Ubermas '07: I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus (733 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.23 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-12-10 09:46:50 EST
Dear Santa Claus
Hello. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but I feel I have to get something off my chest.
I would like to bring your attention to a letter I wrote to you dated 10th of December 1984. I'll give you a moment to get it from your stack. I'll ask the nurse for a coffee whilst you're at it.
Right you got it? I hope so. If not let me refresh your memory:
Dear Santy
My name is Drogo Roch. I'm 6 but will be 7 in five days time. I have been good this year, but don't ask my sisters as they will tell you lies about me.
I would like a Doctor Ectoplasm Monster Operation kit for Christmas as that will be really cool. Thank you.
Can I also have an extra tub of Ectoplasm as then I can make the Monster really gooey and bloody?
Thank you.
Lots of love
Drogo. (nearly 7)
I hope that refreshes the memory for you my Jolly little chum.
If you can take a good look at the first line of that letter you will see that it quite clearly states my age. Now this is a young and impressionable age I hope you would agree. It also shows that it is an age where disappointment can be a real hard thing to deal with. Disappointing a 7 year old is like turning their Christmas pudding into Brussels sprouts man.
Now in the second paragraph I quite clearly tell you exactly what I am asking for. Admittedly the spelling could do with some work but how did you get on writing ectoplasm when you were 6? That paragraph has the whole 'Meat' of the letter.
So how is it that on Christmas day 1984 Drogo, newly 7, opens his present from you, 'The Main Man', only to discover G.I. Fucking Joe staring up at him from some damn tank? How the hell can this kind of mix up happen? Now don't get me wrong here, the G.I. Joe was cool but it wasn't what I damn well asked for was it?
How did this little 'Mistake' happen? Now when I asked my Mum and Dad they told me that Santa, YOU, had spoken to my sisters who had told him some interesting 'Facts' relating to how 'Good' I had been during the year leading up to the big day. Can I bring your attention to the second line of the god damned letter? Hmmm? You see it there big boy? You see the thing I'm bringing up here? It expressly tells you not to believe my sisters as they would 'Lie' to you dude. I mean do you have problems with understanding the written word?
Christ that whole thing was bloody disappointing. It ruined everything for me; it actually had me doubting you I can tell you.
I had to buy that crappy bloody Doctor Ectoplasm thing with my own, hard earned, Christmas money. The fucking thing sucked too. I think I enjoyed it for about half an hour then never played with it again, but that is not the point. You may have known that I would get bored of it and discard it but 'I' didn't. At that age I don't want to hear 'I told you so' or 'It's for your own good'. Those things don't wash. I wanted it and you should have provided rather than let me waste my money myself.
Anyway big dude I have a way out for you. I have a way that you can make it up to me. You will find enclosed copies of my children's letters to you. Little Mike has a good sense of humour doesn't he? Bless him asking for so much. Ignore Teresa and her request for her father to get over his mental illness, that shit was put in her mind by her mum. Get Teresa something real nice, I will leave it up to you.
You can make it up to me by getting this stuff for my Children.
If you don't do it I will have to use my trump card. I don't want to have to pull it out but I will. If you don't do it then I will be writing to your wife telling her about a certain incident on Christmas Eve 1986. I know you remember. I know it's a time of year for love and stuff, but dude that was my mum.
Don't make me do it dude.
Ball is in your court.
Kind regards
Drogo (Nearly 30)
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-15 02:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-15 02:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
happpy birthday pumpkin
I happy birthdayed you a the bar but nobody there knew you, wtf? i guess to the untrained ear your username sounds a lot like the mumblings of a surly, almost sick lishy.
I put this somewhere else by accident before..that sounds like a boy thing to say eh
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-14 10:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate letters
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-13 04:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was about to plus two this last night, then I saw that you had just given me a plus two. I refrained from rating so as not to appear gratuitous.
I'm fucking weird.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 04:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing wrong with Staring and drooling over married women Berty. Unless their husbands are standing nearby with blunt objects near them, then at least put on a pair of dark glasses.
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Actually I think that that is a social faux pas, regardless of the geographical location of their husbands
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excellent story, british humour, i miss it so....
staring and drooling over a married woman is the same as any other. being married isn't a disease nor does it mean unavailable. the impetuousness of youth (more so cos it's british youth, as you guys seem to have more rules or something) your just looking, so what the big deal? in fact, she may find a young pup in awe of her; flattering, as husbands tend to pay less attention to their significant other after, say, 1500 years of weeded (mispelt on purpose) bliss.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-11 14:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2007-12-11 13:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
started off good, felt like it was going somewhere, and then anti-climatic self-gratifying personal sacrifice for kids.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2007-12-10 18:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 christmas cheer.
Submitted by McBain (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you fail
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahah this story is gay like drogo which is funny cause drogo wrote it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had to buy that crappy bloody Doctor Ectoplasm thing with my own, hard earned, Christmas money."
tee hee
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Also, I actually LIKE brussel sprouts.
Mmmmmmmm...
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/stats.cgi
9 unique losers...I mean users. You guys are poop.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing wrong with Staring and drooling over married women Berty. Unless their husbands are standing nearby with blunt objects near them, then at least put on a pair of dark glasses.
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Actually I think that that is a social faux pas, regardless of the geographical location of their husbands.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice.
Submitted by japetus (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing wrong with Staring and drooling over married women Berty. Unless their husbands are standing nearby with blunt objects near them, then at least put on a pair of dark glasses.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have just learned that the hot young auditor lady is married! This is good as it allows me to hide from my fear of rejection behind a shield of false nobility. It does, sadly, mean that I'll have to stop looking at her marvellous bottom.
*sigh*
It truly is magnificent though, it's so big! With her itty bitty waist and financial background it makes 70% of my blaxploitation fantasies come true.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:11:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-07-18 19:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My wife and I invented a new sexual position. It's called 96, we both turn our backs to each other and fart."
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:40:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty silly. I got a couple of lols out of it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, who the fuck uses CST for any contest? It's always been Ubertime and BrDN can shuck my corn stalk if he expected anyone to get it otherwise. As is...it's still in time, I suppose.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't that great.
But you're always such a cheery fella that I'm giving you this +2 just to help you keep your chin up so you can brighten the day for all of us!
Let a smile be your machine gun...or however the fuck that saying goes.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, if the deadline was 9am central that's 10am eastern.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Posted past the deadline. You lose....but hey, I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-10 09:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha i can't wait to have kids. all the ones i know feel exactly the same way.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-10 09:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha.