Too Much Man For Toilets (1081 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.83 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2007-12-31 10:20:56 EST
I'm a normal guy. About 5 foot 10, 165 pounds, Scots-Irish-German-Huguenot-Greek Caucasoid from America. Basically as normal as they come. But I do have a secret, an abnormality that sets me apart. Some might consider it a superpower. I consider it a curse. I am Too Much Man for Toilets.
By Too Much Man, I mean too powerful, and by too powerful, I mean that my shits overpower the ability of any toilet to consume them. Let me explain. I don't eat a ton, in fact, I keep it around 2000 calories per day. I am not abnormally large, as my proportions will attest. I'm not some weird ass race that produces huge dumps, unless there's something about Huguenots that I don't really understand. Yet I am consistently too powerful for toilets. My home throne, for example. I live in a normal apartment in a small post-industrial Northeastern city. It's a standard shitter in a regular apartment, not too small, plenty of water pressure, no environmentally-friendly aftermarket upgrade bullshit to save water. Just a regular crapper. I wake up, smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee, eat some toast and a banana, smoke another cigarette, and then it's off to the powder room to do my dirty sinful business.
I pull down my underoos, grab a copy of Sports Illustrated, and let go. 3 minutes later, I wipe and stand to complete the transaction. Yet day after day, the toilet seems to scream at me with its gaping shit-filled mouth: NO FLUSH FOR YOU. It just sits there pouring more water into the bowl while my shit remains defiant. I beg and plead, try the seductive Second Flush, but 9 days out of 10 I am reduced to plunging, in essence wielding a stick to beat my own waste into submission and coax it down the pipes. Do you understand the fucking humility of shits so powerful that they are your boss, not the other way around? "Who does Number Two work for?" No one. I work for Number Two. That's the curse of being Too Much Man for Toilets.
"Wait," I hear you cry. "Is it the wiping?" I can assure you that my toilet paper usage is well within normal parameters. One or two wipes, just a nice handful, that's it.
"You must have a broken crapper." You retort. No. I can marshal two pieces of evidence to confirm this. FIRST, my current girlfriend shits at our place every day as well, and she has never plugged it up. SECOND, I have fucked up toilets on four continents. Thailand: You ever explained to a Mama-San that you've just beasted her pristine white commode and please can I have a plunger? (Full confession: I haven't either, I just got the hell out of there.) Australia: I am responsible for the huge fucking clogged up mess in one of those fish and chips shops at Manly Beach in August of 99. Italy: I left a trail of crapper disaster meandering through the Tuscan hills from Siena to Florence. Unless my superpower is such that I am unconsciously drawn to shitting in broken toilets, the problem is me, not them. (I'm hoping that my employer takes a contract that it was recently offered for some work in Baghdad, so I can at least extend my global reach by wrecking some Iraqi commodes. Fucking Shiites.)
"What's your schedule?" You might ask. Am I some loon who holds it in for three days and then cuts loose with turds of epic proportions? No. It's pretty much like clockwork. Every day, 7:45 AM = Deuce Time. Sure, when I'm drinking heavily and eating greasy food for days on end, as is my occasional pattern, my shits are worse, consistently larger and at odd times. But Too Much Man for Toilets is nothing if not consistent.
"Diet?" Seems normal to me. Omnivore, meat almost every day, vegetables and fruits because I like variety and am not a fat ass slob. And 2000 calories is well within the normal range, or at least the government recommended range for this nation of fatty fats and tubbies that is the USofA.
"Do you actually chew your food?" One possibility is that every time I shit I'm trying to flush some barely gnawed 1-inch cubes of beef, or perhaps an entire carrot. Well, I don't have any clue as to how much normal people chew, but can assure you that I'm not swallowing my food whole.
Perhaps strangely, the only place where I don't have any trouble at all is on airplanes. I have yet to close down an airplane shitter, and I have had some epic shits on planes, most notably after a four day bachelor party in Vegas last year. Perhaps the huge amount of pressure helps me out.
Really, the only quesiton is whether I should consider this a superpower or a curse. I say curse. Sure, gigantor dumps might come in handy for the odd Cleveland Steamer, or to win bets. But I've yet to find a woman worthy of a Steamer, even after this one chick told me that she thought Karate Kid 1 was just an average movie. Nor do I really want to be inviting people into my apartment at 7:50 AM to look at what I've done and settle bets. It's a superpower only when I want to destroy someone's toilet, which happens rarely--and anyway, if I wanted to do that I'd just drop an Upper Decker and be done with it, or take a piss on their towels. If you've never pissed on an enemy's towels, you're missing a good time.
http://www.redemptionblues.com/pictures/fotl2.jpg
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-23 11:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fitting linkwhores all round today...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93331
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-01-02 19:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 15:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-01-02 19:48:49 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
flush halfway through
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Way too ruin a nice run of +2s for the nOOb.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-01-02 14:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
flush halfway through
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-02 07:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CAPTAIN Haddock below
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-01-02 07:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Played
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-01 18:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done for a terrific first post. Keep it up. :)
Submitted by regal1975 (user info) at 2008-01-01 10:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2007-12-31 23:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-12-31 19:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i'm the only person in the world who caused a house to be totally condemed because of the shit i took
<true story>
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2007-12-31 17:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOLercaust in effect
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-12-31 16:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny. Thanks for not providing pictorial embellishment.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-12-31 16:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84070#1840712
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-31 15:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ POO.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-12-31 15:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Toomuchpoo would be more fitting here. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-31 15:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you a dolla' if you never come anywhere near my toilet!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-31 15:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not down with poo' stories, but I'll take Uber's word for it.
In other words, I didn't read this, welcome +2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-31 13:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"unless there's something about Huguenots that I don't really understand."
I share at least half of the baseless ancestral titles you listed, including Heugenots. I also share your problem, so I wouldn't discard that theory entirely.
I'm fairly certain that Fallen's comment has some truth in it though, and the answer is to buy a better toilet.
My next one will be able to flush cantaloupes and will consume as much water in a single action as a third world nation. I'm talkin waterfall proportions here.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-12-31 13:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhahahahahahaah
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-12-31 12:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-31 12:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poopreport.com
at least if you ever need to shit in a boss/co-worker's desk drawer you know you'll be able to work up a great "Product"
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-31 10:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A recycled comment below;
The key to a superior flushing toilet is a fully glazed trapway.
Less expensive toilets are only glazed to the point where the consumer can see, leaving the rest of the trap to be a rougher finish,which can cause waste to get stuck.
Resulting in the need to plunge, and who can't use a good plunge now and again?
I have triple- flushed
I have quad- flushed
and on occasion I have penta-flushed.
Bow before the inter-dementional poo portal that is my anus.
and then you shall be "too much man"
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2007-12-31 10:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So stupid and pointless (but well-written) that it deserves an automatic +2.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-31 10:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what you mean.
See: http://www.ubersite.com/m/44437
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-31 10:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really good. Welcome :)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-31 10:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, great noob .
enjoy this tale of my superpower: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82267