth the goate. It is very gayeth.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read your poem, it was very witty, very olde English.
Nice job.
Poetry on Uber usually goes down as well as a prostitute with herpes.
You dideth wellus, my son.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Out of curiosity, did anyone actually read the words?
It seems like everyone has something to say about the picture that was taken 3 years ago, but no-one seems to have mentioned anything about the epic-style poetry.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're sorta cute. In that Eddie Vedder grunge way.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a guy?! Tourist.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got my hood up 'cuz it's cold and miserable in this fucking country.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-29 14:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-29 13:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickasstastic.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bloody vikings
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-29 12:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MWG!!!!!!!
nice!
ps i'll wb today :)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm more of a outdoorsy guy myself as you seen when you commented on the post about the dog...I just clean up nicely. Now, your place or mine?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather like the juxtapose of the whole I've-got-my-hoodie-up-so-I-can-look-all-thug-like whilst standing in front of Stonehenge.
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It was really fuckin rainy and cold that day. Now I understand why alcohol plays such a large role in the UK. It's the weather.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd definitely fuck you with two fists running the course of your anal cavity.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I didn't read any of that.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 10:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather like the juxtapose of the whole I've-got-my-hoodie-up-so-I-can-look-all-thug-like whilst standing in front of Stonehenge.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
careful men, he has his hoodie up, we're in for trouble
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Stonehenge.
Did you talk with teh alienz?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the movie Dogma all angels have hoodies on.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-29 09:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read your poems but that's a pretty good picture. Anfry.