Selfish (835 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2007-12-19 14:45:35 EST
He kept playing "Suicide Note Pt. II" by Pantera. Tired of hearing the self-pitying song, I left. I left with anger surging through my veins. I left, annoyed. I left, hateful.
"They're coming for me" he whispered.
I held the phone away from my head and looked at the glowing screen. I already knew who it was, and there was nothing to be learned by looking at the screen. I guess I was just buying some time. I needed to figure out what was happening.
"What?" I finally asked.
"They're coming for me!" he repeated, this time with an underlying sense of urgency that was barely hidden by the drunken slur of his words.
"Who is, baby?" different emotions trickled through my body... confusion, worry, annoyance...
There was a hesitation, and then he told me he loved me, and the phone went dark.
The "I love you" was said with a foreboding tone. It carried a deeper message. It held 'goodbye' within its words.
I jumped in my car and raced across town. I had no time to think about how I felt, but the tears streaming down my face were an indicator that my body knew what my mind did not. I dialed and re-dialed. Called over and over. Eventually the phone started going right to voicemail.
He had turned it off.
I barreled across the front lawn, leaving my car half in the drive and half in the grass. I was yelling his name even before I was out of the car.
The front door was open, I hesitated for a moment at the threshold.
"Baby?"
I launched myself up the stairs, taking them two at a time. "Baby!?"
I ran back down the stairs, searched through the main floor, searched in the dark, damp basement. I tore through the yard, yelling over and over, "baby... baby... baby..."
He was nowhere.
It started to rain, it was dark, I was cold. I used the tiny flashlight on my keychain to look into the trees and under the deck.
Not knowing who could help, not knowing if help was even needed, I called his mom. I told her what was happening.
As I waited for her, I continued to look for him. I knew the desperate sound of paranoia. I knew the drunken mind, mixed with thoughts of suicide was a dangerous thing. I knew the mental illness, which he worked so hard to keep at bay, was rearing its ugly head. I knew the severity of the situation, yet I was absolutely powerless against it.
In a swirl of events, his mom showed up with his brother at the same time that he came from around the side of the house. His brother jumped out of the van and went to him. They hugged. His mom came to me and we hugged.
But this is not the end of the story. It's the beginning.
"Go in the house" his normally passive and meek brother ordered. His mom and I went in and sat on the couch while his brother tried to calm him down. Talk sense in to him, I prayed.
I could hear crying. Sobbing. I could hear him apologizing to his brother. I could hear him saying goodbye.
I stepped out of the house. It scared me to see him, wild eyed and disheveled.
This wasn't my boyfriend. He had hatred in his eyes. I could feel his pain, his anger and his insanity.
"Go inside!" he roared, in a voice not wholly his own.
In a rush of bravado, I refused. I was going to stand by my man, if you will.
Then I felt the air surge around me. I felt the energy pushing me down. I felt afraid.
His mother came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. "Don't" she whispered in my ear. Don't.
"DEMONS BE GONE!" She shouted, I turned and looked at her. She raised her hands above her, and started chanting The Lords Prayer. "GET OUT OF MY SON!" She bellowed.
At this moment I actually believed she was right. I had an instant where I truly thought that there was a good possibility that my boyfriend was possessed.
That moment quickly passed, at which point I wondered who was crazier... her or her son.
Somehow it happened that he went inside and locked us out. He came to the window and told me he had a knife. The evil had been replaced with a childlike demeanor. He was crying. If emotion was ever palpable, it was at this moment.
I got another goodbye, in the form of "I love you". I got apologies. I got sadness thrown at me so hard that I could barely breathe.
Yet, to be honest, all I could think was, "are you this desperate for attention?". All of the logic in the world doesn't stand up against ones core beliefs. One of my core beliefs was that anyone who was suicidal was simply needy and weak.
And yet, here was my 'strong' 'manly' boyfriend, holed inside of our house with a knife, doing the very thing I despised. He was being weak.
At that moment, I hated him.
I glanced at his mom, and I was surprised to see that she was on the phone. I walked through the darkness and the rain, and stopped to listen to her voice. Who was she talking to?
"Please come soon. I'm scared. He has a knife. He says he's going to kill himself. Don't use sirens. Don't surprise him. He's really paranoid right now. I'm scared. He's sick. Help."
The police came within minutes. The rolled up soundlessly through the night. There were four of them. The crept up to the front porch, securing themselves against the heavy brick.
I was standing on the side of the house, where I watched everything unfold like a nightmare. They knocked gently on the front door just as he was leaning out the side door. I saw him cock his head to listen. He looked at me and I shook my head.
He came out of the house, slowly walked along the side garden, and approached the front porch, going to investigate the sound.
It was then that I saw the glint of the knife.
I pulled myself from my paralysis, "Baby, NO!" I yelled.
The police, started by my shout, turned, as one, and shone their lights on him.
He stood there frozen, like a deer in headlights. The knife slipped silently through his fingers and hit the ground. His hands went into the air, and he held them above his head.
In a rush, the police surrounded him, told him, "it's going to be alright, man... we're here to help". He put his hands behind his back and they cuffed him.
It was then that they noticed the knife on the ground. It was then that one of them grabbed my boyfriends head with both of his hands and twisted it, jerking his chin to the left and his forehead to the right. It was then that another knee crashed into his back.
It was then that he started screaming.
They sprayed him with mace. They were all on him.
"STOP!" I yelled, throwing myself towards the melee, being stopped only by my own common sense.
They calmly picked him up and put him into a waiting ambulance.
At the hospital he was treated for his injuries and then admitted into the psychiatric ward. I approached one of the cops and asked him "What's going to happen?".
He smiled and calmly told me that my boyfriend would be in trouble for violating his probation, but "That's about it... lets just hope he gets healthy", he said, referring to my boyfriends mental state.
Two weeks later he was arraigned.
"Three charges of assault with the intent to murder".
My sense of faith in the justice system was fatally wounded when I sat in the courtroom, listening to the cops describe how he came running around the side of the house, knife in the air (making stabbing motions!), screaming "I'm going to kill you fuckers!".
They told us all of the fear that they felt, seeing the blade of the knife swooping through the air.
Wide eyed, they described how it was their own cunning and daring that saved their lives. Barely saved their lives.
"assault with the intent to murder" was all I could think.
A life sentence, up for parole after 15 years.
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-12-20 14:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE so stupid.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-12-20 08:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's the end of the story:
I wrote a letter to the editor of all of the local papers, outlining what was going on. Then I hired a very expensive attorney.
They offered a plea of "assault causing injury to an officer", which he took, and got 9 months in jail.
I guess one of the cops stubbed their toe or something. Seriously.
As to the question of, "Why take the plea if you're innocent?", who is really going to risk getting sent away for LIFE? When he took the plea, our lawyer told him that the sentencing guidlines recommended 0-9 months, and "You'll probably get off with time served".
Lo and Behold, he got the maximum recommended (9 months), which was a surprise.
The main problem is that he was on probation for resisting arrest... which didn't look good in the present circumstances.
--
i remember now
---
there is a bit of cliche in this, but some of the moments are very strong and powerful, it made my head buzz in a disturbing sort of way, actually
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-12-20 08:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i still find it hard to believe this is true - i mean the part about the cops lying in court.
what is happening with that?
the actual description of the incident rings disturbingly true - the moments of honest self awareness and the way things are described give it a truthful power, it seems to me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-20 06:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is terrible. I mean seriously, what are you on about? "Baby, NO !"?
Alright, let me try to be constructive. If you'd done a gun battle climaxing in a knife fight in a sauna that devolved into a homo sex scene it would have gone down like a lead balloon, but it would have been good. You'd have been able to look yourself in the mirror and say "You know what? I AM ten million feet tall of awesome." Instead you're jabbering about being a contender instead of a bum, which is what you are.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-20 04:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excuse me
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-20 04:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Derivative, but better than any other crap on here today.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-12-19 16:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lots of cliched terminology and description, needs development.
I didn't care because I was not given enough information to care. This is a vignette. You dropped the reader into the middle of what could have been a much more interesting story.
It could be much improved even though it's based on a true event. I say 'based on' because I doubt your recollection is exactly what happened. This is the story told from your point of view. (arguably the least interesting)
Dark, rainy, adrenaline, etc. Things happen so fast.
An interesting exercise would be to also tell it from the point of view of the mother, one of the policeman, and the boyfriend. The mother in particular is quite interesting because of the mental illness/demon possession connection and how the propensity for bi-polarism is genetic.
Try and imagine how they saw it, and then begin each story earlier in the day, including yours. Was one of the cops a rookie, scared shitless, etc? What went through your boyfriend's tortured mind that day, etc. What about the mother?
Let the stories converge with the climactic event.
It's an old exercise, but it's a very good one to develop one's writing skills.
Or not.
Also, as I suppose you realize now, overcharging is a common tactic used as leverage to gain quick convictions. Possessing a weapon in the presence of police officers will guarantee an asst. DA will apply same. They get promoted based on conviction rates, and it's much more likely to occur when they can threaten a draconian sentence. As you say, why risk life in prison?
Interesting story.
**************
Thank you, Mr. Pretentious, you brainless jerk.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-12-19 19:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-19 17:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Since when did this dump become a "serious writers forum"???
I must have missed the memo from bart, that turdburglar.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-19 17:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Like Zebra said, this could have been something if it weren't for the clichees. You need to worm your way into your character's heads and situations, rewrite the piece five or six times, and figure out what they would be thinking/feeling instead of what you, as a casual observer, would be expecting them to think/feel.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-19 16:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 16:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Zebra, wow thanks for that review. Probably the best piece of constructive criticism I've ever received from this site.
Yes, I do now realize the whole thing about over-charging in order to guarntee convictions. It's a load of crap, and that alone has me seriously dissatisfied with our justice system.
Great questions about the cops, too... Two of them WERE rookies, one of them was actually a police trainer, very experienced, etc... he was the only one that the pros. attny never put on the stand.
MAN I could write some great stories based on his mom and her perspective on things... I never thought of that. I don't think I've ever written a true story and tried going from someone elses perspective other than my own.
Thanks for the review.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-12-19 16:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lots of cliched terminology and description, needs development.
I didn't care because I was not given enough information to care. This is a vignette. You dropped the reader into the middle of what could have been a much more interesting story.
It could be much improved even though it's based on a true event. I say 'based on' because I doubt your recollection is exactly what happened. This is the story told from your point of view. (arguably the least interesting)
Dark, rainy, adrenaline, etc. Things happen so fast.
An interesting exercise would be to also tell it from the point of view of the mother, one of the policeman, and the boyfriend. The mother in particular is quite interesting because of the mental illness/demon possession connection and how the propensity for bi-polarism is genetic.
Try and imagine how they saw it, and then begin each story earlier in the day, including yours. Was one of the cops a rookie, scared shitless, etc? What went through your boyfriend's tortured mind that day, etc. What about the mother?
Let the stories converge with the climactic event.
It's an old exercise, but it's a very good one to develop one's writing skills.
Or not.
Also, as I suppose you realize now, overcharging is a common tactic used as leverage to gain quick convictions. Possessing a weapon in the presence of police officers will guarantee an asst. DA will apply same. They get promoted based on conviction rates, and it's much more likely to occur when they can threaten a draconian sentence. As you say, why risk life in prison?
Interesting story.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all relative.
This must have been a very trying time, to say the least.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indio... So now you should be satisfied! I like knowing the nuts and bolts, but it doesn't make for very good storytelling.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's really strange, but this made me start thinking about prison. I actually know quite a lot of people, some good friends that have spent some time in jail. I find that weird. and depressing.
whatever, good story.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nah, he didn't come out crazy. He's been diagnosed as "bipolar with psychotic tendencies", so, basically what happened (or so they say) is that he was having a manic episode and got psychotic.
The lawyer was put in his name, actually.
---------
I find the nuts and bolts of situations and the final outcomes much more interesting than dramatic re-tellings.
History Channel >> Lifetime Network
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
by which I mean, I paid the retainer and he was billed for the services.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nah, he didn't come out crazy. He's been diagnosed as "bipolar with psychotic tendencies", so, basically what happened (or so they say) is that he was having a manic episode and got psychotic.
The lawyer was put in his name, actually.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's the end of the story:
I wrote a letter to the editor of all of the local papers, outlining what was going on. Then I hired a very expensive attorney.
---------------
sos id Mr. crazy brains (yes, I am very creative today) come out still crazy, or did he pay you back for the lawyer?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tragedy is the arch nemesis of success.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is true, by the way. It was very hard to write.
----------------
You sure do pick winners...
You talk to him at all anymore?
***
I'm quite the winner myself, Indio.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is true, by the way. It was very hard to write.
----------------
You sure do pick winners...
You talk to him at all anymore?
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written. I liked this even though it seemed like a hard story to write about.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's the end of the story:
I wrote a letter to the editor of all of the local papers, outlining what was going on. Then I hired a very expensive attorney.
They offered a plea of "assault causing injury to an officer", which he took, and got 9 months in jail.
I guess one of the cops stubbed their toe or something. Seriously.
As to the question of, "Why take the plea if you're innocent?", who is really going to risk getting sent away for LIFE? When he took the plea, our lawyer told him that the sentencing guidlines recommended 0-9 months, and "You'll probably get off with time served".
Lo and Behold, he got the maximum recommended (9 months), which was a surprise.
The main problem is that he was on probation for resisting arrest... which didn't look good in the present circumstances.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clams casino kicks ass.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love shellfish too!
um... nobody called out the cops on thier fake story? I means hit... that's a long time to go away for something that didna happen.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PBH, if you are bored, you should read some of the stuff I have labeled as "goodfiction" under my user info. I think that stuff is a bunch better than this.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I re-told it here just like I've told it a million other times... maybe that's the problem. I've said it all before so much that its lost the original spark.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is true, by the way. It was very hard to write.
====
In that case, it's fucking superb. Damn.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 15:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is true, by the way. It was very hard to write.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BLAND!?
My god, that's the worst thing anyone has ever called my stuff.
I'm so sad now. No joke.
====
Well, fuck, maybe bland wasn't the right word. It seemed to just skim the surface? Could have played up the tension more? It flowed great, it just didn't hit my gut? If it makes you feel better, I know my stuff can be bland as fuck.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Huh...
"The "I love you" was said with a foreboding tone. It carried a deeper message. It held 'goodbye' within its words."
That phrase made my fingertips itch because it was ALMOST awesome. As it is, however, it just feels clunky.
Anyway, good story, if a bit surreal. I sympathize with the point of view. I read once that we dislike most in others what we despise about ourselves.
...
Food for thought, that.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BLAND!?
My god, that's the worst thing anyone has ever called my stuff.
I'm so sad now. No joke.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, for stealing your thunder.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a difficult choice. This a bit bland, in all honesty. But it's my second to last day before my vacation, so I'm in a mostly good mood. Of course, if this is based on true life...
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
write me a story...a short one, when you have time.
its about being powerless in the face of eminent danger aimed at your child and your dialog with the child trying to persuade him or her back to you and out of harms way. the time span for the story can only be 30-45 seconds long and you have to capture every emotion of the ordeal.
or don't its just something I always wanted to do but wont.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-19 14:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE SHELLFISH!
i obviously haven't read this yet, so you get a default +2.