The BOSH Man! WISHES YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS!! AND FESTIVUS!! AND THAT JEWISH HOLIDAY I CAN'T SPELL!! (982 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dude, thats BOSH! (View user info) at 2007-12-19 18:29:31 EST
So there I was going from mall to mall ripping the beards off fake Santa's and taking pictures of the newfound emotionally destroyed five year olds when all of a sudden I realized I didn't know how to finish this sentence.
I used the Scruggs signal (kind of like Batman, but not as bosh) to summon Scruggs to my location. He showed up like forty-five minutes later and had a dildo crammed into each visible orifice. I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement.
We hopped on my moped and set cruise control for the North Pole.
About 35 seconds into our voyage, I realized Scruggs was still in my moped, probably shitting his pants. I did a bosh wheelie and Scruggs immediately fell off the back. I safely landed my front wheel back onto the pavement and turned around to see Scruggs getting up and brushing himself off. He got to within about 10 feet of the moped (I think he assumed it was an accident and wanted to get back on) when I flipped him off.. not just once, but 45 times in a row.
I peeled out when he started crying and went to pay Santa Clause a visit.
I walked into his workshop and lit up a cigarette.
"Hey dudes, these toys are pretty righteous. How come you guys make cool stuff like nutcrackers and wooden trucks with square wheels and then Santa drops off video games and iPods and shit?"
I'm not sure the midgets had ever thought of this.
"Fuckin A, Boshman. Powerful observation. What the dude do we do all this work for if Santa just goes around giving out other toys and gadgets?"
"Fuckin A, indeed, midgets."
"..we're elves"
"I don't give a fuck."
So now the midgets are pretty well pissed off and they start following me to Santa's house.. like an army of ..midgets following a normal sized human being, I guess.
I knocked 3 times before I got pissed off and started urinating on his door until it dissolved into candy, which I was completely unaware I was capable of. Scruggs came out of left field and started eating all the pee candy. The midgets started giggling, I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement.
The midgets and I marched into Santa's house and I almost died. He had 'Scruggs' Greatest Hits' album on.
"HO HO HO! Merry Christmas Bosh Man!"
"Merry Christmas.. I FUCKED YOUR SNOWMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
" HO HO ..uh?????!?!"
"Scruggs loving faggot! Me and your overworked midgets have a bone to pick with you"
"Its about the toys, isn't it?"
"Fuckin A right it is."
After a lengthy discussion, Santa agreed to send out all the bosh toys the midgets had been working so hard on all year. Having fulfilled my duty as a revolutionary negotiator between midgets and fictitious fat dickheads, it was time to kick my stirrups and ride into the frozen tundra, due south.
I told Scruggs he was eating my piss and he started crying and shitting himself, so I punched him in the neck and had him find his own way home.
Santa came through with his promise. Everyone got hand-made crafts for Christmas: Nutcrackers, wooden trucks with square wheels, wagons, jack-in-the-box's, model airplanes, etc.
It went down as the worst Christmas in all of time. People were pretty pissed off about it. Santa turned himself into a dinosaur and ate all the midgets in his anger. There would never be another Christmas ever again.
I didn't care all that much though, I got my nutcracker and all was right in the world of The BOSH Man!
User Reviews
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-12-21 19:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-20 03:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
remember when everyone thought you sucked?
-------------------------------------------------
It's funny, because it's not like his writing style changed. I think we should ask some of the people who used to always give him -2's, and who now always give him +2's, what exactly changed for them. I'll start. So, JonnyX? What gives?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-20 19:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-20 14:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-20 14:10:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
May your holidays be righteous!
Uneasy Rider
Charlie Daniels Band
I was takin a trip out to L.A.
Toolin along in my cheverolet
Tokin on a number and diggin on the radio
Just as I crossed the Mississippi line
I heard that highway start to whine
And I knew that left rear tire was about to blow
Well the spare was flat and I got uptight
Cause there wasn't a filling station in sight
So I just limped on down the shoulder on the rim
I went as far as I could and when I stopped the car
It was right in front of this little bar
Kind of a red-neck lookin joint called the Dew Drop Inn
I stuffed my hair up under my hat
And told the bartender that I had a flat
And ywould he be kind enough to give me change for a one
There was one thing I was sure proud to see
There wasn't a soul in the place except for him and me
He just looked disgusted and pointed toward the telephone
I called up the station down the road a ways
He said he wasn't very busy today
And he could have somone out there in just about 10 minutes or so
He said," Now, you just stay right where yer at!"
And I didn't bother to tell the darn fool
That I sure as hell didn't have anyplace else to go
So I ordered up a beer and sat down at the bar
When some guy walked in and said, "Who owns this car
With the peace sign, the mag wheels and the four on the floor?"
He looked at me and I damn near died
And I decided that I'd just wait outside
So I laid a dollar on the bar and headed for the door
Just when I wthought I'd get outta there with my skin
These 3 big dudes come strollin in
With one old drunk chick and some fella with green teeth
Now the last thing I wanted was to get into a fight
In Jackson Mississippi on a Saturday night
Especially when there was three of them and only one of me
I was almost to the door when the biggest one
Said, "You tip your hat to this lady, son!"
And when I did, all that hair fell out from underneath
They all started laughin and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I better think of something pretty quick
So I just reached out and kicked old green teeth right in the knee
Now he let out a yell that'd curl yer hair
But before he could move I grabbed me a chair
And said "Now watch him Folks cause he's a fairly dangerous man!"
"You may not know it but this man is a spy.
He's a undercover agent for the FBI
And he's been sent down here to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan!"
He was still bent over holdin on to his knee
But everybody else was looking and listening to me
And I laid it on thicker and heavier as I went
"Would you believe this man has gone as far
As tearing Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars.
And he voted for George McGovern for President."
"He's a friend of them long haired, hippy-type, pinko fags!
I betchya he's even got a commie flag
tacked up on the wall inside of his garage."
"He's a snake in the grass, I tell ya guys.
He may look dumb but that's just a disguise,
He's a mastermind in the ways of espionage"
They started lookin real suspicious at him
He jumped up and said "Now just wait a minute Jim!
You know he's lying I been living here all of my life!"
"I'm a faithful follower of Brother John Birch
And I belong to the Antioch Baptist Church.
And I ain't even got a garage, you can call home and ask my wife!"
Then he started saying somethin bout the way I was dressed
But I didn't wait around to hear the rest
I was too busy moving and hoping I didn't run outta luck
When I hit the door I was making tracks
And they were just taking my car down off the jack
So I threw the man a twenty and jumped in and fired that mother up
Mario Andretti wouldda sure been proud
Of the way I was movin when I passed that crowd
Coming out the door and headed toward me at a trott
And I guess I should of gone ahead and run
But somehow I just couldn't resist the fun
Of chasing them all just once around the parking lot
Well, they headed for their car, but I hit the gas
And spun around and headed them off at the pass.
I was slingin' gravel and puttin' a ton o' dust in the air.
I had them all out there steppin and fetchin
Like their heads was on fire and their asses was catchin
then I figgered I had better go ahead and split before the cops got there
When I hit the road I was really wheelin
Had gravel flyin and rubber squeelin
And I didn't slow down till I was almost to Arkansas
I think I'm gonna reroute my trip
I wonder if anybody'd think I'd flipped
If I went to L.A., via Omaha
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-12-20 12:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
-Dave
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-12-20 12:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i find tinsel very distracting
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:58:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-12-20 10:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking bosh
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-12-20 10:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You spell it "Chaka khan".
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-20 09:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just lit up an agreement and nodded in a cigarette while flip-flopping my flappers.
</rawr>
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-20 08:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude! that's....
aw, you know what it is.
Merry Christmas.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You may be one of the funniest people I "know".
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey bosh man, I assisted in killing a man a few weeks ago.
does that make me at least a little bosh?
i sure hope so.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...and to you and yours, BOSHman.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-12-20 07:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love a bit of Bosh.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-20 06:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuckin A, indeed, midgets."
"..we're elves"
"I don't give a fuck."
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-12-20 05:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A indeed.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-20 04:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember the days when people thought the boshman sucked. i even made a post about that very thing. However, the boshman kept posting an proved to all of mankind that he was indeed very funny.
The kid that knows everything just nodded in agreement.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-20 03:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
remember when everyone thought you sucked?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-20 03:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MERRY CHRISTMAS BOOOOOOOOOOOSH
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-12-20 02:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is a Festivus miracle.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-20 02:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like bugs, watching a bug zapper, because within the bug zapper, is an image of bugs flying into a bug zapper.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-20 01:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-20 00:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet scruggs and Bubba are best friends outside of ubersite.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-12-19 23:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're just an anfry jelous bicth!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-19 21:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Inimitably bosh.
Tim Allen could play Scruggs and get punched in the throat and have cigarettes wedged into his sphincter.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-12-19 21:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to be a series. Like the Santa Clause movies only funny, and not including Tim Allen. Or maybe it could include Tim Allen, but involve him being fed into a wood chipper or molested by Scruggs.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are cool, funny, and extremely BOSH!!!
Merry Christmas.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck are you talking about?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-19 20:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2007-12-19 19:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After reading, I had to read your other stuff: I sped-read/skimmed safely 14 of them. In a word you are peerless; in several words you are the most original, absurd, and funniest man I've encountered within the series of tubes.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-19 19:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
classically bosh
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-12-19 19:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-12-19 19:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Merry Boshmas
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually hate your stories, but this was pure quality, good job.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"So there I was going from mall to mall ripping the beards off fake Santa's and taking pictures of the newfound emotionally destroyed five year olds when all of a sudden I realized I didn't know how to finish this sentence."
This is easily one of the top five best opening lines ever!
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome in so many ways.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quality literature.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have tickets to a music festival in May and Scruggs is on the roster.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"..we're elves"
"I don't give a fuck."
Hahahaha
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-12-19 18:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
seriously though, happy holidays