Sauna Trauma (1267 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 0.71 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (View user info) at 2007-12-13 14:25:02 EST
I love the gym where I work out. It's big, modern, very close to my place and the crowd is classy.
Sure the majority of the male crowd consists of homosexuals (OMG, I'M A FAG!), but it's better than blue collar fat fucks who call themselves "powerlifters", which tend to drive away the female clientele. It makes those same women more talkative and social than in most gyms where they just stare in front of them to avoid eye contact by some potential rapist named Roger. Picture a mid-40 beer bellied snowplow driver with a Peter Selleck mustache sweating tremendously.
But I did have a very unpleasant experience.
I went in the sauna to relax the other night. I was face with a very emancipated sixty years old fag.
His exposed bushy crotch was the first thing my eyes were assaulted with when I opened the door. His tiny retracted penis looked like a large clitoris. The pubic fat closing around it acted as some sort of labia.
It's as if this prick sat in front of the door with no towel with his legs spreaded open on purpose so that his alien genatalia would forever stain the memory of anyone caught venturing inside.
It was rather disgusting to be forced to sit next to that thing but what the hell, I needed to relax and I put a towel over my head anyway. I gave him a quick look of comtempt and disgust.
Bad idea.
His skin had bizarre large purple patches, as if he was mutating into the mcdonald thing called Grimace. Worse, he had large tumor-like protuberances on his belly, like a humpback whale but with long sporadic body hairs. And the fucker was squeezing his clitordick!!!
I quickly hid under my towel, trying to stay as far as I could from this organic anomaly.
But he wasn't done raping my senses. Keep in my mind that at this point, I had been in the sauna for about 10 seconds.
I noticed a strange smell. It was like a mix of broccoli and formol. I don't know if cadavers can sweat but that's probably how they'd smell if they could. On a related note, a similar smell tend to emanate from redhair people.
While my mind was picturing all the particules from his balls sweat travelling into my respiratory system and his ass acarians climbing onto me, he started making weird bestial snorting sounds.
Those 20 seconds were enough for me.
As I stormed outside the sauna, he farted softly through his dilated anus and he grunted in relief like a paedo climaxing into a boy's ass.
I took the longest shower of my life that night.
(Image below summarizes my experience)
User Reviews
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-01-08 16:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Filename.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-12-17 12:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-12-13 13:57:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck, thanks for ruining my lunch.
------------------
I'm eating a Hot Pocket right now!
Check that...WAS eating a Hot Pocket.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-16 16:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Story = good
Image = revolting
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-14 23:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
TABAR----BLARRRFF
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-12-14 17:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The imagery you convey is really quite terrible. Nice job with the english language, there.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I read some article that says scientists discovered that during childhood, and during frightening events, our brains file away extra memories for future reference.
Perhaps you were so traumatized your brain filed away extra details.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was very descriptive. How did you file all those details away?
===
well i looked at him twice. everybody has photographic memory.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was very descriptive. How did you file all those details away?
That picture is so rotten. Why, why, why?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-14 10:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-13 20:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture lokks exactly like the danish I had for breakfast. . .
P.S. Caulaincourt writes MUCH better English than ANY of you morons write French, so stfu.
He's allowed a few fuckups, and he is very gracious about accepting help. Many of you could take a lesson from our French-Canadian friend.
===
it's basic manners to speak the language of the majority, in this case ubersite being an english-speaking website.
so no, i don't mind comments on my english.
we frog-canucks understand how annoying it is to have someone come into your environment and expect to be accomodated in his language.
for instance, yesterday night at the gym, there was an anglo tourist and he started barking in english at a bunch of kids, asking them if they were done with some equipment. they actually tried to answer him in really bad english. the guy couldn't figure out what they were saying so he turned around shaking his head, looking irritated. That, however, REALLY pisses me off because first, he should be the one speaking in mangled french and second, if he doesn't have the decency to try, he should AT THE VERY LEAST appreciate people's effort to accomodate his lazy ass.
/bitching
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-14 09:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is gross
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-12-14 08:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My only suggestion for the eyeball assault is to claw them out and rinse them in bleach. Repress those images in your mind so they only bother you at 315am when you wake up screaming.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-12-14 04:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
That's a nasty picture. I've seen worse though.
On an unrelated note, I'm listening to a song that makes my nipples hard.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-14 03:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to a sauna once, a gay sauna, boy was that a mistaka to maka.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-12-14 01:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There you go. From .57 to .62. You're fuckin welcome.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-12-14 01:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why I'm plus 2ing this. I mean, it was hilarious and all. But this is going to have very little affect on the overall rating at this point, so it's not like it would draw more people to read it (which is sort of the point, innit?) Hopefully seeing that I have reviewed it will draw the masses in.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-12-13 21:55:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
your english is fine, if this is the extent of your intended use of it. you only have some minor things that are 'troublesome', but even those are fine - theyre perfectly understandable so its not s real problem. i guess the only one that grates with me at all is your use of '(x) years old'. if youve got an "a" before that phrase, as in "He's a (x) year(s) old" - drop the "s" off 'years':
"I saw this kid who was a 16 year old emo douchebag."
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-13 20:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture lokks exactly like the danish I had for breakfast. . .
P.S. Caulaincourt writes MUCH better English than ANY of you morons write French, so stfu.
He's allowed a few fuckups, and he is very gracious about accepting help. Many of you could take a lesson from our French-Canadian friend.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-13 17:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DIDN'T READ IT!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-13 17:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the gym i work out at when im at home is the community fitness center, and many of the people who work out there are geezers. theyre always naked. always. i just keep my eyes on the floor or act like im fucking with my ipod while im walking through there. i really hope i dont have that splotchy skin when im all rickety and shit.
i also like your english. i think it adds something to the post that it wouldnt have if everything was grammatically perfect.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mutating into the mcdonald thing called Grimace.
---------------
HAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i guess it could be worse...
you could have been born with short eyes
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
EW WHAT THE FUCK.
I was on board up until that picture. That shit's as bad as cob77.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So, something like: "stop searching our ships for deserters, stop pressing our sailors and burning our capital, and for the love of Mike, spell Pedophile right. Love, James Monroe"
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This made me cry, then vomit.
Your English is acceptable, Caul. You're fluent and that's all that counts.
I happen to like your quirky English. I read your posts with a French accent in my mind. It makes them all that more amusing.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ah.
i thought the war was causal to the change of spelling.
i pictured an alinea in the peace treaty between the US and G-B mentionning how paedos should be designated from then on.
what great discussions we have on ubersite.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It WOULD explain why Bonaparte was disowned by the Pope, though. I mean, who would know more about paederism?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I doubt it was the outcome or at all related, unless the spelling of "paederast" was one of Boney's beefs with Britain. It simply was the proper spelling at that time.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Paedo" is proper, or at least was as of the war of 1812.
===
wtf?
could you elaborate on how changing the spelling of pedo became an outcome of a war?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Paederism was a hangable offence in the British Navy circa Loony George, by the way. Of course, so were most other things.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Paedo" is proper, or at least was as of the war of 1812. I personal prefer the term "paederast" to "pedophile".
I thought "emancipated" was accurate given its context. I would also say that your occasional use of French is appropriate given your background. It sounds idiotic spewed from Saltine American writers; especially when they put it in italics. The local paederast is just upset because he has trouble working in words larger than, say, "rabbit", without breaking a sweat.
There, I'm happy now.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so heave means gagging, eh?
i learn a lot of things today.
i thought heave was for foremen screaming at slaves: HEAVE! HEAVE!
at least, that's the only time i heard it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm impressed that you used the ye olde spelling of paedo.
===
interesting. i thought it was the proper spelling.
pédo ftw!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus christ that picture makes me want to heave.
I go to an all womens gym, and i'm still not used to other women walking around naked.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm impressed that you used the ye olde spelling of paedo.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
emancipated: [adj] free from traditional social restraints;
in this case, not exposing your disgusting crotch to unsuspecting sauna attendees.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
acarians (????)
===
apparently, you call them dust mites. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_dust_mite
those tiny things that are constantly all over the place, on us, in our mattresses, on food, etc...
dust is bascially acarian excrement.
thanks for the corrections.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Emancipated works if he used it to describe the man being free from clothes, but it is an awkward choice nonetheless.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
towels should be mandatory.
I was in the locker room of the gym on a cruise ship and there was a black guy roaming around sans-towel.
he was like a fucking tripod, slapping up against the sink and doorways. He's fixing his hair and shaving and talking to some other guy.
WTF, dude cover that shit up.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucker, you made me laugh.
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you meant emaciated instead of emancipated.
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No, they were indeed freed from servitude.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are foul, and this picture made me dry heave.
That's too bad. A beautiful Latin woman stripped down to her lacy, nude-colored lingerie in front of me in a steam room in Austin last week.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you meant emaciated instead of emancipated.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It makes those same women more talkative and social than (awkward, "unlike" would work better) in most gyms where they just stare in front of them to avoid eye contact by some potential rapist named Roger (this did make me laugh though).
I was face (faced) with a very emancipated sixty years (year) old fag.
It's as if this prick sat in front of the door with no towel (,) with his legs spreaded (spread) open on purpose so that his alien genatalia (genitalia) would forever stain the memory of anyone caught venturing inside.
I gave him a quick look of comtempt (contempt) and disgust.
I noticed a strange smell. It was like a mix of broccoli and formol (I don't know what formol is, but perhaps you meant formaldehyde given your next sentence). On a related note, a similar smell tend (tends) to emanate from redhair (red-haired) people.
While my mind was picturing all the particules (particles?) from his balls (ball) sweat travelling (traveling) into my respiratory system and his ass acarians (????) climbing onto me, he started making weird bestial snorting sounds.
As I stormed outside the sauna, he farted softly through his dilated anus and he grunted in relief like a paedo climaxing into a boy's ass. (this was just pure funny)
Never ask me for anything ever again, unless you have some bargaining chips.
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think deadtoast got miffed after i posted the link to his little blowup, haven't seen him since
he might be 15 or something
-------
I've been in a meeting since 12 EST.
Now I'm getting ready to go home.
To vomit...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sitting in the sauna with your hairy ass and balls hanging out is fucking disgusting, although when I do it around the office, it doesn't seem quite so bad.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I yelled at an old man for sitting in the sauna naked at my gym. I wasn't going to yell at him at all, but he decided to make that disgusting noise with his throat and then spit a giant wad of phlegm on the floor, at which point I called him a fat lemonparty cocksucker and I turned up the steam really high so he would pass out and perhaps die, but he just called me some unintelligible name and left instead.
I dont understand why these disgusting people feel the need to walk around the locker room butt naked all the time, blow drying their hair, shaving, etc. Would it kill you to put a towel on, or some underwear, or SOMETHING???
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that was disgusting.
thanks.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what part of the body is in that pic?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your english isn't awful, but you use certain synonyms and words that people who speak english as their first language wouldn't think of using in that situation. I think it adds a deeper level of thought, I don't mind the words. Nothing too out of place.
Stuff like "formol, anomaly, acarian, bestial" "spreaded open" - should be just spread open
That picture is vile.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Listening to Jethro Tull somehow made seeing that picture easier.
You could have done with an Aqualung.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WAAAAAHHHH~! Make that picture STOP!
*sobs, head in hands* I shut my eyes but I can still see it!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you could at least give me some pointers...conjugaisons? punctuation? verb tense? ortograph? etc...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 15:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I'm not going to pick this apart for you, so just suffice it to say that your English sucked. And yes, it's still probably better than mine.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Were Tom Selleck and Peter Sellers somehow meshed together in your mind to form some sort of mustached mutant?
===
lol, yes, i merged their names.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been a bit better if your English was brushed up just a tad. I know, I know...but I'm not being an ass if it helps. That was a genuine reflection.
===
i actually welcome comments on my english, but most of the time people just say it sucks and don't leave any details on why it sucks.
p.s. my english > yours :-D
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Who the fuck is Peter Selleck? Were Tom Selleck and Peter Sellers somehow meshed together in your mind to form some sort of mustached mutant? Do tell.
Public saunas are wrong. I agree with skrappy again. Damn.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck, thanks for ruining my lunch.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think deadtoast got miffed after i posted the link to his little blowup, haven't seen him since
he might be 15 or something
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good title...bad post...worse picture.
THANKS!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Never ever ever enter a public sauna. Human soup is bad for you. Baaaaad.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i was going to ask why this wasn't titled as 'uber - causerie blah blah whatever'
that picture...gah
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been a bit better if your English was brushed up just a tad. I know, I know...but I'm not being an ass if it helps. That was a genuine reflection.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
here let me help
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't read this but that picture almost made me vomit.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i literally wretched at the picture
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-13 14:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i should've filed this under my uber-causerie series.
oh well.