Epic Puppy Poo! (600 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.04 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Namon Dimitroff (View user info) at 2007-12-29 16:09:52 EST
I had watch today (in the Coast Guard so i have lots of those and they last 12 hours each). out of the kindness of my heart i figured that it was not a good idea to leave Astrid (puppy's name) cooped up in her kennel all day, so i moved her to the master bath, put down a puppy pad, had her food and water in there, a place to lay down, and a plethora of chewy things to munch on. I knew that by doing this i would have to clean up a mess when i got home. (Just aquired this dog, saved her from the side of the road in the middle of a swamp) I opened the door to my apartment and was immediately repulsed by a less than faint odor coming from the back of the building. Okay, i was prepared for this. as i wandered closer to the bathroom the stench became much more potent. i dreaded opening the door, but i had to. holy shit. i almost threw up. This was not potty, this was a fucking crime scene.
there was shit everywhere. and i do mean, everywhere; all over the floor, on the wall, smeared on the cabinet. her chew toy was covered in it, my bath rug was shredded and saturated by all sorts of foulness. I use a swiffer mop. a swiffer mop is nowhere near sufficient. I have to go shopping. I am irritated, but not angry at Astrid. this is not her fault. i don't yell at her, i immediately took her for a nice long walk. she was stuck in that room with that stench with her heightened sense of smell for god knows how long. i feel sorry for the little thing. nice long walk, and then we hop in the car to go shopping. it is obvious that i am going to need beer, a mop, a broom, a dustpan, triple thick garbage bags, rubber gloves, and a gas mask capable of deterring anthrax and E bola. they didnt have a gas mask. also, during this venture i discovered that puppy has become a carrier for this scented parasite. i am going to have to give her a bath to boot.
Get back, take her for another walk cause i need to get some nicotine in my lungs to tackle this project. get up there, and start attacking this thing, this horrible wretched straight from the deepest pit of hell demonic nasal attack. it was like something out of my worst nightmares. in retrospect i should have called CSI. the stench was so strong you would be able to see it if it weren't for the fact that it rendered opening your eyes impossible. i was able to determine that there were too seperate poopy events, judging from the smear/splatter patterns and their relative trajectory. i work for about 20-25 mins and need a break. i managed to escape its grip for a moment to come into the living room. this is where i get angry. I just took puppy for a walk 30 mins ago, and 20 minutes before that. she shat right in the middle of my living room. where is all this feces coming from? i swear, the amount of shit i have seen to day produced by this foul beast outweighs her by at least 15%.
i pick up the big pieces after smacking her ass and sticking her nose in it. I can tolerate the bathroom incident. it sucks, but it wasn't her fault. this is blatant rebellion and i will not have it. I go back to the bathroom. I am on my second mop-head, the first one lasted about 10 minutes and died a horrible death, poor thing. but now i have a brand new conglomeration of stranded woven yarn eager to get to work and attack again. took about 15 more minutes but i removed any visible trace of the substance. it still stinks...BAD. i discover a small spot in two different corners where pooch ground the anti-matter into the grout between the tiles. had to break out a scrub brush and attack that way. this was another 10 minutes or so of labor. I get the smell to a manageable state to where i believe it is just airborne and will clear out on its own with a fan, many candles, febreeze, and bleach. time to give pooch a bath. I scrubbed her with a concoction of lysol and dog shampoo, twice. then i scrubbed out the bathtub. blech.
Now i move in to tackle the living room incident. not as bad, some resolve and a bunch of paper towels did the trick. so it has been about 40 minutes since we got back and 25 since she shat in the living room. time for a smoke. i am gone no more than three minutes. come back in, and there, right in the center of the carpet by the door, is a significant damp spot. Now i am enraged. she knows it too and tries to run and hide. she failed. It has now been 4 hours since i got home, and there is still a resonant scent, but i can tolerate it. its intensity is consistently decreasing, so i think i killed it and properly disposed of its bodies.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-31 03:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-12-30 16:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-30 01:29:43 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why the fuck is this positive?
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HIV positive.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-29 20:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113968
ETC
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-29 20:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, but did you find the quarter pound of coke you crammed up her ass?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-29 20:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why the fuck is this positive?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-29 19:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You didn't inspire me, the fine German beer I'm drinking inspired me. You just provided a convenient place to put the inspiration. In other words, your post is the outhouse and corncob for my brain turd. See?
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-29 19:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51940
n00bs..
Submitted by Convos (user info) at 2007-12-29 19:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
by the way, this was my first post.
Submitted by Convos (user info) at 2007-12-29 19:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It inspired you to do that much work? I think I am flattered.
I had a cat. She was cool. She died of kidney failure. I don't want another cat. I didn't want a dog either but I didn't exactly go out and buy her.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-29 18:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I printed this post, put the paper in a pot of water, and set the pot on the big burner of the stove, set to 'simmer'. When all the ink was gone from the paper, I removed the paper and cranked the heat. When the contents of the pot got to a syrupy consistency, I poured it out onto another piece of paper, and put that on a cookie sheet. The cookie sheet went into the oven at 200F for three hours. When I opened the oven and looked at the paper on the cookie sheet, I saw the following words:
Shoulda got a cat.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-12-29 18:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I printed this post, put the paper in a pot of water, and set the pot on the big burner of the stove, set to 'simmer'. When all the ink was gone from the paper, I removed the paper and cranked the heat. When the contents of the pot got to a syrupy consistency, I poured it out onto another piece of paper, and put that on a cookie sheet. The cookie sheet went into the oven at 200F for three hours. When I opened the oven and looked at the paper on the cookie sheet, I saw the following words:
Shoulda got a cat.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Convos (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, i tried the reward method for a few weeks. that didnt work. so now i have incoorperated minor punishment for the bad and reward for the good. it works much more efficiently.
No idea. Too drunk to process that, currently....But efficiency is a great bitch!</crap>
Submitted by Convos (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, i tried the reward method for a few weeks. that didnt work. so now i have incoorperated minor punishment for the bad and reward for the good. it works much more efficiently.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Welcome to the jungle.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i miss my dog
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-29 17:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
someone didn't know much about puppies did they?
when my dog was a pup I fell asleep on the couch, woke up covered in puppy pee.
Don't punish her relieve herself in the wrong spot, praise her when she does it in the right spot (outdoors) and reward with a treat when she peeps and poops on command.
rubbing their nose in it and spanking the dog just confuses them and does nothing towards training.