Tortured (744 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Yozz Is Hangin' By A Thread (View user info) at 2007-12-20 11:12:38 EST
"How are you feeling, Sweetie?" my wife asks. We've been together for many moons, so I know that SHE knows something is bothering me - and trying to gently fathom what may be the cause. Normally, I would put on a brave face and simply remark that it was a tough day and be done with it. To me, emotions are fleeting - give me five or ten minutes and I'll usually come back to center.
But not this time. THIS time, I just couldn't ignore that stomach-wrenching, soul-ripping, mind-fucking mental tail-spin that I was in.
"I'm fucking tortured" was my reply. After a brief pause to let that sink in, I continued: "And I chose that word very carefully. I feel like I am being tortured every minute of every fucking day."
Now, my wife knows that I use hyperbole often. I grew up surrounded by "big words" and have a certain expertise in their use. She also knows that I tend to blow things out of proportion - see things worse that for what they really are. But I could tell that she knew that I was serious. In fact, I know that she FELT those waves of emotion coming off me for days.
Although the next question should have been obvious, somehow it took me by surprise. "Why do you feel TORTURED?"
That question had an effect on me like popping the cork off of a bottle of champagne. Thousands of images screamed through my brain, momentarily incapacitating me. Pictures of those fucking assholes on EVERY GODDAMN commute, morning, noon and night in the left lane of a major highway who will not exceed the speed limit or move to the right because they are "entitled" to be there. Opening the refrigerator and having something fall out onto the floor EVERY GODDAMN TIME. EVERY GODDAMN morning having to look for the kids' shoes. I could go on, but I think you get the point. The predictability and redundancy of every day life will split your fucking brain wide open and grind you like a slow wood chipper.
Finally, my mind grabbed one of the images and held it long enough for me to form the necessary words: "Those fucking cats", I mumbled. Building steam, I let it go. "Those FUCKING CATS will not leave me alone. The SECOND I wake up, they won't leave me alone until I give them food. The SECOND I come home from work they won't leave me alone until I give them food. The SECOND I sit down they won't leave me alone because they need to be pet. THAT ONE licks his ass for three hours every night so I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!"
Instantly, I felt better. That felt REALLY good.
After about a minute or two of silence (I was just enjoying the release - like after a good cum), she asked "Well, is there anything I can do?"
"Nah", I said. I had just put the brave face on. "I'll be OK."
But what I was REALLY thinking was ....
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-04 16:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What was that for? Don't you think I have had enough bashing with the Uberboard today?
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2008-01-03 09:02:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha,ha ! yer cat licks its ass fer hours keeping you awake,
Go cat go!
"yes utock,there is a Santa Clause!"
Pretty funny post,though.
Extraspecially the part where you say you feel tortured!
So now ,fucknuts, i must give you +2
P.S. Where's my uberdouchbag award!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-02 23:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Well done sir.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-02 22:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-21 00:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WELL DONE, MY DROOG
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...and Yozz: It's "Jesus wept." Or, "Jebus weeeeeped." if you prefer.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-21 11:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas, Yozz. TheDoctor says hi (someone stole my account, RETURN it!)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-12-21 00:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WELL DONE, MY DROOG
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-20 22:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+++++
Psssttttttt!!
Wangboy.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-20 20:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a page from my autobiography.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-12-20 13:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Food falling out of the fridge? That IS fucking torture. On a particular bitchy day, when I couldn't keep the supercunt calm, I threw every single item in the fridge in a great black garbage bag. I left orange juice (for screwdrivers), coke (for our whiskey), what remaining beer we had, and a block of cheese. Sometimes release is just fucking nice.
But kitty torture. That I can't condone.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-12-20 13:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think a lolcat of "Come and get one in the yarbles" would probably make me piss my jeans.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-12-20 12:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
clockwork orange!
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, I just got a kitten as a gift...
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you need a vacation
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you need a vacation
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eat my cunt hole!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they are technically not 'entitled' to be there. I think most states have the stay right except to pass law.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain Yozz old chap, but I still kind of love the furry flea bitten little bastards.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2007-12-20 11:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Listen, you big, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the
Simpsons!
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror