Platonic Mistress Tales: The Categories (868 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.15 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paralyzed By Hope (View user info) at 2007-11-30 13:12:33 EST
You may be asking yourself, "What the hell is a PLATONIC mistress?!?"
The explanation is quite simple. It's that female friend of your boyfriend/husband that you don't quite like. She's nice. She's sweet. She's actually a pretty cool girl. And though you may not be able to put your finger on it, you just don't like her. In fact, sometimes you want to rip her eyeballs out of their sockets. Your boyfriend/husband is too good of a guy to ACT on that electricity sizzling between them. Those looks. Those private jokes. But the thought of them getting sweaty together constantly swims in your head. When she laughs and touches him, it seems like only a thread is keeping him from falling to her feet.
Don't worry. If you have a good guy, it's not like he's GOING to sleep with her. No. She's worth more than that. If anything, he'd break up with you and DATE her. Because she's classy like that. And he knows she doesn't deserve double-dipping, and neither do you. There are varying degress of the platonic mistress, harmless to completely dangerous. But they essentially fall into three categories.
First Level: True Friend
She's not exactly his sister, but it's really not far off. The sexual tension you may believe you're seeing is just their intimacy. Your guy and his (girl)friend are close. Scary close. And honestly, this is a good thing. Take it as a sign that your guy won't have problems with intimacy. If he can be that close with her, there's potential for him to be that close with you. The fact you're being jealous of her and getting angry at their friendship only means you don't feel that same closeness to him, and you're being a green three-eyed monster about it. If you're just starting to date...relax. It takes time to build up to that point. If you've been together a long time and you're still envious at how different he is with her, try to remember there's probably a reason for that. There's a reason she's only a friend and you're the one he's with. So chill.
Example: You and him are on a vacation in NYC. And he buys her a figurine of a dancing Statue of Liberty with gigantic boobs, with the comment, "Man, she's going to fucking fall over when she sees this."
Second Level: The Unaware One
They don't see it. They've only ever been friends. Though there's sexual tension between them, they can't admit it...because they're blind. Totally blind. Their friendship is heartfelt and pure...on the surface. Your guy isn't trying to delve too deep into his feelings for her. Maybe they've looked inwardly before. Maybe they saw the edge of that invisible mountain and came running back to the safe zone. This is Izzy and George - before the bad sex. (Yes, I am making a reference to Grey's. Bite me.) This is the friendship that could erupt into a lot of hotness. The passion is crawling right below their skin. This is the friendship that takes one drunken night, with impaired inhibitions, to turn into a full-fledged love affair. By affair, I'm not saying he'll be keeping her hidden from view. No. He'll be dumping you and crawling to her, his heart full of hope and wonder, shaking his head and muttering to himself, "How could I not see it?"
Example: You and him are on vacation in San Francisco. He spends two hours in an antique shop looking for that perfect gift for her. He finds it when he sees a pair of earrings that remind HIM of her grandmother's pair that she always loved. He turns wide, happy eyes to you, saying, "She's just going to love this."
Third Level: Honestly, You're Just Screwed
She was the love of his life. And technically, unfortunately for you, she still is. They dated. It was a tumultuous affair, a ripe rollercoaster type of relationship. They didn't break up because they decided they weren't right for each other. They're not together at the moment because their rollercoaster got caught on a dip. There's plenty of ride left. You're the blip. He doesn't talk about her faults unless it has to do with: how far away she lives, how much he despises her new boyfriend, how her mother is a nut job, how her friends need to update their lives, and other similar annoyances. But you've never heard him describe her with one negative personality trait. In truth, he has more or less said her personality rocks. And his eyes kind of glaze over when her name is mentioned. She knows you're the blip. He even knows you're the blip. He won't cheat on you...with her anyway. She wouldn't let that happen. She has a certain sense of dignity and self-respect. No. Instead, she plants uncertainties in his mind. Is he trying to be happy? What is he doing to prevent himself being happy? Is he picking out YOUR faults as a way to avoid getting too close? What can he do so that he might be happy with you? The final response to all of these questions? He just wants to be with her. You are not her. Yes, you are screwed. She won't go away. She never does. The thought of her never really disappears. It may fade, but it has logged in his brain, refusing to let go. They can even stop talking. For longer than you may think is possible. But he always gets too curious. He always finds her again. He always makes that first contact. Because, like I said, she's the love of his life. Anybody else would be settling.
Example: He may buy you flowers or pay for your movie or treat you to dinner, but he buys her gift certificates because he wants to get something for her that will both make her happy and last. He calls her as soon as you leave so he can talk to her while he's falling asleep. He sends her about 40 to 60 text messages a day, ranging from neutral daily comments to sexually explicit randiness to the occasional complaint about you, your whining, etc to somewhat regular declarations of love. Oh, and that vacation trip? He takes her. After he dumps you.
You may be asking, "But how? How do I know which category she falls in? And what makes you an expert?"
First of all, you can watch him. Watch her. Make your deductions and live with your assumption. Secondly, life's a little better with some uncertainty. Thirdly, I'm not an expert, however, I do have some inner knowledge of Level 3's.
I can't say much more. Except...game on. Game on.
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User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-06 11:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm category three for one of my exes but honestly I can't stand him so it's a one-sided thing
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Really, when you think about it, that's pretty fucking dark.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-01 22:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-01 22:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Phone call demanding sex while he's at work. If it doesn't work, then he's clearly gay, and most likely sexing one of the worker drones."
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Not a chance, he can't STAND them.
Refers to them as The Herd.
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That's my point exactly. He's got a great cover, but have you ever asked yourself, how easy would it be for him to cull one from the heard?
Not only is he the boss, but he's also the owner. Having a position of power at work, turning down sex with hot wife, and spending all his time at work, just doesn't add up to straight male, manic.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-01 22:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Phone call demanding sex while he's at work. If it doesn't work, then he's clearly gay, and most likely sexing one of the worker drones."
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Not a chance, he can't STAND them.
Refers to them as The Herd.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-01 22:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-01 21:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That won't work. The roofers set it on fire last April. Guess who stood on a flaming roof and put the damn thing out before the local FD got there.
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You're kidding? My suggestion of arson usually fixes the problem, and I know you aren't going to go with my "shoot the source of the problem in the head" option, because you want a father for your kids.
New solution. Phone call demanding sex while he's at work. If it doesn't work, then he's clearly gay, and most likely sexing one of the worker drones.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-01 21:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That won't work. The roofers set it on fire last April. Guess who stood on a flaming roof and put the damn thing out before the local FD got there.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-01 21:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-01 09:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am somehow blessed and cursed by my husband's platonic mistress.
You can't have sex with a restaurant, but you CAN spend all your time with it.
I do get jealous, but how the hell do you kick the shit out of an inanimate object that outweighs you by several hundred tons?
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Arson.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-01 09:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am somehow blessed and cursed by my husband's platonic mistress.
You can't have sex with a restaurant, but you CAN spend all your time with it.
I do get jealous, but how the hell do you kick the shit out of an inanimate object that outweighs you by several hundred tons?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-30 20:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fourth Level: Monkey
One of the members of the couple is a bipedal simian NOT of the genus Homo Sapiens. While the other member may have feelings for the monkey ranging from "The engorged behind of this individual sets off a number of erotic processes in my brain that makes me want to 'monkey around' and inseminate it" to "this monkey will provide me with the short term comfort of picking fleas out of my hair with the long term security of climbing up a tree and screeching when a jaguar or other predator is in the vicinity". Unfortunately, it is likely that the monkey's feelings will not be a reflection of this, with the monkey giving a purely analytical, almost calculated account of their human partner on the strictly mathematical basis of the human's capacity to fetch and continue to fetch fresh bananas. In other words, if your partner has ready access to bananas then you have nothing to worry about, but if not, there could be problems down the road.
Example: You spend two hours in a greengrocer on long island trying to get an overexcited monkey down from a chandelier while it hurls feces and (presumably) insults at you. Your partner turns to you with wide eyes and quips: "Baby, he's going ape-shit".
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how bout if that other is your wife's childhood friend and the only way you can get into it (fucking your wife)is when you think of her.
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And that makes you a douche.
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oh hey czwij - I certainly don't think that makes you a 'douche' - just unhappy.
Good luck with that.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
btw is there a guy that DOESN'T bitch about his girlfriend at least a little bit?
is there anyone that doesn't bitch about their significant other?
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I don't. I really do not. I suppose I could find something about her to complain about, but for every little thing I could mention, a) there're 10 things she does/is that obviate it, and 2) there're 12 things I do/am that I consider more annoying (and those are only the ones I am aware of). So I tell her she's the best, write 'Hot One!' backwards (so she has to read it) on her windshield up where the wipers can't reach it before she goes to work, and say "Way to go!" when she spends new-car money on buying a horse. I refer to her as MLW (My Lovely Wife) for a reason.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
totally know what you mean. one friend i know has made out with or fucked nearly every straight guy i know and another one bitched that she couldn't find someone that she hadn't already fucked or hadn't already been fucked by previously mentioned girl.
what the hell? stop sharing penis.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I onced looked at a picture of my closest group of friends and cross referenced everyone who, to my knowledge, had fucked or wanted to fuck. It was mind boggling.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
btw is there a guy that DOESN'T bitch about his girlfriend at least a little bit?
is there anyone that doesn't bitch about their significant other?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i've never had a boyfriend with any of these. i've had the fuck buddy with these though.
i guess i'm THAT girl without really being that girl.
Submitted by Mekare (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So true...so fucking true.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how bout if that other is your wife's childhood friend and the only way you can get into it (fucking your wife)is when you think of her.
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holy crap, dude.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
judged by some twat on the internet.
fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So is #4 "the friend you pay to beat you up and humiliate you?"
That sort of mistress has yet to be described.
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That's not a mistress. That's called Thursday night.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how bout if that other is your wife's childhood friend and the only way you can get into it (fucking your wife)is when you think of her.
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And that makes you a douche.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fucked below
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 14:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how bout if that other is your wife's childhood friend and the only way you can get into it (fucking your wife)is when you think of her.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being good friends with a guy when there is a strong attraction creates a big fat danger zone if either of you are in a relationship.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a two for the last ten years.
i didn't really need to know this or be reminded of it right now.
as i had a little incident in order to get away from the no.2 situation.
it blew up in my face and i may have lost a good friend because of it.
why did she sleep with me if afterwards it would ruin our relationship.
it's been a week. maybe its too early to tell and i am totally wrong, but i dont think so...
wish i could go back.
wish i could go back to when hot wheels were the coolest and grrls were icky.
woe's me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So is #4 "the friend you pay to beat you up and humiliate you?"
That sort of mistress has yet to be described.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mail me sacrilicious
meatspinner1977.at.aol.com
oh a cracking post by the way.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Once, my close-friend-of-many-years' NEW girlfriend pitched a FIT when she heard he was GOING TO LUNCH WITH ME. We would crash in the same bed, hang out every weekend, etc..I knew she was insane and short-lived as his girlfriend when the jealousy started over a lunch.
I'm probably viewed as the platonic mistress sometimes because I have solid, long-term friendships with a whole circle of friends who are predominately male. And it's sad, because while it's true that over the years I've hooked up with a few of them, I'm not a real threat to any of their future relationships.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks, dr. phil!
haha
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks, dr. phil!
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! I have one! Platonic mistress... I'm definitely going to use this term from now on.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm category three for one of my exes but honestly I can't stand him so it's a one-sided thing
This was awesome
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-30 13:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)