Pink Vomit Lady's House for the Morbidly Rich and Elderly (735 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: -0.77 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (View user info) at 2007-11-30 12:04:02 EST
Very Short Back ground, so you kinda know where I'm coming from in this.
My husband is in the military and is a fricken genius when it comes to languages. He speaks four fluently and is currently learning another. I married into the army and by doing this picked up all six boxes of belongings and moved from the only home I had ever lived in into a military dump in California which they call "housing" built sometime right after the Second World War, poor spouse got no sex for about a week for this. Practically the only thing that is great about my house is that it takes us literally five minutes to get to the beach, not that it's ever warm enough to go, (milk and cheerios taking precedence over wetsuits in the budget). Having left my semi cushy job back in a state that actually has four seasons in a year, (any state that doesn't needs to be given back to God, or Satan, whichever one, just so long as I don't have to live there) I set out on finding a new job to keep me busy while hubby learned yet another language this time of a middle eastern origin, which after about a month of studying he could hold conversations with foreigners that we met at the car dealership while I sat their feeling incredibly dumb.
In searching for a job I found a listing for a receptionist at a local Geezer house. My first thought was, old people home? I like old people, they have boring things to say, force you to cut their yellow, dagger-like toenails and throw dinner rolls dipped in mashed peas at you for existing, among other things. All in all a jolly set of grams and gramps. Having lived in this accursed state of perpetual early spring for only three weeks I set out for the interview an hour early and got there just in time, later finding that the place was about twenty minutes from my home. A pox on mapquest. I had done the whole interview preparation deal; grabbed a copy of my three page egotistical, truth-stretched-out-til-Satan-would-have-cringed résumé that I printed at the local Kinko's for .39 cents, (stupid cheap heads, I'm sure it only cost them 3 cents a page including ink and paper.) But I digress, I think. Where the fuck was I?? Oh yeah. I slapped some makeup on, something I refuse wear on the account of that I am one of the few lucky girls that does NOT need it and looks like a whore with it on. I pulled on those office pants that you aren't supposed to wear underwear with otherwise you get what's known as a panty-line, and pulled my mass of untamable blonde curls into a nerdy pencil-bun.
I showed up at the Assisted Living Center and realized when I saw the six story gothic building that this was not just a Geezer house but a Morbidly Rich Geezer house at that. I sat in the enormous lobby and watched the local Octogenarians hobble through the foyer and into what I later realized was the dining room, but actually looked like a five star restaurant. My interviewer came in and at first I thought a resident was approaching. She has a nerdy pencil bun that made mine look like the hottest thing out there. Her lipstick attempted to cover the fact that she no longer had any lips and somehow managed to get it all over her teeth. She was wearing one of those powder pink girl suits that made made her look thirteen rather than 55+. Immediately I felt the urge to projectile vomit on her disgustingly cute outfit. She extended her arthritic gnarled claw which I shook reluctantly and she grinned to show those ucky lipstick stained, gomer fangs that made Freddy Krueger look like the best candidate for the next crest commercial.
That interview was the biggest fricken joke of my life too. She spent thirty minutes talking about her precious "assisted living center", this was very closely the most boring lecture I have stumbled upon in my life, this coming from a girl who spends three hours at church every Sunday. I KNOW boring. Then she allowed me five precious minutes to let her know that I could in fact work a computer, and yes I was friendly and punctual, and that yes, I do know that old people are fragile and should be treated with respect (wishing the whole time that I could just kick her elderly ass up and down the stairs). It was all a load of garbage, but hey, someplace this fancy must sign pretty hefty paychecks. So I smiled and when I got home brushed the bullshit that got stuck in my teeth. She must have had to brush hers too, she ate it ALL up. (if the hag even HAD a tooth brush) After that she spent another hour talking about the job requirements and, of course, her precious Assisted Living Center aka Geezer Housing Facility, along with her struggles at not being able to receive state funding or a new building ordinance. As if I even cared!!! All I want is to sit at the front desk and smile at the local crazies shouting elderly obscenities at me. Wow this job just gets better and better.
Conversation ran some thing like this;
Me: This is a beautiful building
Its as old as shit and needs to be torn down
Pink Vomit Lady: Yes, it was once a hotel, people are under the assumption that we are here only for the rich elderly
Really? How ignorant of them, they must think that only because of the millions of Mercedes and the fricken French Restaurant right by the front.
Me: Oh.
Pink Vomit Lady: Well it's not. Many great people who have served this state reside here as a gift for their services as well as some of the more wealthy.
Corrupt politicians and morbidly wealthy? This must be a very charitable place.
Pink Vomit Lady continues to get increasingly more defensive as I sit there like a dumbass and say nothing, letting her get worked up. By the end she's practically ranting with spittle flying off her face in all directions while she rages on about an oppressive government that just doesn't understand the needs of the incredibly wealthy fogies of the community. The words "methinks she doth protest too much" ran through my head over and over. By this time I'm officially creeped out and ready to shit my pants just to have an excuse to get away from someone who is obviously in need of much help. Finally she finished, thanking me for my interview and telling me she would call in a few days.
As I leave an old man gives me the creepy pervert stare and I feel the urge to beat him over the head with the ornery old bitch walking next to him. But I contain myself and pretend to drop my notes so I have to bend over and give him a little show, his wife grants my wish by promptly beating him with her purse. Not quite what I wanted but I felt much better after manipulating octogenarians into fulfilling my violent fantasies. Yes I am a very sick and cruel girl at heart, and my hubby LOVES me for it.
A few days later Pinkd did call and feeling a little evil I decided to get her going again. I asked her how state funding was coming and put the phone down by the receiver. It took her about ten minutes of rage before she realized I was no longer listening. Needless to say I did not get the job. Darn, what a loss.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-12-02 19:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Transvestite? He must be talking about Bart.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-02 18:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-01 18:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh yeah...listen to icarus.
He carries a LOT of weight on Uber- everyone here takes their lead from him.
I know I don't post unless he says my post is A-OK.
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You mean I'm not a legend around here? Like the transvestite? Or the redneck illiterate and his twenty alters? How about the token getriatric who'll praise any slore dumb enough to post picture of her hole to a bunch of internet nobodies? How do I rank among these pillars of society?
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2007-12-02 04:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off and die a horrid slow painful death cunt flaps
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-12-01 22:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Withholding sex from your military husband= -2.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-12-01 19:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-01 18:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh yeah...listen to icarus.
He carries a LOT of weight on Uber- everyone here takes their lead from him.
I know I don't post unless he says my post is A-OK.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-01 18:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-01 09:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Icarus, I can't prove to you that I'm not one of the regulars. But I'm not, and I have a little more self respect than they do, I think.
____________
I not only showed my boobs, I showed a lot of other people's, too. That makes you a million times better than me, and it shows. Keep up the good work.
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Not that you'll read this, but I consider your writing to be extremely strong. I just don't see why anyone would post their breasts/butts etc for a bunch of internet nobodies to wank off to.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-01 18:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Icarus, I can't prove to you that I'm not one of the regulars. But I'm not, and I have a little more self respect than they do, I think. You were right it sounded judgemental, I need to capture that lady's true craziness, because, really, she was a snob, and crazy. I'll remember to shorten it next time.
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The only reason I think you COULD be an alter is because 90% of the shitheels on this site seem to enjoy steeping their alters in baklava-like layers of sapiness. That's not to say that sappy is always fake; sometimes life can be sappy. It's just easier for shitheels to tear into. You don't have anything to prove to me or to anyone else, and you're right. You could just as easily post a picture of your <insert bodypart>. Google's full of them. If you're genuine, it'll show over time.
I don't think this post was horrible; I think you already have the ability to write descriptively. I think the reason it wasn't recieved well is because:
A. You're new and likely female. The LCD are going to act like fuckwits until you show them explicit pictures (or they get bored).
B. The children here have a short attention span. Chop it down, and it would have been recieved better.
C. Your authorial voice came off as a bit judgemental. Read your posts like others would read them, and you'll probably lose that.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-01 09:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Icarus, I can't prove to you that I'm not one of the regulars. But I'm not, and I have a little more self respect than they do, I think.
____________
I not only showed my boobs, I showed a lot of other people's, too. That makes you a million times better than me, and it shows. Keep up the good work.
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Icarus, I can't prove to you that I'm not one of the regulars. But I'm not, and I have a little more self respect than they do, I think. You were right it sounded judgemental, I need to capture that lady's true craziness, because, really, she was a snob, and crazy. I'll remember to shorten it next time.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I'll keep my loser, first attempt rating, rather than prostitute my boobs for a better one. Is that why there are so many high ratings for the girls here?
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Generally speaking, yes. There's like two, maybe three women on this site I have respect for. The rest are either whores or Jonnyx. Like I said, keep your shirt on and you'll do fine. You probably won't get the best ratings, but I don't really know that it matters in the grand scheme of things like dignity, self-respect, and not prostituting yourself to the lowest common denominator.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a tad judgemental, probably could have used a bit more spit and polish, but it wasn't terrible, really. I mean, I've seen the regulars here churn out posts that were ten time worse and come out cleaner than this.
The main reason you're getting reemed (and again, assuming you're not one of the local shitheel's alters) is that your paragraphs come across as solid blocks of test. The majority of users on uber have far too much Ritalin and porn in their systems to pay attention for longer than, say, the end of this sentence without a noticeable line break.
The rest are bored at work, and need to make it to the end of THIS sentence before the assistant manager comes back from his potty break.
Keep it short and sweet and you should do fine in the future. Again, assuming you're not an alter. Which you probably are.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Welcome to Uber.
Buckle up.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah, looking back this really sucked. I'll drag it back out in a couple months and maybe have a go at it but after what feels like a million negative comments I'm not so sure I want to try.
---
1. Worst name ever, seriously.
B. You fail at life
$. SHOW US YOUR HOLE
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahh, I see, when they say b@w they mean that Bart will probably post it on that website. That's actually how I stumbled upon this place.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bored At Work.com
GO forth, read, laugh, and be happy.
Also, if you +2 all my posts, I'll +2 yours. It's circle-jerkery at it's best!
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I'll keep my loser, first attempt rating, rather than prostitute my boobs for a better one. Is that why there are so many high ratings for the girls here? anyway anyone that can tell me what b@w stands for would be my hero.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My tits are not anything worth showing
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The interweb people will be the judge of that. Now start taking and emailing pictures.
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My tits are not anything worth showing
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh true I totally forgot about the remedial 'show us your tits'
do it
do it
you'll get like a thousand hits
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's just the Uber welcome it means we love you
tough it out for a while and they'll just start to ignore you or even maybe read your stuff
either way good luck
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I see potential in you.
You could make up for this post by showing us your tits though.
It will totally reverse the ratings here.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:03:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
DO YOU TAKE IT IN THE ASS?
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Craptastic
but, so is my stuff. Unless it's a poop story.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH BOSH etc
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's just the Uber welcome it means we love you
tough it out for a while and they'll just start to ignore you or even maybe read your stuff
either way good luck
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah, looking back this really sucked. I'll drag it back out in a couple months and maybe have a go at it but after what feels like a million negative comments I'm not so sure I want to try. I didn't even notice the fricks and frickens in there, usually i edit those out because, i know, it sounds 12. Thanks for the welcome, hopefully my second post will do a little better.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
with a little more love and no their/there confusion this could have been a lot better. welcome new person don't suck anymore.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I sPEaK ThREe lAnGuAgES FlUEntLy DoeS ThAT MaKE mE A FRiCkIn GENIUS!!!!!!!
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For the love of all that is holy, just say "fuck".
Wait...you're not twelve, are you? No. Okay then. Use "fuck".
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
*fricken
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I loathe any person that uses the following:
gurl
grrrl
ficken
CAPITALIZED words to promote emphasis
In short, you.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
At first I thought it was cynicism setting the tone here. Then I thought it was jealousy at the success of others. Then I thought it was an expression of your frustration at your unfulfilled entitlement fantasies. But then I realized: you just hate everybody, don't you?
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So... what you're saying is that she's a perfect fit for Uber?
You just sound like a brat to me.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hehe look at the nOObs sticking together
Submitted by nick44 (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A point for evil.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
At first I thought it was cynicism setting the tone here. Then I thought it was jealousy at the success of others. Then I thought it was an expression of your frustration at your unfulfilled entitlement fantasies. But then I realized: you just hate everybody, don't you?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It pains me to +2 this, but in honour of my 11 month old son walking today, I am +2ing every post.
Welcome anyway. I would have rated it -1 otherwise.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
SAY FRICKEN AGAIN
Submitted by theBarron (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
RUBBISH.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sometimes i decide to actually read an entire post on uber. i mean, i take in all the pic posts, and the short blurby things, and i always read what a few people have to say because they consistently entertain me.
i'm talking about the other posts...the ones with a mess of words that look like someone had something that they really needed to express but my general add-ness prevents me from taking in.
so, i opened this up, hoping for pictures, or some short and amusing anecdote, or maybe a few dick and fart and shit jokes. what i got was a giant chunnk of words. not having read a post in a while, i thought, "why the fuck not"? and started reading.
and it was fucking bad from word one. but i forged ahead, hoping it would get better.
and it didn't.
i read this whole fucking thing, from obnoxious-self-involved-word number one, to obnoxious-self-involved-word number 10,000 and i hate and am disappointed in myself for this.
more importantly i hate and am disappointed in you for this.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This had so much potential.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
#1- Chop up those blocks o text.
#2- I'd rather vomit blood than read your pen-name again.
#3- "But I digress, I think. Where the fuck was I??"- Keep this shit in emails.
#4- It appeared that this story may have had substance if it were better written, so no -2, but try harder next time.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I read about a quarter of this and got bored. BTW, speaking 4 languages doesn't make you a genius at them.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-30 12:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf