Ubermas 07: Deck the Halls (725 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.81 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2007-12-10 10:00:30 EST
Oh hell.
So the stories are due today and not tomorrow, huh? Fucking swell. So I have what, eight minutes? Seven? Whatever, I'm not scurred.
I could try and provide a quick outline of what my original story was going to be about, but this would in no way do my awesome tale justice. I dare anyone to tell me otherwise. I mean what other work of fiction involves adultery, Christmas, a yule log, bizarre insertions, menstruation, the Industrial Revolution, nog, the Dead Sea Scrolls, a cameo by that kid who played "Flick" in A Christmas Story, the return of Roos tennis shoes, muppets, gold leaf and a nude Abe Vigoda perched atop a 40 foot tree strumming a 10 string harp? Seriously, I ask you.
But there's no time for that. No time at all. Nor is there time to argue that Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" is the only XMas album you really need to get through the holidays.
Nor is there time to arrange the photo shoot that I'd originally intended, with me dressed up as a holiday Ryu or Ken, literally decking the shit out of some halls. I'm talking sweet headbands and a gi, motherfools. And fistfulls of mighty awesome raining down holiday justice on some bitchass hallways.
Nope. Three minutes left and no time for makeup, lighting and a shoot.
Your loss.
What I DO have, however, is an ace in the hole. Something I've been meaning to drop on this website for a while now. Yes, an audio file from everyone's favorite cranky, horny son of a bitch. It seems Santa Old Balls sent me something from Hilton Head a few weeks ago and he asked me to keep it secret. It's him shouting his very own "Shazam" keyword, the one he keeps talking about in reviews and recipie posts.
So here it is. I always knew he sounded like a bitch.
dipshit.mp3 (129 kB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-12-11 14:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-11 11:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sound cooler than THAT, for chrissakes.
YOU'VE BEEN DUPED.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-12-11 09:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-10 22:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-10 15:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CANASTA!
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2007-12-10 14:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-10 14:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by McBain (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck
you
---
Fuck YOU.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by McBain (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck
you
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-10 13:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I turned down Merle to listen to this....ya got me
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Aren't you one of those users?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/stats.cgi
9 unique losers...I mean users. You guys are poop.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I really hate to say this, but Shlongy sounds like a douchebag. A cross between an insurance salesman and a game show host. My mind's eye (ear) has Shlongy sounding like a cross between a chain smoking Rumplestiltskin and a chain smoking Rasputin.
I'm fucking crushed.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-10 12:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing wrong with being a furry, jizzing onto the painted stomach of a fat guy pretending to be a rhinocerous is perfectly understandable, but dressing up as a character from Street Fighter is just gay.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-10 16:47:16 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
No way does Shlongy sound like the Movie Previews dude...
==========
Bwahahahaha. You never know man!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No way does Shlongy sound like the Movie Previews dude...
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Poor. Very poor.
Submitted by japetus (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The 'S' is for sucks.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't judge me Berty. I make a sweet Vega.
I could understand your position if I was referencing a plushy/furry/whatever fetish, though.
Not that I have one or anything.
No sir.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the worst thing you have ever written and if you actually indulge in cosplay I will be forced to write a stern article in the hope that it will be read by your mother.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 11:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-07-18 19:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My wife and I invented a new sexual position. It's called 96, we both turn our backs to each other and fart."
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you could have given me seventeen years and a staff of writers, pal...i had no intentions of posting anything.
my job here is to forfeit from as many contests as possible.
i perform a service for others in these things actually. if they are paired up with me, they can pretty much count on a bye in that round. post a picture of their grandfathers dick, or themselves yelling 'CANASTA', or something and still sail on through to the next round.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well technically I'm only :00:30 late, as 10AM EST is 9AM CST.
YOU MUST LOVE AND RESPECT THAT SORT OF THING.
I didn't even pay attention to the posted time as the last billion competitions have been due at midnight. Fortunately I could give less than a fig about this now that I'm more than halfway through my coursework for Phoning It In For Amateurs and Professionals: A How-To Guide On Not Living Up To Your Potential on the Internets.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just trying to squeeze all this shit in before christmas. you had all fucking week last week, sally.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your deadline was set at 9 in the fucking morning on a monday. or 3 or so in the afternoon for the UK. and who klnows what fucking time it is in australia? i hardly believe the place exists...why would imaginary land even have clocks and a concept of time at all?
anyway.
that deadline?
that was a boneheaded decision.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i canna listen to it here but i will later. apparently everyone forgot the deadline or no one really wanted to play. oh well.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha...
gay.
just be like me and enter contests without ever planning on ever actually participating. that way if you post anything at all, you will be giving both yourself and your audience a pleasant surprise! EVERYONE LIKES SURPRISES!
i +2 because i love.
today is a day for love.
and +2s
+2s all around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
except for that guy who i said some smartass thing to earlier and gave a zero. he got screwed. sorry guy i can't remember. you didn't slip in under the wire. BUT I SWEAR IF I VISIT YOUR POST AGAIN I WILL GIVE IT A +2.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's totally him, Noonie.
I think he worked on his file before he sent it, though. There's no way he sounds that young.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that can't be shlongy.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Posted past the deadline. You lose....but hey, I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-10 10:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
... What?