Offending the Jews (1296 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.7 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2007-12-19 17:38:23 EST
Ah, the glory of foot in mouth disease. Viral infection passed by conduct, association, and verbal gaffs. The lurking assassin waiting to ambush any situation, be it amongst friends, family, or schoolmates. We all have our fair share of these moments - usually laughed off, usually looked back upon with humor. These innocent hiccups that possess the possibility of completely mutating the tone of a conversation. Occasionally acceptable, but when occasional becomes constantly, and the line of acceptability becomes blurred by unintended slurs and insults - the situational hilarity plummets to nonexistent.
Welcome to my world.
A world where my foot so much doesn't so much as enter my mouth as kick my teeth through the back of my skull, showering the poor individuals around me with a potpourri of brain fragments and cartilage.
As you can see, I'm one to make use of hyperbole.
Conversationally that makes me interesting. Entertaining. A verbal acrobat, a wordsmith, an Italian/Irish lingual gymnast who can perform a straight leg leap, half turn on toe, straight jump, tuck jump... annnnnnd stick it! Hands in the air, chest heaving, assaulted by the thunderous applause of my audience.
But sometimes... sometimes I slip.
Case in point? It's finals time. The school is stressed out on a level that only law students can achieve. Picture a hive after the bees have been fed crank. Except now channel all that intensity into hundreds of people who are not moving any part of their bodies besides their eyes. Occasionally, a page will rustle. A highlighter will squeak. A computer may turn on. All that excess energy becomes palpable, throbbing through the school/library/cafeteria with muted intensity.
As such I tend to avoid school this time of year. I'm laidback by nature and do not take well to that frenzied-rabid look haunts the eyes of students before an exam.
Unfortunately, this year various obligations kept me at school. Luckily, I have an office there to separate me; to keeping the panicked throngs at bay. However, I share this office with another organization that's around the corner. It's a typical arrangement; I can hear everything they say (as they practice quite loudly) but am just far enough removed where I have no real standing to tell them to shut the fuck up.
Solution? Turn up the music on my computer, but somehow I don't think Explosions in the Sky are going to drown anyone out. So I cope, spread out my study guides and silently wish that wild boar would run past be and gore to death whatever team is practicing the art of how to come to a settlement. If I hear the phrase, "I respect what you are saying, but what I think you need to understand is...," one more time, I may repeatedly smash my head upon desk with a ferocity not matched by the most devout Islamic Egyptian male.
Now, it's not as if they are bad people. I have some friends in the group... one in particular. A girl I met when I started in the night program and we both transferred to the day. She's a diehard Yankee fan and I know that because we've attended enough games together to verify that we both scream ourselves hoarse. She also doesn't mind the occasional beer at midday, so we have that in common as well.
Oh, and only relevant because of the context of this tale, she's Jewish. Not orthodox, possibly reform, I've never asked. But Jewish enough that... well, she's Jewish.
I am not.
I am, well, I am Italian/Irish, which I think genetically makes me Catholic. We can save all the associated discussions for another time, and just to speed things along call me... lapsed.
We'll often punctuate the tediousness of our studying by shouting things at one another, her on one side of the wall, me on the other; our voices barging down the passage between our desks. Topics recently have included Pettitte, how much we hate the Red Sox, Santana, how much we hate the Red Sox, fishing, and vacationing.
It's the last topic that caused this mess I know find myself in.
While discussing (read - shouting about) her upcoming trip to a cabin upstate New York, I was reading up on the various laws associated with the Nuremberg Trials as I was helping edit a paper for my girlfriend's International Law class.
This is why when my friend yelled over, "Yeah, we went to the supermarket and picked up like 15 cans of sauce, a couple pounds of pasta, and like 10 of those gallon jugs of water..."
I responded, "What are you doing? Hoarding for the Holocaust?"
It's kind of funny how some words can just echo around a room.
As the silence stretched between us, I tried to close my gaping mouth, wondering what to say. How could I rectify this?! Luckily, she gave me an out, "What did you say?" Her question floated over, "I didn't hear you..."
I laughed heartily, awkwardly. "What are you doing?" Another fake chuckle. "Hoarding for the APOCALYPSE?"
The room was silent, the Gods weighing whether this would be accepted. Finally, a disctinct, "ha." Short, concise forgiveness.
I dropped my head, and breathed, but this was false hope. Did I mention I couldn't see around the corner?
A figure steps out from the passage between the two rooms, a figure that is not smiling. He adjusts his hat, his peyos bouncing with the motion. He scowls at me and I motion helplessly, my famous tongue helplessly tied. He points at me, his long finger berating me, "I heard what you said."
"I, but -"
He cuts me off, "You better watch it, we now know who you are." With that he spins and stalks out of the office, the door closing gentle behind him.
My head hits the desk as the magnitude of my mouth falls upon my shoulders. Maybe it won't be too bad? You can do worse things than offend an Orthodox Jew in law school... right? Right?
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-22 00:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Unless the god's name is actually God, it's a small g. Same goes for santas and Death.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-20 20:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
offend a Russian Joo and you'll be watching reality tv for the rest of your fucking life
in CA, at least
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-20 19:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-12-20 12:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
when u breath jews are offended
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-20 09:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could you carry my cross for me? I have to tie up my sandal.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-12-20 08:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-20 08:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Gutted.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chanukah doesn't start with an H.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-12-20 04:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I accidentally wished a Jewish kid "Happy Holocaust"
In my defense, they both start with H
And he is a prick
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2007-12-20 03:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sleigher (user info) at 2007-12-20 02:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was younger and less wise (or should I say, more innocent), I always wondered when Jews spoke of the Holocaust, why they were living in Hiroshima in the first place....
JS
PS: Hyperbolic Tension kills, ease up boyo
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-20 02:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I use jews like you to line my fireplace.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rip the bag of gold off their necks - that'll piss em off
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-20 00:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fought off sleep's pervasive efforts to drag me under its power to finish this post, and I am glad for it. It's too bad about the whole impending doom thing. Good luck with that...as if it will help.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-12-19 23:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha bubba is so fucking transparent, it's really sad. What a fucking loser.
You've always been my favorite poster, Smurfs.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One thing I know for sure: Your assassin won't be gentile.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop flirting with me, Bubba.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamit, Bubba, I was not talking to you. Didn't you read the post. Please to shut the fuck up.
*****
Lungfish, I've read your stuff, and you are a nice guy.STOP CALLING ME BUBBA,YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!
I've told everyone here I AM NOT BUBBA!!!!
If you don't believe me,then FUCK YOU,YOU STUPID ASS!!!!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamit, Bubba, I was not talking to you. Didn't you read the post. Please to shut the fuck up.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-19 22:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-19 21:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha they know who you are. You're screwed
*********
Ya talkin'ta me,asshole?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-19 21:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha they know who you are. You're screwed.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-19 21:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'pears as though Darko still doesn't have countable ratings.
He should have, but I am the the Bart. Sorry, Darkie. . .
P.S. I am not Bubba 2341, so fuck Scrounge, Zebra, Wildman, and teh Uniter.
<fuckingmorons>
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a dirty racist
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice knowin' ya.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's he so pissed about? It's not like he doesn't control the world or anything.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty funny.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
? That's a picture from the riot in Brooklyn this year
(thought I shoulda used this one)
http://thegoodreverend.blogspot.com/2006/04/hasidim-riot-after-brooklyn-arrest.html
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-12-19 17:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 Filename
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-12-19 17:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 title