Fiction: Encounter. (3400 words) (932 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.88 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2007-12-10 22:31:04 EST
(Constructive comments greatly appreciated.)
"This new land of ours is a place of shadows, my friends." Drosil said as he readied the small ship for launch. Dael gathered his bag and threw it roughly into the boat, while Shay looked uneasily back up the shore towards the Ship and the many people bustling about, expanding onto the land. I cast a furtive glance up at the dark woods as they huddled upon the low, cragged slopes of the nearby, unnamed mountain. They looked like an undulating curtain, grey and black. The shadows behind them were still and silent and complete.
Drosil was right, this place is a land of shadow; strange, wild shadows that sometimes seemed to move of their own accord when you turned your eye. I shook my head and laughed quietly to myself at my child's fear of the dark and the unknown. I shouldered my gear and leapt nimbly into the boat. "Come, Shay, your mother will still be there when we get back." I said. Drosil and Dael laughed and prepared to row the small sailboat out into the deeper waters. Shay smiled and clambered in, drenching his legs in the cold, black water.
The oars dipped quietly into the water as Dael and Drosil steered us out into the channel, and I knew that for their laughter, they too were feeling a little apprehensive. Not much was known about our new home, and many had been sent out to find out about our local area and any possible neighbours, friends or enemies that might be near. Most had told of green, fertile lands and beautiful, empty islands waiting for us to live upon. Some had come back with some fearful stories of strange beasts and the scars to back them up. Some had not come back at all.
Dael and Drosil dropped the oars and we began to raise our little sail. There was very little wind anywhere around here, though usually what little there was howled with an oddly loud voice through the channels between islands and the groves of squat trees. Our sail filled a little and the boat nudged off over the black, fathomless water to the west and some dark foreboding clouds hanging low over the distant islands. We pointed the prow at one of the islands and gathered some speed. Shay pulled out some paper and ink and began to draw quickly, mapping the area around roughly, with assured, bold strokes of his stylus.
We sat quietly in the boat as it made its way toward our chosen island, each one concerned with his thoughts. I lightly drilled the point of my sword into the hull of the ship, twisting it around and around, listening to the waves slap against the wooden boat. With a brief, low shout, Drosil alerted us to the nearness of land and we readied ourselves to jump off. Dragging the boat out of the water and up on to the shoreline, I realized exactly how cold the water was, so cold it actually hurt a little. Up on the shore the beach was little more than a flat pile of small rocks, giving way to a thin, green ribbon of thick grass, which waved ever so slightly in the light shoreline breeze. A hill curled up away from us, jaggedly fenced with short but very straight trees. The shadows within were so deep that it was a little difficult to tell where they began; and the trees seemed to wave and sway a little with mournful little creaks. A cloud passed over the sun above, casting a brief pall over the view, plunging it further into deepening gloom. From somewhere in the shadowed wood a lone bird piped out a single, long knell, and then became abruptly silent. Looking at one another, we could all see the fear etched in our eyes, in the greyish pallor of our skin. I looked back over their shoulders toward the shore we came from, as the cloud passed and light rushed back over our view. I could see the towering forms of the enormous ships even from here, casting their huge, protective shadow over the few buildings we had begun to construct.
I turned back toward the wood and realized the others were watching me intently, like they were waiting for me to give the word to get back into the boat and return to our ships. I looked from them to the ground and stared at a strange blue and orange bug crawling intently over the thick grass. So much of this land was strange, and yet strangely familiar. I looked back up at the shadowed tree-line, which still creaked softly, even though there was no wind as far as I could tell.
"They're just trees." I said and drew my sword, trudging toward the shadows. Dael gave a slight snicker by way of agreement and followed. The others came after as we passed under the line of canopy and out of the sun. The undulating darkness before us beckoned. As our eyes became accustomed to the shade of the canopy above, we marveled at the proliferation of plants taking shelter from the sun. Large, coloured mushrooms sprouted from the wet, glistening floor, and flowers of a huge size, and bright colour, but made of a hard, thick substance that smelled of putrescence glowed faintly in the dark. Off into the distance strange little glowing motes of light seemed to dance and frolic slowly from the flowers to the tree branches and back again. The tree trunks were of a dark colour, mottled with mould. The bark was twisted and gnarled and moist, giving the impression of a curled serpent, as the knots and furrows appeared to move slowly in the dim, motile light shifting down from the canopy above.
We moved onwards, deeper into the wood. The hill we had climbed up into the wood had rounded out and lowered back down into a small valley carpeted with bright green plants like ferns. A tall stone stood in the middle of this clearing. It was made of a grey stone and was tall and thin with a knot at the top of three lumps fused together like a head with two short, rounded arms of a size and dimension exactly the same as the head. The Stone was smooth and almost polished with not a trace of mould or any blemish upon it. Around it there was a perfectly rounded mound of soil, the base of which, moving closer, was flat and hard, tamped down by some foot unknown to us. The low crunch of a stealthy foot misstep-ping on some bracken above us in the shade, reached our ears.
"Spread out a little, backs in." Dael said quietly. We turned our faces out and scanned the shadows. The clearing seemed to narrow as we shrunk together. The trees seemed to rise up and curl over like a wave, ominous and silent. A brush of movement and the sound of a voice laughing startled us. Drosil yipped a little and fired an arrow off into the dark.
"Settle down, boys." Dael grumbled. "Stick together. Let's get out of this clearing and see what we can see in the woods. Shay, pick up your things and let's go." Shay stabbed his spear into the ground and gathered up his books and papers, full of his scrawlings and scribblings of our journey, from the ground and stowed them. Jerking his weapon from the ground, he scrambled quickly after us as we strode carefully toward the edge, and the last place we saw movement. Another laugh echoed out from deeper in the wood as we reached the shade. Dael picked up a flower that was left, already picked, resting in the fork of two thin branches.
"I don't like this," He growled, "we are being played with here. We should head back." Drosil and Shay looked hopefully back toward me.
"We are here to find anyone or anything that might be a threat to us." I replied. "We need to keep moving, the Ring needs to know whatever it can." The three of them visibly slumped. "Let's move on. Seeing as whatever is leading us on obviously knows we are here, I'll give us some light to see by." I said, and drawing upon the Word, summoned a small ball of light, which sent the encroaching shadows scampering behind the trees.
"Maybe that wasn't the best idea, Lapin." Shay said, looking around. "Now we can't see at all outside the light." pointing to the impenetrable wall surrounding my spell.
"Well, nothing will sneak up on us, at least, and we can see where we are stepping, so we won't fall into any traps." I replied. Another tinkling little laugh rippled out, invisible, from the darkness. The sound of an animal bellowing roared out ahead of us, followed by the crashing sound of something running headlong through undergrowth and branches. Dael moved ahead and readied himself.
"Drosil, move to my side and get ready to shoot. Lapin, stand next to me and prepare yourself. Shay - stand behind us. Prepare yourselves." Came the command from Dael in a low voice. We rushed to obey his orders as the crashing sound got louder and louder. Whatever it was, it was not far away, and moving fast. "Drosil, I want you to shoot at whatever comes through into the light, as soon as you see it." He said. Drosil set himself and drew an arrow back.
Suddenly a low, bulky form smashed trough into the light, a long spiky beast that looked like a boar, with sharp, dull white tusks with a bluish fur. On its back were long, sharp spikes of a reddish brown. Drosil released his arrow which sunk into the beast with a thud. The beast didn't even slow, charging relentlessly toward us. Dael and I crouched. "Get ready to move aside just as it reaches us." He said and readied himself to spring. I nodded and followed his lead.
The beast charged on madly. Just before it reached us it leapt, lowering its head and thrusting spikes on its head forward, towards us. Dael and I dived to the side, thrusting with our weapons into its flesh. With a loud grunt, it slammed into Shay and drove him flailing back into the damp soil and bracken. We regained our feet and dashed over to it, as Drosil placed an arrow into its back. It didn't move. The beast lay still, with Shay's blood-drenched spear tip protruding out through its back. We shoved the dead beast over from where it had our friend pinned beneath its bulk. Shay was very still, and pale, with much blood pooling on his chest.
Fortunately the blood was not his, and he coughed roughly as he came to. Dael began to draw upon his Word and helped him revive.
"How do you feel?" I asked as Dael helped him to his feet.
"How do you think?" He replied. "I feel like I've been run over by a big, angry, heavy, spiky animal that has then bled all over me and covered me with its stench." Dael laughed. "Well, get your things. Whatever that thing is, it wasn't the one making that laughing noise. We have to move on."
Shay picked up his weapon and gear. "Wait a minute," he said, "I have to get a quick drawing of this." He said as he pulled out some paper and began to scribble hastily. Finishing up, he stowed his drawing equipment again and we set out once more to find the source of this laughter.
"Which way were we going?" Drosil asked. "I can't seem to remember."
I looked around at the unfamiliar surrounds. "Ah, I'm not sure, either, to be honest." I replied, looking around me a little.
"Oh, great." Shay sighed. Another laugh tinkled out from the dark, behind us.
"Well, we can follow that, I suppose. It's what we were doing anyway." I said, heading off toward the sound. The others looked at one another and followed.
We trudged on in our little bubble of light through the darkness; the trees arching over us, brittle-sharp fingers crisped down into claws, scrabbling at us from the ever-groaning canopy. The colours and shapes of the flowers and low shrubs seemed to dull and fade into an unhealthy pallor under the bright glare of the light of the globe. The large flowers were full of a sticky resin caked with the corpses of myriad insects, and ever more were being lured into their sickly-sweet midst. Blindly we followed the laughter, any sense of direction long since lost to the curving paths through the undergrowth and the shifting shadows.
A figure, white and surreal, appeared at the edge of the light. It was a woman, short and lithe, wearing a thin diaphanous garment that while covering her, was sheer enough to accentuate every curve and contour of her shapely figure. Long dark hair cascaded down, covering her profile as she stood with her side facing us, and an arm pointed out toward us. Large, dark eyes regarded us with a smile in them and with her hand she beckoned archly. None of us moved, yet none could look away, entranced by the being's beauty. Almost unbidden, our feet began to move toward her. As we began to move she gave a now-familiar laugh and shimmered off into the dark and out of sight. Dael began to run after her.
"Wait! No!" I called out, but it was too late, Shay began to dash after Dael. Drosil and I looked at one another and followed quickly, as Dael moved out of the light, after the woman. "Dael, Shay! Slow down!" Drosil and I called out, as we chased. Ahead of us we could hear as Dael crashed ahead, his bulk pushing easily through the scrub.
"He's too fast," Drosil panted as we ran, "we'll never catch up."
"Just keep running. There's Shay ahead, Dael can't be too far." I replied. Ahead at the edge of my light, we could see Shay dashing, dodging the thick trunks and sharp tendrils of scrub. Dael was still far out of sight, but we could still hear his noise crashing and see some of the gaps he left in the brush in his wake. Gradually, we caught Shay, but soon after we did, Dael's passage, noisy as it was, faded from hearing.
Shay suddenly stumbled and fell hard onto the ground. Drosil and I stopped to help. He was out cold. Drosil pulled out some water and splashed it on his face and began to revive him. After a few moments, Shay groaned and opened his eyes.
"Shay? You okay?" I asked over Drosil's shoulder as Shay began to shake his head slowly from side to side.
"Unh, that pig-thing must have hit me hard, I feel like I've been out for ages. I dreamed I was running through the bush, chasing after the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. But then I got to a clearing, like the one we saw before with that tall stone and then she turned and, and, an- her mouth, it was-"
A scream interrupted him. It was Dael's voice. I turned back to Shay.
"It was what, Shay? Her mouth, what was it?" I asked him.
"She was so beautiful, but when I got to the glade, she turned and faced me and smiled and her teeth, there were so many teeth, so many sharp pointed teeth, like little white daggers. She laughed and then you woke me." He said. We helped him to his feet, and took off after the trail he left us.
"Well, at least he isn't hard to follow." Drosil panted as we ran.
Abruptly, we crashed through into a clearing, the one we were in before, or at least one that looked like it. A figure was huddled near the centre rock, crouched over something. As we all stumbled over to our knees, it gave a start and stood as one, turning to face us. It was the woman-thing from before.
There was so much blood.
Her face was slick with it, from her eyebrows, down; and her gown was stained in a gory 'v' shape all down the front from neck to navel with the blood of her victim.
We could see that her apparent meal was our friend, his ruined corpse lay awkwardly arched over a small boulder, his dead eyes staring at the treeline.
The woman opened her blood-filled mouth, revealing a wide and jagged row of long, needle-sharp glistening white teeth, and gave a playful little laugh. We took a step back.
Her laugh was answered behind us.
We turned sharply to see several small figures stepping delicately out from the shadows, their hips swaying seductively beneath their sheer gowns.
That laugh was answered again, but to our left. More figures began to emerge.
There were so many of them, and so many teeth. We looked from them, to her in the middle with our friend's blood on her clothes, on her face and in her mouth. Her hands were down by her side, blood like gauntlets upon them. Slowly she stepped forward and we couldn't look away as she walked, so entrancing was her shape. I could hear movement behind and around as she did.
I awoke at the bottom of the valley, my head touching the centre stone. My shirt had been ripped off me, only a tattered few rags still clung to my arms. On my chest a strange design was drawn in blood. Gingerly, I felt my torso for any cuts or gashes, but there were none. I was unharmed. I tasted the iron-taste of blood in my mouth and gagged. My face was also covered in blood.
I chose not to think about whose.
I looked around me for my comrades but they were nowhere to be seen, the only clue to their existence was little piles of their clothing and belongings, their weapons gone.
"Drosil?" I called out "Shay? Are you here?" I called, knowing that they were both dead. I looked again at the design on my chest and began to wonder what ritual they were preparing me for. Disoriented, I wandered around the clearing trying to remember which direction we came from.
A light, playful laugh trilled from the darkness of the trees.
Blindly, I ran.
Without direction or purpose other than survival I ran. My lungs burned and screamed in pain at me to stop, but onward I ran, until I hit shoreline. I scrambled upon the loose rocks of the shore until I found our little boat, got in, and began to row away. There was no more sign of them, other than a queer, greenish light that descended down from the clouds into the midst of the isle, roughly where the clearing would be. I could only guess what evil rite they had performed upon me, as I tried to block out the vision of the beasts feasting upon the raw corpses of my comrades. I rowed hard, trying to erase the memory of those blood-filled mouths from my mind. Eventually, I reached the almost familiar shore of our new home, this strange isle our Ship had dumped us upon. I clambered out of the boat and ran to my quarters in the hold of the Ship, speaking to no-one. I cast myself upon my cot and consigned myself to peaceful darkness and sleep.
"This new land of ours is a place of shadows, my lords." I said the next day, before the ring, having told them my tale. They nodded gravely and looked at one another with worry on their faces they tried to hide from me.
Even now I cannot look at the shifting lights and concealing darkness of the woods nearby and not see those teeth, and hear that laughter and imagine the screams of my friends.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-12-13 04:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm too tired for in depth constructive criticism, and mostly what I would say has already been said by others beneath (and more succinctly then what I could manage, I'm sure).
Though, I'd stress that this piece would benefit from an edit with a 'less adverbs/adjectives' restriction in mind.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-13 02:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-12 02:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
acutally, on second thought, i have no excuse for the adverbs. that is terrible writing for which there is no justifiable reason.
---
oh shut up. i was just being a douchebag.
the names are still gay, though.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-12 17:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just fucking around, Circe. That's what I do. I didn't mean anything by it.
I still think the "story" is pretty good. I don't know; maybe if I understood the genre better. The descriptives don't bother me, and I do think they helped immensely with creating the scene. I could picture it all pretty well in my head.
Problem is, taste in literature is almost entirely subjective. Like taste in food. My kid thinks celery tastes better than apples, which I think is just fucking crazy. Likewise, some people think Kerouac is a better writer than, say, Raymond Chandler. Fucking crazy, in my book. I will continue to praise the things that I like and not try to judge the artistic merit of the posts, if that's okay with everybody.
Celery sucks.
Submitted by Unwell (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have spent the last two days reading through your old posts. Fucking GREAT stuff! You should post more often.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-12 03:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: IF THIS IS FOR WORK YOU SHOULD BE FIRED.
GET ME SOME COFFEE, TEMP.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-12 03:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-11 09:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I call him an overeducated self righteous talentless blowhard.
---
ME TOO!
Mostly cuz it's true.
BTW.
If I broke my arm and I had like this cool cast - I would TOTALLY want circe to sign it.
...just sayin'.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-12-12 03:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whjaty's wrong with adverbs?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-12 02:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
acutally, on second thought, i have no excuse for the adverbs. that is terrible writing for which there is no justifiable reason.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-12-11 23:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I keep misreading this on the front page as Friction Encounter or First Encounter.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 22:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
unfortunately for my self-confidence, circe is unfortunately off the mark. when i have written 'shit' (ie poorly written on purpose) stories in the past, they were better than this.
my excuses: this is for work, and the overuse of adverbs and adjectives was actually for a purpose. its trying to set a certain tone to describe the 'mood' of a world ive had to create so that concept artists can get tones and textures for their art, which in turn get turned into models. this is a more difficult task than one might imagine, especially given i have the visual art capabilities of a retarded toddler.
fantasy is not my thing. it is too action-y and not psychological enough for me - n fact its a bit too meh, as a genre.
the names are cheesy, but they are adhering to a particular convention based upon a certain language. the story itself is cheesy, because its supposed to emulate possible things that can/could happen in the game world itself, and due to the limited ability of AI to interact and provide narrative, there is only so much they can do in a conventional story.
either way, im happy with the feedback, and am still happy enough with the story. its not very good, and far below what i can do, but its ticks the boxes i was looking for. about a half to 2/3s said they liked or didnt mind it, and thats about all im looking for. theres no accounting for taste. just kidding.
to make up for this, ill see if i can write something a little bit less shitful to prove to you all that i can do something 'good'. i must have your adoration, i simply MUST HAVE IT.
thankyou everyone for your comments, supportive and otherwise. they are all useful and appreciated when they are constructive.
circe, however, remains a undereducated hack. and she beats her kids.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-12-11 21:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're wasted on this and it doesn't suit you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-11 17:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:48:13 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 22:12:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
strangely enough, i dont generally like to name my protagonist. it was only done in this because of contextual requirements. """
i also dislike naming my protagonist and i especially dislike describing their looks, clothes etc.
---
i generally find it superfluous. needless words wasted on an irrelevancy. what matters are their words and their actions and little else. who cares if theyre wearing an armani suit or a chicken outfit while your hero/ine saves the day.
-----------
I think the reason you both dislike describing your protagonist's physical appearance mainly stems from both of you being hacks.
:) """
you could be right there, I actually don't know how to do it well, it always seems gay and forced but here's the thing, i've never a read a book or an author who does it well. They either seem to do it badly or not do it at all.
Submitted by Xgod_called_in_sickX (user info) at 2007-12-11 17:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is way too long
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-11 16:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ily didn'tly readly allly ofly thatly.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-11 16:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-12-11 13:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"This new land of ours is a place of shadows, friends." Drosil said it thoughtlessly as he readied the small ship for launch. Dael gathered his bag and threw it roughly into the boat while Shay looked uneasily back up the shore towards the Ship and the many people bustling about, emptying onto the land. I cast a furtive glance up at the dark woods as they huddled upon the low, cragged slopes of an unnamed mountain. They looked like an undulating curtain, grey and black. The shadows behind them were still and silent and complete.
Drosil was right. His words echoed in my thoughts; thoughts of the shadowy edges cast by untouched wilderness. They were surely ancient, but also seemed somehow uncertain, rippling and shifting of their own accord at the turn of your eye. I shook my head and laughed quietly to myself at my child's (childish? childhood?) fear of the dark and the unknown. I shouldered my gear and leapt nimbly into the boat. "Come, Shay, your mother will still be there when we get back." I said. Drosil and Dael laughed and prepared to row the small sailboat out into deeper waters. Shay smiled and clambored in, drenching his legs in the cold, black water.
The oars dipped easily into the water as Dael and Drosil steered us out into the channel. I knew that for their laughter, they too were feeling a little apprehensive. Little was known about our new home, though many had been sent out to explore the local area. Most had told of green, fertile lands and beautiful, empty islands. Some had come back with fearful stories of strange beasts and the scars to remember. There was no mention of friends or foes, but some had simply not come back at all.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-11 12:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-11 11:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i got about 100 words in and decided that you are hereby the NEW KING OF ADVERBS AND ADJECTIVES.
then i quit reading.
***
lol
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-11 12:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think I've ever really read any of your posts... So I don't have anything to compare this to... but it read like a Mad Lib.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-11 12:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i read more of this and it just never engaged me at all.
also, the littered path of unnecessary descriptive words still annoyed me.
i hate the names that people create for characters in this genre.
that about covers anything i felt like saying about this.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-11 11:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this for work? If this is for a video game then I'd say it was ok. Video games are supposed to be cheesy.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-11 11:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lots of "ly" words annoy me. Sorry.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-11 11:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i got about 100 words in and decided that you are hereby the NEW KING OF ADVERBS AND ADJECTIVES.
then i quit reading.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-11 10:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All kinds of awesome, even if I'm not a big fan of fantasy writing. You kept my interest piqued long enough to finish too.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-11 09:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What egos? If you're referring to me, you're mistaken. Sam is a damned fine writer. I know that, because I've read a lot of his stuff. This is shit. It's trite, absolute, as-bad-as-it-can-be-without-being-obvious-satire shit. Sam doesn't write shit. Sam wrote this to fuck with people, to see who'd praise it as decent, for a joke.
Either that or he's had a brain hemorrhage.
In any case, if I'm going to fight with Sam, I do it on MSN where he calls me an undereducated hack wannabe and I call him an overeducated self righteous talentless blowhard.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-11 09:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let the Clash of the Egos begin.
I'll expect some interesting reading when I come back.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-12-11 09:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 streak
Very rare these days
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-11 08:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Albeit, repeat customer, below.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-11 08:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm mostly impressed with your ability to carry on writing this uninteresting drivel
slightly better than a sicosemen post.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-11 08:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I enjoyed this not at all.
As Circe as highlighted, this was painful to read. Are you indeed taking the piss, or was this in earnest?
If the former, then this get's a +2; if the latter - god help us.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-12-11 08:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They grumbled, gasped, panted, called out, sighed, laughed all their dialogue, and there were way way way too many adjectives.
You're taking the piss. There's no way known you suck this hard.
I see you caught a couple of people, too... tell me, Sam, did you laugh as loudly as I did at all that praise?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-11 07:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-11 07:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was ......
-----
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 05:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
would you care to elaborate?
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-11 04:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Banal
___
Lol
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-11 07:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was ......
-----
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 05:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
would you care to elaborate?
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-11 04:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Banal
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-11 06:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Constructive: shorten this.
The End
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-11 06:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Booze isn't really a vice and, well, I'm too shy to ever even consider visiting a whore. It's hard enough to approach drug dealers.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-11 06:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-11 06:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather enjoyed this. I have a hankering for fantasy stories. They, along with cigarettes, lechery, apathy and class A drugs, are my only vices.
--
What about Hoo Ers and Booze??
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-11 06:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather enjoyed this. I have a hankering for fantasy stories. They, along with cigarettes, lechery, apathy and class A drugs, are my only vices.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-11 05:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I liked it, and would read more.
I can't comment on the grammatical and stuff as my own grasp takes a little to be desired. I like the fantasy genre and always have, provides for a good escape sometimes when reading.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 05:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
would you care to elaborate?
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-11 04:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Banal
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 04:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
steak, thats an interesting comment, and id probably agree. what makes it so is i think the amount of time spend to set mood, with about half the story dedicated to the setup. cut it in half, and the immediacy of the latter half is far more readable.
thanks again for the comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-11 02:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK NOT REALLY.
only kinda. Just kinda jarring. I dig the fantasy genre - and I did like this - but it wasn't quite at the level of your standard dragon magazine fan fiction.
Is your LARP character a swashbuckler? Hmm? You get the gold last time you played?
Dice rollin' freak.
NERD. um.
I really liked it. You, however, remain a giant retard.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-11 02:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HACK
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 02:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no, physical appearance is important only if it has impact upon the storyline. anything outside that is a waste of words. spend them describing whats happening to him/her.
my example of a chicken suit is obviously an exaggeration.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-11 01:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 22:12:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
strangely enough, i dont generally like to name my protagonist. it was only done in this because of contextual requirements. """
i also dislike naming my protagonist and i especially dislike describing their looks, clothes etc.
---
i generally find it superfluous. needless words wasted on an irrelevancy. what matters are their words and their actions and little else. who cares if theyre wearing an armani suit or a chicken outfit while your hero/ine saves the day.
-----------
I think the reason you both dislike describing your protagonist's physical appearance mainly stems from both of you being hacks.
:)
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-12-11 01:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 22:12:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
strangely enough, i dont generally like to name my protagonist. it was only done in this because of contextual requirements. """
i also dislike naming my protagonist and i especially dislike describing their looks, clothes etc.
---
i generally find it superfluous. needless words wasted on an irrelevancy. what matters are their words and their actions and little else. who cares if theyre wearing an armani suit or a chicken outfit while your hero/ine saves the day.
---
didn't read it, but I'll respond to this.
A little description about a character's attire can be very important. contextually speaking, if he's wearing a chicken outfit and says, "i'm here to save you" then you can assume he is either crazy, or, if it is a comedic piece, in between superhero raiment. If he's wearing red shorts and has a whistle, he's probably a lifeguard. if he is in a white shirt and tie and holding a bible he's a jehova's witness. This isn't being lazy. it's about giving the reader a head start so he isn't rushing to keep up.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your problem: This wasn't written for the reader. Well written, yes, but not something I'd read twice.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
again, the 'dark and shadows etc' are work related. its meant to reinforce mood, to really drive home the 'look' and 'tone' of the base idea of this piece.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 22:12:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
strangely enough, i dont generally like to name my protagonist. it was only done in this because of contextual requirements. """
i also dislike naming my protagonist and i especially dislike describing their looks, clothes etc.
---
i generally find it superfluous. needless words wasted on an irrelevancy. what matters are their words and their actions and little else. who cares if theyre wearing an armani suit or a chicken outfit while your hero/ine saves the day.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My pleasure. Anything to keep me from getting paid...
On the contrary, I thought you did a good job with the visualizations. Maybe a little redundant with the shadows and the dark and the gray, but the motile (a word I had to look up) was a nice contrast to the backdrop. Shit. That sounds like artsy-stuff.
And I'm done. Somebody is going to accuse me of sucking dick. I hate that.
Fuckers.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 22:12:50 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
strangely enough, i dont generally like to name my protagonist. it was only done in this because of contextual requirements. """
i also dislike naming my protagonist and i especially dislike describing their looks, clothes etc.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
as for the 'artsy' stuff, thats one thing i think i have a decent handle on. there is no real subtext here, and nor is there meant to be; and the descriptions are minimal, which i prefer. who cares what shit looks like if nothing is happening.
your comment on 'okay' is interesting. i hadnt thought of that, and it is very obvious. though, this isnt set in a 'real' world of course, so maybe language conventions of real-world middle ages or ye-olde-times dont apply? or maybe i should just think more about how my characters should speak.
thanks again.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
firstly, thankyou very much for your comments. my grammatical skills are not particularly outstanding, due to my countries' education board deeming it to be not useful enough to include into the public schooling system.
as such, my use - or more accurately - misuse of the comma is frequent and glaring.
i am not one for fantasy, either. this is a work-related piece.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'd avoid having the characters say "okay." That word is modern slang (less than 200 years old), and sounds out of place. Taken to an extreme, you might as well have King Arthur say to Lancelot, "Whaddup, G?"
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be damned. You can write. I'll offer a few technical edits, only because I actually think you might appreciate them. Anal comments, yes, but I get paid in part to edit technical papers. All in all, these are petty comments. Nice job, even though I hate this fantasy crap.
I would change "became abruptly silent" to "abruptly became silent." A wee matter.
You use "intently" in consecutive sentences, and it sound a bit off...I don't know...blech.
"'They're just trees.' Said..." should be "'They're just trees', said..." Comma. You do this more often then not. Maybe it's the new style. I don't know. I hope not. No...it can't be.
"Large, coloured mushrooms" How are they colored? Drab? How 'bout "brightly coloured" or some such, but you use "bright" later in the sentence. Needs a modifier. Pretty much everything is coloured, except things that aren't, but all mushrooms are coloured, unless you're tripping, or blind, or something. "brilliantly" maybe?
"It was made of a grey stone and was tall and thin with a knot at the top of three lumps fused together like a head with two short, rounded arms of a size and dimension exactly the same as the head." Blech. Blech. Blech. And what does the shape of this thing have to do with anything?
"a flower that was left, already picked, resting in the fork of two thin branches." Doesn't the fact that it was found resting in the fork of the branches imply that it was "already picked?" I would take out "already picked."
"I don't like this," He growled... Little h.
"the crashing sound of something running headlong through undergrowth" How does the narrator know it's running "*head*long." Maybe it's a giant crab. Maybe it's Michael Jackson. The narrator doesn't know.
"far away, and moving fast" - 'fast' is an adjective, though more and more people are using it as an adverb; thus, someday it will be considered an adjective and an adverb. Today is not that day. Drives me crazy. How 'bout 'quickly'?
"Dael was still far out of sight, but we could still hear his noise crashing" Maybe you mean "noisy." I'd take out the second "still," too.
"I looked again at the design on my chest and began to wonder what ritual they were preparing me for. Disoriented, I wandered around the clearing trying to remember which direction we came from." - Two consecutive sentences ending with a preposition. These don't really bother me, but they'll drive some people crazy -- especially when you do it in two sentences in a row.
"with worry on their faces they tried to hide from me." blech It sound like *they* are trying to hide themselves rather than their faces.
Why do you capitalize "ship?"
You'll need somebody else to help you with the artsy-fartsy stuff you learned in school. Symbolism and shit. I don't do that.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
strangely enough, i dont generally like to name my protagonist. it was only done in this because of contextual requirements.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still liked it.
One nitpicky detail, but a little important at the same time: we didn't learn the protagonist's name until well into the story.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-10 23:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read a couple of lines at random and they were grammatically and syntactically correct. There were also a lot of them, so +2 for now.