What Would Have Happened to Bugs Bunny Had He Made that Left Turn in Albuquerque (23167 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sally Walker (View user info) at 2007-12-28 04:00:08 EST
Assuming that Bugs Bunny is traveling east from the Warner Brothers Studios in California, making a left turn in Albuquerque would eventually place him in Espanola, New Mexico; or the unofficial "Low-rider Capital of the World." There, Bugs would be pulled over by tribal police of the Jicarilla Apaches for speeding and illegal tunneling. Or something else. It doesn't really matter. Tribal police will make up their own reasons to pull you over.
Bugs would spend the night in the drunk tank with several others who had been pulled in that evening for DWI. It's not that they encourage drunk driving in New Mexico, but drive-through beer barns are still legal state-wide and if you want they'll even give you a bag of ice with your twelve pack so you can fill up the cooler sitting on the floorboard of your 1973 Ford Ranchero and be merrily on your way. Oh, and gas stations in New Mexico also have a full selection of hard liquor available. Yep, they do. However, don't drink and drive. Seriously.
In the morning Bugs Bunny would appear before Tribal Council and be fined stiff penalties for tunneling, which (from the verdict handed down) "resulted in wholesale desecration of the land which the Jicarilla people hold as sacred". Being a rabbit and having no real concept of money Bugsie would be unable to pay the stiff fines levied against him and would subsequently be sentenced to a seven month jail stint in the overcrowded prison serving the Jicarilla Nation. The Apache guards would beat him regularly to try to break his will and cease his constant smart-ass "What's up, Doc?" routine.
Eventually the treatment would take it's toll on the hare, and no more laughs or shenanigans would be coming from this bunny; only soft sobbing every night from his cold, barren, carrot-less cell.
After his release from jail, Bugs Bunny would be a broken rabbit. He would wander from town to town around Northern New Mexico with little direction; working odd jobs and committing petty theft to support his newly-developed heroin addiction. During those years he would be frequently spotted at Indian casinos playing low-limit blackjack, trying to put together enough chips to score another bag of dope and spinning drunken, rambling, incoherent tales about his "glory days" back in Hollywood for anybody who would bother to listen. The famous rabbit we all knew and loved would hit rock bottom and become a homeless hare; a listless leporid; a sad, sad, lonely bunny.
Things would, however, turn around for Bugs. One late night he passed out drunk and high in a snow bank on the side of the highway. He would have frozen to death, but in a miraculous turn that could have only been the work of the Great Life Giver; Lone Wolf the White Apache (the Shaman of the Jicarilla tribe) passed his near-frozen body while traveling north to his home. His inherent spiritual wisdom sensed that Bugs was no ordinary bunny, and the medicine man drove Bugs to his home in Dulce where he slowly tended to the hare until Bugs regained consciousness.
"heh... eh... wh-what's up, doc?" The bunny said weakly upon awakening.
"The Changing Lady and Coyote spirit have spoken to me of your suffering, furred one."
"The coyote spirit? You mean Wile-E.?"
"I know you have many questions, my gray friend; but rest now. You are safe here among my people."
Later on, now fully recuperated and broken of his habit, Bugs would travel with Lone Wolf to the top of a nearby mountain, where they ingested peyote during the most sacred of ceremonies. The awesome visions and revelations that came to Bugs during this journey made him resolve to throw away the frivolity of his former celebrity lifestyle and embrace the peaceful and simple ways of the Apache. Before long he was accepted as a member of the tribe, and his name was changed from Bugs Bunny to a more appropriate Apache name, "He who Leans with a Carrot".
Bugs would eventually rise as a leading advocate for the Jicarilla people and (ironically) settle down in Albuquerque, where he would join the faculty at the University of New Mexico and become a distinguished professor of indigenous peoples. His book, "Journey Out of Darkness: My Life with the Jicarilla" would gain critical acclaim in scholarly circles and eventually earn him the coveted Nichols-Chancellor's Medal.
Tragically, shortly after winning the award, Bugs would be chased down and killed by a pack of wild coyotes; ironic again being that UNM's mascot is the lobo.
But none of this ever happened because Bugs Bunny never made that left turn in Albuquerque.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-23 16:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-12-28 15:56:34 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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Sorry about the +1 there, sweet Sally.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2008-03-12 16:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-14 17:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not 'someone' i'm the most awesome uber user ever.
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AHAHahahhaHAAHAHAHA
whahhahahahahahahah
hahaahhhhahaha
hahahahahahhahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahaha
ha
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i hate you now.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-06 06:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-02-04 12:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-04 06:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
retal minus 2's coming to 9 ppl
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bring it bitch
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Oh, its fucking brought
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-17 17:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-14 07:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i can, however, make sure that this is the 40th review on this post; a post that, well, I thought at first was pretty fucking stupid. Hey, it just goes to show.
LS: Show what?
I don't know, exactly. It shows something, I'm sure.
Wait... I do have an original song about a girl I saw jogging by my apartment yesterday... hold on, here it goes...
(c)Running girl... (g7m) running girl... (d) Who do you run from?
Thank you that will be quite enough.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-11 04:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no vexx, i cannot confirm that.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2008-01-10 22:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you confirm my understanding that the basis of this post is routed in a running Warner Brothers joke? When discovered in a compromising location (i.e. someone's sock drawer after snooping around), Bugs Bunny would feign ignorance about his whereabouts and say: "Phew, I should have taken that left turn in Albuquerque!"
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-07 00:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meanwhile, has anybody played desktop tower defense? That is the most addictive game I've ever seen.
I've spent way to much fucking time playing it. Thanks for posting that link, Bart. I will never accomplish anything with my life now.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-06 02:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey take it easy. I like a lot of stuff that ghola writes.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-01-05 16:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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what a bitch. this is way better than any of that stupid crap she writes.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-05 15:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-02 14:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy crap, bored at work? that was unexpected.
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But well-deserved. Very well-deserved indeed.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-02 14:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy crap, bored at work? that was unexpected.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-02 14:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it changed tense halfway through, but this is better than anything else I've seen all damn week.
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God, that pissed me off so bad.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-02 11:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read it
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-12-29 13:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-29 13:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just kidding hookhand
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-29 04:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read much of your stuff, but consistent typos can turn me off to certain Uberers. I don't remember being bothered while reading this, however.
Just sayin'.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-29 04:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-29 03:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-12-29 00:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Really funny. Learn some grammar and I'll +2 your shit more often.
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Oh boy! Plus two's from Hookhand! What an amazing thing that would be!!! Well, then I'll make sure to learn my grammar. Where does one go to learn grammar? Grammar school, you say? Well, I'm not going to grammar school. Little Sally already goes there and I would feel out of place.
So I made a couple of mistakes. Eat a dick.
Love,
Little Sally
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-12-29 02:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wouldn't he run into Yosemite Sam?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-29 01:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh...and Happy Birthday.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-29 01:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were a chick, Little Sally, I'd probably say something salacious, flirtatious, and perhaps demeaning. As it is, just carry on.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-12-29 00:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I often wondered that myself.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-12-29 00:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Really funny. Learn some grammar and I'll +2 your shit more often.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-28 19:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
past-perfect. that's what it is. Well, nobody's perfect.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-12-28 19:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-28 10:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it changed tense halfway through, but this is better than anything else I've seen all damn week.
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Yeah Sally kind of fucked that up. It's hard to keep everything in the indefinate past, though. especially late at night. I think she only screwed up the tense twice, though.
Oh, the reason behind this was I was driving through albuquerque yesterday in a snowstorm and I was stuck in traffic. Sally was sitting in the backseat watching merrie melodies on the dvd player.
Wa-la!
Tomorrow is my birthday, uber.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-28 17:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Talibandrew (user info) at 2007-12-28 14:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff. Way better than that ugly picture of a bonk-eyed turd at the top of most heated.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-12-28 12:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-28 09:41:52 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it changed tense halfway through, but this is better than anything else I've seen all damn week.
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And no one has bonk-eye.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2007-12-28 11:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-12-28 10:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-28 10:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it changed tense halfway through, but this is better than anything else I've seen all damn week.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-28 09:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who sally walker is, and I'm probably not going to click, or even mouse over your user info, but this post rocked giant holes right into my socks.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-12-28 09:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect cap to National Mail-it-In Week.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-12-28 09:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-28 09:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome. This was original, entertaining, and well written, and I will be lablelling it as 1.5 billion shades of awesome.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-28 09:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like an explanation for this post.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it changed tense halfway through, but this is better than anything else I've seen all damn week.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-12-28 08:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-28 07:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-28 06:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god, not another Christmess-post...
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-12-28 04:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, and childhood-ruining.
:)