Bumper Hunting - Animals are stupid hairy dumb asses (684 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.63 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2007-12-03 12:41:57 EST
I started to write a response to RAYG's post, http://www.ubersite.com/m/113511, and it got too long so I thought I'd just put a post together.
It got so long because I've done my share of bumper hunting. My first kill was a large doe. I was on my way to band practice one night and I saw her and another deer standing on the side of the road so I slowed down so I wouldn't destroy them as they bolted across the road. One of the deer did just that, bolted across and ran away. The other one just stood there looking at me. Figuring she would spook and turn or at least continue to stand there looking at me like some catatonic idiot I slowly began to drive past her, watching her the whole time. Apparently her catatonia wore off and turned into suicidal rage at the sight of my red truck daring to cross in front of her because she lower her head and bolted, straight into the bed end of my truck leaving a giant deer shaped crater. She got up and ran far enough to lie down and die. Stupid bitch.
Kill two was a red fox. I was on my way back from a Skankin Pickle/Rudiments show on the other side of SD. If you've never driven I-90 in SD I will just say that it is incredibly dull, straight, and built for speed. I was cruising along at just over a hundred MPH and was quickly pulling up on a semi. I was rocketing past him and suddenly saw the fox darting off the shoulder. I had no time to react and nowhere to go so I tried centering myself over him as well as I could with little room and time to work. I didn't see him come out the back end of the car but I know I hit him because of the loud and uncomfortable thump as I went over him.
A few years ago I was driving across SD again and was on the tail of this truck who felt he should camp out in the passing lane and hold hands with the driver next to him instead of letting traffic flow around their dumb asses. We were doing the speed limit, 75 MPH. There was another car behind the guy in the right lane and so I was pretty well boxed in. Suddenly I see a minor swerve from the truck in front of me and this great spray of crimson splashing up on my VW Passat and then the mangled carcass of what I presume to be a deer comes out from under the truck. Having nowhere to go I once again centered myself and drove over it hoping it wouldn't lodge under my low to the ground German road machine. Loud fantastic thump and then it squirted out behind me for the driver behind me to contend with. None of us stopped. It was already incredibly dead, what was the point?
About two years ago my, then wife, called me because she'd been rear ended by some stupid little girl who did not want the cops called. She asked me come because the girl was threatening her and she had called the cops. I went, we waited, cops did their thing and then it was time for me to go. A block and a half from where she'd been rear ended I caught a glimpse of motion out of the corner of my eye and turned just in time to see a large buck plant his face inches from mine on my driver's side window. He then rolled down the die of the truck leaving huge dents all the way down, got up and ran away to go die in the woods. There was hair stuck in the window, his face was printed on the window, there was a perfect hoof print on the end of the bed and blood, piss and shit everywhere. Dumb ass.
Finally, I've taken out many birds and a few squirrels but never anything bigger than a deer. No, I left the heavy work for my Uncle. My grandfather had died and so we drove north into the Northwoods. He flew to Chicago from TX and then rented a car and drove to meet us. We went to the wake, everyone of course feeling the loss of a great man and then we went our separate way for the night. My uncle called about ten minutes after we left and said he'd been in accident and asked if we could come help him. Still dressed in our funeral clothes we of course drove to his aid. We arrived at the scene to see his rental car totally mangled and he tells us to walk with him. He took us a hundred yards down the road and laying in the median was the largest black bear I have ever seen. Its head was massive; it's paws here huge and had big long sharp claws on each. It was about 9:30 p.m. and as he drove on the highway he didn't see the bear until it was too late. He clipped the bear's head with the front passenger headlight/fender and the massive animal rolled all the way down the side of the car totaling it. The tow truck loaded up the rental car and then helped us lift the bear into the back of my dad's truck. Still dressed up for the funeral we took the bear out into the woods and gutted it and then dropped it off at a freezer. We had bear steaks for lunch the next day and my uncle had a large rug made. The taxidermist said it would be close to record size and boiled the skull for free which my uncle now has sitting on his desk. I would love to have heard the conversation my uncle had with the rental car company in Chicago. "Hello? Yeah, I hit a bear and the car is totaled." In the end we figured this was the kind of thing that would have amused my grandfather in a big way, the whole situation. I do hope that he was somewhere laughing at us as we dealt with the bear.
User Reviews
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-12-05 11:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I heard a story from my friend's dad a few years ago about hitting a deer while he was driving a motorcycle. To hear him tell it, the deer was more or less cut/blown in half and he was covered with blood and shit and intestine.
Does anyone have evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to confirm that this might be possible?
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My boss drives a Harley, he says that this is EXTREMELY possible
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-03 18:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you hit all that shit because you look at it, just like the tree, pole or car in the middle of nowhere that everyone somehow manages to smash into
if you look to the side, or look at anything other than what you think you're going to hit, you'll miss it
source: old issue of scientific american
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-03 17:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I heard a story from my friend's dad a few years ago about hitting a deer while he was driving a motorcycle. To hear him tell it, the deer was more or less cut/blown in half and he was covered with blood and shit and intestine.
Does anyone have evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to confirm that this might be possible?
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-12-03 17:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The second paragraph made me laugh the third made me chuckle and I didn't really enjoy the rest so + 1 for the laugh
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-12-03 17:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-03 15:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I hit him because of the loud and uncomfortable thump as I went over him.
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An oft heard statement at my house.
I had more to say, but I don't think I will now.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-03 15:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
all but one of the animals were hit in South Dakota, the one large buck that hit me was in Wisconsin. My uncle hit the bear in Northern wisconsin also known as the northwoods.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-03 15:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god where on earth do you live? I've never hit anything in my life.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not bad, a little "gamey". I'd had bear before in a summer sausage but that probably had something else "cut" into it.
That rug is huge. my uncle's, then, four year old was in the car when he hit the bear and was all upset that they hit smoky. Uncle asked the taxidermist for closed mouth form for the head but taxidermist said they don't make closed mouth for a bear that size. it's claws were nearly two inches or more long and it's canine's were giant too. i haven't seen the skull unfortunately.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How'd the bear taste? I want rug and a skull for my desk.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One of my dad's neighbors came by as he was stringing a deer up...and thanked him.
Too many "city" folk think deer = Bambi from Disney.
In reality they are giant tasty rats who devour gardens, plant life, and have few natural predators remaining thanks to the encroachment of man. PETA can suck my balls...venison is tasty.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-03 14:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i fucking hate deer. anything dumb enough to run into something way bigger than it should die.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i hit a yeti once.
unBELIEVable damage.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
unfortunately I can appreciate this story
Luckily the biggest thing I've hit on my bike is a chipmunk
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a common hazard here in the Midwest. I hit one and had to replace the radiator.
It started to dart in front of my car, stopped, turned around and ran the other way, then when I started to accelerate again, turned around again and darted in front of my car before I could stop.
Aaaaargh! Such stupid animals. Not their fault but still.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I almost hit an 8-pointer. Now I kinda wish I did.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh and my uncle hit the bear. it was a ninja, all dressed in black and shambling stealthily through the night. invisibly waiting for it's chance to play chicken. sadly the old boy just wasn't fast enough and the rental car was just a little tougher than he.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps you'll notice though that I have not actually hit a living deer and the other two animals i hit were while trappped and driving fast. The damn deer attack ME! Don't you see?! They're after me!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i have managed to avoid hitting everything that has thrown itself in front of my cars so far, minus a few birds. and a LOT of things have thrown themselves in front of my car.
from this we can assume that i am a better driver than you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
When you start running over asshole pedestrians, maybe you can keep my attention for more than 2 paragraphs.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-03 13:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can think of four similar stories just off the top of my head, but I'll spare you all...for now.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-03 12:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
will do so tonight when I am able. canna do so at work because they're a bunch of dicks.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-03 12:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahah
here watch this, my condolences
http://voshy.com/videos/view.php?id=2opaf52j
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-03 12:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks dick
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-03 12:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think i liked it better when you weren't posting