PETA can kiss my ass...my research is IMPORTANT!!!! (1008 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.98 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uncle B. (View user info) at 2007-12-19 11:29:07 EST
"Oh you cruel, evil bastard, you perform tests on monkeys!!!"
I hear this alot, everyday in fact, while I walk from my car to the main building where we keep all of our monkeys. They are not really monkeys though, technically they are Barbary macaques and we are studying their behavior.
Now many labs do medical work and animal testing, I am not one of those guys, we observe our macaques because we are researching a project that is vital to humanity. Without going into the long detailed explanation of my job I can say this:
The Macaques love the research, I find it entertaining as well, I mean if I HAD to be a monkey in a lab, I really would love to be on my project.
What am I researching?
Why do monkeys howl during sex?
Most of my day is spent counting how many times a thrusting monkey and how much more vigorously he responds when the female is is howling.
Did you know that unless the female is howling...the male can only "finish" 2% of the time.
Screamers...gotta love em.
User Reviews
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-20 14:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thrusting monkey
good name for a band
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-20 14:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I showed this to a militant vegan friend of mine...
When she read Icarus's comments... she said "he didn't read it...it's those kinda nuts that hurt the cause".
Then she yelled at me for offering her some venison...Bambi shouldn't taste so good.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my cat threw up on me this morning :( I woke up in cold lumpy cat puke
I just needed to share.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-12-20 09:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I were a monkey
'Cause if I were a monkey
I could be your furry jester
And whenever you were blue
You'd come and see me at the zoo
My antics would be reassurin'
But I would always reek and urine
And throw my feces at the wall.....
....I don't want to be a monkey after all
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-12-20 04:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-19 23:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good times.
ask a peta person what the alternative should be to animal testing for medical research...they wont know.
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jews and maori's?
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wowwwwww
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-12-20 04:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love pseudo-PETA types who have been a vegan for a fucking week telling you animal testing is WRONG before they stomp away in their leather sandals.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-19 23:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good times.
ask a peta person what the alternative should be to animal testing for medical research...they wont know.
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jews and maori's?
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-12-19 23:05:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Did you know that unless the female is howling...the male can only "finish" 2% of the time."
Monkeys, they understand each other. I wish I was a monkey.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good times.
ask a peta person what the alternative should be to animal testing for medical research...they wont know.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-19 16:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great job.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil
War! Heh, heh, heh!
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Great
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just shocked that no one wanted to discuss the primate's ability to sling poo with alarming accuracy.
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don't take it personally, it's just that, well...there's really no need for discussion. It's a well proven fact that sapiens (but not humans though...more on this later) have an innate ability to launch poo at a target and strike said target with frightening results. Has one ever wondered where the catapult came from? A monkey launching poo.
Trebuchet? Poo launching apes
Using the gravity field of a massive object in space to send satellites onto their extra solar flight paths? You guessed it, sapien poo flinging.
people though are less accurate with poo flinging. It all stems from issue with cleanliness and sanity. Sometime during human evolution some bright man (or woman) came up with the idea that poo is bad for you. Bad to be around, bad to handle, and ultimately bad for flinging.
thousands of generations passed with minimal poo flinging. The gene for accurately landing feces on a distant target was phased out in favor of the "i'm not fat, it's my thyroid" gene. Some people do resort to poo flinging, but that is most usually reserved for those in solitary confinement/ mental institutions/high ranking officals at the U.N.
I hope that has helped you along the path to enlightenment.
har har monkey secks
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fgirl: The flinging of poo is quite entertaining, however the last trip to the zoo some friends and I got kicked out for pretending to masturbate in front of the monkeys and getting them all started and the children on the field trip had a few too many uncomfortable questions for their chaparones.
The security dudes who escorted us off the premises were doing their best not to laugh as we continued to make jokes.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just shocked that no one wanted to discuss the primate's ability to sling poo with alarming accuracy.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indoninja...
You just gave me an idea for a plushy sex toy for Furries who don't want "resistance" from their dates and are too cheap to afford rohypnol.
I am picturing one of those monkey puppets with the velcro hands...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor Icarus, I guess his monkey isn't howling for him.
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If only someone could build a fleshlight with sound.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this really isn't big news..
my husband is the same way.
man. monkey. get it?
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's is what I think Icarus's deal is:
He got pissy when he saw the headline, ASSUMING i was actually a lab worker telling the truth, because we all know that everything posted on ubersite is 100% true and accurate nonfiction writing, got her panties in a bunch and made his first comment.
Then when he realized he was wrong, he attacks the content instead, which given the quality of his reviews he probably still didn't read.
I wonder if i had written it in crayon it would have been received better.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The ALF is gonna getcha!
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut your fucking maw, you goddamned crybaby. Yes, PETA's a joke and a fucking scourge on the animal rights movement, but you chose to enter a contraversial field, and if you had a brain you would have expected some flack. Start testing on prisoners or celebrities and the PR won't be nearly as bad.
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Sounds like somebody's got a bad case of the Mondays!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
monkey business
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I loved listening to one of my old psych Profs tell stories about when he worked with chimps.
He brought in a picture of himself covered in chimp poo and confirmed that not only are chimps frighteningly intelligent, they're poo marksmen as well.
He also told us about the time that 2 female chimps had a crush on him. They would try to outdo each other attempting to get his attention and affection. If one saw him paying attention to the other, she would orchastrate some attention grabbing activity. Both chimps would sulk over him too.
Submitted by NapalmFace (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whale douche walrus fuck?
Evidently while utilising that single inbred braincell for the act of typing, you have no processing power left to be coherent. Drink bleach, little one.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor Icarus, I guess his monkey isn't howling for him.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you know that unless the female is howling...the male can only "finish" 2% of the time.
So essentially we need to find out how to insert THAT behavioral trait into humans.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes. Because the content made this so much more enriching. Shove it up your ass, whale douche walrus fuck.
Submitted by NapalmFace (user info) at 2007-12-19 12:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe.Funnies.
Icarus? I'm amazed you have the brain power to work a keyboard. Tool.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Icarus...
next time read the whole story...now pull your cock out of the peanut butter and leave the dog alone.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck animals, what did they ever for me?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha calm down roid boy
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Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut your fucking maw, you goddamned crybaby. Yes, PETA's a joke and a fucking scourge on the animal rights movement, but you chose to enter a contraversial field, and if you had a brain you would have expected some flack. Start testing on prisoners or celebrities and the PR won't be nearly as bad.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know Muddy. No worries bro. I know you read Fark as well.
What struck me about this was the fact that there was probably some PETA idiot out there foaming at the mouth that these monkeys are in captivity and being researched without realizing it was pretty much all about the hot monkey love.
I mean seriously... I would love to participate in a human version of this research project except without the visible people counting my thrusts. CCTV they can count me doing my thing as much as they want.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
PETA needs to achieve a balance between sensationalism and activism.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the fark thing wasn't a slam bro, no beef
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes I am a farker...but I didn't just blatantly post a link...
I was gonna take this story a bit further and drag it out longer, but I had to do some work at my job and it totally ruined my train of thought..
Ya know you;d think my job would be more respectful of my creative juices.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was briefly entertained.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:36:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know if you were writing this based on the article or not but I used to pick up samples from monkeys in Baltimore, on the other side of the harbor.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
farker
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.livescience.com/animals/071218-monkey-call.html
I work in a testing facility, but the only monkey's that I test are college grads.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How is this vital to humanity?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-19 11:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
does 'macaques' sound like 'mah cock'?
if you can't tell just lean in a little closer