Diary at the end of the world (528 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -0.33 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tj Wilk <no_blank_spaces.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-12-04 00:49:09 EST
Dear diary.
Its been seven days since the coming of the Sea. A unthinking monster, it rose and swamped the city. 2 days of moaning, screaming, it could all be heard from my sanctuary. But on the 3rd day it was silent. Everybody must be dead, drowned or else, they have lost all will, they are pinned under wreckage, sea weed, sharpened metal wires curled around their arms and legs.
I have spent this time with my back against the thick Perspex screen. I do not wish to look out at the world, the raging ocean of death that surrounds my sanctuary. There was very little warning that humanity would end. A terrifying yet magnificent white light spread across the sky, engulfing the once blue horizon. I had been in the tall sanctuary, preparing for an end which I thought would never happen. And suddenly the light flared and I fell to my knees in awe. Sensors buzzed, machines clicked over their cycles and the heavy blast doors slammed to the ground and sealed airtight. Yet I could still hear. There were sensors all over the sanctuaries perimeter, I daren't turn them off. All I can hear now is the moving, crashing ocean. It's still surging, growing in strength, it's not running back to its territory, its reclaiming the land and there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can ever do.
But Rock! !!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2007-12-04 16:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Not so much no.
As an aside I think you are supposed to write the numbers one through nine instead of the numeral.
Unless there is a larger number in the same sentence in which case they are both keyed in # form.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-04 14:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
4) Needs more depth. I'm all about apocolyptica, but it's hard to get into 2 paragraphs.
-----
loves me some apocolyptica.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 13:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-04 12:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You wish
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-04 11:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the concept here, but a few things I noticed:
1) "daren't"- Since you're writing in the time of blast doors and perspex, you need to update the vocabulary a bit, it just clashes with the setting.
2) It's much too short, I think it would be better if you grouped several entries together and posted all at once.
3) Break up the paragraphs a bit more, and clean it up some.
4) Needs more depth. I'm all about apocolyptica, but it's hard to get into 2 paragraphs.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-12-04 10:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-04 10:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perspex
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-04 10:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-12-04 01:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"2 days of moaning, screaming, it could all be heard from my sanctuary"
That can also be heard in the hallway outside Method's Mom"s apartment.
haha
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-12-04 08:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Its a good start, but you need to clean up the writing some. It could work a series of diary entries over a few days, too.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-04 08:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could have at least linked a Twisted Sister song at the end of it.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-12-04 06:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
neat
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-04 05:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113537#2596705
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-04 05:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.macon.com/198/story/199963.html
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-04 05:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Also you should stop listening to Pink Floyd. Ace as it is, it is actually bad for you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-04 05:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my God! Go outside you freak! Get a haircut! Why haven't you got a girlfriend yet? Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you and stand up straight! What's wrong with you!?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-04 04:20:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Tjhom (user info) at 2007-12-04 03:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah i dont really know what i was thinking
Its like you find yourself on some wonderful stream of thought and then it feels tedious and you have to back away. In any case i have work too early tomorrow to even think properly.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-12-04 01:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"2 days of moaning, screaming, it could all be heard from my sanctuary"
That can also be heard in the hallway outside Method's Mom"s apartment.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-12-04 01:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.asklopan.com/pictures/bacon.gif
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-12-04 01:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
...couldve been so much more.