Ubermas '07: All I Want For Christmas is A Sack Full of Dead Birds. (1287 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: Ubermas
Rating: 1.19 on 144 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (View user info) at 2007-12-12 05:41:32 EST
Most vegetarians will claim to love every animal under the sun. I am not one of these vegetarians.
My whole life I've had a vendetta against birds, specifically swans and geese. As a small boy of 3 I was bitten squarely on the finger by a swan. I can't remember the pain, not because it's been so long, rather I've set up a wall in my brain to block out the horrendous aftermath of the event. My hatred of geese stems from a far more hilarious experience (in hindsight) when I was 5 and chased Benny Hill style around a field by a gaggle of angry, rampaging geese. There's actually a video of this, made by my father who's laughing so hard that the camera is shaking all over the place. The video almost ends when my mother realises what's happening and starts to laugh as well, then realises her son is currently the victim of a terrifying bird related disaster and yells at my dad,
"Turn that off and help Andrew for goodness sake!"
He doesn't though, oh no! He merely sets it on the ground so it captures him chasing the geese chasing me. It's fucking hilarious to watch, mainly since his aid only serves to fan the flame of goose wrath and speed them up! It's all resolved peacefully (miraculously) as my dad snatches me up like some kind of balding superhero and returns me to the grateful clutches of my mum who has been laughing throughout. She denies this, but the video speaks for itself.
Fast forward a few years of mercilessly bird free strife and into my teenage life. I spent the summer of 2004 in Chicago with my parents. In order to actually see the light of day and get some much needed colour into my pale skin I took to cycling my battered old mountain bike up and down the boardwalk beside Lake Michigan for hours on end. Of course, I was hoping for a glimpse of the famous Bart Bart, but alas my prayers were never answered. Still, there's something very relaxing and enjoyable about cycling, until you realise that you're pissing sweat and it feels like someone is hitting the back of your legs with a cricket bat.
Probably my favourite part of the track was where the path curved elegantly round a museum to the left and then sharply turned right through a small patch of trees. I forget the name of the museum, but I know I've been in it and remember it being highly impressive. The museum is not the issue though, for this small clump of trees was where I was to have my next experience with my old foe, the goose.
It was a fairly mild day for a Chicago August. I'd only had to fully rehydrate my body twice on my journey and my skin was only just beginning to peel with the heat. I approached the 'Museum Curve' at good pace and carried this pace into the sharp right that followed. It was then that I screeched to a halt and put my foot down on the floor whilst turning my bike like you always see them do in movies and such. In front of me, inexplicably I might mention, was a small gathering of geese.
"Right you cunts, I'm gonna fucking get ye." I spat through clenched teeth.
"Come an' 'ave a go if ye think yer 'ard enuff!" the geese chanted back as one.
"What the fuck? Time to die fuckers!"
I took aim at what I took to be the King Goose as he was wearing a small crown and carrying a sceptre. I pedalled furiously towards him picking up good speed. As I was approaching he moved to the left, to let me past.
"Haha you fucking pussy!" I crowed, lifting my hands off the handlebars and punching the air wildly.
The King Goose winked at me then, and stepped back into my path with style and aplomb. I was thrown from my bike with considerable force and bounced off the pavement landing simultaneously on my face, shoulder and wrist. One broken wrist, one blackened eye and a dislocated shoulder later, it was obvious that the geese had won. Again.
That's right uber, I got my shit comprehensively ruined by a fucking goose.
Another blitz through years of drinking and debauchery finds myself, now 22 and wise to the ways of our feathered friends, standing on the corner of my street. The corner in question has a coffee shop on it and consequentially a lot of pigeons hang out there, begging for crumbs. There was only one pigeon there this morning, but man did he have balls. Not content with eating all the crumbs of ciabatta and whatever off the pavement he actually hopped up onto my shoe and sat there, fat, resplendent and cooing happily.
"Dude, get the fuck off!"
"Coo-coo?"
"OK so pigeons can't talk then..."
I stood pondering my situation and realised that this was my chance. This was where I stood and fought. This pigeon would be dining in hell tonight! SPARRTAAAAA!
I pivoted on my right leg and swung my left back. I flicked the pigeon deftly at the wall of the coffee shop and watched it hit with a satisfying 'THWACK' sound. Pumping my fist jubilantly in the air I was overjoyed and muttered about how cool that had been. The mothers taking their offspring to the local school didn't agree and looked at me with horror, revulsion and disgust.
In it's own way, the pigeon had won.
It wasn't even dead, merely stunned. My antics had earned me a false victory, and possibly a call from the RSPB.
User Reviews
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-12 19:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got you covered...
i kill around a 100 to 120 ducks and geese each year
and a handfull of peasants...i mean pheasants
==========================================================
har har slaughtering the lower class....
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2007-12-15 03:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i too was chased by geese as a child
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-12-13 19:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a picture of my older brother standing on the top of our old station wagon with a flock of enraged geese below. I treasure that photo.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-12-13 11:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been attacked by a swan before. Fucking vicious.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bird flu can kiss my ass!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Around the age of 10, my cousin got his first pellet gun. What followed that summer would come to be known as the Avicaust. The forest floor around my house lay strewn with the corpses of crows, doves, sparrows, robins, and even a few cardinals.
The fun ended when my mother realized what we were doing and told me I had to eat whatever I killed or she would take the gun away.
Still, you got your Christmas gift, probably from several million young kids aside from myself.
Beware though, now they're using biological warfare, inventing new flu types and whatnot.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 13:21:58 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Orh no i am a him i do have moobs though its gladular you fuckers, honest.
Hurty of course it was your riveting post if thats what you choose to believe.
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I do indeed sir, I do indeed.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Orh no i am a him i do have moobs though its gladular you fuckers, honest.
Hurty of course it was your riveting post if thats what you choose to believe.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you are a girl, would you like to show those boobies on Ballares post?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 13:16:38 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurty stop your head swelling.
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I've already got a belt tied 'round it, "Bad Taste" style.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurty stop your head swelling.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Babylons, clearly it was my riveting post which attracted you here.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 13:11:50 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Suppose only Time will tell, he got plenty of it to get the team right haha. Also what the hell is going on with Sven, like he's dipped his cock in gold! I always though he was fucking useless, i think time will tell with that one as well
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Obviously this season it's tough to tell about his managerial qualities at Prem level, though it seems to me that the fault of England being utter shit could be because the team just aren't up to scratch, rather than a managerial deficiency.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well orphelia i have been around for quite a while but just do not post(apart from 2 shit ones early on) or comment much, seems futile unless its something i'm intrested in really, or extremly bored at work.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Suppose only Time will tell, he got plenty of it to get the team right haha. Also what the hell is going on with Sven, like he's dipped his cock in gold! I always though he was fucking useless, i think time will tell with that one as well
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No no we never spoke. I meant a flash from Uberpast.
This is happening alot recently. Spooky.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah but again was Scolari ever going to come, also how about looking on home soil again, mister Redknapp maybe, although living in Portsmouth i may be being bias. Also what about big Sam?
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True. I don't think Redknapp would be a good choice, neither big Sam since he's having a hard enough time with the Toon. I'm just jealous you lot have managed to obtain a decent manager (so it seems) while we Scots flounder around talking about Billy Davies and Craig Burley... Useless.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you mean me orh, I don't remember conversing with you in the past?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a story about swans and how they can fuck you up a few years ago. oh here it is: http://www.ubersite.com/m/54423
it did well
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I decapitated a goose with a 1-iron for messing with me on a golf course. It's head went into the pond. By the time we made it back around to where I could see the pond again, the vultures were halfway through the carcass. True story.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 08:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 12:48:11 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Capello is a good choice, the special one was never gonna go for it!
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It was good how he fucked them around for a while though.
I'm not so sure either. I think O'Neill would have been a better choice. It also seems to me that Capello was always second favourite to Scolari.
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I though it was great he fucked them about, i find his arrogance highly amusing. I can just imagine him thinking, ah they think i want the job but it will say NO, now maybe yes , now No again, hangon maybe, no no no i change my mind again. But obviously it a dodgy accent.
Yeah but again was Scolari ever going to come, also how about looking on home soil again, mister Redknapp maybe, although living in Portsmouth i may be being bias. Also what about big Sam?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flash from the past, below?
Am I in The Twilight Zone today? Is Beadle about?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 12:48:11 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Capello is a good choice, the special one was never gonna go for it!
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It was good how he fucked them around for a while though.
I'm not so sure either. I think O'Neill would have been a better choice. It also seems to me that Capello was always second favourite to Scolari.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Capello is a good choice, the special one was never gonna go for it!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose I can't complain.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 06:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A30054539
There you go Feely.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 06:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have little knowledge of this guy. I was hoping for Mourinio, the big ponce.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's only uber that has ever commented on it. As a veteran of this shit-hole I will constantly be one step ahead.
What do you make of this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/internationals/7137847.stm
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is my sole purpose in life to think of a bonkeye joke you haven't yet heard...
One day, one day.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 10:47:31 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should see my bonkeye shrine. Where ever I am in the room, you are looking at me honeybuns.
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OR AM I?!?!?!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should see my bonkeye shrine. Where ever I am in the room, you are looking at me honeybuns.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 10:42:03 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Checks notebook for facts about Hurty I religiously gather*
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You wish that was a lie, don't you?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Checks notebook for facts about Hurty I religiously gather*
Oh yes.
Since you think I live in Norwich, I think this misunderstanding is forgivable. Dork.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, Kilmarnock. I thought you knew of my horrible affliction?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh? You are not a Celtic fan are you?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 10:04:07 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rangers crashed out, poppet.
==============
I know, I was in a Celtic pub singing La Marseillaise!
Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé !
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez-vous dans nos campagnes
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras.
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes!
Aux armes citoyens
Formez vos bataillons
Marchons, marchons
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons
Que veut cette horde d'esclaves
De traîtres, de rois conjurés?
Pour qui ces ignobles entraves
Ces fers dès longtemps préparés?
Français, pour nous, ah! quel outrage
Quels transports il doit exciter?
C'est nous qu'on ose méditer
De rendre à l'antique esclavage!
Quoi ces cohortes étrangères!
Feraient la loi dans nos foyers!
Quoi! ces phalanges mercenaires
Terrasseraient nos fils guerriers!
Grand Dieu! par des mains enchaînées
Nos fronts sous le joug se ploieraient
De vils despotes deviendraient
Les maîtres des destinées.
Tremblez, tyrans et vous perfides
L'opprobre de tous les partis
Tremblez! vos projets parricides
Vont enfin recevoir leurs prix!
Tout est soldat pour vous combattre
S'ils tombent, nos jeunes héros
La France en produit de nouveaux,
Contre vous tout prêts à se battre.
Français, en guerriers magnanimes
Portez ou retenez vos coups!
Épargnez ces tristes victimes
À regret s'armant contre nous
Mais ces despotes sanguinaires
Mais ces complices de Bouillé
Tous ces tigres qui, sans pitié
Déchirent le sein de leur mère!
Nous entrerons dans la carrière
Quand nos aînés n'y seront plus
Nous y trouverons leur poussière
Et la trace de leurs vertus
Bien moins jaloux de leur survivre
Que de partager leur cercueil
Nous aurons le sublime orgueil
De les venger ou de les suivre!
Amour sacré de la Patrie
Conduis, soutiens nos bras vengeurs
Liberté, Liberté chérie
Combats avec tes défenseurs!
Sous nos drapeaux, que la victoire
Accoure à tes mâles accents
Que tes ennemis expirants
Voient ton triomphe et notre gloire!
ALLEZ LYON, AU REVOIR HUNS!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rangers crashed out, poppet.
hehehe
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 22:04:31 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad luck with the match, chicken.
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BAD LUCK? WHAT A FUCKING RESULT!!!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-12-12 20:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, alright.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-12 19:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got you covered...
i kill around a 100 to 120 ducks and geese each year
and a handfull of peasants...i mean pheasants
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 17:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad luck with the match, chicken.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-12 16:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate looking at dead birds, otherwise this probably would have been a two.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-12 14:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 14:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Toe, I bet you are really hot. You act such a bitch, i would so turn lez for you.
---
:)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 14:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Toe, I bet you are really hot. You act such a bitch, i would so turn lez for you.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*sighs*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurty once met Bruce willis?? Cool.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
he has a dull life, no friends, fake girlfriend, even the japanese hate him.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do both Em. hehe
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:44:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God, Hurty is threatening to bore us to death with the 'I remember the time I met'... stories.:)
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Haha, hardly, they mostly involve hanging out with bands and shit. Oh, and Matt Willis being a cunt.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck Rangers
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i have to see my chick :( booo i want to go to the pub
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God, Hurty is threatening to bore us to death with the 'I remember the time I met'... stories.:)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have met countless 'celebrities' through working in Student Unions. Big whoop. I'll regale you all with tales of them later. For now, I'm off to the pub to hopefully watch Rangers get slaughtered.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We play that in Asda. Surprising how many kids and parents join in. I miss dick and dom. Rachael Stevens storming off = funniest moment ever.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love Dick and Dom, BOGIES!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, I had a brief repose with Dick. He told me he had a hangover. Asked me where was good to go for drinks locally. All I could manage to say was I liked his shirt. We didn't swap phone numbers. I met Claire Sweeney once too. I really fancied her but she was a cow IRL, quite off putting.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:35:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I met Dick at the local hospital. He was there for a 'fun day'.
You are Eugene, ain't you em?
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No madam i dont agree with alters, well apart from Oscar but that has died a death. Did you chat to dick? was he lovely like me?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:33:50 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:31:54 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
well red is gay apparently, well so i heard. I look more like that guy off dick and dom.
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Have you seen that pair in real life? Rough as arseholes. Makeup works miracles.
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Well obviously I look liek the telivised Dick not the rough one.
Weirdly I have nevr seen them in real life.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I met Dick at the local hospital. He was there for a 'fun day'.
You are Eugene, ain't you em?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:34:13 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love dick
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Now there's a surprise.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love dick on Dick And Dom. The sidekick was the best - Harry Batt the geordie copper. 'nay one mave....'
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:31:54 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
well red is gay apparently, well so i heard. I look more like that guy off dick and dom.
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Have you seen that pair in real life? Rough as arseholes. Makeup works miracles.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well red is gay apparently, well so i heard. I look more like that guy off dick and dom.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:29:36 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
what do you mean chipmunk boy! He looks like a fruit.
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He was married until 1995. To a woman. Alan Cumming is pretty cool to be honest.
Chipmunk boy... That's, that's just childish.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
orphelia madam get on msn
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Red looks like Alan Cummings. He is gay, you know.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:29:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats how I like 'em, already spoken for. Urgh, Ross Noble.... Maybe give that one a miss!
I am DreamWeaver and TheDoctor and.....
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what do you mean chipmunk boy! He looks like a fruit.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:27:42 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
that leonare chick has just said i look like Alan Cumming!
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Way more of a compliment than you deserve.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that leonare chick has just said i look like Alan Cumming!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:24:42 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is James hot? And single? Does he have 20/20 vision?
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He looks like Ross Noble. No. Yes.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you better hope he hasn't got 20/20 vision orphelia!! hehe
Well i dont know but I cant log in as Oscar now :( im just guessing he's been banned.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is James hot? And single? Does he have 20/20 vision?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 18:23:18 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
umm no not me, alters arent my bag. thought you knew that. Oh apart from Oscar but he's banned :(
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How the hell did you get him banned.
*Raises eyebrow suspiciously*
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whose James?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm only The_Hitcher and HBTS. Despite appearances to the contrary. DAMN YOU JAMES!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
umm no not me, alters arent my bag. thought you knew that. Oh apart from Oscar but he's banned :(
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurty, I thought you were Eugene the mean??
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I see you've logged out as Eugene then Emission old chap.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so is captain haddock
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate fucking Canadian geese. Most ornery, ill-tempered fowl I've ever seen, and they shit EVERYwhere. They're the only animal I'd consider chasing just to scare 'em.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
swans are gay
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-12 12:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I just hate vegetarians
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-12-12 12:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-12 12:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't really see anything all that reprehensible about cock fighting.
I'm not going to explain that statement.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-12 12:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
effort
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 11:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dick old bean I like that you've become more prolific and far reaching with your insults. They're still pathetic though.
Submitted by richardcranium (user info) at 2007-12-12 11:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it, cock ridding homo.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 11:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-12 16:00:32 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
i thought it was a bag of dead women cuz i automatically translated it to british.
===============
That would also be an acceptable gift.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-12 11:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i thought it was a bag of dead women cuz i automatically translated it to british.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did someone repeatedly say 'boobs'?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:45:31 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
not much of a christmas tale really but still an enjoyable read.
===========
The title of the post is a genuine Christmas wish.
I'd been intending to post this yesterday, but I had some browser issues.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not much of a christmas tale really but still an enjoyable read.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:21:50 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:03:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I could borrow my girlfriend's boobs?
Why not have the gf as a stand in? I can live with that. (proboobly)
==========
She is a sexy lady, I'll ask her tonight.
:-) I'm leaving on a jetplane, pom pom pom.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:21:50 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:03:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I could borrow my girlfriend's boobs?
Why not have the gf as a stand in? I can live with that. (proboobly)
==========
She is a sexy lady, I'll ask her tonight.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn camping. forgot to rate..
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:03:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I could borrow my girlfriend's boobs?
Why not have the gf as a stand in? I can live with that. (proboobly)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 15:03:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Gets down on one knee*
How about it rorrim? (Sorry Soph!)
I'm a boobs-man, so i think we have a no-go here.
Although that blind spot of yours makes it tempting...
Lemme reconsider,k?
--
I will send him a special diet that will guarantee that he has boobage for the wedding day.
========
I could borrow my girlfriend's boobs?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Gets down on one knee*
How about it rorrim? (Sorry Soph!)
I'm a boobs-man, so i think we have a no-go here.
Although that blind spot of yours makes it tempting...
Lemme reconsider,k?
--
I will send him a special diet that will guarantee that he has boobage for the wedding day.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Gets down on one knee*
How about it rorrim? (Sorry Soph!)
I'm a boobs-man, so i think we have a no-go here.
Although that blind spot of yours makes it tempting...
Lemme reconsider,k?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Gets down on one knee*
How about it rorrim? (Sorry Soph!)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you two are getting on like a house on fire. Do I hear wedding bells in the future?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 14:52:46 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey campers! Can i park my egg here for an hour or so?
===============
All welcome.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey campers! Can i park my egg here for an hour or so?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't waste your time, Hurty. What a fucking idiot.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who the fuck are you Luther?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Eugene_Luther (user info) at 2007-12-12 14:41:18 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
fag
--------------
You are not very funny at all.
Rather pathetic really. I pity you.
Submitted by Eugene_Luther (user info) at 2007-12-12 09:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fag
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 08:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:09:38 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
you should try to convince my wife of that after they chew up one of her shoes or the big digs a hole under the fence for the little one to get out.
==============
Point out how fucking badass they are, that'll show her!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-12 08:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you should try to convince my wife of that after they chew up one of her shoes or the big digs a hole under the fence for the little one to get out.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 08:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-12 13:04:53 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got 2 dogs and they kill the pigeons in my back yard.
My bird dog will point them and freeze them and the terrier will swoop in and kill them.
I didn't teach them this it is just natural pack instinct to work together.
Then they toss the body around all day like a play toy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sounds like my kids.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 08:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You have cool dogs man.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-12 08:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got 2 dogs and they kill the pigeons in my back yard.
My bird dog will point them and freeze them and the terrier will swoop in and kill them.
I didn't teach them this it is just natural pack instinct to work together.
Then they toss the body around all day like a play toy.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 08:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-12 12:58:49 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
do i really have to read this?
how about a +1 and you don't get all pissy?
===========
Haha, I don't get pissy, not since I was like 4 and incontinent.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-12 07:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
do i really have to read this?
how about a +1 and you don't get all pissy?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 07:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe it was wood pigeon I had. Not much to it. Not as lovely as swan. I think the cuter the animal (bunny, lamb, deer) the better they taste.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-12-12 07:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
City pigeons are scum. Wood pigeons are tasty.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 07:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's what you get with a fucking American dictionary I suppose.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-12 07:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
say it ain't so http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071211/ap_on_re_us/word_of_the_year
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you for that link. Almost as much as Nick Frost. Thank you.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=mancold
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All the girls started saying "do something! Do something!" so i took it to the dumpster around the corner and proceeded to smash its head on the edge in order to kill it quickly. Little did i know two little japanese girls were coming around the corner at that exact time and caught the whole brain-exploding glory of me annihilating a bird.
============
That's fucking awesome man. Well played.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We had a "recovery BBQ" for our end of semester college party so i started drinking at about 9am. We started getting pestered by seagulls so people started throwing beer bottles at them. I managed to nail one and break its wing so it started flapping around on the ground like a retard.
All the girls started saying "do something! Do something!" so i took it to the dumpster around the corner and proceeded to smash its head on the edge in order to kill it quickly. Little did i know two little japanese girls were coming around the corner at that exact time and caught the whole brain-exploding glory of me annihilating a bird.
Good times, but the hot chick i was after doesnt speak to me any more cos she's an animal rights nut.
I was devastated. I think i was pretty close to fucking her.
True story.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Attention all Uber-users (459 hits)
Category: None
Rating: -0.59 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V) (Label this item)
X
Labels:
Submitted by jimmy schmeltzy <mnwhrt_14.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-09 11:55:28 EST
This morning I was on my way to work and I shit my pants. I seriously thought that I was goin to make it but no right there in my girlfriends thong I shit my pants. I thought about what Bart would do in this situation and I just laughed and then I stuck my hand down there and pulled up a clump and threw it right on the window. Good idea Bart I am never doin that again. Then I pondered of the idea what Fingerbang would do, so yes being that he is a raging homosexual i stuck my thumb right up my anus. I dont understand how you can like that so much dude. Then came the mexicans i wondered what they would do in this tight little spot I was in. So I took off my pants and reached around and grabbed some shit and started workin my money right there in the front seat. Man you motha fuckin mexicans are dirty. The only thing good about you guys is your great work habits and you music. The music because it makes me think of the food you produce at suck low prices, you guys fuckin rule man. Keep crossin that illegal border dudes and keep makin them tacos and burritos. WETBACKS RULE!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok, me try it
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, oriface deathfuck is a little muddy to listen to. not exactly catchy tunes.
any idea how to send a song which is on CD by email?
============
They would benefit from better recording equipment, but that might detract from the overall charm of them.
You'll have to rip the CD before sending it, if it's a whole CD, I'd zip it and then use http://www.mailbigfile.com to send.
andylreid.at.gmail.com
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, oriface deathfuck is a little muddy to listen to. not exactly catchy tunes.
any idea how to send a song which is on CD by email?
i gots something for hurty he may just like.
--
It's long dissapointed me that we cant send Herpes over the internet.
Not that I have herpes to send you understand.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have liked to see 'a sack full of dead birds' written with the true meaning as the source.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no, i fucking hate the flying rats too.
my uncle has tonnes of racing pigeons and he flies them and every once in a while i bet on them.
won an equivalent of 10 quid once, for the CR that's a weeks wage...
not bad to eat, either.
oh, oriface deathfuck is a little muddy to listen to. not exactly catchy tunes.
any idea how to send a song which is on CD by email?
i gots something for hurty he may just like.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ate pidgeon once too. It was in a chinese restaurant, back in the days when they told you exactly what you were eating.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ate pigeon once. Not a scabby one from the streets with one leg and a crazy look in its eyes. At least, I hope not.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got to category:
Wait to pique the reader's interest, ass cruncher.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.s that was not a personal go at you czwij.
Unless of course you are a mac wearing pidgeon fanicer hahahahaha
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what about racing pigeons?
they vermin too?
you can make a tidy sum betting on them, if you know your pigeons, of course.
--
They are still flying, disease carrying vermin.
I mean who in their right mind would actually want to join a 'Club/Society' that called themselves 'Pidgeon Fanciers' Just makes me shiver, go and do something worthwhile with your time like playing with sharp blades in a freezer.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I get your point Feely, but I generally use arse when relating to female anatomy, and asshole as an insult.
czwij, you wear a flat cap, don't you?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 06:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what about racing pigeons?
they vermin too?
you can make a tidy sum betting on them, if you know your pigeons, of course.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 05:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My son chases the pigeons through town with the sole intent of kicking them. It is allowed.
My next post contains geese. I would post it now, but I don't want to overshadow yours, arsehole. (asshole is so American, you Yank)
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-12 05:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No one should have a problem with you exterminating the diseased vermin of the skies. fucking Pidgeons.
it makes you realise why they use geese to guard stuff, or at least they did.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 05:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 10:51:15 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
geese in chicago with a scot accent?
========
Actually at the time my accent was more of a bizarre Geordie/Yank hybrid. I'm terribly well travelled old chap.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-12 05:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
geese in chicago with a scot accent?
stalking you from your innocent years all the way to chicago.
wow.
SdeW.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-12 05:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, asshole.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-12 05:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped reading at 'Most vegetarians'.