Conversations with My Daughter, Pt. 1 (PPF) (1471 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2007-11-30 15:49:53 EST
Pointless Post Friday
The Place: A Bathroom.
The Situation: The Kid is taking a shit before school. My presence has been requested for the wiping of the ass.
The Post: A shit-post that should have been brought to you on a Thursday.
Preface: I would have posted this yesterday, but this conversation didn't take place until this morning, so I couldn't.
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The Kid: Daddy, I don't have the runs anymore. I don't have to take that pink medicine tonight.
Me: Good, Baby. That stuff doesn't work anyway.
The Kid: I know. And it's chalky. I don't like it.
Me: I don't like it either. Are you done?
The Kid: No. I think there's more.
(short break in the conversation)
The Kid: I guess I kind of have the runs, but not like before. Before, it was just *pouring* out. Now, it's just pouring out a little bit. It was really *pouring* out before. For like three days!
Me: Mmm-hmm.
The Kid: Daddy, what does one door plus one door equal?
Me: Two doors.
The Kid: Nope. A window.
Me: Hmmmm. Are you done yet?
The Kid: No. There's still some coming out. But it's not pouring out like before.
Me: That's good, Baby.
The Kid: Is Mommy going to make me take that pink medicine?
Me: I don't know, Kid. That's up to Mommy. You done yet?
The Kid: No. Not yet.
(short break in the conversation)
The Kid: Daddy, what's one lock plus one lock equal?
Me: Two locks?
The Kid: Nope. Two locks make one big lock.
Me: Oh. I guess that makes sense. You done yet? We gotta get you to class.
The Kid: No. I wanna make sure it's all out.
Me: Yeah. That's important.
The Kid: 'specially when you got the runs, huh?
Me: Yeah. I've taught you well, haven't I?
The Kid: Yeah. (pause) Okay I'm done.
(wiping commences and is completed; this is followed by the washing of the hands)
The Kid: Daddy? Mommy's going to make me take that pink medicine isn't she?
Me: Yeah. Probably.
The Kid: Daddy. What does one soap plus one soap equal?
Me: You tell me.
The Kid: Two soaps. Duh. Jeez. You don't even know what one plus one equals. I know that, and I'm only in first grade!!
Me: Hmmmm. Let's go to school, Kid.
The Kid: Thanks, Daddy.
Me: For what?
The Kid: For wiping my butt.
Me: Hmmmm.
-----
I've seen worse posts. Cunt off.
Happy weekend, or something.
User Reviews
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2008-03-22 15:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want some kids.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 15:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-23 13:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-12-02 18:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like your side of a police report.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-01 15:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm almost ashamed to say that I didn't know you had a kid. How old?
---
well, as i tend to attract some negative attention to myself, i don't divulge much personal info here anymore. but yeah. kids. plural.
the boy is rapidly closing in on 3 years old. the girl is 7 months old.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-01 10:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe i have those conversations when im wiping my own ass
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-12-01 01:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The logic of a child can be one of the most heartwarming things ever.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Making Me Laugh Out Loud Tonight Score:
Wildman - 2
HotWillie - 2
-------------------------------------------------------
I'm out.
Goodnight everybody!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Making Me Laugh Out Loud Tonight Score:
Wildman - 2
HotWillie - 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ashanet.org/projects/project-view.php?p=327
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There's plently of places with fewer retards.
------
Really? Name one.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 22:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't pull that schtick on me.
Save it for the weekday circle jerkers.
There's plently of places with fewer retards. Ubersite revels in its own feces and that's fine with me. It is what it is.
But don't get folksy and tell me shit don't stink, especially when you've been wiping it all day.
Make a necklace out of that, old man.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pearl of wisdom below.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So is just about every place I've ever been. That's life. You get used to it.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just look in every once in a while.
I'd fucking kill myself if I had to look at uber every day.
It's cockful of rampant retards.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well fuck yeah I'm overrated. What was your first clue? I guess you haven't been around much, have you? And here I figured you'd been lurking.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So she's slow then?
haha just kidding.
I just felt like fucking with someone and judging by the rating on this post you're overrated so I picked you.
Nothing personal, of course.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
my kid makes me laugh better than anyone else.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure I can think of anything less arousing than wiping shit off somebody. Maybe that's just me.
But yeah...that was my shtick. Not so much anymore. I need a new shtick.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was supposed to be a zero.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-11-30 21:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Aren't you that old guy with the I'm-drunk-all-the-time-but-I'm-an-awesome-daddy-so-here's-some-pearls-of-wisdom-to-impress-the-college-kids-schtick?
If you're still wiping your kid's ass when she's in school either she's developmentally disabled or you're a kiddy fiddler.
Or both.
haha not really but who knows?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 19:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Kid and the Woman are talking about the pink medicine right now.
Submitted by SanDee (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is just so sweet
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-30 18:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing story. Keep Shandy away from it (and the kid) at all costs.
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HAHA
Uber in-jokes make me giggle.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
When I finished reading the story, I chuckled at its utter pointlessness.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing story. Keep Shandy away from it (and the kid) at all costs.
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why not.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am all alone. My kids are at grans and I am trying to finish a paper on Euripides Medea that was supposed to be in today. Go figure. Right, I am being chucked off I am going to bed with my Toblerone and picture of Sico. See you freaks next week.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
orphy, go to bed. its like 10 20 where you are.
im working so im up for the next three days.
you ve been on this silly site all day.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids are fantastic. This post is kids in a nutshell.
Being a parent rocks seven kinds of shit.
Oh look at me trying to sound cool. You are lovely. +2.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-30 17:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS POST WIPED THE SHIT OUTTA MOST POSTS.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this post.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
she
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad he was on the shitter.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should have ended it when she reminded you that she was in first grade.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can identify times three.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yo kid is pretty bosh
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have kids and I don't mean to be disrespectful, but why can't your daughter wipe her own ass?
I mean, according to my folks, once I was potty trained I was on my own.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like your side of a police report.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. kids. you're still wiping a first grader though? I was a happy guy when my son was eligible to quote big daddy : I wipe my own ass!
pretty sure it was well before first grade.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-30 16:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
And her only 23 years old, too!
Sorry, but reading this only drops one's IQ. Perhaps it's because I don't have kids that I find this type of thing so boring. But I doubt it. Again, sorry for the harsh, but c'mon... If someone else posted this, what would you rate it?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the kind of post that happens after working till 4 a.m. the night before and drinking beer after working 1/2 a day because I'm tired and shit. It's probably my nap time, too.
Sico's pretty...oh so pretty...tra la la.
'night
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was really waiting for some funny in this post....imagine my disappointment. Don't worry, though! This 0 will be pretty insignificant as you're a pretty likeable guy.
S.I. Co. = Pretty
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heartwarming tale.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-30 15:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From the mouths of babes..