Things I don't miss: Collecting semen samples from creepy men (1825 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 1.89 on 74 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I believe in Don Henley's afro (View user info) at 2007-11-29 14:57:10 EST
A few days ago I e-mailed one of my old laboratory coworkers and asked her how things were going out there. She responded with a few opening niceties and indicated that things were going about the same as they always had.
"I'm sorry." I wrote back.
In turn she responded that she envied me, now shielded away from the psychosis of healthcare. She closed our communication by mentioning that another of my old laboratory coworkers nearly had a conniption a few weeks back because of an encounter with a male patient and his semen sample.
Suddenly, it all came back to me in an infuriating and nauseous cloud.
Creepy men and their semen.
This is one of many things that I don't miss about working in healthcare. See, it wasn't so much the semen that bothered me; it was just that sometimes a few select men tested my ability to inhibit violent impulses. If you bear with me for a few minutes, I'll explain why.
A few doctors on staff at the hospital, for whatever reason, would order semen analyses or sperm counts for their male patients. Sperm counts were ordered for men post vasectomy to confirm that indeed they no longer had wee sperm swimming about. Semen analyses were generally ordered for men who were having difficulty impregnating their female companions. Semen analyses were much more complicated in that the lab technician had to analyze many different aspects of the spermatozoa. Larry, the lab technician mostly responsible for doing these analyses, had begun to dread these. He was convinced that he had done something horrible in a past life.
Now to be fair, most men called upon to produce a sample of semen, did so matter of factly and without any creepiness of behavior. Some bore a slight awkward or embarrassed countenance when they reported to the lab with their requisitions. Really though, there was nothing to be awkward or embarrassed about. Sometimes these things just need to be done, much like urinating in a cup. It was the others, the men who for some perverse reason thought that submitting a semen sample was tantamount to courtship, who incited malice.
I estimate that we would have to process 10 semen samples every three months, or 40 per year. Oddly enough, they never happened at a steady pace. Usually we would get 5 per week or more, then nothing for a long time. I'm just averaging here.
The semen collection kits contained; a plastic cup, instruction sheet advising the patient to first clean and rinse thoroughly the head of his penis, and small, plain white paper bag. When the patient reported to the lab, he was given the kit, instructed to first remove the cup and write his name on the cup with the sharpie provided in the bathroom, and directed to a very nice, private, and comfortably furnished bathroom around a corner. This bathroom was located in a short, dead end hallway to ensure the most quiet and undisturbed experience. He also was instructed to then place his named cup inside the bag, and bring it back to the lab technician.
Please note, that it was the patient's doctor, not the lab whose task it was to advise to patient to bring any visual aids he might need to help him produce a sample of his semen. This may or may not be important to the story later on.
Ideally, the patient would take his kit, disappear for a bit, and then return with a small white paper bag. He would then leave it on the counter and be on his merry way. Pretty cut and dry, no? Well, you'd be amazed at what could go wrong or was forced to go wrong by the machinations of inappropriate behavior. Here are a few examples.
Exhibit A: Patient arrives with girlfriend in tow. Lab technician (in this case, me) thinks nothing of it. Kit is dispensed. Lab technician (me) notices the giggling girlfriend disappear around the corner with the patient. Lab technician gives pause. Lab technician then hears moans through the walls. Lab technician also hears "Ok, stop sucking so I can do this." Moments later the couple reemerges, plops the bag on the counter and leaves giggling. Lab technician walks over to the clinic with the joyful task of informing the doctor that they suspected the female companion fellated the patient to ejaculation, thus disqualifying the sample as a valid one.
Exhibit B: Unhygienic and soiled patient arrives to give a semen sample. After long, long time, patient delivers the paper bag. Lab technician (me again) sends it up to other lab technician (Larry) for testing. Soon after Larry calls and informs me that sample is no good as it was contaminated with some kind of black liquid that appeared to be motor oil.
I could go on but you get the idea. Now, on to the special problems presented by creepy men.
Out of the 40 men a year who had to give semen samples, roughly about 20 to 30% of them qualified as creepy. These guys seemed thrilled at the chance of jerking off into a cup and giving it to a female lab technician. Additionally, they dearly loved telling the female lab technician all about their semen and how they just now produced it. Here is an exchange that happened between one of these creepy men and me. Italics indicate my thoughts, not spoken words.
Man: Here ya go, honey.
Me: Thank you, sir. Just put the bag on the counter and you're free to go.
Man (refusing to leave): Hot off the press.
Me: Fine, sir. Just leave the bag on the counter.
Man (now leaning against the doorway, leering): Lots more where that came from.
Oh ew
Me: That's not necessary. I'm sure it's fine. You have a nice day.
Man (still leering): You sure 'bout that? Wanna take a look to make sure? I can probably go squeeze out another one if you need me too.
Fuck this!
Me: Excuse me a moment.
*I then pick the phone up and call Ron, my boss.*
Me (whispering into the phone): Ron, I need you to come here for a second.
Ron: {sigh} Ok.
*Ron walks around the corner and greets patient. He knows what's going on.*
Ron: Hello!
Man (now standing upright in the doorway and no longer leering): Uh, hi.
Me: Did you need anything else, sir?
Man: Uh, no.
Me: Alright then. Have a nice day.
The man hurriedly shuffles away. I then explain to the boss that he was a 'creepy man with semen sample type' and that there has got to be a better way for these guys to drop off their samples.
Me: I hate them, Ron. I really do.
Ron: {sighs} I know.
Additionally, some of the creepy man types would purposely not follow the instruction to place the cup in the bag. They wanted to make you take the cup from them with your hands. To that I said 'Hell No!' First off, these guys rarely washed their hands afterward. Incidentally, this always held true for a lot of patients (male and female) who submitted a urine sample. They would pee in a cup, not wash their hands, and try to hand you the hot cup of piss. Retch. Further, it was not necessary for the lab techs to handle the cup. That's what the bag was for. Larry would be fully gloved when he would remove the cup from the bag. No, the creepy guys just wanted the satisfaction of seeing some random female handle a cup of his sperm. Here's an example of this kind of occurrence. Keep in mind, the patient has received his instructions, including the one about putting the cup in the bag.
Man (beaming with pride and holding the cup out towards me and with the paper bag in his other hand, unused): Here ya go!
Goddamn it!
Me: Thank you, sir. Just put the cup in the bag and leave it on the counter.
Man (steps closer leering): Here, don't you want it?
Me (thrusting my hands in my lab coat's pockets): Just put it in the bag, sir. Thank you.
Man (actually trying to put the cup in my pocket where my hands are): Here.
Me (quickly maneuvering away): Excuse me a moment.
*Grab phone, call Ron.*
Me (whispering): Ron, I need you for a second.
Ron: {sighs} Ok.
*Ron walks around the corner and greets patient.*
Ron: Hello! Do you need help with anything today?
Man (eyes darting between me and my boss): Uh, no. I don't need any help. (Man continues to stare at me and my pocketed hands)
Ron: Great! Just put your specimen in the bag and I'll take it to the technician immediately.
Man: Uh, ok. Thanks. (Man reluctantly places his cup in the bag, hands the bag to Ron and skulks out of the room)
Me: Ron....
Ron: {sighs} I know.
And finally, there were the men who didn't heed their doctor's advice (accidentally or on purpose) about bringing visual aids. The honest guys who did this and then found they had a bit of trouble producing some ejaculate usually went home and came back another day. Again, it was the ones who did it on purpose that made me want to turn into to an avenging angel of death with fiery wings and blazing sword that would then chase them screaming out of the hospital. Here is an example of this.
Man (smirking): Say, I seemed to have left my magazine at my house. Do you by any chance have something I can borrow?
Me: No, we don't. Sorry. If you need, you can run home and get it or come back another day.
Man (still smirking): I'm not picky. Anything. Like, do you maybe have a Victoria's Secret catalogue handy?
Me: No. Sorry. Again, feel free to come back at another time that's convenient for you.
Man (smirking and taking a few steps towards me): No Victoria's Secret? But why?! Don't you like wearing lingerie? Don't you have a man who buys you pretty things to wear for him? (steps even closer)
Me: Excuse me for a moment.
*Grabs phone and calls Ron*
Me: Ron....
Ron: {sighs} On my way.
*Ron walks around the corner and greets the patient*
Ron: Hello! Can I help.......
Patient sees Ron and bolts from the room, never to be seen of again.
So, I'm sure you see what I'm talking about here. There is no reason or excuse for these guys' behavior. Considering that the majority of the men who have these tests are normal, decent guys who behave very appropriately, these creepy guys are just being creepy.
It wasn't just me who had a problem with these guys. Almost every woman in that lab was subjected to this at one time or another. Often numerous times. We all got so disgusted with the situation that we went, en masse, to our boss and told him that he appoint Matt to be the one who had to deal with these guys because we sure as hell didn't want to anymore. Ron, sensible man that he was, agreed and thus diffused us powder kegs sitting in his office. He actually agreed with us and expressed his annoyance with these kinds of guys. Matt agreed to it. He didn't care. There was one female lab tech who didn't mind dealing with the creepy guys. Then again, she was so desperate for male attention that she actually enjoyed this kind of interaction. I liked her, she was a nice person, but that woman was an attention whore. I also felt sorry for her because try as she might, she never could get picked up. I don't want to be mean, but if you saw her, you'd understand.
A few days after my e-mail exchange to my former coworker, I paused during my daily activities here at my new(ish) job and thanked the Goddess of Circumstance for delivering me out of the insanity of healthcare work.
Soothing and nurturing troubled data bases for various clinical research studies is far less aggravating.
Here is an unrelated, yet entirely amusing, gif for y'all.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-02 09:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
giggle.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-18 21:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you write.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-12-02 14:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy tales that illustrate how disturbing people are.
Very well done.
I'm surprised you never had any of them come out of the room asking you for "help".
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-30 09:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You think THAT'S embarrassing...try squirting a semen sample at your own mom without a courtesy "I'm cumming."
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
--------------------------------------------------------------
Grounded again?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus. I've been a caregiver for 7+ years and seen more 70+ year old penis than I had ever dreamed of, but thank god I've never had to collect semen samples and (so far) never had a patient pop a stiff one during bed bath time.
*crosses fingers as she starts 8 day work stretch*
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 19:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
That's full worse than wiping a kid's butt.
To answer your question, all I can say is that, while we are awesome parents in general, we've definitely failed in the whole "instilling a sense of independence" thing. That, and the kid is like, "Sheeeit. Fuck if I'm gonna wipe my own butt as long as you two knobs are gonna keep doin' it without no compainin'. Idiots."
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some dudes just have no clue.
Submitted by nick44 (user info) at 2007-11-30 11:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I submitted my sample red in the face and with my tail between my legs. Yikes. Most men are pigs, and masturbation is boring, especially if you do it as many times as I do. I guess these guys are taking advantage of the opportunity to spice things up.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-30 09:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You think THAT'S embarrassing...try handing a semen sample to your own mom, who is the lab tech at your PCP.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-30 07:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-11-30 06:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-30 06:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Legend. As is the gif. I don't think that can be topped.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, the creepy guys just wanted the satisfaction of seeing some random female handle a cup of his sperm."
-------------------------------
Who wouldn't!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-30 04:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Legend. As is the gif. I don't think that can be topped.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 03:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read this last night. I found the Ron thing funny. Poor you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-30 01:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 23:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THEY'RE NOT MAN HANDS DAMMIT! THEY'RE TALONS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-29 22:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's someone scraping the barrel 2 km above you while trying to drop you a rope.
Good one, me.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-29 22:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you probably had nothing to fear from those guys - its obvious they were gay: they took a look at your hands and figured you were a man.
jeez, i can hear the faint scraping of barrel-wood with that one.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-11-29 22:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor soul. I was half expecting you to say they would hand you an empty cup and a "full" bag. I got the creepy middle aged men when I was a service advisor (not THAT kind of service). They'd book their car in and then stand and stare and make comments like "If I were only 20 years younger..." Yeah, you still wouldn't have a chance. Now go away before I call one of my boys out here to rap your head in with a ratchet.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-29 21:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Somehow I knew it was you before I even clicked on the user info
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-11-29 20:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-29 19:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Constitution (user info) at 2007-11-29 19:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-11-29 18:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-11-29 18:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They wanted to make you take the cup from them with your hands. To that I said 'Hell No!' First off, these guys rarely washed their hands afterward. Incidentally, this always held true for a lot of patients (male and female) who submitted a urine sample. They would pee in a cup, not wash their hands, and try to hand you the hot cup of piss. Retch. Further, it was not necessary for the lab techs to handle the cup. That's what the bag was for. Larry would be fully gloved when he would remove the cup from the bag. No, the creepy guys just wanted the satisfaction of seeing some random female handle a cup of his sperm. Here's an example of this kind of occurrence.
----------------
This right here is why I always blow my load all over the bag.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 18:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha Crystle.
Gazbo, you're just about right on the money for that demographic.
Icarius, my thoughts and sympathy are with your wife. Nothing more frightening than an advanced middle aged man with a fresh Viagra script.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I just watch Donald Rumsfeld roll a J?
The story was amusing too, you earned your rating.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHA! My wife works in a clinic pharmacy, and is the occasional victim of middle-aged 'regulars' with Viagra prescriptions.
Guy: Hey, Belinda. I'm back again for the usual.
Belinda: That's nice.
Guy: No copay this time?
Belinda: Nope.
Guy: Huh, funny about that. I really could afford it, being a manager and all, you know.
Belinda: That's nice.
Guy: So, you going to tell me how this is used? Any interesting side-effects? You know I bet your boyfriend is too young to--
Belinda: Husband.
Guy: Husband--
Belinda: Has guns and could cut you in half.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now that's interesting.. that's fucking interesting man
Submitted by Gazbo (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to guess that the major demographic of these "creepy men" was somewhere between 30-45? There is something about that age that brings out the "best" in a man. Maybe it's the fact that if they're still unmarried by this point the only intercourse they get is the stuff they pay for.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even wait for people to ask my for a semen sample.
I offer them up all the time - I even brought one to a neighbor's Holiday Party last week.
Anyone here want one?
Just leave your address with my secretary, Ms. Forensic.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Suprisingly, I'm not one of those creepy guys. I get the urge to do so, but I know kharma would end my good luck, and I need to get those lights green.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want you to know that, right now, I'm wearing that special collar you sent me.
Y'know, the one that says 'Bitch'.
It makes me happy inside.
...
Also, it's hard for me to think of a way for this to have been more awesome.
<3
P.S.S. And you DO realize that I'm one of the creepy guys, right? At least, I am in my head.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i guess we'll have to start calling you the Cum-Queen instead of Skeletor
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-11-29 17:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
also, how was that catty?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha barry
sigh
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
grr
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shit
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
catty and sassy
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V
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you and all, and this was well written, but I could have done without the little dig at me...
"Then again, she was so desperate for male attention that she actually enjoyed this kind of interaction. I liked her, she was a nice person, but that woman was an attention whore. I also felt sorry for her because try as she might, she never could get picked up. I don't want to be mean, but if you saw her, you'd understand"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
i also peed on their nurse. she was cute too. i think her anger was more at my laughter than at the whole being second hand urinated on thing.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You pee'd on their rug, Dude.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've never had to give a semen sample.
the only time i had to piss in a cup i ended up spilling it all over the attending nurse as i went to hand it to her and tripped over the edge of some lovely throw rug. this did not endear me to the woman in question at all.
i believe they likely had to dispose of the rug.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forensicgirl rocks
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-29 16:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
couldn't finish the story due to amusing gif.
what was read, good stuff.
i could write about cement and trusses, but that would be a drag.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My own personal favorite is the two unlabeled cups prank.
The set up: Urine Test. You bring out two cups...one filled with fresh warm piss, the other with warm apple juice.
When questioned about the second cup say you found it in the bathroom, and were trying to be helpful by turning it in.
However you "confuse" the two cups, and take a sip from the apple juice cup and declare that you are certain that the contents in that cup were not from your body (truth..it's fucking apple juice) set the "wrong" cup down and proceed to write your name (or the fake name you made the appointment under) on the cup and leave.
This works best if there is a full waiting room and you talk loudly.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm yummy.
Submitted by MrTangent (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. I'm NOT defending these creepy guys by what I'm about to say, but it always strikes me that if a handsome guy would've tried pulling some of these stunts most female lab technicians would have thought him quirky, at best, and probably reciprocated his advances. Suffice to say, they were creepy persons just trying to get laid or get their rocks off (twice) by doing what they did, but again, I think their outward appearance probably, subconsciously, didn't do them any favors either. What I mean to say is, attraction goes a long way in defending a person's behavior. So does wealth. Look at some of the beautiful, young women who marry these old, unattractive rich guys for more elucidation.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never had to give a semen sample for anything. If I did, I think that I'd bring along green food coloring, just to mess with the lab techs.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know you have, Shlongy.
sigh
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That one is harmless.
I've asked you to show me your tits pretty much every time we've "conversed" in the last 3 years.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG! I +2'd myself!
RAAAAAAAA
See what happens when I talk about semen and Henley?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No but there was one who asked me to flash him my boobs.
I called security on that one.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY, you'd better not be calling Shlongy CREEPY.
Or, OLD.
You were pretty thankful when I gave you my load, OR SO I THOUGHT.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure Henley would be one of the creepy men.
Yeah. Without a doubt.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But did you ever have a guy come out and ask if you would drink some of it?
If you did you've probably met Shlongy.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I SMELL A RAPE!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DON HENLEY RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to call it my "baby-batter."
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
man puddin'....that's rich!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My urologist allowed me to "collect" my sample at home and bring it in within a few hours.
There was a OBGYN office on the same floor which made for awkward elevator rides.
I would stand there minding my own business next to a woman who looked like somehow she could sense I was holding a bag of my man puddin'.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Supreme Gif.
+2.
Now, off you go.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can usually manage 1 or 2 samples a day.
More if no one is around!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, saliva interferes.
Besides, the human mouth is one of the most filthiest places on the human body.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Question the first: While it's obvious why the act on the premises would be frowned upon, why is a sample-by-fellatio invalid? Saliva?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-29 15:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god.
EWEWEWEWEWEWEW