A Memo to Human Resources from Mr. Jarvis "Jazzy" Johnston, the Pretty Fly for a Corporate Accounting Guy (846 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.63 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sally Walker (View user info) at 2007-12-13 03:33:26 EST
... In conclusion, Mr. Johnston, allow me the pleasure of being the first to welcome you to Greybrick Hill Asset Management! We hope you have found your new emloyee welcome packet helpful and informative. If you have any questions or if there is anything we can do to make you more comfortable in your new position, please don't hesitate to contact us in the Human Resources Department.
Excited to be your colleague,
Sanderson Jude
Vice President
Department of Human Resources
Greybrick Hill Asset Management
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***INTER-OFFICE MEMORANDUM***FROM: J. JOHNSTON DEPARTMENT: ACCOUNTING SUBJECT: POPAZOW!!!***
To my niggas in Human Resources:
What's-a-shakin' in the HR? I just received the company welcome packet via building messenger from ya'll niggas, and I appreciate you askin' me at the end of the cover letter that if there was anything ya'll could do for me to make me more comfy in my new posish... and for me not being all hesitatin'-like on the askin' or nothin'. Dat shit was tight, yo! And as a matter of fact, there be a few things that ya'll might be able to swing me so I could be a lil bit mo' content while I'm sittin' here in my cube slinging out the numeros.
First off, introdutions, B! No need to get all formal and call me Mr. Johnston and shit, or even Jarvis. Dat shit's fo' cons, dog! Call me Jazzy, or Jarvy, or even Jar; shit, just don't call me a jar-head, cause Jazzy is all about makin' the love and not the war; ya dig? Ha ha! Popazow!
Let me lay a little bit o' knowledge down on you peeps: Pump up the volume and you will pump out the productivity from your daddy Jazzy. That why I'll need a stereo installed underneath my desk pronto... IOW; PIMP MY DESK, YO! Did the Jazzy Jar ever tell you, by the way, what he does when he's not a-count-in? He din't? Oh, shit! Yo, I's a part-time DJ and I host a weekly party on Tuesday nights with bad-ass house plus a mad bass and drums room down at club Elmo. The mad house music goes on till 6... by the way, you bitches show your company ID's at the door on Tuesdays then you gonna be hooked up with half price well drinks and free jello shots all night long. Even you Barbara from payroll. Don't be shy, baby... I caught yo' cute little ass checking me out while I filled out my W-2. But don't worry about your papa Jarvy, Boss-man, he don't mix business wit' pleaure... ohhhh no! Owww!
By the way, As I see it here, Jazzy's gonna be wastin' all his personal days in the first month, cause every Wednesday is a personal day for Jazzy. That's when I recuperate after a long night of bringing down that mad house music to my people. I'll be needin' 48 more personal days from you annually. Oh, and far as Wednesday meetings go, Jazzy just won't be there. Ya dig?
Another thing HR; can I call you HR? Are we down? Jarvy couldn't help but notice that yo' I.T. Department put some kind of sick block from me accessin' my fan site. And I can't get to my MySpace account through my computer, neither. What the hizzy? You gotta stop with all these skeezy firewalls, yo. I got's to have access to my fans. Not to metion gettin' down with my my baby's mama Veronica or talkin' chit with my bro T-Bone up at at Solomon Smith. I's gots to keeps in the loop, dawg! Don't worry; It ain't gonna mess with jazzy's pro-dough, baby. When it come's to 'countin', jazzy is the bixni-bop-bixity-bay, baby!
Anyway, one'chal install my stereo I'll be pumpin' out house mixes all day for the whole office. Yo, when you hire Jazzy, you hire motivation! Betcha didn't even notice my resume mentioned "music" under "special interests"! You's all gonna notice now! BRING ON DA SPREADSHEETS! BRING ON DA HOUSE!
So I guess that's all I got for you now, but don't worry, I'll be keepin' chal updated if I be needing anything else, and of course I'll be keeping it real, dogs! I hope you will to. Let me know if any of you jokers wanna meet me down on the corner after work for happy hour. I'll be at a table in the back gettin' my Tanquerey on and chattin' up the ladies. Til then, peac out.
Yo' nigga,
JAZZEEEEEEE!!!
dept. of a-count-in' n shit
******END OF INTER-OFFICE MEMORANDUM******
User Reviews
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-23 08:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The hole - - - - > 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-12-22 15:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just don't call me a jar-head, cause Jazzy is all about makin' the love and not the war; ya dig? Ha ha! Popazow!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-22 13:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-16 11:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-15 21:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny. I know a lot of black people, and if you talked like that around them they would laugh your honky ass out of town.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-15 20:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay I read it.
Ha ha! Popazow!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-13 19:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY HAPPY 69!! I DIDN'T READ IT!! I WILL LATER, THOUGH!!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-13 17:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OHH HOLY CRAP I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT'S MY 69TH POST....
MMMMMMM 69.... MY FAVORITE NUMBER OF TIMES TO POST ON UBERSITE
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am going to work popazow into a conversation before I go to bed tonight.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-12-13 13:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still laughing, GJ
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-13 12:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-13 12:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
peac out
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-13 10:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Owww!"
I imagined James Brown saying this part, it was great.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My Nigga.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
More people like Jazzy should be hired. They make the work day interesting.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
people like that actually get hired.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-13 09:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just don't call me a jar-head, cause Jazzy is all about makin' the love and not the war; ya dig? Ha ha! Popazow!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-13 07:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, but it's been done literally to death by the Onion: http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/kornfeld
Kornfeld, last I heard, is dead.
I'm not going to hold this against you because, really, who cares. If it was another Kornfeld article under his name it would be just as good.
Jim Anchower's thing on the Onion is also pretty rad.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont know what im asking, you talked first.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-13 04:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAre you in the HR trade berty? You do know selling small african children is not really part of human resources.
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I don't work for a recruitment agency if that's what you're asking.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-13 05:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if I would have +2ed this if I didn't read it as an Aqua Teen character voiced by MC Chris in my head.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-13 04:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAre you in the HR trade berty? You do know selling small african children is not really part of human resources.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-13 04:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That'd be what we in the HR trade would refer to as a 'poor start'.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-13 04:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I may claim this post as my own.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-13 03:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Old Jack Johnstone...............wasting time again. Him and whatsherface were better off together.
MMmmmm MMMmmmm Mmmmmm,,I believe in memories, They look so, so pretty when I sleep, Hey now, and when I wake up, You look so pretty sleeping next to me.