Ubermas 2007: All I want for Christmas is Herpes at a Very Yong Age (647 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lostnphound (View user info) at 2007-12-18 16:04:29 EST
I never got what I wanted for Christmas. Every year I'd write my list up for Santa, place it in the fireplace, and wait for the wind to snatch it and take it to the North Pole. Obviously, being 25 years old now, I've know for about a year that this isn't actually what happens to Christmas lists. But then again, I just shit my pants the other day....again...so I've still got a lot of growing to do.
Each year I'd open my presents from Santa last hoping he heeded my list of wants. This was not to be. I began to lose faith in Santa's ability to produce what I required. Were the items on my list impossible to retrieve? Were Santa's boychild lovin' elves not capable of manufacturing the goods that I so desire? Perhaps. And perhaps Santa is just a set of slothfuck, heartless parental units determined to keep their beloved from happiness. My money is on the latter.
The principle request on my list when I was five was a Jeep Power Wheel. Remember those? 0-2mph in 6 seconds. They had the Barbie convertible and the Jeep. I was tired of trolling for hoes in my Spiderman Big Wheel. It's easy to be deterred by a five year old in a one seater, manually powered Big Wheel. I would be unstoppable in my spacious Jeep Power Wheel.
I know, I know. What five year old boy goes, "trolling for hoes"? Aren't we still in the girls and boys have cooties phase at that age. There's forethought applied there. I knew I only had six to seven years (or so) before I had the divine gift of ejaculation that in turn causes bastard children to develop in the tummies of my wanton sex Goddesses. I think Shlongy would agree that time was of the essence. Gotta use that joystick before it becomes a real loaded weapon.
Nevertheless, my Power Wheel never arrived, splendidly wrapped under the Christmas tree and I found myself succumbing to profuse amounts of hand to man time. I still ask for the Power Wheel. I'm not sure why. A fat man riding around in a Jeep Power Wheel isn't exactly going to have me fighting off womenz with a stick. But then again maybe the "fat" part is the real problem. Damn...
Now I all I want for Christmas is to be a rock star so I can destroy hotel rooms and do drugs. Cocaine has always been my favorite smell.
User Reviews
Submitted by greeneyedgrl (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-19 19:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-19 13:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hate Christmas.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-19 05:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This isn't drivel, but it's close. Your use of language is not repulsive, the ideas behind your words are distressing and saddening. Overall a fine comment on the nihilistic horror that is the festive season, but not so good as to make me run for US presidential office purely so I can give you a framed photograph of you shaking the presidents hand on a job well done.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-12-18 22:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-18 22:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the title reminds me of something:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71104
i liked this post.
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Thanks.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-18 22:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the title reminds me of something:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71104
i liked this post.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-12-18 20:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cocaine's a helluva drug.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I missed a ton of my typos. Fuck me in the face!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played sir.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-12-18 17:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to work in a hardware store where they sold those Power Wheels during Christmastime. Once this really drunk guy came in and bought three of them, like $160 each, for his kids. He had cashed his paycheck at the bodega across the street and was blowing it all on these three plastic pieces of shit that his kids would forget about in a month. Sad.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And to be able to spell in my titles.