The Shatner/Lennon Incident (1022 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: a_load_of_shat
Rating: 1.57 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-12-18 16:15:28 EST
(I'm not sure if I'll be posting again before the end of the year. If not, Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas and Yuletide Greetings and fuck all those other bogus holidays.)
The Shatner/Sagan Incident http://www.ubersite.com/m/109488
The Shatner/West Incident http://www.ubersite.com/m/113200
The Shatner/Lennon Incident
New York City
May, 1972
When William Shatner walked out on stage and first laid eyes on Dick Cavett, he knew the man was an ass bandit. He has to be, Shatner thought. I mean, look at him.
Shatner was following Gene Roddenberry's advice, which was simply push The Show. The Show may not be dead. And to push The Show, he had to take every abominable booking his agent could find.
He had done TV movies. He had done cheesy horror flicks. He had done dinner theater. Jesus, dinner theater! What was next, performance art? Would he soon be getting up on a stage, dousing his scrotum in lighter fluid and asking anyone in the audience if they had a light? Christ!
He had done talk shows, a lot of them, national and regional. He wanted to do Carson, of course, but getting on the Tonight Show was like banging Jacqueline Bisset bent over a chair. You could dream about it all night long but it wasn't going to happen unless you got really, really lucky.
And so here he was in New York, preparing to tape the Dick Cavett Show.
Shatner thought there was something creepily fey about Cavett, and he hoped that Dick didn't put a moist and limp little hand on Shatner's knee or anything like that.
Cause I'd knock his fucking block off, Shatner thought. Hey, I've been through the swinging sixties. I'm no Puritan.
In the privacy of his own home Shatner had done three women at once, stoned out of his fucking gourd on some kind of freaky mushrooms, tonguing and fingering and ramming away like there was no tomorrow while feeling like his brain was being slowly unscrewed from the top of his spine, and he had no problem with fags or fetishists or Catholics as long as they kept that shit indoors.
Now here he was, stepping out from behind a curtain and walking toward the stage and chairs where Cavett had been chatting with John Lennon and Lennon's spooky wife Yoko Ono. The majority of the audience was young adults, fans of Lennon's, and they simply stared at Shatner as he walked to his chair and sat down.
While Shatner had been backstage looking for a glass of scotch and shaking his head at offers of coffee, what the fuck was happening in New York anyway, coffee instead of a drink, he could hear the audience go apeshit every time Lennon opened his mouth. And having heard what Lennon had to say lately, he thought these young people were easily amused.
He had liked the Beatles in the sixties. Hell, he still liked the Beatles, but ever since Lennon met that sinewy Jap broad the man had been devolving into a grunting screaming rambling pothead who seemed to see himself as a revolutionary and was adored by kids in Che Guevara t-shirts.
Shatner gave the crowd a game smile. Nothing. Beyond the floodlights he could see pale faces, self-satisfied little anarchist-wannabe shits the lot of them. Probably can't wait to hit the street and start chanting down with the establishment while attending bullshit art classes at school and living in overpriced shit-holes in gone-to-hell neighborhoods —ethnic flavor, my ass— all paid for by mom and dad.
Christ, he thought, these kids grew up watching The Show. Where's the love, people? Those two hairy buffoons broke up the Beatles and hate just about everything that makes this country great. I'm trying to get the old crew back together and provide good old-fashioned entertainment and plant the seeds of a hopeful future in young minds —and hopefully pay off a few bills in the process— and you idiots gape at me in uncomfortable silence like you just saw your best friend's dad in his Fruit of the Looms.
One woman applauded; a plump suburban mom type in a cloth coat the color of dog vomit.
Shatner looked from the audience to Lennon and Ono. Jesus. He wanted to break out the wire brushes and bars of Irish Spring. Talk about the Great Unwashed. They probably groom each other for lice like the apes I saw in that Wild Kingdom show the other night. He glanced at Cavett and saw a loose smile and heavy eyelids.
Looks like he's coming down off of a night sniffing bum, Shatner thought. In his mind he heard the Hungry Hungry Hippos song from that annoying TV commercial that seemed to be hammered into his brain last Christmas, only the voices were singing about Happy Happy Homos.
As Cavett introduced Shatner to both live and TV audiences, the taped show to be played at a later date, Shatner looked at the audience and hoped that things would change by the time his kids had kids.
Thirty years from now, he mused. That should be about right. Thirty years from now kids will respect the government and their elders and won't spend all their time pointlessly screwing around. No sir. They'll be little workhorses.
"Now, Bill," Cavett said, "About your little space show."
Shatner raised his eyebrows. Bill? Cavett had that heavy-lidded look again, a sexually sated sodomite. Who the fuck is this guy to be calling me Bill?
"You were cancelled," Cavett said. "Mmmmm?"
Shatner fought to keep his features fixed. His teeth wanted to grind against each other. Stay calm, he thought. Don't grimace. Roddenberry may be right. Push The Show, and The Show may be resurrected. "Well, yes... the network kept jerk— uh, shuffling us around the schedule, a thing like that, will leave the fans... disgruntled."
Shatner flinched when Lennon jerked and raised an arm and made some weirdo salute. "Fascists in Space!"
Yoko started laughing, her skinny body hunched over in her chair. Her loose hair was shifting about like a dark cloud in front of her face. Her laugh was like the screel of steel on steel.
Sounds like someone hammered a railroad spike through sheet metal and is now pulling it back out, Shatner thought.
eee-eeeeee-eeeeeeeee
And Lennon. Look at him. Obviously high on dope. Look at his pupils. As big and blank as the lenses of his eyeglasses. Goddamned Beatles-busting foreign bastard.
Imagine the two of them in bed together, Shatner thought. All that hair. All those skinny limbs. It would be like watching tarantulas fuck.
"I think it would be quite a stretch to call the crew of the starship Enterprise fascists," he replied. He gave the audience his killer aww-shucks grin, and then remembered that most of the audience was unwashed hippie scum. A mindless mass of interchangeable grungy cocks and filthy holes.
"You went scooting about the universe in an armed battleship blowing things apart and starting wars," Lennon said.
Yoko spoke up, sounding like a rusty hinge on an old gate. "They made the women wear miniskirts! A misogynistic patriarchy! An archaic atrocity!"
Shatner's reply was a smirk. Lennon's face reddened. Ono's face collapsed on itself in what appeared to be an expression of extreme distaste. Lennon and Ono sucked air and screamed as one.
"Fucking fascists!"
"Whoopsie! Going to have to cut that," Cavett said in a sing-song voice.
A fag, a foreigner and Grendel's mother, Shatner thought. I'm gonna kick my agent's ass.
Lennon was counting things off on the fingers of one hand. "Military ranks, weapons, battle stations, alerts, torpedoes..."
"Bonk-bonk on the head," Shatner said with a laugh.
Lennon jerked in his seat as if someone had just slipped an iced iron rod between the cheeks of his ass.
Shatner held up his hands, an imploring gesture. "What... the... hell... happenedtoyou, Lennon? You used to be cuttingedge, ahead of the waaave, now you're just a pissy little painintheass."
Yoko said something in Japanese, her bared teeth clacking, her lips smacking.
Jesus, Shatner thought. Clackato smackata.
"We just want world peace," Lennon said, leaning close.
Shatner let out a belly laugh. "Well, working for world peace is like any other kind of work. You have to get your ass outofbed... to get anything done."
"Fuck you," Lennon said. "I'm a fucking icon."
Kids in the audience cheered.
Shatner laughed again. "Please. I bet that in the year 2000 kids will still know me as Captain Kirk, allovertheworld. Those same kids will scratch their heads and struggle to remember who the Beatles were."
"Gentlemen..." Cavett said, wringing his hands.
"Sexist racist elitist warmongering fascist capitalist pig prick," Lennon said. This got him some applause.
Shatner looked at the Englishman. "MisterLennon... you're starting to... pissmeoff."
"Please, please," Cavett said. He reached behind his own chair and then handed Lennon an acoustic guitar. "A song, please? Surely the audience, and Mr. Shatner, would appreciate a song?"
There were murmurs of approval from the audience.
Shatner took a deep breath, and then nodded. "That... wouldbenice."
Lennon began plucking guitar strings. Then he sang, "So this is Chrissst-mass—"
Shatner made a face. "I'm... gonnapuke."
"—and what have you done, another year over... a new one just begun."
Shatner lowered his voice to a whisper. "It's fucking May, you idiot!"
Lennon blinked, looked around the studio, and then set the guitar on the floor. Cavett released a nervous titter. Lennon leaned in close to Shatner. If he lost his balance his head would be in Shatner's lap. He poked Shatner in the chest with one calloused finger. "Fuck off, spaceman."
Gasps and a few scattered cheers came from the audience.
Shatner grabbed Lennon's finger and bent it back, using a trick he learned the hard way from a cute little blonde he goosed in a bar on Sunset back in L.A.
The audience was silent with shock.
Lennon screamed. "Yeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!"
Shatner hadn't heard anything like that since Rubber Soul.
"Nowthat'sthespirit!" Shatner said.
When Yoko saw this she hissed like a reptile and took a swipe at Shatner with her fingernails.
Shatner recoiled in horror. "Getaway from me you... hideouslittlewoman!"
Lennon was wiggling his finger to see if it still worked. Yoko let out some crazy wailing cry and launched herself at Shatner. Acting purely on reflex he raised a foot and caught her in the gut.
Yoko whuffed and dropped on all fours and started making hurka-hurka noises like a cat coughing up a hairball. Shatner threw himself out of his chair and hit the floor in a shoulder roll, certain that the shrieking harpy was going to spew half-digested seaweed and octopus chunks all over him.
"Oh my goodness," Cavett said.
In a brief moment of silence someone in the audience said, "Kill him."
Lennon stood up and nodded vigorously.
It became a chant, and soon the crowd was roaring.
"Kill Shatner! Kill Shatner! Kill Shatner!"
"Kill him," Lennon cried, "And kill the establishment!"
A shoe hit Shatner in the shoulder as he got to his feet. "Ow," he said. Thatreallyhurt."
The air was suddenly alive with debris. Soda cans, pocket change, seat cushions, and more shoes and boots.
"Alllll we... aresaying," Shatner sang aloud in his uniquely Shatneresque singing voice, "is give... peaceachance!"
The audience began surging forward. They were going to tear him to pieces. The brass section of Dick Cavett's band started playing a lively version of the fight music from Amok Time. Shatner made a run for the curtain and Lennon stepped in front of him.
Lennon held up a hand in classic halt! gesture and opened his mouth, no doubt to utter more words of wisdom. Shatner plucked Lennon's glasses off of the ex-Beatle's face and threw them away.
"Fook!" Lennon said.
Shatner deked around Lennon and ran for a door in the back of the soundstage with the crowd of Lennon-worshippers on his heels.
He burst through the door and ran down an alley. On the street a man was just getting out of a cab and Shatner threw himself into the back seat.
The cabbie said, "Where to, bud?" He looked in the rear-view mirror and saw a crazed and desperate crowd surging out of the alley and onto the street.
"Anywhere!" Shatner shouted. He was thrown back into the seat when the cabbie floored it.
Shatner rolled down his window and looked back down the street. The mob was shaking fists and chanting obscenities.
Lennon appeared in front of the crowd and called out, "We'll get you for this, Shatner, you fascist!"
Shatner smirked and shouted, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
He eased back into his seat.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph," the cabbie said. "You sure know how to stir the shit." The man studied Shatner in the rear-view mirror, and then snapped his fingers. "Hey... hey pal. Wasn't you in that old Twilight Zone, with the plane and that fucked-up monster on the wing?"
"Yeah," Shatner said. "Yeah. I was."
"Man, I loved that one," the cabbie said. He bounced up and down in his seat a few times like a little kid. "Could I get your autograph?"
"Sure," Shatner said with a grin. "No problem."
---
(This episode of the Dick Cavett Show was never broadcast. No amount of editing could save the show, so a replacement show was taped with John and Yoko a few days later. William Shatner was not invited back.)
Pop Quiz!
There is an anachronism in here, but I couldn't resist going for a cheap laugh. If you spot it I'll give you... well, I'll give you fuck all, but at least you can show off your 70s knowledge.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:24:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-12-20 10:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by carmex (user info) at 2007-12-19 17:30:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All that hair. All those skinny limbs. It would be like watching tarantulas fuck.
+2 Was anyone else doing voices? I was.
There's something on the wing, there's some; thing.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-12-19 16:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Shatner is pissed off (in real life) because JJ Abrams won't use him for the new Trek prequel.
Word is he's too fat now. Nimoy is in and still looks nice and trim, of course.
Plus, that character he plays on Boston Legal is almost starting to overtake the Star Trek persona and a lot of people would laugh when he came on screen.
Plus, he killed his wife.
I know things about Kirk that would curl your fucking toenails.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1 Bajillion shades of perfect awesome.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-12-18 23:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lungfish, you got it. Hippos came out in '78.
-------------------------------------------------
Check your facts Jack. I got it first.
*Yozz does the nanny nanny boo boo dance*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding and actually funny.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-12-19 07:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fooking brilliant!!
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-19 05:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you're obviously repressing a lot of hate, fag.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-19 03:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pure
class
period
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-19 03:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shatner seems like a latent homo to me.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-12-19 03:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-12-19 00:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-12-18 23:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lungfish, you got it. Hippos came out in '78.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-12-18 22:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could cut it down a bit, but quite good.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-18 21:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was poorly written and reminded me of a third grade girl's science project.
++++
Sico, you remind me of a brainless fool, which you are.
SHUT UP, YOU FRICKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-18 21:44:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
omg,
i;m starting to think like shlongy.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-12-18 21:36:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can't be arsed reading but the concept is amusing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-18 21:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but I imagine it was probably pretty good, based on the title.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-18 21:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Miri" ST episode #8
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-18 20:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.machineslikeus.com/cms/famous-atheists.html
According to this page, Shatner, Cavett, and Lennon are/were all atheists.
I don't know about Bisset. Doesn't matter. I can only think about bending her over at this moment.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-18 20:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. Good.
I think the anachronism was the Hungry Hungry Hippo reference. I'll look at the reviews now.
Jacqueline Bisset bent over. Mmmmmmm.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-18 19:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright alright. I'll lighten up.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I lent you $50, please pay it back to my paypal account, STAT.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe. What of it?
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More, please.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you believe everything you read on the interenet?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was poorly written and reminded me of a third grade girl's science project
----------------------------------------------------
I thought you said that you were not going to be a dick anymore?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If it really means something to you, I could give you a few pointers.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written. This line is great: "He wanted to do Carson, of course, but getting on the Tonight Show was like banging Jacqueline Bisset bent over a chair. You could dream about it all night long but it wasn't going to happen unless you got really, really lucky. "
As opposed to getting on Ubersite, which is like banging Method's Mom bent over a chair. All you need to do that is an email address and $20 + a subway token.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was poorly written and reminded me of a third grade girl's science project.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-12-18 18:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Happy Holidays to you also, thanks for the good reads.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-18 17:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If these were the only thing I knew you for, I'd stop eating the crispy chicken.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungry_Hungry_Hippos
love the Shat.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is it possible that you could write something that sucks?
Does that even happen?
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thx
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck you," Lennon said. "I'm a fucking icon."
These stories fucking kill me.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The wholefuckingthing is an anachronism
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:28:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shat-tastic.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah! No, its the hungry hungry hippos.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Che on a T-shirt.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ROFL http://www2.ubersite.com/m/113787 ROFL
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-18 16:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no I'm gonna read it