Tiny Urinals are the Devil’s Tool (1365 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.62 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2007-12-05 23:51:10 EST
I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan.
Sunday, November 25th finds me at the Meadowlands for the Giants-Vikings game.
Sunday, November 25th finds me incredibly drunk by 1:45 A.M.
A stalwart New Yorker, despite being in a divisional rival's stadium, my cheers rang out along side those of the local fans. Admittedly, my newfound loyalty was clearly a result of bribery - that of the shared half-dozen tailgates that I participated in while making my way towards the stadium.
Easy really, praise the defensive line (outside of "Osi" who had turned Winston Justice into his personal revolving door during the third week of the season), make a crack about Eli, mention I'm from Brooklyn, and VOILA! Within half a minute I have a brat in one hand, a beer in my other.
I guess I can lay some of this open armed welcome upon the company I was with - my girlfriend and a cute female friend of mine. For some reason single, attractive girls are energetically embraced on cold Sunday mornings where the beer is free flowing. Expertly disengaging ourselves from the back on one pickup, only led us to stumble into another. However, after much ado, we got to the stadium and made our way to our seats.
It's from there, this story really takes place. Naturally, and perhaps predictability, this all revolves around alcohol. Being at a football game on a Sunday is a rare excuse to drink communally from about nine in the morning. Needless to say, I was enthusiastically doing my best to keep up with... well, myself I guess.
When you date a 5'2" girl you quickly learn that a 3:1 ratio on drinks is standard. So, we started drinking before my friend picked us up. We drank in the car on the way to the stadium. We drank when we were lost (I still cannot find Route 3). We drank when we arrived, drank when we walked, drank with people we didn't know, drank with people we did know, drank with people painted blue/red/white, drank with people in Santa outfits, and we drank the rest of what we had on us outside of Gate D.
As the yellow jacketed security guard grabbed my crotch during my risk, I was glad I had handed the flask to my girlfriend, who walked in untouched. Let us hope the terrorists never hand the bombs to women.
Herded to an escalator to bring us to the top of the stadium, the little demon in my bladder started to gurgle. Lightly at this time, it stretched and yawned, but was luckily unheard over the throngs of shouting fans. Casting a longing look at the line of men snaking out of the bathroom, I decided to hold it until after we had found our seats.
So, up we climbed, and up some more, finding our seats directly in front of a diehard fan, who punctuated every play with the line, "So many weapon!" I'm assuming he was looking for a section wide response, but after Manning's first two interceptions, it was only his friend who mustered up the resolve to answer, "So many ways!"
A quarter, three more beers and a couple of swigs into the game, my bladder decided it was no longer playing around and shooting pains started to work their way up my abdomen. Quickly excusing myself, I worked my way out of our row, down the stone steps and into the Men's Room... which was suspiciously empty.
Seriously though, I have never gone to a sporting event and found NOBODY in the bathroom. The fleeting thought I was about to be assassinated flashed through my mind but was quickly replaced with a dull ache erupting from my penile region. Rushing to the first urinal to catch my eye, I opened, unzipped and let loose.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the orgasmic ecstasy of the beer piss. Allowing my eyes to roll somewhere into the back of my mind, I only heard the footsteps of someone entering the bathroom. Imagine my surprise when I opened them to find a small person being ushered into the urinal next to me.
Oh no. While there are twelve urinals in this bathroom, there is only one tiny urinal, and it is directly next to me. The urinal is some ridiculous piece of architecture that was designed for either midgets or children who want to handle themselves like their fathers... or perhaps for over-endowed black men. Needless to say, the child's father gave me a nasty look as his child dropped his pants and stood next to me.
I tried to shut myself off. I though of stoppers, dams and plugs... but to my chagrin, it was useless. My mighty bladder flowed effortlessly, a raging river of alcohol laden piss striking the porcelain. Then - I noticed the child was starring at me, and not necessarily at my face.
As images of jail flashed through my head I angled myself away and pushed my hips deeper into the urinal, hoping beyond hope I could stop pissing. It's at this time the boy decided to start peeing on my shoes.
Yelping, I spun away, spraying the bathroom in a graceful arc of urine. Wild-eyed, I shook the last drips from myself and tucked in before the disgusted looks of oncoming Giant fans.
It's probably at this point I should mention I was wearing my Eagles knit cap.
So I stood there, in a rapidly growing puddle of piss emanating from the tyke, who, from the sound of it was still peeing all over the wall. In front of me a handful of decked out fans were taking in my piss soaked pants and the urine drenched bathroom. Stammering, I held up my hands in apology, but they only shook their heads.
"Fucking Eagle fans," one muttered to the other, "Can't hold their alcohol."
"No!" I protested. Holding one hand up and pointing the other behind me, "It's his fault! He pissed on me!"
As their eyebrows went up I turned around, behind me the evil child had vanished. In his place was an 80 year old man leaning heavily on a crutch while pissing into the tiny urinal; his hand was wrapped around his old, old balls.
He spat on the ground in my direction. "Fucking Eagle fans," he chewed through raw lips, "If you were fucking on fire and I could make more than a drop come out of this old pecker, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire."
Slinking out of the bathroom to hearty laughter I made my way back to my seat, plopping between my friend and my girlfriend. Wrinkling her nose, the latter looked me over. The soaked pants legs, the stain around my crotch, and the pleasant, pleasant scent of urine.
"Did you... did you... piss yourself?"
"No! There was this kid... and old man, and..."
"I don't want to hear it, you're disgusting."
Sighing, I slid down in my seat, silent and simmering until Eli Manning threw his third interception which was returned for a touchdown. Jumping to my feet I cheered loudly as the fans started making their way for the exits.
Sometimes it's all about the little things.
User Reviews
Submitted by McBain (user info) at 2007-12-08 19:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHAHAHAHA.... not. -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-07 00:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FOOTBALL FAG
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-12-06 20:55:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, tiny urinals are bullshit.
Don't you hate when you REALLY have to go and the tiny urinal is the only one available? Of course you suck it up and take the tiny one because it's better than pissing yourself. But then it seems like everyone leaves the bathroom within 20 seconds of each other and you're left standing alone at the tiny urinal, like you have some freaky preference for tiny urinals or something.
Fuckin' kids, I swear.
"Needless to say, the child's father gave me a nasty look as his child dropped his pants and stood next to me."
By the way, fuck that asshole. You were there first. If it wasn't for bi-curious kids like his, there'd be no need for tiny urinals in the first place.
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-12-06 16:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have kicked the old man in his saggy balls
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-06 15:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
piss off
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-06 13:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting enough...but could use a few tweaks.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-12-06 12:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-12-06 12:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Smurfs
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-12-06 10:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I will never understand how men can stand next to each other, whip their ding dongs out and share a nice piss. Yeah, i know, you have "rules" and "boundaries", but still. . . Pretty funny stuff though.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-06 10:36:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm 6' 5", why in the hell does the short guy always take the grown up urinal and make ME use the midget pisser? Oh well, at least my dick doesn't get wet that way.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-06 10:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO EAGLES WOO!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-06 09:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-12-06 09:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-12-06 09:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets An Elephant
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-06 08:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WIMP
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-06 07:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The elementary schools all have tiny potties. For an adult woman to go it's one hell of a balancing act.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-06 07:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at Philadelphia Eagles fan. Actually I don't love football but somehow the nuances of the story wouldn't have been the same had it been a Flyers game.
You did a fine job representing. Let the record show you didn't throw any batteries or pelt Santa Claus with snowballs.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-12-06 06:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-06 06:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
At a football game over here, you'd have got fucking battered for that kind of nonsense.
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-06 06:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the suspected assassination
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-12-06 04:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-06 01:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-06 00:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-06 00:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.
You said "A quarter, three beers..."
You can smoke weed at sporting events in the states?