The Week of Spam (1571 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 104 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2007-12-04 20:19:37 EST
11/4/07
I called my mother and told her I'd run out of money. I'd just paid the rent and water and power bill. After that I had two dollars left, which wasn't enough to buy groceries. She wrote my address down and said she'd send food or money.
11/5/07
The UPS guy delivered a package to my door today. I've never received anything through UPS. It was exciting, signing for it with the electronic pad and waiting while he carried it in and sat it next to the couch, in the living room. He smelled like B.O. and had huge sweat stains from his chest, around his arm pits and down his back. The box was about the size of two basketballs, stacked on top of each other.
I sat in the floor with a pair of scissors cocked open and sliced the tape along the top of the box. It made a crackling, crunching noise and finally I had to tear the box open because there was so much tape. The shredded cardboard flaked onto the floor in little bits and pieces.
Inside were shiny gold can-tops. I started pulling them out and the whole box was full of cans of spam. Spam in rows, stacked on top of one another. I dumped the box on its side and poured the contents across the floor into a great spam pile, all rushing and clinking together. I tried to count them, but I stopped at thirteen and figured it was just shit tons of spam. I couldn't remember if I liked spam.
I decided to stack the spam across the counter top. I made one long line facing the door so that if anyone came inside, they'd be able to see the spam. I went all the way across the counter and then I started stacking the spam, making a pyramid. It only went up three cans high and I didn't finish the third row, but I decided to leave it that way.
I started digging through the cabinets to see what I had that might go with spam. I still had half a box of saltine crackers and I figured I could fry the spam and put it on saltines with a little dollop of mustard. I like mustard. Sometimes I eat it straight out of the bottle or I smear it really thin across a plate so I can pretend I just had something with mustard and I'm only eating the remnants.
I fried the spam until it was black and crunchy and the edges started to shrivel up. Then I cut it in saltine cracker-sized pieces and ate it that way, with the crackers and mustard. It was really greasy and the cracker soaked up the oil before I could eat it. I reminded myself that eating spam wasn't much of an affront to my vegetarianism, because nobody was really sure what was in spam. Maybe it wasn't even meat. Maybe it was just some soy product and leftover cardboard.
That night I woke up sick. I didn't make it to the bathroom and threw up on the hallway wall. I sat down on the floor across from the vomit and leaned against the other wall. I watched pieces of spam sludge down the wall and puddle in the floor. When I felt better I got up and found some paper towels and bleach spray. The wall is vinyl so the mess wiped right off.
I went back to sleep, but I kept the fan on high.
11/6/07
I skipped breakfast, got dressed, packed my bag and went to class. All during American Literature I thought about things I'd like to eat. White asparagus cooked with a little lemon juice, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, cheerios and whole milk, sliced tomatoes with salt and pepper. Then I thought about spam. I could cook the spam in lemon juice. I'd just keep the heat real low and simmer it so the meat absorbed the lemon flavor. Then I'd eat it on crackers again. The crackers would probably last me a few days at least.
I sat through three classes, thinking about that spam. My anthropology teacher called on me to ask what a cline was, but I couldn't tell him. I hadn't done the reading and I didn't think knowing what a cline was could be that important. He frowned and stared at me a while, like I'd come up with the answer if he just looked at me long enough. I didn't.
After class I walked back to the apartment and sat in the living room floor, staring up at the incomplete pyramid of spam. I started counting again, but I quit at seven. I decided I didn't want to know how much spam there was.
I fried the spam again, but this time I added chili powder and garlic, hoping to mask that canned meat product flavor. I ate it plain, without the crackers. I probably should have eaten it with the crackers. I threw the can away. It was the first can of spam I finished. I hoped it'd stay down and that I wouldn't get hungry. I wondered if two dollars was enough for a bottle of store brand ibuprofen, so that when I got headaches from being hungry, I could just pop a few pills.
I walked to the quickie, but the smallest bottle of store brand pain relievers was $3.64. I walked home more slowly and stopped to coax a stray cat away from the road.
"Kitty, kitty," I called out.
The cat ran away, across the street. A car slammed on its brakes and barely missed it.
11/7/07
I woke up hungry. I lay in bed for a while, willing my stomach to quiet itself. Trying to convince myself that I wasn't hungry. The light coming through the blinds got brighter and I couldn't stay in bed any longer, so I got up. Walked down the hallway and sat on the floor in front of the cabinet, looking for something that goes with spam. Or that I could eat instead of spam.
The only thing in the cabinet was the saltine crackers and a few packages of Lipton's green tea. I ate the crackers. Every one of them. I licked salt off my fingers and shook the box, wishing it had more crackers in it. I threw the box away and shut the cabinet doors.
The spam still sat there on the counter, stacked and neat and shining. I picked a can up and shook it. I could hear the meat sloshing in the water and there was a gentle thudding as the meat hit each side of the can. I put the can back down.
I walked to work, only a half mile down the road at a realty company. Two ladies came in looking for an apartment and I sent them with a key to the apartment complex I live in. I told them to turn behind the Huddle House and not to go through the red light or they'd gone too far.
They came back in twenty minutes and one of them was crying. She was older, maybe in her mid-thirties and she had on thick framed glasses that magnified her tears and the clumpy streaks of mascara running down her face.
I asked her if she was okay and she nodded, but didn't answer.
Her friend answered for her. "She just doesn't want to live in the ghetto. She never thought she'd have to live in the ghetto again."
I told her I was sorry and offered her a tissue.
"You just don't understand," the other lady said, choked up and still crying.
They went out the door and the alarm dinged, letting me know the door had closed, even though I was sitting right in front of it.
I worked for six hours and then I walked home. It was cold and I didn't have a jacket. I remembered having a jacket the year before, but I must have lost it or shrunk it or something.
11/8/07
I woke up hungry and then I remembered how I ate all the saltine crackers yesterday. Those delicious saltine crackers that weren't quite stale, but a little bit soft from sitting half opened.
I got out of bed and went to stand half leaning on the counter where all the spam was. It was still a semi-pyramid of shiny spam cans. I started counting them again. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen on the bottom row. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen on the second row. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight on the top row. I re-centered the top row of cans so that it looked more like a pyramid.
I popped another can open with the pull tab. I dumped the yellow goo in the sink and rinsed it away with the spray nozzle. I sliced a few thin slices of spam into the frying pan, which I had yet to wash. Since I was going to be eating spam for a while, it didn't seem to matter.
The spam sizzled and the grease popped, spattering across the inside of my arm. It burnt, but not really. It was more like a little sting. I just assumed it was going to hurt so I flinched anyway.
I fried the spam until it was very black on both sides. Then I blotted it between two paper towels. They soaked up a lot of yellowish grease and I threw them into the trashcan underneath the sink.
I put the spam on a clean saucer and squirted mustard beside it. It was more mustard than there was spam. I dipped each piece of spam in the mustard, coating it in yellow so it looked like a square yellow blob with little yellow blobs dripping down onto the saucer.
I ate it all quick without thinking about it, while I sat on the couch staring out the window. There was this lady dragging her two kids toward her car. She was carrying a bag and the biggest kid was dragging a similar plastic shopping bag across the ground. She stopped to slap him on the back of his head and after that he hoisted the bag over one shoulder so it didn't drag the ground as much.
I finished eating and I walked to class. I'd done my reading for anthropology the night before, but the professor didn't call on me.
He talked about monkeys and how changing their serotonin levels will actually affect their rankings among the other monkeys. He said without serotonin a monkey will get nervous and excitable. The other monkeys will become more violent toward this monkey.
Class ended, I packed up my book and notebook and smiled at the professor as I left. Smiles are so awkward. It has to be the right amount of smiling and eye contact and posturing or it looks fake. My forth grade teacher told me I had a fake smile. She actually took me out in the hallway and told me my fake smile offended her.
I walked home and it was cold again, with the wind whipping my hair into my eyes. I stared at the ground and counted steps in each sidewalk square until I was home.
I cooked a half can of spam the same way I had that morning, slicing it straight into the frying pan and then dipping it in the mustard. Then I went straight to bed and pulled the covers way over my head.
11/9/07
I woke up hungry again. I grabbed a can of spam and knocked the whole pyramid down so that cans slid across the counter and onto the floor. A few of the cans hit my legs on the way down.
I opened the can I was holding and left the rest of the cans wherever they fell. I dumped the meat out and rinsed the goo off in the sink. I scalded my hands and the spam with hot water, trying to work all the excess oil off.
I pulled a cutting board down from the cabinet and used a butter knife to chop the spam into fine pieces, tiny cubes like you get at a salad bar.
Sitting on the couch, I tried to eat the spam cold, but I couldn't do it. I ended up frying the little cubes like I'd been frying the slices for the past few days. I kept the heat on low so the grease wouldn't splatter me.
While I was walking to work, I wondered if I smelled like spam.
It was slow at work, so they sent me home. Pay checks hadn't come in yet, so they told me I could stop by and check the mail tomorrow and go ahead and cash mine if I wanted.
I got home and all the cans were still scattered across the floor. I left them there.
11/10/07
I skipped breakfast and walked to work, to check the mail. My paycheck was in. A glorious $60.00 that I would use to buy bread, peanut butter, bananas, soup, milk, apples and granola.
I jogged home. I went inside and threw all the spam cans in the trash can. They were so heavy that I had to use two layers of garbage bags.
I lugged them to the dumpster, dragging the bag a few times and tossed them in one at a time, just so I could hear the can smacking the bottom.
User Reviews
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. A lot.
Understated writing and simple sentences convey beauty in any situation, even if there isn't any. Good show.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-12-10 00:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Spam, Ramen Noodles get what they want because they earned it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-09 16:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it ironic that someone got so rich off inventing something that people would be forced to eat in times of need?
I can't believe I'm watching this bullshit, but this girl is an eccentric- no ponies for her- she has a Rocky Horror theme, midgets, drag queens, a tub-girly mannequin that will have a fountain of chocolate coming out of her ass..awesome.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-09 16:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right now on MTV there's a Super Sweet 16 episode on the granddaughter of the inventor of Spam.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-09 13:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really really liked this.
I think its the first thing of yours I ever read properly.
Reminds me of when I was always broke. Except I never paid the bills either.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2007-12-09 12:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't think it was that great, but you must have done something right to keep me reading about spam for five minutes.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-07 20:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You love spam, and you knoe you do. Spam is the essence of life.
Yo0ur mother must be a saint.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-07 20:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ill level with you people. I like Ghola, and i think shes a pretty good writer. I dont like you calling me bubba, because im not.
Do I really dound like him? Lord, I hope I dont. Give me a break, people.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-07 20:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'd bet money sadie73 is Bubba.
I'm sorry for that review, Bubba/Sadie.
Welcome back!
+++++++
??????
I know who Bubba is, and his posts are shit. His reviews too.
What makes you think he is me? I don't like the fucker anymorethan I like therest of you.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-12-07 01:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
blog baby blog
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-06 20:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting to be more and more of a blog. And just a tad emo. But I still for some reason like you, so it's okay.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-06 14:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-06 07:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-05 13:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Such a belief may engender sympathy for the poster I know as ghola, but our connection is so insignificant as to render any effect on my rating negligible.
I would counter your affection for the poster clouds your perception, but that would be presumptuous, and I would truly hate to be perceived as such.
________________
I've never spoken to ghola, and I find her writing to be self-indulgent a lot of the time.
But this one, I liked. I feel it has an understated kind of pathos, a very subtle way of telling the story so that WE can see that the narrator is having a shithouse time of it, but the narrator is nevertheless vaguely optimistic... little life, little problems, and the narrator is unaware of it.
I could be wrong, of course. But I really did think this was surprisingly good.
----------------
Eye of the beholder.
I didn't mean to imply you had personal contact with the poster. But most people develop levels of affection bred of familiarity toward others on a site such as this. It's human nature.
I still disagree, but it was nice 'speaking' with you. I suppose I even 'like' you.
Funny how that works.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-12-06 11:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-06 07:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-05 13:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Such a belief may engender sympathy for the poster I know as ghola, but our connection is so insignificant as to render any effect on my rating negligible.
I would counter your affection for the poster clouds your perception, but that would be presumptuous, and I would truly hate to be perceived as such.
________________
I've never spoken to ghola, and I find her writing to be self-indulgent a lot of the time.
But this one, I liked. I feel it has an understated kind of pathos, a very subtle way of telling the story so that WE can see that the narrator is having a shithouse time of it, but the narrator is nevertheless vaguely optimistic... little life, little problems, and the narrator is unaware of it.
I could be wrong, of course. But I really did think this was surprisingly good.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-06 06:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmmmmm...
Y'know, your writing style is so different from mine. I used to think that you had serious difficulties with molding your stories into a form suitable for reading, but I now believe that you put far more effort into your works than is evident at first glance.
I think that it would be beneficial for me to try to emulate you.
We'll see.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-06 01:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
spam, spam, spam, spam and lobster thermidor aux crevettes and spam
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-12-05 23:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2007-12-05 20:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing to do with Oahu or B. Road. Hawaiians are that Spam-crazy.
They barbecue a lot of pig, so it follows, I suppose.
-----
Actually they started eating SPAM back in WWII to ration real meat and no one ever told them it was ok to stop. As a result, they think it's a delicacy worthy of some obscure Polynesian god.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-12-05 21:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-05 01:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I spent $300 on groceries last week
___________________
Welcome to my fucking world, thank you Whole Foods.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-12-05 21:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
Ah, college...
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2007-12-05 20:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was in Hawaii July they, people and restaurants there, were inSANE for Spam. (No joke) Spam sushi is the shit there, and it's good. (Just went looking for T-shirt I brought back- didn't find it - but it's from Oahu isle i think, with something like Bail Road, or Bale Road on the front pocket; but on the back, in huge letters, it says SPAM. Totally random and out of the blue.
Spam.
Nothing to do with Oahu or B. Road. Hawaiians are that Spam-crazy.
They barbecue a lot of pig, so it follows, I suppose.
My point: Save your condiments. At Arby's and especially Taco Bell, ask for extra everything sauce- it's free and the minimum-wage bastards won't argue (also they think they're putting one over on the Man by handing out extra packets, so ask- they love it). Those little packets made my life something special in college, as did Spam.
Trivia fact: Spam spelled backward is maps- think of this as maps to Taco Bell, Arby's, et cetra. Go and buy one little sandwich, but request 27 packs of "Horsey" and other sauces, esp that hot Taco Bell sauce. Cook up your spam in paper-thin slices in your choice of these sauces, heaven!
(These sauces also complement Ramen noodles nicely. Experiment.)
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-05 20:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
hahaha BLT
I doubt anyone knows what you're talking about, but I appreciate the thought.
You're wrong either way, of course.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-05 20:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you, Amontillado, now I want a pork roll and cheese sammich. Taylor pork roll is delicious.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-12-05 19:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know people who eat Spam in sandwiches instead of Taylor pork rolls. Honestly, what the fuck?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-05 16:48:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh wait I read it wrong. carry on.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-05 16:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. circe sort of just thoroughly out-classed you just then, miss uniter.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-05 16:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-05 15:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I taught ceramics at Fullerton I lived on rice and hot sauce for a few weeks.
I remember when I had enough money to buy eggs and bread and a half gallon of milk.
Oh, did I feast.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-05 15:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-05 14:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa
better run run run run run run run awaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ohhhhhooohhhhh aaaaahhhh aiyieyieyieyieyie
-------------------------------------------------
Psycho Killer, ques que ci?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-05 14:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa
better run run run run run run run awaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ohhhhhooohhhhh aaaaahhhh aiyieyieyieyieyie
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-05 14:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i work pretty much 9-6 whenever i'm not in class.
i sure do love free food though. i think it's important that writers know where the free food is.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-05 13:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ghola-
In all the years in Undergrad, you mean you never got around to scoping out free food?
For instance, in my Undergrad years (circa the Stone Age), I discovered that one or another of the Uni departments were always having spreads of some sort for visiting lecturers or various other dignitaries. The trick was finding out when and where. Then you would loiter about and when the buffet crowd thined out a bit, you swooped in and made your move.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-05 13:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-05 08:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
_______________
It wasn't, though. If you read it, I mean actually read it as fiction...
---------------
I did read it as fiction. If your implication is that the post is based on actual circumstance, that would not change my opinion.
Such a belief may engender sympathy for the poster I know as ghola, but our connection is so insignificant as to render any effect on my rating negligible.
I would counter your affection for the poster clouds your perception, but that would be presumptuous, and I would truly hate to be perceived as such.
I mean, really.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-05 12:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sure did! I hope it doesn't turn into a place where people post photos of their dicks or try to punish girls who have wronged them or brag about the whores they pick up by posting their photos either!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-05 12:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Did sacrilicious really use "BFF" in a review below? Fucking shoot me....this place better not turn into a 13 year old chat forum.
*notes it's too late*
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-05 12:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm working on a spam collection. of short stories, poems, essays, etc.
and this, by the way, will probably be drafted into being one of my portfolio pieces for grad admissions. i still haven't finnished filling those damned app's out, but i'm working on it.
i sure am hoping for madison. pretty much my top choice.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-12-05 12:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a good read.
Thank You
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-05 11:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kraft dinner (no i'm not canadian just lazy which is ironic because it took longer to type all this shit than it would have to just type the mac and cheese I was avoiding) is up to .79. then there's ramen at .15.
1 can Spam or other luncheon meat
1 lb. sauerkraut, well drained
1 can prepared apple pie filling
that sounds soooo incredibly wrong. I have had spam that was not totally horrible but that just does not sound right at all.
What's with the spam kick ghola? how goes the school shopping? I spose you're not really going anywhere until the next fall semester huh?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-05 11:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
doesnt the USA have kraft cheese and macarroni.
during uni it cost 49 cents a box for noname brand.
dinner and lunch at least three time a week.
oh plus heinz ketchup at xmas, after all, i was the holidaze
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-05 11:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you think spam is bad you should try Armour Potted Meat Food Product. It makes spam look like filet mignon.
===
My BFF will try almost ANYTHING that mascarades as meat, and even he won't touch that shit.
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You people are crazy. Go to the dollar store, and buy some Potted Meat Food Product.
Also buy some Saltine crackers and a can of Cheez Whiz, or the generic varieties of either.
What you end up with is excellence in cheap food.
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-12-05 11:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a good story, the poverty was subtle so it made it blaringly obvious. Oh, and you can buy a lot more that what you were planning on for $60.
Bulk Items like oatmeal and rice can be less than ten dollars for a five lb bag and feed you for several weeks. I spend $100 dollars every two weeks on groceries, and we eat well.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you think spam is bad you should try Armour Potted Meat Food Product. It makes spam look like filet mignon.
===
My BFF will try almost ANYTHING that mascarades as meat, and even he won't touch that shit.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you think spam is bad you should try Armour Potted Meat Food Product. It makes spam look like filet mignon.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know. I just wanted to write that review.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fiction
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought you got a raise? Guess that whole extra $0.20 / hour is going up your nose.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-05 10:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I LOVE EVERYTHING.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, the charges for fresh produce in the UK is extortionate
------
here's what we do. we put bananas out at 10 am. then by 2pm, we put out new bananas, whether or not the other bananas are gone or rotten or what. even if its still green! so this is how we handle that. we take a garbage bag. we place the old bananas in the garbage bag and then place the new bananas where we used to have old bananas. then, what we do with the garbage bag is this: we throw it in a dumpster and laugh at the slavation army people ringing their bells out front now that its the holiday season because we have such a huge surplus of produce that we literally dont have room for it.
now imagine this happening with EVERY fruit.
im serious about most of this. not the laughing in the faces of the salvation army part, but we might as well at this point.
i wish i chose a different fruit than banana because that got tiresome to type out. why didnt i choose, like, apples. or pears.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, the charges for fresh produce in the UK is extortionate. Anyway, I try not to use the supermarket. I go to the local bakers, deli, butchers etc if I can.
Where is the cheaperst place to live? I am moving there. I here Lozelles is cheap - kebab meat and chips on a tray for 1.50
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is a fair rating, maybe. i dont know.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM AWAKE IN TIME FOR MCDONALDS BREAKFAST! I JUST REALIZED THIS! THIS NEVER HAPPENS!
guess where I'm gonna go in ten? guess.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Food costs loads in the UK. Everything costs loads in the UK.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
- How can you spend only 120 a wk on groceries for 5? Please tell me?!
We are a family of 4 and our fruit and veg alone costs about 25 pounds a week (about 50 Aussie dollars)? Stuff for the baby is another 20 pounds a week. We don't eat any processed foods, we don't spend anyting on 'junk' but our average bill is still around 95 - 110 pounds!
The Uk is way to expensive. I am moving.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:15:32 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I spent $300 on groceries last week
______________
How the holy hell do you do that? I feed five of us on $120... Australian. I'm trying to think of a way to spend $300 and all I can come up with is to throw a party and include booze as groceries.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-05 09:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-05 02:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:15:32 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I spent $300 on groceries last week
---
That's coz you're a fatty.
--
its true :(
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2007-12-05 08:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this.
I also really enjoy cold spam.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-05 08:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
_______________
It wasn't, though. If you read it, I mean actually read it as fiction, it's wry and sad and funny in an awful way.
Ghola, this is really very good. Well done.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-05 07:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You shouldn't fry spam till it goes black by the way. If you do that it becomes carcinogenic.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-12-05 07:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-05 07:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, how can you bake something for 1 hour for 25 minutes?
===
HA I don't know, but there must be a way according to the internets!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mother knows that you're a vegetarian and STILL sent you spam? Not just a bit of spam but an incredible amount of spam? No wonder you were ill. Spam is Serious meat for Serious meat eaters. It's got wibbly bits in it.
You want to get some rice and/or pasta in.
Also the writing in this was excellent with terrific flow and comedic timing.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow..there actually IS..
SPAM AND CHEESE PIE
1 c. Spam, cut in 1/2" cubes (may use ham)
1 c. jack cheese, cut in 1/2" cubes
3 eggs, beaten
Onion
Crescent rolls
Line a 9" pie plate with crescent rolls. Use 1 roll to make a lattice top. Bake 1 hour at 325 degrees for 25 minutes.
---------------------------
Wait, how can you bake something for 1 hour for 25 minutes?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-05 04:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-05 02:10:40 GMT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Om-nom-nom
Submitted by onplaNetdope (user info) at 2007-12-05 05:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You asked for food and your mum sent you a box of spam. Either she has a warped sense of humour or she's a real bitch.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-05 04:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-05 02:10:40 GMT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amen
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-05 02:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-05 06:15:32 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I spent $300 on groceries last week
---
That's coz you're a fatty.
Ghola - this felt slightly Kafka-esque - and I'm never quite sure if it's real or not. That's not always a good thing, but I did quite like this.
The spam company would so sue your arse though.
Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam
Submitted by qmacdaddy (user info) at 2007-12-05 02:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My friend loves that stuff
my heart and liver hates it
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-12-05 01:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I bother to read your stuff I am almost never disappointed. Yet I never go out of my way to read anything you write, and may very well skip right past it if I see a new post by you.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-05 01:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I went back to sleep, but I kept the fan on high.
--------
I sleep with the fan on high every night, even when it's below freezing, I need it fo' sleepin'
That's as far as I got.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-05 01:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I spent $300 on groceries last week
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-12-05 00:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-04 23:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-04 23:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I went dumpster diving at Trader Joe's this weekend and met with great success. Talk about loving a fucking bargain!
You should try it. I got a bucket of those half chocolate covered cookie things, and they rocked.
===
I would marry Trader Joe, and if I were going dumpster diving it would definitely be at his place.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-04 23:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. What happened to ramen? I can think of more if you'd like.
2. I can also do the same thing for spam that I did with ramen.
3. Beggars cannot be choosers.
4. Spam doesn't have an expiration date, and you may well run out of money again. Keep the spam.
5. I think your tastes are spoiled by money. If you had less money, for a longer period of time, you'd think it's delicious.
6. You can make almost anything delicious if you do it right.
7. Gholatime!
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-04 23:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I went dumpster diving at Trader Joe's this weekend and met with great success. Talk about loving a fucking bargain!
You should try it. I got a bucket of those half chocolate covered cookie things, and they rocked.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-12-04 22:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:02:10 EST (#) Review #1
Ranking: 2
Very well done. Teh Uniter is an ass, as usual.
********
here's where he, i mean she. broke her cherry
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't give a good fuck WHO that piece of shit is.
MY REVIEW STANDS.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You gotta laugh at the poor SOB. He comes back and gets outed after one review.
Bubba, you're fucking priceless.
I'm never going to pick on you again.
Plus, who the fuck cares about alters, anyway?
The people who bitch about them the most are the ones most likely to use them, in my opinion.
Like televangelists and mistresses, or Republicans and gay sex.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'd bet money sadie73 is Bubba.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ya think?
he's betting the lack of typed emo-cons provides cover
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If it's true, sweet username- a favorite song of mine, and a year that made my parents really happy.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
STFU Lungfish. You'll share him off. I wish I hadn't said anything.
Stay around Bubba/Sadie.
I love your reviews.
Seriously.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'd bet money sadie73 is Bubba.
===
I had the same thought at first review.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking nailed it, below.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'd bet money sadie73 is Bubba.
I'm sorry for that review, Bubba/Sadie.
Welcome back!
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm interested in eating spam from your box.
***
Her box is cardboard, you fucking idiot.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm interested in eating spam from your box.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whipping cream. Just cream, really.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whipped cream??
wow.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a lot like my Spam quiche, but I put some whipping cream in there. I didn't read it, but I've got happy Spam thoughts right now.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Tear off 12 squares of tiny Georgia titties, and be done wid it. . .
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are wonderful licious.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow..there actually IS..
SPAM AND CHEESE PIE
1 c. Spam, cut in 1/2" cubes (may use ham)
1 c. jack cheese, cut in 1/2" cubes
3 eggs, beaten
Onion
Crescent rolls
Line a 9" pie plate with crescent rolls. Use 1 roll to make a lattice top. Bake 1 hour at 325 degrees for 25 minutes.
*****
AND FOR A BUSY GHOLA ON THE GO:
"ON THE GO" BOMBS
1 can Spam or other luncheon meat
1 lb. sauerkraut, well drained
1 can prepared apple pie filling
Tear off 4 generous squares of HEAVY DUTY aluminum foil. Cut the Spam into 4 equal slices and place in the center of foil squares. Top each with a fourth of the kraut, then the pie filling. Bring up sides of foil to form well sealed packages. Place bombs on grill, Spam side down, over hot coals. Grill until Spam is browned and "bombs" are heated through. Can be eaten right from the foil. Adapts to stove top skillet cooking, too; just forget the foil.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-05 12:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you need a spam filter.
--------
Oh dear.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:12:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wonder what all goes in spam pie.
i am obsessed with spam right now.
and tao lin. i wish he would come eat spam with me.
******
Holy shit. Tell him to eat YOU, forget the spam.
Drop the spam crap,lady, it's not funny anymore.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amen
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-04 21:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amen
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wonder what all goes in spam pie.
i am obsessed with spam right now.
and tao lin. i wish he would come eat spam with me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eating canned meat is understandable for the short term. Throwing the cans away instead of recycling them is a whole 'nother story.
You should bake a spam pie.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't awful or anything, just incredibly boring.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Running out of money and eating Spam builds character. Having money and eating Spam builds waistlines. It's a dangerous world.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-04 20:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you need a spam filter.