My job SFW (this is really long cuz i'm just a fucking blabber mouth) (1989 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.72 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by katy (View user info) at 2007-12-14 12:11:09 EST
There comes a time in every person's life when they get sick of doing the same thing every week. Or maybe not really everyone. I guess it depends what you're doing. I've had this job now about two and a half years. I don't think I've gotten quite sick of the material yet, but I definitely see sex and nudity in a whole new light.
For anyone who's reading this and doesn't know (and I don't understand how you couldn't at this point) I work for a porn magazine. Not selling porn magazines, I work for the magazine itself. We're considered "top shelf" smut. We don't have the fame of Hustler or Playboy. We don't tout ourselves as a much of a first amendment type magazine, or in the case of Playboy, high class coffee table decoration. Seriously. I'm not saying these mags are failures in the porn industry, and I won't put our book on their level. I like reading Hustler and Playboy, strangely informative, entertaining and there's naked people and art. But we're top class for straight sex. No ultra hardcore (double penetration of anything handy), don't do fetishes, don't do anal but I hear we're going to, and we still don't do cum shots because it prevents us from selling the magazine in some states.
So beyond all that I have a normal job. I do the shipping, invoicing, set logs, scans, I've written blurbs, I file, make coffee, get coffee, do data entry and try to avoid my boss's insanity induced rage at everything that doesn't immediately go right and by right I mean her way. Recently I've been told I have to create a myspace page, something I know exactly jack shit about. Our office is a normal office, we don't have porn and naked people up everywhere. In fact there's just one poster of Janine and she's fully clothed standing in front of a Ferrari. I'm not sure why it's up but it's up. We are in a nice old building with nice normal neighbors. Ironically we have two licensed family and marriage counselors in our building. I want to leave them marital improvement tools but I've been told I'll be fired.
Our American staff is made up of 8 women, and I just found out this morning we are currently or were at some point in all of our lives, Catholic. Every now and then I even have the urge to go to church but fear of spontaneous combustion quickly rules against that idea. Our English counterpart is also mostly women, as well as one Canadian who is also a woman. This was a total accident, we used to have men working here, they left or got let go. I do not consider this gender ratio a blow for or against feminism. I hate feminists.
People have varying reactions when they find out what I do. Recently in an art class we had a snotty model who basically listed every stereotype you could about strippers and porn stars and then she went on about transexuals vs transvestites and was wrong on those counts as well. I wasn't the only one that corrected her and I wasn't the only one that thought she was being an annoying dick. Most guys my age are like "WOW TAHT IS SO AWSUM CAN I AHVE SOM!!!" I comply. Some are nicer about it, I don't mind giving out stuff that I'll eventually have to shred or throw out. The women are mixed reaction. I'd say about half are like wow that's awesome and then the rest are evenly divided up between that's digusting and that's interesting but not exciting. Some guys are completely disgusting about it. Cuz I mean if a woman has ANY sex or works with sex that must mean she'll absolutely fuck you no matter how pathetic, stupid, smelly, drunk, obnoxious or ugly you are. She's a slut, she must put out for everyone ever. No. And despite what you think, even with your income, you can't afford her at your private party because you're being a prick and sadly for you, personality counts. It is after all a business transaction.
Some of the readers are pretty interesting. We had one guy offer his skills as a talent scout. Basically a guy that just wanted to say get naked for me maybe I can get you a job. We have the foot fetish guy. Every issue he cuts and pastes letters together about how great feet are and how much he'd like to see them and talks about bare toes. I read one letter once and my boss told me they're all like that. I wonder what it takes to be so dedicated to a fetish to do that every issue a month for YEARS. I wonder if otherwise he's normal and if his normal life knows about his obsession.
We have gotten letters from christians telling us how horrible and evil we are. These are generally cowards who go off on all manner of insults and judgments (fuck that golden rule shit). I say they're cowards because at least when I intend to insult someone or instill a sense of morality by writing in I'd put my name on the letter. If they are your convictions, say so. Even Jesus would be pissed at you for denying that.
Rarely, we have men who will come in wanting to meet my boss or see what it's really all about. A couple weeks ago we had a guy come in and ask if we're hiring. Last week we had a "future local businessman" come in and say he was curious as to what he did. This freaks us out. Please don't stop by. If you want to see us, go to the AVN show.
There's also the couriers that come in. Now I'm not sure what this falls under because I work where I do, but leering at me is not a nice thing to do. Stop that as well. Most of them are nice, it's the temporary ones that. When I first started we were getting packages from DHL. One of the drivers was a temp driver and every day he had a delivery he would come in and leer at me and ask questions. I'm ok with this, people are curious. When you start asking questions about my underwear though it just makes me want to stab you in the eye with my box cutter.
To anyone who thinks of visiting your local porn magazine or any sex merchandise distributors: it's not cute, sexy, intriguing or flattering to leer at someone and ask personal questions. I thank god I don't have forensic girl's old job. Men, you really really really are mostly immature. Don't complain when women bitch about this, because more often than not they've had experience that when it involves a peepee, you get stupid. People, all people, weigh the odds of things happening again based on past experiences. Most of you are dumb when there's sex involved, dumber than women, face it.
So now I come to the point where I guess I'll impart my shitty bits of wisdom I've gained from working here. If you've made it this far, congratulations, you have a much longer attention span than me. I've actually been doing work between paragraphs.
Porn bloopers are awesome. If you can't laugh about your own sex life though I doubt you're going to find these any entertaining. Suze Randall put some in hers, and some of the bigger productions will have them attached. I like movie bloopers so I like porn bloopers. And since I do as part of the job have to watch porrn without being able to do a damn thing about it, it gives me something to enjoy. There are few things funnier than the look on a girl's face when she gets popped in the eye with a penis. Or when a man falls off a dock mid thrust, when a prop breaks, or when those stripper shoes have finally got the best of her and she topples over and just barely catches herself on the edge of the bed before ending up legs in the air on the ground. Seriously, watch them, they're great.
The photos are still art. You'd be absolutely amazed how much more difficult it is to shoot porn than a regular photo set. You'd also be aboslutely amazed at how much more is done with lighting and make up than photoshop. Most of these photographers have art photos on the side, or the porn is their side bit. It actually takes talent to make something so commonplace as sex a turn on. This is not to say that sex is boring, but watching strangers fuck can be. Everything in America gets bigger/better/faster/taller whatever, porn isn't immune to this. They have to outdo themselves or sink. Same with the girls. Reinventing sex is difficult.
Although I'm sure this one is definitely do to overexposure on my part, when you watch people have sex for too long you start focusing in other details. I start picking out which bits of outfits I like (they shop at normal stores you know). Your eyes wander around the set looking at the furniture, the layout, the accessories. I like looking at the eye make up and I'm a total shoe whore so those too. Digital sets are great now because lots of times I can just zoom in real far and see the lines of make up and stuff, it's weird.
When you've worked your way around the set you eventually come back to the performers. The O faces are also hilarious. There are a few people I can think of off the bat. Jesse Jane for example, snarls as her O face, a lot. Jean Val Jean looks like he got something cold put on his balls. Jerry looks like he's in pain. My fave girl, Lanny Barby, has a tendency to hiss which I HATE. But it's not like you need sound anyway if you're just supposed to be watching to make sure it plays all the way through. This makes me wonder how stupid I look in the sack. To quote a Kevin Smith movie "God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus." Absolute truth.
Then there is the other thing which happens when you're exposed to something too often. You know when you say a word over and over it sounds weird? I'm not quite sure if it's called cognitive dissonance but it might be. That happens with naked people. When I stare at naked people over and over I start overanalyzing odd bits about them. Such as the skin on nutsacks (no really) and what exactly a cunt is made of. Separating things into fleshy wet tubes is kind of weird. Boobs are sacks of fat. And I know, other people say this too. They're nothing. Just bits of meat wrapped in skin.
I guess it kind of helps me with figure drawing. I can see a hand for a hand even if it's wrapped around a cock. Fingers are still just fingers no matter how deep in the shocker pose they are. I notice proportions of faces a lot since make up heavily emphasises things like eyes and lips. An ass is just an ass, tits are tits and cocks are cocks.
The one thing I will say genuinely still surprises me a little are pussies. There's so much more variety in them than any other part of the human body, either gender. Cocks come in many shapes and sizes sure, so do tits, but all are more similar than one pussy is or can be to another. It's somehow stranger to me when I know whatever girl is currently getting reamed is also a mother. I don't have less respect for her (and I have more than most people) but it's so odd to me to think cock in, baby out. Wait what? I wonder if this will get flagged by some child protection agency because of that.
It helps me see a little more where people come from with rude comments about genitalia. Everyone's naughty bits look funny but I know why they're attractive, and not just because they offer the chance at orgasm.
I'll wrap it up now, I'm sure very few of you care about my mental meanderings but I hope it presented some insight into the porn world, assuming any wanted any which I doubt. Porn is not degrading, unless that's the point of the fetish. It's getting paid for something all of us do anyway. Even 2 girls 1 cup though I find that disgusting. But hey, to two or more consenting adults I say: whatever gets you off. However, I think I should get a new job.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-12 15:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the fuck is Inion??
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-02-25 10:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are u katie smith?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who in the industry now compares at all
with LJ Holmes. now THAT was a penis.
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ramon, he's commonly seen in monster cock, bang bros productions. he doesn't have the character comparison to john holmes though. i don't think anyone will.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-18 03:44:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-18 08:14:46 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting to note.
why would you burn in a church?
is the catholic faith so up their ass that sex in this day and age is considered a sin?
what has religion to do with porn? like, so what?
sex is evil? you will burn in hell for it?
christ, 37 years and i still fail to understand american extremism.
no one else on the planet does this, as far as i know.
interesting post.
also, how come the mandatory show me your hole never came up from the standard individuals, considering the content?
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So long as you go to confession you will be fine. woo hoo I can do anything and get to heaven! woot woot
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-18 03:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting to note.
why would you burn in a church?
is the catholic faith so up their ass that sex in this day and age is considered a sin?
what has religion to do with porn? like, so what?
sex is evil? you will burn in hell for it?
christ, 37 years and i still fail to understand american extremism.
no one else on the planet does this, as far as i know.
interesting post.
also, how come the mandatory show me your hole never came up from the standard individuals, considering the content?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-17 10:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to rate.
This was interesting simply because of what business you are in.
I think anyone who says they have no interest in this, or aren't curious about it are lying.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-17 10:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2007-12-14 17:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On an unrelated note, would anyone by chance know the uper extent that a clit can be when erect? Because I saw a video and it seroiusly looked about 2-3 inches long, almost a small dick if you would.
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Big clit fetish porn freaks me out.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-17 09:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true, Bob Dole. You've got to.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-12-17 01:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great board meeting. "Folks, how do you all feel about doing anal? In the coming year, I mean. Um, I mean adding it to the magazine. Actually...Denise? Stacey? I'd like to hear your answers to my first question privately in my office later."
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Gotta love the O-MAN!!!!!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-16 11:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-16 10:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Check out the Fashionistas blooper reel. It's on the Special Features disk.
Heh...I said "bloop". And I teabagged you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-16 02:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'll be sure to file that in the "Opinions I Don't Give A Fuck About" folder right away, Bubba.
thanks for stopping by.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-15 07:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this was a long and rambling road to nowhere of a post.
not that there's anything wrong with that, i guess.
___________
I've read Katy posts before, Scrounge, and you're no Katy.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-12-15 01:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was a good drum break.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-14 23:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NEXT, ON 60 MINUTES, ANDY ROONEY WITH AN AMUSING LOOK AT WHISK BROOMS
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-14 22:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, you DID get my letters!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2007-12-14 17:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm slightly more interested in what the men would want, besides magazines.
i can't think of many toys that most men would want and all you need now to get porn is limewire or a valid e-mail address. I suppose that some guys might want that fleshlight thing, but even that wouldn't seem to be too appealing.
On an unrelated note, would anyone by chance know the uper extent that a clit can be when erect? Because I saw a video and it seroiusly looked about 2-3 inches long, almost a small dick if you would.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-12-14 16:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting read, Katy.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-12-14 20:17:39 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was actually very interesting.
To be honest, I've been completely desensitized. My generation is the first to grow up with porn on-demand.
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This is true, when I was Ax's age all I had to go on was shredded sodden porn-in-a-bush and The Sun
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was too fucking long to keep my interest, but do "office hummers" fit in anywhere between "the shipping, invoicing, set logs, scans, I've written blurbs, I file, make coffee, get coffee, do data entry...???
If not, what kind of job is that?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely nicely. I also need a new job, though mine has exactly fuck-all to do with porn.
haha, i made a funny.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was actually very interesting.
To be honest, I've been completely desensitized. My generation is the first to grow up with porn on-demand. It's gotten to the point that a kid might be making a presentation in class on a laptop, and the teacher isn't even really fazed by the fact that eleven bangbros movies are under his recent files. It's completely ubiquitious, and is actually starting to be more about humor than sex. Take the new local hero, OG Mudbone from http://www.freaksofcock.com
O! G! MUDBONE!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113751#2605679
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber is like a great scavenger hunt... we're all trying to find the post that everyone else is on.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see YOUR "Oh Face".
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice read.
It's like listening to me describe my job, but with more cock and pussy.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually had not realized you work in porn. So that was informative. Also, I don't think you have to be subjected to things every day before you start noticing weird quirks. Just shows you're a great observer. I love the fact that there are porn bloopers. They could regalvanize those tv blooper shows by including the ones from porn. Far more interesting. Of course, the entire screen would be fuzzy because of the dickless wonders known as censors.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
forgot my ques mark.
i really do want the answer.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who in the industry now compares at all
with LJ Holmes. now THAT was a penis.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting read, thanks. I'll cancel that trip I had planned to the local porn publisher.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-12-14 14:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't like audrey hollander and i like redheads. and i HATE HATE HATE the way she gives blow jobs. she drools more than a bulldog lapping at a garden hose.
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Normally I don't rate comments, but this one was better than anything else you have ever written.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
there are some apparently learned comments below.
It's enlightening
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't like audrey hollander and i like redheads. and i HATE HATE HATE the way she gives blow jobs. she drools more than a bulldog lapping at a garden hose.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But did she ever insert raw meat into herself??? A corn cob?? A plastic Barbie-ish doll?
HMM??
Not saying Sylvia Saint did, BUT SOMEONE DID.
Sylvia Saint also accomplished a lot with one look . She only has one look. It's that bored, stoic look of The Hun that you often see on the faces of the wives of men who decide to open German restaurants despite the fact that they're not German, and work up big ol' beer bellies and sport bushy mustaches and shave their heads and learn how to play the tuba. With that look she had to express interest, coyness, arousal, pain, humiliation, confidence, pleasure, an approaching O, an O, post-O bliss, shock over the decision to bust a double insertion, joy at double insertion, pride, sloth, anger, villainy, heroism, valor, indigestion, fealty, depression, loss and whimsy.
Audrey Hollander has a full range of facial expressions to help the audience know just what she's feeling when her husband/co-star removes the handle of the cricket paddle from her rear and spits in the hole.
Sylvia is basically Zoolander. Blue Steel wins the day.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got video of me shatting in saccy's mouth...first person to offer me more than .75 cents gets it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Depends on your meaning of whore below. Because in both sexual act and Ridiculousness Factor- Audrey Hollander might have her beat- even if her pervy looking husband has to be in every scene.
She's had sex with fried chicken and baseball bats, for starters.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sylvia Saint may be the biggest whore ever. Bless her and her "dress me up in camo and pose me nude in front of tanks/rockets/cripples/war widows and have me wear bandanas and hold guns and take in square in the a for the better part of three hours I'll do anything suspend me in the air make me do a sci-fi scene hell I'll wear a nun's habit and rim a basketball team" heart.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I lived with boys, one of them used to buy your magazine, pretty much exclusively. While I'm not one to buy them, I used to enjoy it above any others that would magically appear in the house. The first time I ever saw Silvia Saint was there, and it included a line that said she had "a face so pretty, it makes sub-editors weep with joy." Then I saw some of her work and just..wow.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting and informative. Can't believe I read all of that.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny how you need to put SFW in the title of a post about your job. You're probably the only person who posts here that would need to do that.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this was a long and rambling road to nowhere of a post.
not that there's anything wrong with that, i guess.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-12-14 13:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I was actually wondering if they made porn blooper reels last night.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Informative yet LOLIGRAPHIC
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was long, but it was good. I read it really fast, in a voice that I imagnie to be yours. Because, in my head, you're the type of girl that talks fast.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That last-but-two paragraph is spot on.
Once i'm done (so to speak), I enjoy continuing to watch porn or whatever, as it takes on a whole new meaning once there's no urge to fwap anymore. I guess that's what you get when you're over exposed, too.
In short, vag = fab.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you're able to confirm that a percentage of asian women have horizontal boxes.
What a fascinating world we live in.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this. Do you guys send emails out to your clique so that when you post it can into a social gathering? Just curious. Also, I'm due for porn. Shay has great tits.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
File name
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
box cutter.
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Is that your noonie - but filled with razors?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She's a slut, she must put out for everyone ever."
I don't think this is necessarily what men think about women who work with/in the porn industry.
It's what men think about women. Period.
Obviously.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like how u describe your employer's product
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
o-k
Jean val Jean is a stupid stupid name
This was rather bizarre. I'm not sure if it actually went anyway Noonie.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thighspace.com should be the porn industry's online community alternative to MySpace.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great board meeting. "Folks, how do you all feel about doing anal? In the coming year, I mean. Um, I mean adding it to the magazine. Actually...Denise? Stacey? I'd like to hear your answers to my first question privately in my office later."